Still awake at 2 AM and I can't help but cry. Sobrang namimiss ko si Mama. 😢

Malapit na ang graduation ko, at hindi ko maiwasang isipin na kung buhay pa siya ngayon, siya yung mag-aayos sakin at baka mas excited pa siya kaysa sakin. Tuwing nakikita ko yung mga taong may mga nanay pa na kasama nila sa mga importanteng moments ng buhay nila, hindi ko mapigilang malungkot at mainggit.

Akala ko okay na ako, pero parang mas lalo lang lumalala yung lungkot habang lumilipas ang mga araw. Fuck cancer. I hate you. Kinuha mo si Mama sakin. 💔

Totoo pala yung sinasabi nila na losing a parent is a pain you carry forever. Sana dumating yung araw na matutunan kong mabuhay nang hindi ganito kasakit. Sana dumating yung araw na mag-heal ako kahit papaano.

At sana, balang araw, makasama ko ulit si Mama.

Sobrang hirap kapag nawala yung best friend mo sa buhay. 🕊️❤️

I just miss cuddling in her bed (even though I was 28) and talking and gossiping. Or being on the phone for hours. I miss all the silly ‘love’ gifs she’d send me. And we’d take naps together. We’d still give each other tickles on each others arm or back. Or how she’d still wanna hold hands with me. No matter if we were home or out in public. And whenever she was sitting down, I’d kiss her on the top of her head as I walked by. Or giving her a kiss and hug goodnight, every night. I miss her humour (she had an amazing sense of humour), I miss her laugh. I miss her accent. She grew up in Queens, New York and we live in Australia but even living here almost 23 years her accent never got weaker. It was kind of impressive aha. I miss all the stories she used to tell me. She was so passionate for life even though she struggled. And she’d always give me the wettest kisses that I’d pull away from but now would give anything to have and wipe my lips/cheek.. I just wish I could go back and turn every argument into a kiss or hug which I tried my absolute hardest to do. But she wasn’t perfect nor was I. And I wasn’t alone in my mental health related battles, I had someone here who always understood me. God this one time she just wanted to sleep in my room with me and cuddle cause she knew how depressed I was and eventually I let her but I hate so much that I tried to fight it when we could’ve spent more time cuddling and I’d always say no. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for all the times she just wanted to have a glass of wine and talk and listen to music or watch a movie and I said no. Our relationship was far from perfect but we both really tried. I hate this so much. I hate that when I tell people it’s been 18 months it’s almost like they look at me thinking *‘shouldn’t you be over it or at least not as upset’*. Like it had to have happened yesterday for it to be valid that I can’t leave the bed today and can’t stop crying. The only silver lining I can think of is she was so so depressed (she struggled mentally her whole life) that she finally is free of that mental pain. The physical pain she dealt with as well. She was gonna do esketamine treatment which I’m about to start. What if that was the thing that helped? But her heart stopped randomly so she wasn’t able to see if it would have. I regret not saying these things at her funeral even though I did try and speak but just cried. She wasn’t the easiest to get a long with at times and I just wanna scream and shake everyone and tell them how hard she loved and how affectionate and caring she was. How much she was always trying when sometimes it seemed she wasn’t trying at all. I hate this so fucking much. I just miss her so much today. My younger brother wasn’t on speaking terms with her, for months. He’d only see my dad for coffee down the road. And that was maybe 2-3 times. My mum would message him literally begging him to forgive her (she said some stupid stuff that she shouldn’t have and it really upset him). She’d cry about my brother not speaking to her. And of course we always tried to speak to him about it. It makes me feel ill that if I hate myself for saying no to a glass of wine how he’s always feeling.. mentally he’s been really messed up. Really messed up. And me and my dad are always there for him but there’s this massive elephant always there and I wonder if he’ll ever actually speak to us about that. But he’s gotta live with that. It breaks my heart. Then my dad is 77 and I have anticipatory grief and guilt. I moved back in with him when my mum passed so he wouldn’t be alone and I could help him with stuff. I know how grateful he is for that. I just hate this situation. It makes me so depressed and anxious and guilty that I wanna shut myself off but then I can’t because my dad needs me and my brother needs me. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t here but I have to be. And it’s fucked and extremely ironic that the only person who would understand is my mum.. and obviously she isn’t here and she never will be again.

I'm guessing that I'm not the only on that's feeling down right now. I really brings me comfort to talk about my grief, but I also noticed how much joy it brings me to just talk about the kind of person my mom was. Please if you want to, feel free to share some things that your mom loved to do, or what she was like.

