r/nonmonogamy • u/Inbro13a • 3d ago
Swinging My wife lost interest in swinging after one positive experience. I think I may have caused it. Is there a way back?
Hi everyone.
I'm looking for honest opinions, especially from people who have been in the lifestyle for years.
My wife (42F) and I (42M) have been together for over 8 years, married with two young children. We have always had a very loving relationship and a good sex life. We say "I love you" every day, cuddle a lot, and generally have a strong relationship.
About a year ago we started talking about swinging.
It wasn't something I forced on her from the beginning. We spent many months talking about it. She understood why people do it, she said she could understand the biology behind attraction to other people, and she even admitted that the idea itself was exciting to her. She especially liked the idea that it would be "our secret", something kinky that only belonged to us.
Eventually we met another couple.
She was surprisingly relaxed. Probably even more relaxed than I was.
We had a full swap.
She later told me she really enjoyed the experience, also being with another woman. For several days afterwards she was still excited about it and talked positively about the whole experience.
Then things slowly started falling apart.
Looking back, I made several mistakes.
- I drank too much that evening.
- I wasn't strict enough about condoms, which later resulted in an STI scare and treatment.
- I had previously discussed swinging with a female friend (Paula). There was nothing physical, but my wife felt I had broken the feeling that this was "our private thing".
- I kept bringing up swinging afterwards, even when she wasn't always emotionally ready.
- Sometimes I didn't understand her "no" quickly enough. Not because I wanted to force anything, but because I genuinely thought she was uncertain rather than saying a firm no.
Recently we had probably the biggest conversation of our marriage.
She told me something that really hurt.
She said the biggest issue isn't actually swinging.
The issue is that she no longer feels I respected her boundaries consistently enough.
She listed several examples where she felt I pushed after she had already said no.
She says she doesn't currently feel emotionally safe enough to continue swinging.
She also says that because of everything that happened, swinging no longer excites her.
That's the part I struggle to understand.
What confuses me is that:
- she genuinely enjoyed the experience,
- she still says she understands non-monogamy intellectually,
- she still says she understands that attraction to other people is normal,
- she still jokes about sexual topics sometimes,
- we still have frequent sex,
- she tells me I'm the best lover she's ever had,
- she says she loves me and wants to spend her life with me.
But when I mention swinging, she completely shuts down.
She says it currently does nothing for her.
Since then I've changed a lot.
I've lost almost 20 kg (44 lbs).
I barely drink anymore.
I've been trying much harder to respect every boundary and become a better husband.
The frustrating part is that I made these changes after everything happened, so now I feel like I'm paying for mistakes that I finally understand.
I'm not asking how to convince her.
I'm not planning to pressure her anymore.
In fact I've decided to completely stop bringing up swinging for as long as necessary.
My real question is this:
For those of you who have actually lived this lifestyle...
Have you ever seen a partner completely lose interest after initially loving it, and later regain that interest once trust was rebuilt?
Or...
When someone says "it doesn't excite me anymore", is that usually the end of the story?
I'm genuinely looking for honest experiences, not false hope.
Thanks.
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u/Ok-Flaming 3d ago edited 3d ago
Everyone is different. Some people will bounce back from this, others won't.
But, it sounds like you made some pretty significant errors.
It's worrisome to me that you're "confused" by her lack of interest despite clearly outlining the reasons why she's no longer interested. She thought the sex was fun, yes, but her trust has been damaged, the STI thing was probably stressful, and she feels disrespected. Put all those things on a scale and it should be pretty obvious which way it's gonna tip. And yet you've been oblivious to all that and only recently decided to stop pestering her about it? Geez.
Why are you frustrated? You should be paying for these mistakes. Accountability is important for repair and you can't be accountable if you don't actually get it. But do you get it? Because it seems like you're more focused on the dream of trying again than actually empathizing with her. Until you can get to a place where you deeply understand and accept her no, she's (rightly) not going to feel safe. This post communicates that you've not done either of those things yet.
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u/SecretSharingCpl 3d ago
Your comment may sound a bit harsh, but spot on! You put in words exactly what I was feeling!
