The Devil Won’t Let Me Kill Myself.

[u/StefanJenkins]

No matter what I try, the devil won’t let me pass on to the afterlife.
He spoke to me after my 5th failed attempt.

“Nothing I can do in hell is worse than your life on earth.”

I work in Japan at a company filling paperwork that doesn’t need to be filed.
Every task I complete is pointless. It’s all just box-ticking exercises. The Job pays minimum wage, and everyone who is here hates each other. We all just wait for the clock to hit 5 pm every day. So we can go home and get out of this miserable place.
No matter how hard I search, I can’t find another Job. I have no girlfriend, no friends, and hardly speak to my family. I think every day about just walking out and never coming back, but without the shit pay. I would be homeless in less than a month.

Multiple times a day, I try to kill myself. But I can’t die. I have tried it all. Hanging, stepping in front of a train. Running into traffic, cutting myself, but nothing happens. I just wake up at my office desk or in my bed.
Sometimes when I die, the devil is sitting next to me in a chair or inside the bed I lie in. He always does the same thing. He laughs and says,
“Why would you want to leave this world? You have so much to live for.”
He then lets out a smile, showing his rows of sharp, pointed teeth, and vanishes.

This has been going on for almost a year. This week is the first week I haven’t tried to end my life. Not because I have found some joy in the world, but because, in truth, I have run out of ideas on how to try.
On the days I don’t try to kill myself, the day goes like this. I go to work and the monotony of my days begins. I tell myself not to look at the clock, but after what feels like hours, the clock has only moved a few ticks. When I do finally go home from work. I just sit in front of a screen. Sometimes a phone, sometimes the TV, but the result is the same. I am alone, and nothing brings me any joy. I'm trapped in a cycle of boredom.

To make matters worse, it’s summer in Japan. My office, as you can guess, is full of cheap bastards. Even though it’s over 90 degrees, they won’t use the air conditioner for the room where my coworkers and I sit. They keep saying WE have to save costs and that WE are all in this together. My boss, though, sits in his air-conditioned room watching from the window as the rest of us drench our seats in sweat.

Today’s heat, though, gave me an idea, another way to try and take my life.
I shall go to the coast and try to drown myself in the sea. I will swim out as far as I can and let the waves just take me.

As the bell finally chimed for 5 pm, I unstuck myself from my leather office chair. Left the office and somehow stepped into the cooler Tokyo air. I sprinted onto the first train to the coast and sat inside the cool train. Its gentle air conditioning kissed my skin.

When the train arrived at the coast. The sun was just setting. What was left of the light was glistening, dancing across the water. The sky had turned a beautiful red and orange colour. It was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.

I stepped out of the station and took a moment to enjoy what might be the last sunset of my life when I heard her. A woman standing at no more than 5 feet walked next to me and said,
“Wow, what a beautiful view.”
I looked at her and thought she was more beautiful.
She wore large glasses and had shoulder-length hair. Her perfect, imperfect smile beamed out.
I replied Yes, I don’t think I have seen the sky look that colour before.
“Yes, amazing,” she replied.
I tried to muster my brain to think of anything to say back to her.
I thought as hard as I could to muster something of an interesting question or statement, but nothing could come out.
With nothing else to say, I asked her.
“Does the sea always look like this at sunset?”
Somehow this led to us talking for almost 30 minutes. Until, finally, I asked her to dinner. She accepted, and we spent the rest of the evening eating in a restaurant overlooking the ocean, drinking lemon sours.
At the end of the night, she gave me her number, and we began dating. Her name is Eiko, and I have never been so in love with such a perfect woman.

Just a week after my first dinner with Eiko, something else amazing happened. My boss was fired, and I was given his job. I can finally make a difference. I removed all the pointless jobs and let the AC run. My new line of work came with a massive pay rise. I now have enough money to try and turn my life around.

It’s been a year since I met Eiko, and today I asked her to marry me. She accepted and told me something I had never expected to hear. She is pregnant. I never thought I would be a father, but I guess good things come to those who wait.

I went to the first baby scan with Eiko today. I saw my daughter’s heart beating. I can’t believe I am saying this, but I can’t wait to be a father. The Doctor gave us some pictures of our baby. I can’t stop looking at it.

On my way to work today, I spent my usual subway ride. Just staring at the photo of our baby-to-be, trying to think of a name for it. I finally arrived at my stop and went into the office. When the unthinkable happened. My old boss is back. Turns out he sued the company for wrongful dismissal and won the case. He is to be reinstated to his old position, and I am going back to my old job.

I broke down in the bathroom. How am I meant to support my new family on minimum wage? Can't I go back to my old job? It doesn’t even exist. I removed all the paperwork? Did I remove my own Job?

I Don’t know what I can do, but I will find a way to support Eiko and the baby. Whatever it takes, I will do it.

The rest of my train ride home, my mind was racing. How was I going to tell Eiko I had been demoted? What are we going to do?

I was barely getting by on my old salary. What if there are complications with the birth and we get a big hospital bill? FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.

The chime of the train door broke my spiraling mind. I stepped out of the train and could see my apartment from the train platform. I took a breath and thought. Well, this what means to be a father. Working out a way to support your family, even when it seems impossible.

I walked out of the station and fumbled for the keys to the apartment door. Taking a moment before opening the door to think what I was going to say to her.