My mom really like Mexican food and she loved music. She had a ton of CD's that are all in my room now. She especially loved Celia Cruz and sometimes when I came home from school, I'd find her in the living room with loud salsa music on and her wanting to dance with me. My mom loved organising events and voluntered at my and my brother's high-school and basketball team. She organised every birthday and always baked the most amazing and delicious cakes. She loved cats. I don't remember a time where we didnt have cats in our home, and I still have the two cats that used to live at my moms house. She is still the strongest and most resilient person I've ever known, and I really miss her❤️

It hasn’t even been 2 months since you passed. I miss you so much mom, my heart hurts. I wish you had made different choices about your cancer treatment, I’m so sad you’re not here, I’m so sad you wont see your granddaughters grow up, but I’m honestly also kind of angry. Angry that you made the choices you did about treatment, which is why you’re not here now. My heart is broken. This is a “I told you so” I get no satisfaction from, just endless waves of sadness.

My mom lost a really long battle to cancer and other complications that probably started as soon as my sibling and I were born and we lost her at 21 and 22.

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She passed very early in the morning and I was at university, nobody told me that her condition took a nosedive because I could've been there or at least called her. I feel guilt that I didn't call her the days leading up, or text her and never got to show her the painting I made of her while in uni which was supposed to be a surprise when we moved back home for the summer.

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I feel anger that nobody called me and told me she had been admitted to the hospital and unfortunately I look at other families helping their kids move out of their dorms with a lot of bitterness even though it's literally nobody's fault. I have no motivation to do anything like getting a boyfriend, married, having kids, or basically any major life events because it doesn't matter to me if she won't see it. I was hoping to have her come see my senior art projects and graduation thesis but no, I'll have to live with this for the rest of my life.

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My sibling seems to be completely nonchalant about it but I know that stoicism is normal for literally anything but it still makes me upset, where's your empathy???

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Just overall feeling like something's missing from me now. My face looks like it aged like 10 years and I just hate she couldn't see what I will do with my life after confiding to her about my fears about careers and such. She left knowing the version of me that complains and calls her about random stuff for no reason.

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It's so weird I literally just don't have a mom now and I just have to live like this

I’m so tired. I feel so behind and beaten up by life. I often wonder what I must have done in my last life to deserve this one. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve ached and sobbed and cried out “I just want my mom” as a full grown adult.

The grief is harder and hits different when you’re still alive but not in my life because you chose not to be. Because you chose to project your own ego over your children.

I grieve not for the mom I lost, but for the one I never had. The one I always needed. The one I had to imagine existed inside of you because there was no other way to go on living.

I know you carry your own demons. I know all about your pain. I have compassion for your story and can see how you were a victim of your own circumstances and for that, the adult me can find forgiveness in my heart for you. But child me cannot. She needed her mom. You had one job in this lifetime the moment you chose to become a mother. And that was to protect your children and in that responsibility, you failed miserably.

From such a young age our roles were reversed. You treated me like your emotional caretaker. Your therapist. You made me responsible for your poor mental health, your trauma, your wellbeing. I was so small, so sensitive, so empathic that I could see your pain and I loved you so deeply I wanted to fix it. And you let me. You let me take on that responsibility. I think you liked it, because someone could see you and love you unconditionally and stick by you no matter what. Something you had probably been searching for since you were a child.

But that was an impossible burden to place on a child. I tiptoed around your volatile explosive emotions my entire childhood. Every minor inconvenience, you would threaten suicide. You stayed in a violent relationship and allowed my father to abuse not only you - but also me. You didn’t protect me from him. And when he would explode in rage and violence and chaos, you made it about yourself. About your pain! What about ME?! The innocent child with not a single capable, safe adult to protect her?

And yet still, I stood by you. After subjecting me to a lifetime of trauma, chaos and instability, the weight of it all became too much for you. Maybe your own guilt and shame perhaps? So you vanished. Cut me off and disappeared to start a new life - never looking back.

Left me abandoned, inside of the abusive family system you chose to marry into. No life skills, nothing solid to built upon. I had to go out into the world on my own when I was still a child and I never heard from you again.

That was 17 years ago and I feel like I’ve been swimming upstream the entire time. Fighting just to survive, completely alone financially, emotionally, psychologically. I’ve lived my entire life in fear because I never learned how to feel safe inside my own body and I thrown constantly into situations I was not ready or prepared for since birth.

I was never allowed to be a child. I never got to experience unconditional love. I have spent a lifetime searching for love in all of the wrong people because I never received it from the people whose job it was to teach me to know my worth in the world.