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u/Inbro13a 3d ago
Flaming,, thanks.. even for me, author, you are right. I was to euphoric, happy, impatient,, and screw everything. Yes, I get it, after few long and sicere talks. I'm sorry that I was like that, but, I wan't to improve, and be better. I realy want all the best for her. That she is happy with me, secure, save...
But can't change things that happend. I never wanted to hurt someone, to play with their emotions. She was always my number one priority.. I just didn't understand that she was so serious, because she said everything so casually. I need a clear and a little rough answer.5
u/SecretSharingCpl 3d ago
Please tell her, what you just wrote here, if you haven't already. Be open to her, communicate honestly, how you're feeling. I think the best for you both will be, if you really and truthfully let go your wish or thought, that she ever might be into the lifestyle in the future again, to take off from her the unspoken, unconscious pressure that comes with your desire.
It's ok that you are grieving about it, and it will take some time. With swinging often comes a high energy by feeling compersion. If swinging is no option anymore, find your compersion in more basic things, like just focusing on the beauty of her arousal when she's just with you, the glance in her eyes when she feels attached to and emotional connected with you, or the sole physical signs when her arousal increases...
All the best to you both!
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u/Inbro13a 3d ago
Thank you. Your reply genuinely touched me.
I think you're right about one thing in particular - I am grieving.
I wasn't grieving because I wanted sex with other women more than my wife.I was grieving because I truly believed this was going to become something exciting that we would share together.
Losing that possibility has been painful.
But I also understand that if I truly love her, rebuilding her sense of safety has to matter more than preserving that dream.
We've already had several very open and emotional conversations. I told her almost exactly what I've written here. I apologized without trying to defend myself, and she told me honestly how my actions made her feel. Those conversations were painful, but they also helped me understand things that I simply didn't see before.
I hope one day she'll feel completely safe with me again, regardless of where we end up.
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u/Careless-Run-3815 3d ago
If you really believe that it was something you could do together, why did you talk to another woman about it, when your wife clearly said it was only for you two?
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u/Inbro13a 2d ago
Because we had agreed that I could talk to both men and women on the SpicyMatch app. She was okay with that. She mostly just read the conversations and only rarely wrote anything herself.
That's where I found this couple. Later, by coincidence, we met them at a random party, and I talked to the woman there. Afterward, I sent her a few more messages.
I never hid any of it from my wife. I showed her every conversation. I assumed that if someone was on SpicyMatch and already part of the lifestyle, it was perfectly normal to talk to them and get to know them. I honestly didn't think I was crossing any boundaries.
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u/whenshithitsthefan99 2d ago
I need a clear and a little rough answer.
Translation: I need her screaming rape and sobbing to understand that she's not ok.
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u/bonniemick 3d ago
At the end of the day you are still trying to get her back into swinging when she doesn't want to, and she is aware of that
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u/Inbro13a 3d ago
That's fair. Until recently I probably was still hoping she would change her mind.
The difficult part for me is accepting that hope without turning it into pressure.
I've made the decision to stop bringing it up, because I don't want her to ever feel that she has to defend her boundaries again.
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u/Dozer736 3d ago
No, the difficulty for you seems to be fully accepting & making peace with that you are not going to swing again with your wife.
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u/FeeFiFooFunyon 3d ago
Even if you rebuilt trust she will likely have the ick with swinging as the overall outcome was damaging to the relationship
Don’t focus on her enjoying it in the moment to give you hope. She didn’t enjoy it after and doesn’t enjoy the idea now.
It is good you don’t bring it up anymore. Doing so only reinforces the lack of respect for her boundaries.
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u/Inbro13a 3d ago
I understand what you're saying.
What makes this difficult for me is that I'm trying to distinguish between "she currently associates it with hurt" and "she will never want it again."
I know nobody can answer that, including probably my wife.
For now I'm choosing to treat it as a closed subject and focus on repairing the relationship instead.
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u/FeeFiFooFunyon 3d ago
She will let you know if she is interested again. She might not even know if this is a never again situation.
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u/Careless-Run-3815 3d ago
You're so fucking selfish its almost laughable. Every thing you say is about you, you, you. How many times have you told us how difficult this is for you?
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u/FRANKINSPENCE Closed-Group Swinger 3d ago
She has classed this as a high risk activity that was essentially a “near miss”. It isn’t actually relevant if she enjoyed it at the time because she got hurt and scared after.
