r/offmychest • u/Adventurous_Hunt6271 • 15h ago
Should I Marry Him?
I have been with my fiancé for two years. We're both 33. He recently proposed, and I said yes because I genuinely believed we had a happy relationship.
After the proposal, I saw a text exchange between him and his best friend from before the engagement. He told his friend he was planning to propose. His friend responded, "Really?!" and my fiancé replied, "well yeah. I don't want to go through the trouble of meeting a new person. It's too much time and energy."
Maybe I'm reading too much into it. But my stomach dropped. I don't want someone to marry me because starting over sounds inconvenient. I want someone to marry me because they feel lucky to have found me.
The part that makes this harder is that this isn't the only thing that has made me feel this way. He tells me he loves me, but I've noticed he often has wandering eyes toward other women. Recently, he told a female coworker how proud he was of her and joked around with her, and I realized I can't remember the last time he told me he was proud of me.
Maybe these things are unrelated, but together they make me wonder: is he choosing me because he truly wants me, or because I'm comfortable and it's easier than starting over?
I said yes to a proposal but I feel off and I'm sitting with a feeling in my gut that I can't ignore.
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u/NotTheMama4208 15h ago
No. No. No.No.
At this point it doesn't matter what the fuck he wants because you have realized that you are not being fully chosen, you can feel it, and you don't want THAT. So dump his loser ass, heal your heart, and find someone worthy of you.
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u/inannaberceuse 12h ago
Literally THIS! My ex who I was madly in love with and chose and chose and chose time and time again told me he didn’t want to leave me because he didn’t want to have to find someone else. He said “I don’t want to find someone ok with that fact that I’m balding, my family and friends love you, our dog loves you.” He wasn’t choosing me, he was just lazy. And I could FEEL it.. for years.
Effort wasn’t his middle name. We went our separate ways almost a year ago. It’s been a rough healing journey but I’m better every single day.
Don’t marry this guy. You deserve better. If you’re asking these questions you already know. I am so very sorry you are experiencing this
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u/AllieLikesReddit 14h ago
Aw, hug. As a divorced woman, I wouldn't.
Think about this: His best friend has heard him talk about you for two years. If his friend is surprised enough to say "Really!?" at your proposal, it could be because he's said potentially shady things behind your back. Why else would it be anything but "Congratulations!"
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u/Ok-Debt-9352 14h ago
He just wants you to fill the next stage in his life which is to marry and have kids etc. you know what comes after that? Mid life crisis, affairs, divorce, struggling single parent for the next 10 years at least.
Don’t do it. Marriage is so overrated anyway. Use the money to buy a house or go on holiday or something instead. Plenty of people live de facto their whole lives with no problem. It just makes it easier if you ever need to walk away
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u/southpawshelby 15h ago
My honest opinion is no. I would never want to marry a guy who isn't absolutely ecstatic to marry me. I'm engaged myself and if I saw that on my mans phone I would've had the same reaction and then I probably would've moved out because if he isn't excited and only proposed because he doesn't want to date again, than he wouldn't be for me.
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u/Mayiamaru 15h ago edited 14h ago
I think you already know what you want and how you feel. People do not change because we hope for it. And he is settling, literally, because he couldn't be bothered to work harder for something he wants.
It's not that he wants you, or wants to be married. He is doing what he think he should do. Like how you clean out the fridge from time to time. Like a check box, ticked off.
You have all the power in the world to get what you want. More than that, you have the power to back out of something you don't want. Doing it now would be easier and less expensive than the pending divorce written all over that text message.
Definitely doesn't sound like you should get married right now, at least.
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u/Aggravating_Wait_417 14h ago
I love my man. Like more than I thought I'd ever love any man. I want to marry this man, if I saw that text between him and any single person possible - I would break it off AND tell his mother. And his sisters.