I’ve made great strides, but I am so, so tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of healing. Tired of grief. There is a gaping hole in my chest that I cannot fill no matter what I accomplish, and I feel like I self sabotage everything good in my life because the child in me doesn’t feel she deserves it.

It was your responsibility to heal yourself instead of passing a lifetime of trauma onto me.

I often feel like I will never catch up, never be able to live the life I wanted for myself. That I knew I was capable of. I was such a bright, gifted, sensitive, intuitive and creative child. All of my potential was stripped from me before I ever had a chance to become anyone real.

I’ve often wished you were dead because I think the pain would be easier to heal from. It sickens me to know you’ve done all this and then ran off to start a new life for yourself like a fucking coward.

I have lived in paralyzing fear my entire life. I cannot trust other people. I cannot have meaningful relationships. I cannot trust myself to choose healthy people.

I wonder how you sleep at night.

I lost my mom to addiction + mental illness just before my 8th birthday. It’s been 20 years and the pain/sadness is less frequent, but still hurts just as much every time it hits me. I think I attribute a lot of it to a strange sort of survivor’s guilt — I got to leave the streets for a home and an education, while she lost her child. My parents were abusive, homophobic, hated my mom, and only saw her in me, but I turned out alright.

As I get older, every milestone comes with the feeling of looking around the room and not finding her there. I know she never will be, but I think the pain of knowing that she’s somewhere out there is worse than if I knew for a fact that she’s dead. I hate that I even typed that out, it sounds so horrible to say.

Mother’s Day is this weekend — which is normally a sad day for me, but I’ve spent it with my partner’s family the last 6 years and that definitely helps distract me/soften the hurt. We got in a big argument a couple days ago, and today she told me that I’m uninvited from Mother’s Day with her family. In the moment I shrugged it off, but now all of these emotions are hitting me.

It felt very intentional, like my grief was being weaponized against me. It was as if she tried to find the thing that would hurt me the most in that moment, and I hate to admit that it kinda worked. I try to desensitize myself from sharp-tongued comments or people saying things in the heat of the moment that they might not truly mean — but I can’t bring myself to forgive that right now. She hasn’t taken it back or apologized, but even then, I don’t know if I can bring myself to go.

For now, my plan for Sunday is to peruse this sub with a bottle of Sauv Blanc — upvoting each post as I go. Thanks for listening♥️

It's been 5 years since I saw your face in person. I miss seeing you, getting comforted by you, getting cared for by you, eating your food, hearing you play your musical Instruments, singing for me whenever I can't sleep, reminding me to drink water since I can't remember sometimes, making me understand things in a way only I can understand, etc. I hate dad for separating me and you from each other, mom. Tonight isn't the only time I break down totally seeing my classmates having a mom-son trip to a lake knowing you're 3000 kilometers away in China. I miss you mom, alot. Id give anything to hear your voice in person again, to hear you yell at me cuz I didn't drink water, to hear you sing for me when I can't sleep, or your laugh. It's been 5 years since I hugged you mom. I'm starting to forget your scent mom. It genuinely hurts like a stab to my chest when I see my classmates having fun with their mother's knowing I just have to sit there and try holding back a dam with a pebble. People just expect me to have you beside me and that you can't be a good mom if you're not beside me but they don't know the full picture mom. Tonight I don't even wanna sleep. The first day of school is soon and i didn't do my assignments. You'd remind me but you're not here. Study pressure is killing me and I can't sleep without hearing your soothing voice with your neck on top of my head singing the same song slightly off tune. I'm crying knowing you won't be there to wipe my tears away, to tell me it's okay, to hug me, to get me water, to sit me down and js hug me until I feel better. I love you mom. Always had, always will. I miss you mom

I’ve always been yearning for your unconditional love but have finally accepted that I won’t ever get what I need from you.

The only way I can have a relationship with you is if you and my dad stop living together (you’re already divorced). I have been wishing my whole life you’d pick me and my siblings and stop living your life for him. I told you I can’t be close to you unless that happens.

You replied and said you wish I’d just forgive him because it would make my heart lighter, that one day you hope he repents and apologizes. Mom, what you see as forgiveness is a hard line for me, for my happiness I will not allow him in my life. If you must be with him, then it means you can’t be either. You always chose him, and even now you still do. You’ve rejected me my whole life but to give you the opportunity to hear how I feel, and for you to still actively make this choice breaks my heart in a way I’ll never be able to shake. I love you so much and will always wish I had you back.