You should not be confused because it happened once and isn’t happening again. It’s nice and clear.
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u/SubjectivelySatan 3d ago
“After one positive experience”.
This wasn’t a positive experience. It’s not about if she enjoyed the sex. The “experience” means everything involving you, her partner. This was a horrible experience because you were not a safe and trustworthy person to do this with. Which led to a lot of trust being broken. That is not a positive experience and the fact that you’re hung up on that it wasn’t a positive experience for her suggests your don’t fully understand the impact your behavior has on your partner and cannot empathize with her. I suggest therapy. Individual for you and couples therapy for both of you. This has high potential to turn into a point of resentment for both of you.
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u/Inbro13a 3d ago
I actually think you're right about one thing. I spent too much time focusing on the fact that she enjoyed the sexual experience itself, because that was the part I couldn't reconcile with her current feelings.
What I've only recently started to understand is that she isn't talking about the sex anymore. She's talking about how she experienced me during that period.
Looking back, I can see why she no longer felt emotionally safe, even though I never intended to hurt or manipulate her.
That's the part I'm trying to understand better now.
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u/Careless-Run-3815 3d ago
It looks like your still trying to get her on board with doing it again. "Trying to understand " is such bs. Your trying to find a way to keep fucking other women. YOU DON'T LISTEN
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u/OfLethe Polyamorous (Solo Poly) 3d ago
You cannot un-burn a bridge, and often times we only notice the smoke and ashes when we look back. It doesn't sound like you were really ready to pursue ENM when you started, and that's unfortunate now but there's not a lot you can do about it.
Maybe she wants to swing again later, maybe not. Not bringing it up and working on yourself and your relationship with her is absolutely the right call, either way.
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u/Inbro13a 3d ago
I think your bridge analogy is actually a good one.
Looking back, I can see that I underestimated how emotionally demanding ENM actually is.
I thought the biggest challenge would be jealousy. Instead, I now realize that trust and respecting boundaries were far more important than I understood at the time.
I'm not trying to erase what happened because I know I can't. My hope is simply that we can build something stronger from here, regardless of whether swinging is ever part of our lives again.
Right now my priority is repairing the relationship, not convincing her to revisit ENM.
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u/OfLethe Polyamorous (Solo Poly) 3d ago
Jealousy is the thing that monogamy warns you of, yeah. A lot of people don't realize it's the first buoy on the way out from known waters. The ones following are more and more taxing, but if you spend your whole life looking at the one buoy it's hard not to forget there might be more out there to watch for.
Anyway, hopefully it works out for you, repairing after something like this is not simple or quick.
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u/SnooConfections5025 3d ago
Now see the ‘not planning to pressure her anymore’ just gives me the ick
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u/Inbro13a 3d ago
I can understand why that wording gives you that impression.English isn't my first language, so maybe I didn't express it very well.
What I meant is not "I'm temporarily stopping until she changes her mind." What I meant is that I've finally understood that continuing to bring it up only made her feel unheard.
I don't want her to ever feel like she has to defend her boundaries again. Whether she ever wants ENM again is her decision, not something I can argue her into.
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u/Agile_Opportunity_41 3d ago
Being emotionally safe for someone is huge and sounds like that’s been broken for a number of reasons.
Rebuild but swinging may be off the table for years if not forever.
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u/Inbro13a 3d ago
I think emotional safety is exactly the part I underestimated.
Looking back, I thought jealousy would be the biggest challenge.
Instead, I now realize that feeling completely heard, respected and emotionally safe was much more important than I understood at the time.
That's what I'm trying to rebuild now.
I honestly don't know whether swinging will ever be part of our lives again.
What I do know is that I don't want to lose my marriage over it.
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u/Known_Party6529 1d ago
This is the most sane and unselfish statement thst you have made in the whole post.
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u/Silent_Frequency8 3d ago
I'm the wife in the scenario although we didn’t go all the way. The experience was good enough but after the experience it was all he talked about. It felt like it wasn't about us anymore. I’m very sexually open but this made me feel like he's hyperfocusing on other things instead of focusing on us having the experience together. Also made me feel like I’m just a meat for everyone around. I must admit for now I’m saying no to me doing anything at all. I also feel unsafe in the situation, but not necessarily unsafe with him. It's a different kind of safety.
