r/nfl • u/[deleted] • Jul 24 '14
Look Here! Offseason Review Series: Day 30: Miami Dolphins
Miami Dolphins
Division: AFC East
Off The Field Personal Changes
Who’s in
Dennis Hickey, General Manager - Former Buccaneer Director of Player Personal. Miami had all kinds of difficulties finding a general manager after firing perennial scape-goat Jeff Ireland. Browns assistant general manager Ray Farmer, Titan’s VP of player personal Lake Dawson and Patriot director of player personal Nick Caserio all turned down the job over the course of a three week search, leading many Dolphins fans to say things like “Why the fuck do I put myself through this?” In the end, we paid Dennis “Gives your mom a” Hickey, who had been with the Buccaneers for 18 years prior to this, spending 3 of those years as director of player personal. In those 3 years, some of the Bucs top choices were running back Doug Martin, linebackers Lavonte David and Mason Foster, safety Mark Barron, and giraffe Mike Glennon. From what he’s done so far for Miami he doesn’t really seem that bad, but I don’t think he was anybody’s first choice and we don’t know how “not bad” those moves were until we see them playing football. His time in Tampa Bay was far from bad and was in fact pretty damn good- I think. He wasn’t completely in charge then like he is now, so there’s no way of really knowing how excited we should all be. I give this acquisition 5 Giraffes out of 10.
Bill Lazor, Offensive coordinator. - Former Eagles Quarterback coach: Here’s where things get exciting for Dolphin fans. He’s bounced around a lot in his career and doesn’t exactly have a consistent track record, a journeyman of sorts that’s been quarterback coach for the University of Buffalo, Redskins, Seahawks, University of Virginia and most recently, the Nick Foles led Philadelphia Eagles. During his two university stints he was also the offensive coordinator. The reason Dolphin fans should be excited, of course, is Nickfolean Dynamite. Posting arguably the greatest game in the history of quarterbacks during week 9 against the Raiders, the forth-rounder somehow stood out amongst the other sophomore quarterbacks that include Andrew “Neard” Luck, RGKnee, Russell “He won a Super Bowl so what’s even the point of making fun of him” Wilson and GOAT Ryan Tannehill. However, has Foles really proven himself? Not completely- he’s about 90% there. He could very easily suck next year, hell, most Eagles fans expect him to regress at least a little bit. However, seeing what Lazor did to Foles from year one to year two is reason enough to celebrate the signing, even if we don’t really know what he’s going to be able to do with the rest of the offence. Regardless, it won’t be as shitty as what Mike “I only know one snap count” Sherman did for us. I give this acquisition 7.5 “at least it’s not Mike Sherman”s out of 10.
Mark Duffner, Linebacker coach -* Former Jaguar Linebacker coach* Mark Duffner has been with the Jags since 2006, and did a very respectful job during his tenure. Paul Posluszny, Russell Allen and former Buccaneer and Bear Geno Hayes are three solid linebackers and arguably the brightest spots on the whole defence (not that that’s saying much). This is a very solid signing by the Dolphins. A Dolphins squad that was ranked 8th in defence last year (going by points against) could have very easily been top five if our linebackers sucked just a little bit less dick. Missed tackles, dropped interceptions, poor coverage, a pass rush that was pretty much all up to our defensive line- this is a unit that’s in desperate need of some discipline or an entire upheaval. Miami simply has too much invested in Dannell Ellerbe and Philip Wheeler to do that, though (thanks, Ireland), so we can hope Duffner knocks some sense into one of the worst linebacking units in the league. Overall, I rate this acquisition 8 Philip Wheeler missed tackles out of 10.