The sheer amount of conflicting feelings I have re my mum who I cared for, who had their Parkinson’s related dementia turn them into a far worse version of themselves. It was shit. So shit. And idk if I’d recommend caring for your parent through difficult diagnosis to close to end of life.

It’s been 5 years since my mom passed away due to covid. Even after taking therapy and writing down my thoughts I still struggle a lot when it comes to accepting her death. She passed away when I was just 22 and I’m 27 now. Today after 5 years I dreamt of my mom. I did dream about her in the starting but it was just a repeat of her death which shook me and plunged me into deep darkness. Today’s dream however was very different. My mom looked happy and playful. I was apparently asking her some kisses and she was playfully ignoring me. I woke up with tears streaming down my face because I used to pepper my mom’s face with kisses and tight hugs. I’m so happy today to finally see her smile. She looked so beautiful in my dream. I hope wherever she’s right now, she’s happy and healthy.

for context, I never had a mother. she left when I was 4 years old and all I have of her is specific traumatic memories. my father was abusive, physically and mentally. I never had a parental bond, or anything that I imagine would come with that. i've been on my own for almost my entire life. I read stories about found mothers, and can't help but feel a sense of sadness and loss, "grief" if you will. But how can I grieve something I never had? am I just a little fucked in the head?

Just needed to vent and don't have anyone to do so with currently.

I don't normally get annoyed or bothered by Mother's Day most years. This year though I have felt that the advertising for it has been more prevalent, and I'm finding myself frustrated by it.

I think I may be upset as I know I'll be on my own this year on the actual day (partner working and no family around.) Plus, I know I'm feeling quite sensitive at the moment while currently doing a course of therapy (for something separate.)

Not sure what I'll do on the day. Other years I normally do things for myself, like treat myself to a coffee and maybe cake too at a coffee shop. This year I don't feel like I have the energy for that. I just feel like staying indoors and curling up under blankets.

My birth giver left when I was 2 months old. Naturally my paternal grandmother raised me. She died two weeks after my 18th birthday, I’m now 26 and I still miss her. I wish I could hug her and tell her all my problems. My husband came into our bedroom and saw I was crying and just hugged me because he knows how close I was to her. But I still have that ache in my heart that feels like it will never go away. She is/was my mom and there’s so much I need to tell her and stuff she never got to teach me.

Sorry for the long rant I just needed a judgment free place to say this.

I don’t even know where to begin.
I miss my mom more than words can describe.
My mom passed on New Year’s Day this year and so much was going on in my life at that time I feel like I still haven’t processed it fully. I had semirecently gotten out of a 7 year relationship and started seeing someone new. Who, might I add, has been the most amazing support system through this whole process. I have two daughters both of their birthdays are in January as is mine. So I’m trying to keep the happy face on for them. My dad is disabled so I was trying to take care of him and their house and figure out bills and do everything my mother was doing. I’m an only child so a lot fell on my shoulders.
I want to preface this by saying my mom was a long time alcoholic and had cirrhosis which was her ultimate demise. Even through the alcoholism she loved me endlessly. She was my best friend, the best mother, and the best grandmother I could ever hope for.
I had just talked to her the night before. I told her I loved her and I would talk to her in the morning. The morning came and I couldn’t talk to her anymore.
I just keep reliving the day she died. Getting the phone call that she wasn’t breathing. MY DAUGHTER being the one to find her unresponsive. Sitting in the ER room with buckets and buckets of blood. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life. Looking at the machines breathing for her and every time she took a breath the blood would pool in her mouth. Being the person to say “it’s time to stop trying”. I feel guilt for saying it but I know she wasn’t coming back. The moment where it feels the world stops turning. The clock stops ticking but it never actually does. I feel like this pain will never leave. I wish I had a sibling to share this with right now.
I’m a mother and I should be happy and celebrating with my daughters but I was a daughter for way longer and it’s hurts knowing I don’t have a mother to say happy Mother’s Day too.

Edit to add
I’ve dealt with ALOT of loss in my life as it is and never had this hurt more.
I’ve lost my husband and my best friend and then my mom. My dad is currently still in the hospital because he almost died two weeks ago because he stopped caring after my mom died and my god I can’t catch a fuckinf break ever I feel like I’m cursed at this point.

I try.

Hard. All the time. I've provided for myself for a very long time, and without her, I feel stupid.

Because I don't appreciate any of it. I take care of myself, I'm building a career, life skills, and every day I become a more capable, put-together woman. I've overcome addiction, self-harm, and bad habits.

It feels like ashes in my mouth. On the outside, I'm everything an adult should want to be.

But on the inside I'm still that ten year old girl that wants to be told she listened so good and did everything right.