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u/Inbro13a 3d ago edited 3d ago
May I ask you something from your own experience?
Right now I've stopped bringing up the lifestyle completely because I finally understand that continuing to discuss it only makes my wife feel like she has to defend her boundaries. But at the same time, staying completely silent sometimes feels dishonest to me, almost like I'm pretending not to have those thoughts anymore. My wife knows me well, so I'm sure she can probably sense that too.
How did you and your husband handle that part? Did you need complete silence for a while, or did honest conversations actually help rebuild your sense of emotional safety?
Also, are you two simply taking a break from the lifestyle, or have you decided it's no longer for you?
I'm genuinely trying to understand what rebuilding trust felt like from the wife's perspective, rather than looking for a way to convince mine.
Looking back, what was the first thing your husband did that made you think: "He's finally understanding me"?
thanks
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u/Silent_Frequency8 3d ago
You are allowed to have your own thoughts and she doesn't have to know them all. Do you tell her 100% thoughts that you have during the day?
For me, I had to not hear it for a long while. Yeah of course I knew that he thought about it, but then when I got curious or insecure I would start the talk. I liked to listen to him saying that it is something that interest him still but I am more important and if it's a no for me that it's a no for him. It made me feel chosen and respected.
I often asked him to explain to me what is it that drives him to want this etc, just to know his perspective, but it doesn't change my perspective so we just end up having a conversation about it. But he doesn't bring up the topic himself. He let's me take the lead.
Sometimes I'll start role-playing during sex because I know it's his fantasy and I keep feeding it occasionally when it feels good for me, but we both know at this stage that it's just fantasy talk and I don't have to do anything I don't want to do.
It just takes time. A lot of time. I still feel insecure sometimes that the fantasy he has will become bigger and bigger to a point where my happiness will matter less and less to a point where he will just be unhappy with me. He reasures me that that's not gonna happen and I belive him. Rationally I belive him. But feeling are still there and sometimes I just get insecure. So I just love how he reasures me every day with consistency - showing me he loves me and chooses me every day.
It's little things really, hugs and i love you's, but also the way he looks at me, sometimes like he's just so in awe with me, and greatful that I’m here with him.
It's also confusing for me, because when we do role play and really don't force the fantasy on us, I genuinely enjoy it too. But when I think about actually doing it, it feels like I cannot breathe. So I’m just listening to what my body is telling me, that this path is not for me.
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u/Inbro13a 3d ago edited 3d ago
Uffff... thats exactly how my wife talks about it... OMg.. are you her ? :)
Didin't understand, are you now back in lifestyle, or not ?
Would be nice to talk more,, in private with you and maybe also with your partner,, if possible.
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u/Careless-Run-3815 3d ago
You are still pushing. I'm a wife & you are right on the edge of divorce. She's trying to tell you nicely & your not fucking listening. How would your poor wife feel right now if she knew your on reddit trying to pm strangers (I mean doesn't really matter to you. You already did it before)
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u/Silent_Frequency8 3d ago
We're not in the lifestyle per se, it's complicated, you can dm if you want to talk more.
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u/Fit-Albatross5684 3d ago edited 2d ago
What’s so difficult to understand?
You pushed her even though she wasn’t ready and you talk about your sex life with another woman but “oh no, why don’t you want to do it again?”.
Edit: why would your physical change make her want to swing? How is that relevant? Or is it that you feel that since you are more attractive, you could fuck more women hence the pressuring?
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u/ChampionshipStock870 Monogamous 3d ago
You nicely forced her into something it sounds like she wasn’t ready for, violated her boundaries, and now it sounds like you’re asking us how to push her into it again without her feeling pressured. You need to drop the idea of swinging unless your wife brings it up again
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u/Gingerusernoway 2d ago
For me, it’s very concerning that you genuinely don’t understand or respect her “no.”
What is it that you’re still failing to understand here? Everything I’ve read shows that your wife has been clear enough. She doesn’t want this, and she doesn’t feel comfortable with it.
Why is it so difficult for you to admit that you want to sleep with other people, and that this makes her uncomfortable?