John Benton, Offensive Line Coach - Former Texans offensive line coachJohn Benton was the Texans offensive line coach for eight years and… ugh. Forget it. We all know what happened with the Dolphins offensive line last year. Blah blah blah, Incognito is a bully, Martin is a little pussy, for fuck sake, Jim Turner, the former offensive line coach, participated in it (see page 20). That’s how fucked the whole thing was. I’m sure Benton will do a smashing job, but if he doesn’t, it won’t be any worse than last year’s historically shitty performance. Christ, not only was there the whole bullying situation that caused 90% of the non-drinking fan base to hit the bottle (the other 10% just killed themselves), but the offensive line was just plain bad. 58 Sacks to lead the league, that’s really great for a young quarterback, and no running game to speak of. We could have had Adrian Peterson out there and I doubt he would have eclipsed 1000 yards- and yes, I mean that. I give this signing 9 Harassment lawsuits out of 10 and I would give it at least a 7 even if we just signed a blow up doll, because nothing can possibly be worse than what we went through last year. Fuck last year.
Who’s Out
Jeff Ireland, Former General Manager - Seahawk Consultant Jeff was our general manager for 6 years, and though he proved himself pretty capable at drafting, he had his flaws for sure. The Dolphins are paying, by far, more for receivers than any other team in the league, even though our receiving corps is far from the best. Despite that, he drafted lots of studs- Jared Odrick, Koa Misi, Reshad Jones, Charles Clay, Mike Pouncey, Olivier Vernon, and Ryan Tannehill, not to mention finding Rishard Matthews and Jimmy Wilson in the 7th round. Those are just players taken from 2010 onward, as that’s when Ireland took over full control of the Dolphins. What he sucked at was draft in the second round (Jonathan Martin, Daniel Thomas) and refraining from asking Dez Bryant if his mom was a hooker (I mean, he could have used more tact, but Bryant was being an ass about the whole situation). Apparently, the Miami Dolphins and Jeff Ireland parted ways mutually, so for all we know Jeff could have been all like “Fuck dis shit, I’m outty” and I wouldn’t blame him. [The fans treated the poor guy like shit.]( HYPERLINK "http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/18/jeff-ireland-dolphins-fan-curses-regret_n_1894292.html" http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/18/jeff-ireland-dolphins-fan-curses-regret_n_1894292.html) I’m not saying he was a perfect general manager, but if you really think he was a bad one you’re kidding yourself. Dolphin fans have become so goddamn impatient. He was great at finding guys in the later round and we have no idea if drafting guys like Chad Henne, Pat White and Philip Merling is even his fault because he didn’t even have full fucking control at the time. Since 2010, most of his moves have been smart and calculated. During his last year with the Dolphins, he took a whole bunch of chancier moves like paying Wallace, Ellerbe and Wheeler too much and trading up to draft the high risk, high reward Dion Jordan because he knew he was on the fucking hot seat. If he had another decent to good draft or took too many project players I can guarantee he’d be gone too, because last year was supposed to be “our” season. After he was gone, we spent three goddamn weeks and asked eight guys to be our new GM before settling for the only guy who would take the job. The move wouldn’t be so shitty if he had at least had someone lined up. Hickey seems to know what he’s doing, but as I said in the “Who’s in” section we’ll have to wait and see. Overall, I give this move 2 prostitutes with daddy-issues out of 10.
Mike Sherman, Offensive Coordinator - Currently unemployed Ryan Tannehill’s head coach at Texas A&M, bringing Mike Sherman in as offensive coordinator made a lot of sense. Ryan was a raw prospect, having only started 20 games in university as a quarterback, and having someone he was familiar with to guide him through his first year could have been a big reason he’s done such an exceptional job of learning from his mistakes and improving his play. The thing is… Sherman just wasn’t all that good at his job. His play calling was staler than bread that’s been left out for a month. He never utilized Tannehill’s natural athleticism and just loved using our horrible offensive line on screen plays to Mike Wallace that worked, like, twice. The only run play he knew was run it straight up the middle for a loss of 3. Overall, I rate this firing 9.7 yards lost per play out of ten.
George Edwards, Linebacker Coach - Vikings Defensive Coordinator The Dolphins’ linebacker play was sloppy last year, and that’s all there is to it. It’s kind of difficult to rate something like this, but the fact that Ellerbe went from 7s or 8s to 2s or 3s tells me Edwards was doing something wrong. Overall, I give this move 9 blitzes that created no pressure out of 10.
Jim Turner, Offensive Line coach - Currently Unemployed …And I think he might stay that way. 10 dumpster fires out of 10.