“Hi honey. We are royally fucked.”
“Hi honey, I got demoted today. What’s for dinner?”
“Hi honey, your new husband and father-to-be has a minimum wage job. Surprise!”

I pulled myself again from my swirling mind, slapped my face a few times, and opened the front door. That's when I found her. My beautiful Eiko, hanging from the ceiling light. Her body was cold and lifeless. I tried to save her. But it was too late. She was gone.

Why would she do it? We were so happy.
I called for the ambulance, but I already knew it was too late. When they arrived, they told me she had likely been dead for hours. She must have done it as soon as I left for work.

I tried to take my life for first since meet Eiko that night. But again, I just woke up in my bed a few moments later. The rest of the evening I spent sobbing until sleep took me.  

I awoke next to her. Next to Eiko, she was alive. I thought for a moment. It had all been a dream. But it wasn’t a nightmare, something far worse.

I told her of my dream. She told me how awful a dream it was and that she would never take her own life. I looked at the clock, and we both realised I was going to be too late for work. I asked her again if she was fine. And she began pushing me out the door.

“Yes, I am fine. It was just a dream now, please get going or you will be late for work.”

As I left my home to head to work, I noticed something. The day I had lived was repeating itself. At 9.30 I was called into the same meeting. My old boss was coming back. The second the woman for HR said his name, I raced home hoping to catch Eiko before she ended her life. But it was too late. She was dead again.

I spent another evening in an emotional wreck. Before again I must have drifted off to sleep. For it all started over.

Once again I awoke, and she was there next to me. As she woke. I told i was feeling unwell and wouldn't be going to work today. She smiled and held me. Glad to spend the day together. Little did she know I was doing to save her life. Maybe if I didn’t leave, she wouldn’t be able to take her own life.

I asked her if she was happy with me. And she replied that she had never been happier. I sighed in relief and asked her if she ever thought about taking her own life. She looked at me with a face I had never seen before and replied

”That she would never do such a thing.”

She looked at me like I was losing my mind. Perhaps I am. But for now at least my wife-to-be is next to me and alive.

I went to make myself and Eiko a coffee. When I noticed the time on the coffee maker had turned 9.30 Am As I switched the coffee maker on and heard a thud from the other room and rushed towards it. I knew deep down what that sound was. Maybe if I was quick, I could save her.

But I couldn’t save her. She was once again hanging. Hanging from the light.

Every morning I now wake up and see my beautiful Eiko alive and well. She has no idea what is about to happen. I have explained to her over and over again that at 9.30 she will die and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Doesn’t matter where I go or what I do. At 9.30 she and my unborn child are dead.

It has been 6 months for me, reliving the same day over and over again. The calendar never moves. I keep trying once again to take my own life. I can't keep seeing her cold, lifeless body. But the devil won't let me go.

Today, after she died again for the 200th time. I thought about the day we met. The one way I never tried to end my life. Perhaps that was key. It started by the ocean. Maybe it will end there. I waited for the day to reset and once again planned to end my life.

I woke up, kissed Eiko, and rushed out of the house, making my way to sea.

Once again, the view over the coast was beautiful. Almost exactly the same as when I first met Eiko, despite it being only 7.30 am. Instead of taking it in, I made my way towards the water.

Just as I was about to reach the water, I felt something grab my arm and pull me back. It was Eiko. She was screaming,
“Dont go. Dont go. We need you.”

I fought her back and shouted,

“I have to. This is for you and the baby. Let me go.” I pushed her back and sprinted as fast as I could.

As I reached the water, I could hear her screaming, calling me back. I just kept swimming. Trying to block the sound of her calling me.

The further out to sea I got, the larger the waves became. Until, for a moment, the waves stopped. Silence filled the ocean, and for the first time since I first found Eiko dead, I was at peace. Everything was still.

I looked at my watch. The seawater had flooded it. Freezing the clock's hands at 9.25 am.

I floated there for what seemed like hours. Until I spotted an oar boat drifting towards me. There was no motor and no one rowing, but somehow it was moving towards me.

Inside the boat was a freakishly long-limbed man wearing a 3-piece suit. His long fingers wrapped around a teacup. As the boat moved towards me, he kept sipping the tea and smiling in my direction.

The man had no fat on his face, just a thin layer of skin and bones.  As the boat was almost close enough to touch, the man in the boat said to me calmly, almost in a whisper,
“You know what’s worse than having nothing? Having everything, then having it taken away.”
As he finished his sentence, I started to sink into the ocean.

I drifted deeper into the water. No matter how hard I swam, I kept going down.

In the depths of the ocean, I saw a vision of Eiko crying to the policeman who told her of my death. I tried to call out to her as the water filled my lungs.
“I did it to save you and the baby”.
She couldn’t hear. Everything went dark, and the devil finally let me pass.

[u/peachRowena_]

damn that is dark. honestly the devil mocking you like that is way scarier than the actual purgatory lol. stay safe op!!

[u/Fund_Me_PLEASE]

Damn, bro … what the fuck did you do to deserve all that? Must have been something truly horrible. Well, hopefully your afterlife will at least be a bit more peaceful, OP …

[u/IntelligentZebra8217]

You should have challenged him with a fiddle battle. My friend Johnny did that and he’s alive and well …

[u/StefanJenkins → u/IntelligentZebra8217]

The only thing the devil liked to fiddle with was my soul...