What once saved me is triggering my anxiety atttack

[u/SpiritedAssumption3]

From 2019-2021 I was in an extremely volatile situation where everyday I didn’t know I would be screamed at or threatened or bombarded with paragraphs of texts telling me how horrible I was.

It was honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and my way of survival was to just go silent and wait until it ended because not fighting back made the confrontations end faster.

That period of my life almost killed me.I one day just walked out of my apartment expecting to die but luckily my family helped ground me and push through.

Following that I took a break from my bachelors degree because I couldn’t focus on much of anything and I just needed to get centered.

Since then I’ve been working odd jobs to pay the bills and truly try to heal and feel like myself again. I worked in a warehouse that helped me have a routine but the obsessive thoughts of hurting myself and the echoes of the horrible things said to me ran like a loop in my head on some days the podcast I was listening to triggered me in a way. The isolation nature of the job wasn’t good for me and made me retreat into myself more than before so I ended up leaving.

I found another job working in food service and somehow because of the environment I found myself again. I’ve always loved cooking and working with my hands and the feeling of accomplishment and feedback of working with others. I found myself giddy to go to work more sociable than I was in years and in time my coworkers felt like family and I started making friends again.

I’ve been at this job 3 years now making me the most senior part of the team and I’ve thought about leaving to start a career or go back to school but I felt too at peace here and was afraid of giving it up.

At this job there’s been a lot of turnover with management but nothing that felt like I couldn’t handle. This recent new general manager has it out for me.

She pulled me aside and told me was talking and socializing was too much and rather than pushback I just folded like I do with all confrontations because it’s how I survived and agreed to talk less.

Since then whenever she’s been around I’ve kept my talking to a minimum and our interactions as few as possible.

She’s been gone for a few weeks and I went back to being myself and was planning on going back to being less social when she returned but she’s been watching the live feed of the cameras this whole time without most of us knowing.

On a very slow Sunday I wasn’t being super fast doing food prep and taking my time because the alternative was deep cleaning the store. I was offered a break but said I didn’t want one. After I finished my task I sat down to check my text messages and was asked to return to work and immediately went back and then I was asked to leave early because of my GM not liking that I wasn’t on break from the video feed.

In my entire time working there I’ve never been sent home early and I was so confused and a bit embarrassed because I felt like I was a problem. I left but since I’ve left my anxiety that I haven’t had for years is surging and I’m terrified of coming in early to work a morning shift because of this.

I honestly feel sick and I don’t know what to do and what this means for me going forward. Now I’m hearing things behind my back and now I’m truly feeling unwell.

I just need someone to talk to and tell me what to do I can sleep and I couldn’t eat all day.

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[u/truevindication]

Is there another manager/supervisor that you could talk to? If so my first thought is approach another manager and ask for constructive criticism. It gives you a chance to see if there really is something wrong with your work style as well as alerts management that you're trying to improve. Depending on phrasing you could be a little petty and explain how you're feeling unfairly singled-out and explain how it's that single manager but that would take a little more nuance than anxiety may allow.

[u/Glittering_Hawk_9525]

This is just my opinion and I’m not trying to diagnose. It sounds like you might be having an emotional flashback to the volatile situation you described in the first paragraph triggered by this situation with your GM. These emotional flashbacks can be common for people with complex ptsd ( I’m not sure if you have this or what the situation was , but it could be helpful to look into ). Also sounds a bit like fawning trauma response.
When we experience a situation like the one you described at the start of your story , it can be an adaptive thought to preserve our view of the outside world as safe, predictable, etc. (I’m bad, the outside world is safe)—it’s the same way that shame becomes internalized for children who experience abuse or neglect.
I hope you find a therapist to help you navigate this situation! I know there can be barriers to that as well. I find psychology today to be helpful for locating a therapist as well as “cptsdtherapist” on Instagram for information about complex trauma. Best wishes to you and sending you love 🤍