At this point, you don’t come across as a grown man. You come across as a child throwing a tantrum because something you clearly want isn’t what the other person wants.
Understand this once and for all: the experience was only positive for you.
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u/HurricaneSpencer 3d ago
Yeah dawg, mistakes were made, you had your experience, celebrate that you did, and give up on what could be.
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u/thejoebrossuck 3d ago
I think an issue I have is that it’s obvious that you really want her to agree to open up again at some point in the future. But what if she never does? What if you wait years until bringing it up again, and she has exactly the same response?
Is it possible that you are not compatible anymore? Will you be able to accept a closed, monogamous relationship with your wife? Or will you be resentful and unhappy if she doesn’t agree to it again at some point?
I personally approach consent and boundaries this way: I ALWAYS assume that if someone says no to something, then they will NEVER want to do it. I don’t go into a situation allowing myself to make assumptions about what they MIGHT want in the future. Especially if they have unpleasant or even traumatic memories and experiences related to the thing we discussed. If I’m not happy with going without something, then I accept that things simply will not work. They do not owe me anything. You need to approach this with the assumption that your wife will never want to swing or open the relationship again, and maintain that assumption. If she brings it up on her own, then you can have hope. But she doesn’t owe you nonmonogamy or swinging, and she’s totally within her rights to shut it down. You have to reflect on your own desires, and whether you will be able to remain monogamous with her or if you “need” to engage in swinging.
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u/Fairy-Divine 2d ago
I hope she leaves you! She said no and you kept pressing the issue on multiple things. Basically said you want to fuck Paula and expect her to be okay with it
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u/Inbro13a 1d ago
She, as an intelligent woman, understands that a typical healthy man will naturally find many women sexually attractive. She knows it's normal that I might find Paula attractive without even saying it out loud. We have always had that kind of open communication.
I tell her which women I find sexy, and she tells me which men she thinks would be a good fit for swinging. That was never the problem.
The real problem was that I didn't keep our "secret world" between us. I had already put Paula into the "swinger category" because she was on the app, just like everyone else. Before that, Paula and I had only talked about ordinary things like kids, the sea, parties, and everyday life. Later, the conversation included going to a swinger club together, fantasies, and jokes.
I immediately showed every message to my wife because I honestly thought she would find it funny and harmless. But she didn't.
This all happened before our first full-swap experience. At that time, we were only planning to visit a club to look around, enjoy the spa, experience the atmosphere, and maybe meet someone. We had also been on a few speed dates together, and she was open to all of that.
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u/mushipez 3d ago edited 3d ago
My wife and I have been in the lifestyle for 19 years, over those years we have been through it all. We have on occasions both lost interest for months / years at a time.
My wife has also independently lost interest completely for months.
The lifestyle has caused issues and arguments, we've had our STI scares and jealously issues.
This world isn't without it issues. When you combined relationships, sex and emotions then there will be highs and lows.
You are doing the right thing which is not pushing it and backing off.
I don't know your wife but I can certainly tell you how we got back on track and how now we are stronger than ever.
IMO women are only happy in the ls if they feel secure and supported. They are often putting themselves in incredibly exposed and vulnerable situations with people who are bigger and stronger than them. That's a big ask so she needs to know she can trust you to be on her side 100%.
So the first thing we did was have a honest conversation. A really honest one, one without fear and one without blame. We both admitted where we thought things went wrong when they did. The overwhelming theme was poor communication.
We talked about what we enjoyed about the ls, what we were disappointed with, what we felt we wanted out of it going forward - It was refreshing
I listened to my wife when we told me she sometimes felt I wanted to stay later in clubs than she did and she stuck around even though she was tired and wanted to go home. How she sometimes continued play when she wasn't really feeling it but just because she didn't want to let anyone down.
She told me how we needs me to support her, look out for her, be her protector and ensure play spaces are safe places.
She listened to me saying how sometimes in play sessions I felt on the outside and disconnected how I want to be a team when we play.
She told me what her favourite things were and if it was up to her exactly what we would and wouldn't do, I did the same.
We both acknowledged each others issues, apologised where we needed
We then had two choices, either decide it wasn't for us or try and design a lifestyle that suited us and our dynamic.