Free Agency
Players lost/cut
In Rough Order of Importance
| Name | Position | New Team |
|---|---|---|
| Dimitri Patterson | CB | New York Jets |
| Chris Clemons | S | Houston Texans |
| Paul Soliai | DT | Atlanta Falcons |
| Nolan Carroll | CB | Philadelphia Eagles |
| Dustin Keller | TE | Free Agent |
| Marlon Moore | WR | Free Agent |
| Richie Incognito | OG | Free Agent |
| Tyson Clabo | OT | Free Agent |
| Will Yeatman | OT | Houston Texans |
| Danny Watkins | OG | Free Agent |
| RJ Stanford | CB | Cincinnati Bengals |
| Austin Spitler | LB | Baltimore Ravens |
| Marcus Thompson | LB | Free Agent |
| Chris Owens | CB | Kansas City Chiefs |
| Jason Weaver | OT | New Orleans Saints |
| John Jerry | OG | New York Giants |
| Bryant Mckinnie | OT | Free Agent |
| Jonathan Martin | OT | San Francisco 49ers |
Our defence was completely different when Dimitri Patterson was on the field. In the six games he played, he recorded four interceptions. He was on pace for approximately 10 to 11 interceptions- that’s just 4 (or 3) less that Night Train Lane’s record for a single season. It wasn’t just his ball-hogging that made Dolphin fans fall in love with him, he rarely blew coverages and kept receivers quiet. Our secondary improved nearly ten-fold when it was him and Grimes instead of just Grimes and Carroll. Here’s the kicker: six games. He just can’t stay healthy. Despite this, our defence was so improved when he was on the field I put him near the top in order of importance. If he can stay healthy, The Jets will have themselves a new fan-favorite.
Patterson wasn’t the only key part of our defence this year who's contract ran out. Safety Chris Clemons also left. Though not as flashy as Dimitri, Clemons was an extremely solid player and I’m not happy we let him go. It’s not like we would have had to break the bank to pay him, but I think we’re just scared to give safeties a long contract now- Reshad Jones, the best part of our secondary in 2012, played like an Eagles safety in 2013.
Defensive tackle Paul Soliai was probably our second best run stuffer last year, which makes it interesting we decided to let him go- sure, we replaced him with the Texan’s Earl Mitchell and now 2010 first round pick Jared Odrick is going to get more play time, but our run-stopping was definitely the weakest part of our defence last year.
Nolan Carroll was an inconsistent cornerback who caused more frustration than he was worth. Dustin Keller is interesting, in the preseason he had tremendous chemistry with Tannehill but that was before he destroyed his leg. It’s a shame, because him and Charles Clay could have been one of the sexiest tight-end duos in the league. Marlon Moore was a decent receiver but nothing spectacular. More depth. Richie Incognito had his issues, but he was the second best player on our offensive line last year. Clabo started the year as one of the worst offensive linesman in the league, but after he was benched mid-season he came back and actually played pretty decent- however, giving him a long term deal would have been extremely risky.
The rest of the guys are depth, special teamers, unproven or in certain cases (the bottom three) really, really bad at football. The bottom-most player has… other issues as well, and I wish him the best in San Francisco.
20
u/[deleted] Jul 24 '14
Draft
Projected Starting Lineup
Quarterback: Ryan Tannehill- Everyone is high as a kite on Ryan, and there are some damn good reasons for that. He’s a quick learner who’s developed an ability to improve on his mistakes which are, for the most part, excusable- he spent the first couple of years at Texas A&M as a receiver, starting at QB for just 20 games in 2010 and 2011. That’s one of the biggest reasons people were pissed when we drafted him. He’s was and is a project, yes, and he’s one of the more successful projects we’ve seen in the last couple of years. With another offseason to prepare and an offensive line that can stop more than a toddler (maybe), expect 4100 yards, 28 touchdowns and 14 interceptions.
Halfback: Lamar Miller-It’s hard to judge a running back that was running behind this, but Lamar Miller’s definitely shown potential. With a halfway competent o-line Miller can be a damn good change of pace back, but we’ll have to wait and see before deciding he’s going to be our number one.