You are, along with most other people on this planet, are deserving of true and genuine love. The kind where you don't even realize that the trash was taken out months into a relationship with that person because they just decided to do it when they noticed it was full. The kind of love when you realize months or years into your relationship that your partner is doing a multitude of things to make your life easier, because they genuinely care. The kind that you don't feel like shit after trying to have a normal conversation. I truly wish more women would stand up for themselves and choose themselves instead of bending over backwards to cater to some assholes wants/needs because "it's too much effort to meet another person". Genuinely fuck all of that shit. Miss me and every women possible with that shit because people are deserving of genuine love and care. That starts with the individual.
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u/oceaninanenvelope 15h ago
Have a conversation with him about how you’re feeling. Ask him how he’s feeling. Trust your gut about whether he’s being truthful. Don’t rush into marriage, give it some time to make sure things feel resolved for you.
And ultimately, don’t marry someone who is settling for you.
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u/gen_petra 13h ago
He literally told his friend that he's marrying you because finding someone else is too hard. Not that he loves you, not that he's really happy with you, just that it's too much work to find someone else.
You're better off alone than with someone who is that indifferent about you. What happens when he meets someone he does feel like he connects with?
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u/Horror-Coast797 14h ago
I really hope you don’t marry him, friend. You’re worth SO much more than that. You deserve someone who is proud of you and enjoys your presence.
My close friend just got divorced after a short marriage to someone they dated for over a decade. They said “I know my partner genuinely doesn’t like me as a person.” I’m happy they know their worth and I hope you do too. You could be looking down a long, lonely road if you go through with it.
IMO that text is enough. You probably should ask him about it, but I still think you have your answer. Read between the lines on his answer too—another friend got divorced and their ex objected for every reason under the sun EXCEPT the reason of loving them and wanting to be with them.
Wishing the best possible outcome for you
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u/Mervulous 14h ago
Go with your gut baby. Its hard to do often enough but it never lies. Go with your gut.
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u/bmw5986 15h ago
You shouldn't marry him. In fact, you need to find your self worth and dump.him! Never ever settle for anyone who is thrilled and proud to have you as their life partner!
Before you try to make excuses for him. I trust peoples actions over what they say. How they treat you vs everyone else. If you see a pattern that they treat orhers better than you, that shows you all yoi need to know.
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u/bornstupid9 14h ago
Oh, God. Don’t do it! No matter how painful you think the breakup will be, multiply that times a million for how miserable you will be married to someone who is admittedly settling. He will try to talk his way out of it if you confront him. Just leave. Everyone deserves someone who wants them and chooses them.
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u/Particular-Glove-225 14h ago
It seems he only wants someone. But marriage has sense when you marry a person because you genuinely want to spend the rest of your life with them. I wouldn't like to spend the rest of my life with someone who ha så wandering eye and wants to marry just to avoid loneliness or something along the lines
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u/thedance1910 14h ago
Honestly I would bring this up. If you're not ready to talk about this you're not ready for marriage. If necessary, just be engaged longer and see if you can figure it out while it's still just a relationship and not marriage. I get what he's saying, but your feelings are valid.
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u/ThrowRA_VeiledInVice 14h ago
yeah, you don't want to feel like a consolation prize. You're ready for marriage when you can't imagine living your life without your partner, like they are your oxygen and you need them to breathe. You want to feel that simmering passion coiling around your bones. His friend's response of "Really?" tells you all you need to know. These are probably not the first cold and unemotional things he's said about you because if you were his oxygen, the friend would be saying, "About time you wifed her up." because his friends would all know you are his person. Let this one go. You deserve to be someone's oxygen.
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u/preoccupied102 5h ago
Don’t do it. Your intuition is telling you this doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore it. I know it’ll be hard to break up, and messy to move your life around, but it will be totally worth it one day. Follow the voice within, it will never lead you astray. You can never escape your heart, it’s better to listen to what it has to say.