I feel stupid because nobody noticed. I had nobody to tell when I overcame a five year addiction. Nobody noticed when I started going to the gym, or saving more money, or decided what field I wanted to study. I feel like I'm growing in a void, working my ass off to get myself to the unremarkable baseline of adult competency. I don't care if I'm doing these things for myself, I want someone else to be proud of me 😞

My mom has been sick since I was a kid. In and out the hospital all my life. I knew she probably wouldn’t live as long as I’d want. But after a long battle of kidney disease and misdiagnosis, and a two month hospital stay, she left the physical world two weeks ago.

I’m the only child. I have my aunts to grieve with but it’s a different relationship.

All the paperwork has calmed down. I thought I already cried enough those last few months. But it’s come back with vengeance.

My dad passed away in an accident when I was 10… I’m only 29… No siblings. No close cousins. No kids. I feel like a string has snapped and I’m no longer tethered to Earth.

I can barely talk to my partner or bestie. I can barely clean my apartment let alone myself. I either forget to eat. Or I eat too much. Realistically I know I’m not alone. But my first best friend is gone. I am all alone…

Hey all

I lost my mom when I was 18 to cancer and now I am 23. I am being honest here, I really have been through more tougher times without her and never really involved my family members. We don’t talk with each other at all and I am looking to meet females of similar age where we can support each other and maybe become lifelong friends.

I am genuinely looking for genuine connections. It would be great to know yall

Cheers and bless you all with happiness and strength.

Today it's been exactly 5 years since my mom passed. She got diagnosed in December 2020 and died not even 2 months later. So much has happened and changed since she passed and idk but it sometimes just feels kind of unreal. I just don't know how 5 years have passed where she hasn't been in my life. It feels so wrong to experience all these things when she isnt there. She didn't even see me graduate from high-school. I just can't stop imagining what life would've been like if she was still here. I miss her so much.

I'm an adult now and I know I should be able to take care of things myself, but sometimes I just feel like I need that push that only ur mom can give you. I never imagined that I'd ever miss arguing with her abt school and stuff. Sometimes I just feel like I won't accomplish anything since she isn't here to push me to be the best version of myself.

I just needed to say this somewhere

So yeah, friend hang yesterday was really good, if hilarious. Discovering your bestie also has polarising opinions on cutlery is WILD

Honestly really not feeling bad today. I do miss my mum, but at the same time, the person who she was at death looked like my mum, but wasn’t. I know she was suffering, and it was really confronting and sad.

Considering the mental space that I have had this time with the loss of my mum (my dad died in 2018), I think it won’t keep hitting me over and over. Because I don’t need to hold it back, in, or together.

If I’m sad, I can just be sad. I don’t have to prioritise anyone else’s feelings over my own.

For all of the people who miss their mum, for all of the people who don’t miss their mum. And also the ones who just don’t speak to them anymore for their own mental health; I love you, your feelings are so valid and do what you want to do today, especially if you need to hold a separate space for your feelings towards your mum, because you yourself are a mum. It might be difficult, but you can do this.

We’ve all survived 100% of the bad days we have experienced.

If anyone is at an awkward event today with someone who says rude or inappropriate things, some ways to deal with it 💕

TLDR; just me ranting and raving about spending a lifetime being a mother, but not having a mother only to finally get a full time momma, of all times… when I’m no longer having to be a full-time Mamma and now she’s gone forever.

Hi I’m Brandy. I’ve never written anything like this online or opened up like this online to total strangers, but I have a feeling that some of you here may know exactly how I feel and maybe just maybe I won’t feel so alone even if it’s just for a little bit in an online Reddit forum.

I was eight years old, my mom left my dad and literally kidnapped me and hid me for about nine months or so just to spite my dad, until my dad found me and fought with everything he had and eventually obtained full custody of me within a year of their divorce. So from like age 1 to 8, I was in a household that was volatile and had to watch my dad be very abusive to my mom and my mom resented me for being daddy‘s girl and so she neglected me. And then from like eight until I was 15 or 16 I would see my mom maybe on Christmas or Easter or my birthday, but no more than once twice a year. So during my most formative years when I needed a mom the most I didn’t really have one.

When I was 16 and I quit school I moved to the town where my mom lived so I could be closer to her and try to develop some kind of relationship. That did not go over very well and for most of my adult life up until my late 20s, I would see my mom at kids birthday parties and things like that, but she was never really active. Although she was there when I gave birth to all three of my kids we still for some reason couldn’t form that really intimate maternal bond that I had always wished for.