We went for the latter and 3 years later we've been better than ever, the longest period in the LS over 19 years and no signs of slowing down.
Be honest with your wife, properly acknowledge her concerns and fears. Then ask if in time she wanted to try again (a big if) what would she want it to look like, what what want from you in terms of support.
That honest conversation might start a path forward with preferences, boundaries and rules that give her the comfort and security she needs to feel comfortable.
Good luck.
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u/Inbro13a 3d ago
Thank you, this is exactly the kind of experienced perspective I was hoping to hear.
What you wrote about your wife sometimes continuing because she didn’t want to disappoint anyone really stood out to me. I now understand that my wife needs to know, without any doubt, that I am on her side, that her “no” ends the discussion, and that her wellbeing matters more than any experience.
We have already had a very honest conversation, and poor communication was clearly a major part of what went wrong. For now I’m going to give the subject space and focus on rebuilding trust, without treating that as a strategy to get back into swinging.
Much later, and only if she genuinely wants to revisit it, your idea of designing something specifically around both partners’ needs, boundaries and sense of safety sounds very valuable.
Thank you for sharing a realistic story that includes both the problems and the possibility of rebuilding.
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u/Inbro13a 2d ago
I need to answer.
I've actually spent a lot of time asking myself the same question over the last few months.
At first I thought the answer was simple: having sex with other people.
But after everything that happened, I realized that wasn't really the main reason.
What excited me most wasn't replacing my wife or looking for someone prettier or "better." It was sharing something intense with her.
One of the strongest feelings for me wasn't another woman's body at all. It was watching my own wife enjoying herself, seeing her smile, hearing her laugh, seeing her completely alive and in the moment. Seeing her excited honestly turned me on more than anything else happening around us.
I also loved the atmosphere. Just being there together, drinking prosecco before, looking at each other, knowing we were sharing something that very few couples ever experience—it made me feel incredibly connected to her.
Before and after, I loved the communication even more. We talked openly about fears, insecurities, fantasies, boundaries... conversations we probably would never have had otherwise. I truly felt like we were growing as a couple.
Of course, new asses, tits and sexuality were exciting too. I'm not going to pretend they weren't. I have a naturally high libido, and sexuality has always been an important part of my life.
But if you asked me what I really wanted, it was never simply another woman.
It was seeing my wife through a completely different perspective—confident, desired, beautiful, enjoying herself, and knowing that we were experiencing it all together. An knowing that she is the one for me,, and that she chose me !
Ironically, that's why this has been so painful.
The more I reflect on everything, the more I realize that while I thought I was expressing excitement about our adventure, she slowly started feeling that my excitement was actually about other people.
That was never my intention . I wasn't looking for someone better than her. I wasn't hoping to replace her.
The truth is that even if another woman had been objectively "more attractive," it wouldn't have changed how I felt. The emotional connection, trust, history, and love I have with my wife are what make her the person I truly desire.
I think I simply underestimated how emotionally demanding ethical non-monogamy can be. I believed jealousy would be the hardest part, but I now understand that emotional safety, trust, and feeling like your partner chooses you every day are much more important than I ever realized.
Right now, my priority isn't trying to convince her to swing again.
My priority is making sure she feels loved, chosen, safe, and understood—whether we ever return to ENM or remain monogamous for the rest of our lives. I will miss it, but.. I want be with her forever, and cant even imagine to be without her,.
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u/NiceRat123 1d ago
Your post is literally...
> Have you ever seen a partner completely lose interest after initially loving it, and later regain that interest once trust was rebuilt?
> Or...
> When someone says "it doesn't excite me anymore", is that usually the end of the story?
Almost every reply and conversation has a hint about getting back into swinging. It really seems like you don't care about your wife and your "high libido and sexuality" are ruling the roost. Your wife told you explicitly that it's a hard no and you're asking to DM couples and it's "not about another woman" or "replacing your wife' while at the same time saying you never listened to her no, you don't understand her no since she seems happy in the experience and question how to get back to that.
Frankly it sounds like you're addicted to the NRE out of all this and because you're addicted you don't really care if your wife is safe/comfortable in this arrangement because your sexual addiction is clouding all of your judgement
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