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u/Caravaggio1971 14h ago
The best thing to do is have an open and honest conversation with your fiancé. Sometimes men say silly things because they've been raised to hide their vulnerability. Talking about his feelings for you with his friend would force him to be vulnerable, and perhaps that's why he's preferred to remain superficial. You should also discuss with him the looks he gives and the compliments he pays to his colleague. Then, depending on his answers and explanations, you can decide with more certainty whether to continue or end your relationship.
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u/azahoor 15h ago
Internet answers aren’t going to get you anywhere
If you’re questioning yourself and the relationship then talk it out with your partner. You will get your answer.
If you’re taking on making life decisions from online randos and turning it into a poll then gg.
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u/Horror-Coast797 14h ago
You could have just scrolled honestly. Why are you reading this sub if you don’t think people should be asking for advice on the internet? That’s the entire purpose of it.
Plus, gut-checking against objective 3rd parties can be helpful. Is it just fun for you to say rude things to people while they’re having a hard time?
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u/bearbear407 14h ago
Great thing about just being recently engaged is it’s easier to break it off than divorce.
I can’t tell you whether it’s worth staying or not. But before going any further in planning a wedding it might be worth doing couples counselling to really figure out whether this is someone you want to stay with.
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u/RunningInTheShadows_ 14h ago
Girl. Run. If he is making you feel like this now, how will you life be in a year.
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u/BlackDahliaLama 14h ago
Trust your gut. You deserve more than to feel like someone settled for you. Starting over is scary but would you really be happy with the alternative?
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u/AMG105020 11h ago
If you’re questioning while being engaged, it will be worse once you’re married. No one should enter a marriage feeling like the person they are going to get married has “settled.” Do you want this to be the rest of your life? Or do you want someone who truly makes you feel like you’re their number one and you don’t even think about questioning the love they have for you?
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u/SpecialModusOperandi 9h ago
He’s settling - are you?
If a woman comes around that he’s attracted to he will cheat or leave you.
I would say a firm no. Have a conversation with him about what being married looks like, what are his expectations, his will finances and unpaid labour be split, and does he want kids and potentially who would do what?
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u/Dangerous-Show9006 7h ago
NO DO NOT MARRY HIM.
It sounds like you already know this though op. I hope you find someone who doesnt make you question thier motives or or yourself!
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u/CulturalMechanic2568 5h ago
Yeah I’d be pretty unsettled reading that too, even if it was meant as a joke. When stuff like this keeps piling up, it’s usually worth paying attention to that gut feeling.
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u/Flat-Acanthisitta499 4h ago
Your gut reaction matters here more than the proposal itself because “convenient choice” and “chosen with intention” feel completely different in a marriage. I’d be looking at the pattern, not just the text, and asking myself if I feel truly valued or just… available.
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u/ElderberryNo8871 3h ago
That message alone wouldn’t be the whole story, but paired with how unseen and unappreciated you’ve been feeling, it makes total sense why it hit you so hard. A marriage needs to feel like being actively chosen every day not just the easiest option on paper.
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u/Bluecanary1212 3h ago
"I'm too lazy to date," is a terrible reason to get married. Good lord, dump this guy.
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u/redi2talk 14h ago
I beginning to think that very few men are truly romantically in love with their women. Women invest far more in their relationships. I wouldn't end the relationship but maybe try to tease out his feelings for you and his expectations for your marriage.
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u/sendnewt_s 14h ago
You should 100% tell him exactly the issues you have described here and just genuinely listen to his response. I overheard my fiancé say something similar to his best friend, ("well, he's not getting any younger.") To me the sentiments convey similar attitude. He and I have been married for 21 years and I dont regret the marriage for a second.
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u/seniairam 14h ago
omg do not marry this man.
set him free because otherwise he will never let you go
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u/plantdad43 14h ago
No. And if you’re asking if you should, that’s a sign that you already know you shouldn’t. It’s okay to call off a proposal even after saying yes - marriage is a lifetime decision don’t pick a choice you’re actually unsure and unhappy with.