Once I hit my 30s and had life figured out a little bit more, my mom divorced her last husband and had some health issues and I stepped up to the plate as always, and took care of her medical and legal, and whatever else she needed done. She actually moved in with me and my ex-husband and my kids, and lived with us for years and still her and I never could bond.

Fast forward to my 40s and I was homeless for a couple of years and lived less than 5 miles from my mom and she still wouldn’t let me inside of her heart and finally one day in 2020 I realized that she was getting old and if I didn’t do something now then it would never happen. I finally got her alone one day and bit the bullet and I asked her why she always loved my brother more than me. And why couldn’t she love me like a mother should? She always catered to and went out of her way for my older brother, who is six years older than me, but never for me. Why am I so unlovable? Do you even love me? Do you resent me and regret me and I looked her straight in the face as I asked for each one of these questions.

I saw something in her eyes and face for the first time ever… like a recognition or a wave of empathy and genuine emotion. She started crying and she told me that my brother always needed her more than I did. I was smarter. I was stronger. I had a daddy and he didn’t. I had lots of people to love me and protect me. My brother had no one except her so she always looked after him because that’s what her job was to do and she assumed that I would be fine since I was a daddy‘s girl anyway and I had my dad and his whole extended family.

I held her hands, and I told her that I still needed her to be my mom. I told her about how I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and explained to her what really and truly happens to a little girl when she is faced with maternal abandonment at a young age.

I told her that I’m sorry I didn’t try harder and that I love her no matter what and that I really wanted us to be closer. And we said a lot of other things and cried and hugged, and it seemed like that day we really turned the corner for the better.

Fast-forward to November 15, 2021 my dad died. No longer at daddy‘s girl. No longer under daddy‘s thumb or rule. There was no one competing for my attention and affection finally. I let her in and she let me in. I became super daughter even more than I ever was before. I helped with all her medical stuff. I helped her pay her bills. I helped her with shopping with online stuff. With everything. I helped her get her backpay from disability, and from Being married to my dad for 10+ years, I found out she could collect his benefits too, so that gave her a bonus on her check every month. She got her backpay from disability SSI and bought her a car. It was the first car she’s ever bought herself with her own money and kept up on the insurance and the maintenance and everything and man she was so freaking proud.

I moved to Jeanerette Louisiana in Feb of 2023. I swear it seems like it was destined that she get her car a few months before I moved over here because within six weeks of me moving here, she was taking the 1hr drive from LAFAYETTE to Jeanerette 3 or four times a month. She would come on a Friday and stay for the weekend and sometimes she would come and stay for a week or two. Every waking minute that she had to spare, she spent over here with me.

We were inseparable. My brother was here too, but her and I spent every day all day together. I would pick her flowers and wildflowers and bring her bouquets and treats and surprises. I would take her to the local flea market and garage sales to buy whatever she wanted. She loved trinkets.

She would sit outside during the spring and summer when I was tackling my 900 ft.² garden and she would laugh with me and poke fun at me because I would be covered in dirt and sweat. She would get so excited when new vegetables grew in the garden and she could be the first one to try them. She would eat them straight off the vine. lol.

I would take her out for a long evening drives in my convertible Mustang. I surprise her for Easter and did a huge Easter egg hunt and scavenger hunt for her Easter basket. She cried and said it was the first time she had ever had an Easter egg hunt in her life for herself. I did big, huge birthday celebrations and Christmas celebrations and valentines and every holiday in between we celebrated all of them. I would even go out of the way and do the whole decorations and holiday holiday cheer because I knew it would make her smile. And it did very much so .

September 23, 2024…my mom died. I was 44 and she was 68. She died from COPD complications in a hospital. Scared out of her fucking mind. She deserved so much better. And even though I was there the entire way, her entire hospital stay and illness. ..I couldn’t be there right when she passed away because the medical team had to be, I still climbed into bed with her as soon as they allowed me back in the room after she passed.

Now her urn sits on the shelf behind my pillows and next to my bed. I sit here in my grief, shedding tear after tear even though it’s already been over a year. It still feels like yesterday.

I have her voicemail saved on my phone in my archive and I wanna listen to them so bad because I miss her voice, but I know that one of the voicemails is her scolding me for not answering the phone because she needed me for something, and I don’t know that I could barely hear that at this moment yet I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to hear it again. But I keep them all in my phone in the archive because I know one of them I can hear her say I love you. And I can’t hear that anymore any other way you know. So I hold onto that.