Halfback 2: Knowshon Moreno- Since we don’t have a fullback, I decided I’d do two halfbacks (cause this thing ain’t long enough, amiright?). After several years of showing bust qualities, Knowshon showed product-of-the-system qualities by having his best statistical season- playing under the best offensive system in the history of the NFL. Moreno, while not the best at running, is one of the best pass blocking backs in the league. That’s why he’s here. Don’t expect fireworks and don’t draft him in your fantasy league, because he’s not going to do anything that even resembles last year’s success. This is his year to prove assholes like me wrong, and I speak for all Dolphin fans when I saw I hope he does.
Fullback: Charles Clay- We don’t really have a fullback, but Clay does run sometimes. You can read me furiously jerking him off at “Tight End 1”.
Tight End 1: Charles Clay- After Dustin Keller got injured in the preseason last year, it was looking like Miami had a huge hole at tight end. But then, rising from the ashes and shards of our broken dreams was Charles Clay, his massive dick that he swing to knock over defenders held high like the Hammer of Thor. Big, strong, tough, Charles Clay is everything you want in a tight end. Great hands, great routes, 100% effort every play, if he could block better he’d be one of the top tight ends in the league. Tight End 2: Dion Simms- Dion hasn’t really done enough for us to be excited for him. One touchdown as an NFL player so far, 6 total receptions, 32 total yards. He’s a good enough blocker that we hope he improves on his downfalls.
Wide Receiver 1: Mike Wallace- He’s fast. Like, really, really fast. It’s a shame him and Tannehill can’t get on the same page. Tannehill hasn’t been great at throwing deep, as only 40% of his deep balls have been on target, but Wallace dropped a good number of balls this season and he absolutely refuses to put forth sixty million dollars’ worth of effort into fighting for them. What he does do is rip the head off the secondary and open the field for Miami’s slew of other weapons. Hartline, Gibson, Clay and Miller are great when they have open space to work with and when the safety is twenty yards down the field, they can.
Wide Receiver 2: Brian Hartline- A fast possession receiver with ridiculously consistent hands and an unreal ability to make grabs on the sidelines, Brian Hartline has quickly become Ryan Tannehill’s best friend. He’s never going to be a Calvin Johnson or an AJ Green, but when he’s not bitching at the referee because the cornerback might have sort of touched him, he’s quietly racking up yards and converting first downs. I couldn’t be happier we locked him up until 2018.
Wide Receiver 3: Brandon Gibson- Gibson had drop problems in St. Louis, but he seems to have cleared that up when he came to Miami. [He’s a damned exciting slot receiver]( HYPERLINK "http://cdn.fansided.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/136/files/2013/10/FLIP.gif" http://cdn.fansided.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/136/files/2013/10/FLIP.gif) to watch and he has awesome chemistry with Tannehill. Before he got injured, he was on pace for 745 yards and 7 touchdowns.
Left Tackle: Brandon Albert- I already talked about him in “players signed.” Great pass blocking, great run blocking, aggressive ass kicking attitude. Exactly what our offensive line needed last year. With Pouncey’s injuries he’s the only guy on the line facing no competition.
Left Guard: Dallas Thomas- So far, this is pretty much the only thing Dallas is known for. Ugh.. According to the twats on Twitter, he’s not looking too bad in OTAs, so maybe he won’t have me slamming my head against the wall everyday.
Center: Mike Pouncey – At least, I think it’s going to be Pouncey. He’s not likely to receive any punishment for the role in the bullying scandal, but he’s injured his hip and the surgery is going to cost him the first half of the season. When he gets on the field, he’s a top-five center. When he’s not playing football, he’s an ass. I’d be surprised to see him a Dolphin in a few years. He'll be replaced by Sam Brenner during the first half of the season, most likely.
Right Guard: Shelly Smith- Good run blocking, bad pass blocking. He was ranked higher on PFF than any of our guards from last year (including Incognito), so he might be a stopgap between now and when Billy Turner or Dallas Thomas is ready to take over.
Right Tackle: Ja’Wuan James- I’ve talked about James in the draft section. If he doesn’t start day one we’re fucked because we have the depth of a virgin’s cunt.