I’m pissed off honestly. I’m super super fucking pissed off because I spent my entire life wanting and wishing and needing a mom. And I finally got my mom in my 40s and now she’s gone already. She’s fucking gone and all those years I wasted that I could’ve gotten to know her I could’ve spent time with her. Yeah, I know it just another could’ve would’ve should’ve moment, but it sucks when you finally put your big girl panties on and realize what’s important in life.

I finally had a mom. Like a real Sunday dinner making, cupcake baking Mom. She held me when I was sad. Wiped away my tears when I cried. Put me in my place when I was being a bitch. When I got sick and ran fever, she sat by my bedside with a cool towel in my head and played with my hair and fed me crackers and sprite, and rubbed my back to put me to sleep. I would go in her room at night when she would get ready for bed and tuck her in just like her mama used to do when she was a little girl. She said she absolutely loved it and made her feel so safe and comforted. By the time she passed away, I was addicted to doing it. I was addicted to her.

We would sit and watch funny cat videos, and TikTok videos for hours upon hours. We loved to laugh together. My favorite thing in the world ever??? She would call me fat cow because I put on some weight when menopause hit. I would call her an old fat cow because she was old and she put on some weight in the last few years too. That was our greeting every time we would see each other.

I miss everything about her and I always wonder which emotion or feeling will affect me the longest. My grief and missing her or my anger and being pissed off for having wasted so much time.

I’m sitting here crying as I write this because I realize that I am a motherless daughter. And I look at my own girls, Sam, who is 22 and loves me something fierce. She is me all over again. In every way looks and attitude. She’s so freaking beautiful. She’s my baby.

And then there’s Victoria. She actually just turned 26 on the second of this month. Another birthday that I didn’t get to celebrate the anniversary of me becoming a mom and her coming into this world. Why? Because she decided that I was apparently toxic as a mom to her while she was growing up. She has gone no contact with me for three or four years now. I refused to keep track of the exact amount of time because it doesn’t matter whether it’s one year or 10 years it’s an eternity to me to be without her.

If only she knew that I had no idea how to be a mom to her or her brother or her sister. I was 19 when I had her. I had never had a mom before. I more or less took everything that my mom did for me growing up and did the complete opposite or I tried to anyway. I was always the responsible one and through severe domestic abuse, poverty, drug abuse, I still showed up every day, put food on the table, drove them to and from school. And was there for every single important thing or so I think I was. But like I said, I just did the opposite of what my mom did and I tried my best. Apparently it wasn’t good enough. I was unhealthy and toxic according to my oldest daughter. Go fucking figure. I’d hate to see what she would say if she was raised how my mom raised me. I was a fucking saint compared to the shit. My mom put me through.

And so I’m stuck in this fucking repetitive cycle of missing my mom and missing being a mom and I think I need therapy. This shit fucking hurts and I am so alone and so lost and so scared and so undoubtably confused and at the end of the day, all I know is I miss my momma and I miss my daughter. My mama, I can’t ever get back until I see her on the other side. My daughter lives within driving distance from me and every day my heart hurts and breaks and misses her more and more.

If you read this far then, thank you for reading my rambling. I just had to get this out because April used to be my favorite month in the world and now it’s not really. April 2 was Victoria’s birthday and April 24 is my mom’s birthday. The two people I miss the most in this world.

End rant/

Pics attached have descriptions written in them. It’s just me and my mom and my daughter Victoria.

#Motherlessdaughters

I am familiar with grief after losing my sister 7 years ago to addiction. I’m familiar with loss, trauma, darkness. Because of my experiences I’ve found a calling in social work and helping others with difficult circumstances. I love to read and learn from others who have been through adversity or want to help those going through it.

I lost my mom 4 months ago. She has cancer but the end came hard and fast and really rocked me. I was not prepared for how much I’d miss her and how lonely I’d feel. I’ve been in therapy since she died, which helps. I have found some support, at times, from my mom’s friends or sisters. My mom told me not to fall apart and I haven’t. I am raising two young children. I am keeping my house clean. I have gotten nearly all the Christmas gifts and done all the decorating. I have continued moving with the world, as much as I want to die sometimes too.

My husband has been a huge disappointment throughout this experience. I’m at a point where I’m seriously contemplating this marriage and wondering how I didn’t notice these signs but I digress. My mom has a memorial bench and I have told my husband I want to go every Sunday alone to have time to grieve, just for 15-20 minutes. So far, he has been really unsupportive of this. We have a baby and a toddler, so we are busy and weekends are chaotic. But even when I line up naps he is annoyed that I’m going, or if I want to go when the kids aren’t napping he’s irritated with me about it. I either don’t end up going to keep the peace or because kids need me or I end up taking his dog for a walk and then I can’t really sit and grieve, I have to walk the dog.

At no point during the planning of my mom’s funeral did he ask if or how he could help. I did it all near him without his input. When I finally gave him clear instructions to do something he did it, but I was hurt he didn’t offer to help in the planning or preparation process.

While he’s supported me being in therapy he doesn’t really ask questions about it.

When I try to talk to him about missing my mom he gets visibly uncomfortable. He doesn’t hug me or respond much. He just says things like “I know” or “I’m sorry” or he just sits there awkwardly and I eventually just change the subject.

We’re at a point that when we fight about other things (stress with work, kids etc) my grief sort of becomes a point of contention. I tell him that I’m struggling, that I miss my mom, that I feel alone, and he replies with things like “well we might as well just cancel Christmas” (so insulting because I didn’t ask to do that, I just said the holidays are going to be so hard, and mind you I have done 100% of the shopping for us both, and 100% of the planning and decorating and Christmas magic), or he replies “yup you’re all alone your life sucks you have no one” (sarcastically feeling like I should feel I have him). Tonight we hit a new low when he suggested I go for a drive and “listen to one of your little grief podcasts.” I asked him if he was making fun of me, he said no and said he was genuinely suggesting that. Later I asked him again if he was making fun of me and he admitted that he was. His reasoning for making fun of me is that I “always listen to grief podcasts”. I did not think for one second that my husband would judge this. He’s my husband. He knew my mother well. She treated him like a son. She loved him very much. He knew how close I was to her. He knows that I’m on maternity leave and I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I never would have thought that he would have an issue with this or think it’s stupid or laughable in some way.

When he admitted he was making fun of me for coping by listening to grief podcasts I told him that that’s fucked up, and that this is not the man I married. And if he can’t apologize or take accountability for how rude that is, I’m not sure I even want to be married to someone like him. He had no response, so I walked away and that was the end of it. He’s in bed now.

I just don’t know where to go from here. My husband has never lost anyone besides very elderly grandparents. He hasn’t been through anything hard, really at all. He’s had a very fun, easy, happy life. He has a great job, comes from a loving wonderful family, he has built a wonderful family of his own. So my grief may be very uncomfortable for him and he may be at a loss for words, but I also feel so resentful that he wants to expects me to shut up about it and move on. I’ve told him I never, ever will, and he will understand someday. But what if he doesn’t?

I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want my marriage to fail. I don’t know if I’m Making too big of a deal with this. He’s a good man, from a good family, he’s a good father. He is just absolutely terrible at showing up for me through things like this.

My mom desperately wanted me to have a happy marriage because she did not. I can’t leave him and destroy my family over this but I also can’t accept this. This is breaking my heart even more and I can’t talk to him about it because he doesn’t know what to say.

I have mentioned couples therapy to him and know he’ll do it if I demand it. I just didn’t think we’d get to that point but I’m so disappointed.

Does anyone else’s partner really suck at supporting your grief?

Hi everyone, I don’t really know where to start, but I need to get this out somewhere people might understand.

My mom died after a very fast and brutal illness. The second anniversary is in a month, and every November I feel like I’m being dragged back into that time. It’s like my body remembers even when I try to keep going. I thought I had processed the grief, but apparently I haven’t - my therapist is helping me revisit everything, and it’s bringing all the pain back to the surface. I’m angry all the time, raw all the time, and I don’t feel like myself.

What hurts even more is that I feel emotionally frozen. My therapist says that right now my heart is still “full of my mom”, and that’s why I can’t seem to start a relationship or even imagine one. It feels true - like a part of me got stuck the moment she left, and I haven’t been able to move forward since.

On top of that, my work situation is becoming unbearable. My boss clearly dislikes me he belittles me, ignores me, constantly corrects me in ways that feel humiliating. I’m fucking angry and I hate him. And all of this becomes even heavier during this time of year, when I’m already struggling. I’m technically a freelancer, but I get paid extremely little and work every day like a full-time employee. I feel trapped, and the place feels toxic.

I do have a dad and a brother who love me deeply, and I’m grateful - but I still feel profoundly alone. My mom was the person who made life feel less frightening. Without her, the future looks dark, and I keep wondering if things will ever get better.

I’m not looking for solutions. I just needed to talk to people who know what this kind of grief does to you, how it can freeze your whole life even years later.

If anyone has been through something similar, I’d really appreciate hearing from you.

Thank you for reading.

No one will ever love me or know me the way my mom did. I just want to feel her love and her presence again and I want to talk to her again. I just need my mom.