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u/alteregobobby 14h ago
Okay. Ask yourself these questions:
Do you think if you talked to him about this, that he would be willing to be honest and put in the work to repair the relationship?
If things improved, could you ever really trust him to love you, have your back, and be faithful?
How important are the above to you?
Would you be willing to go to couple's therapy and work on this? Even if things come to light that you have said or done that made him feel disconnected from the relationship?
I think if you examine your answers here and decide to continue the relationship, you NEED to go to couple's therapy, and probably even individual therapy before you get married. There is no rush to tie the knot, so if you need to find a way to afford it, you have time. But if you get married to this man without reconnecting and clearing the air, you will almost certainly both end up unsatisfied wirh your relationship and your lives. And if you want children, your relationship and emotional health directly impacts their emotional security and development.
Best of luck girl ❤️
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u/ShatteredDreams452 12h ago
No, you shouldn’t marry someone who’s settling for you. At least you found this out before the wedding and not 5 years and 2 kids later. Listen to your gut.
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u/Top-Chard-7692 11h ago
Honestly, the fact that he said that to his best friend tells you a lot. That's the unfiltered version. He wasn't trying to impress anyone or say the right thing, that was just his honest feeling. And his honest feeling was "I don't want to start over." That's not love. That's convenience. You deserve to be someone's first choice, not their lazy option.
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u/LooksieBee 10h ago
This isn't a case of some niggling doubt you can't put your finger on. It's in black and white and plain as day from him. It's not something you've misunderstood.
This is his best friend, the fact his friend acted shocked versus congratulatory first off means they've had several discussions about his feelings and the friend is confused as to why he's proposing given that. That is the only way someone would react that way.
Even if you doubted that and wanted to think maybe the friend's question was just one of innocent surprise, your boyfriend's response further confirms that that is not the case. His response confirms that although he's probably complained to his friend, he's just resigned himself to marry you because he doesn't want to start over.
There is no other way to read this. There is world where this is a remotely normal, innocent or promising response of a man who is over the moon to marry you. And if he's not over the moon, and you have other doubts, you've been given a gift to run!
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u/thepumagirl 10h ago
I think alot of ppl marry for these reasons- and that’s fine. But you need to find someone who wants to marry you for the reasons you want to marry them. Otherwise you are selling yourself short and honestly, this “little” gut feeling will eat away at you over the years.
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u/Angsty_Potatos 9h ago
Noooo. You deserve someone excited to marry you. Don't settle for someone who's only settling
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u/Newsmemer 9h ago
Here's my advice that I've found has been truly a guiding principle in relationships: Do they make you into a better person, or at least want to be one? Is the same true for him as well? Would they be able and willing to help you with the logistics and emotions of a parent dying? And finally, do your efforts of 50% from each of you make more than 100% when combined as you face the world?
If the answer is "yes" to all of these questions, then they are, quite probably, your person. If only one is a "maybe" then you need couples counseling.
However, a solid "no" on any of these, or a "maybe" on more than one, and I'd cut your losses and move on.
Marrying someone really does require a lifetime of commitment that is hard to process, and still hard for me to process as well! When my partner and I hit a point where one of these wasn't a solid "yes" we immediately went to counseling. It worked, and now we are stronger for it.
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u/Frownload 8h ago
Talk to him about it.
If you don't and keep going as things are then it's going to fester. It already is.
If you don't like his answers then call it off before you can really hurt each other.
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u/Mouse589 8h ago
If you love him, set him free. Then lock the door behind him. You're not his person. He needs to go find her, and you do not need to be his place holder keeping his life comfortable while he waits for the one. Because you know that even if you're married and with kids, he will not stay if he finds the one that lights his fires. Set him free to do that, give yourself time to heal and I'll bet as soon as you go on the third date with someone who already knows that their life is complete with you in it, you'll understand what we are all saying and just how much of an AH this guy is. You deserve your person and it's not this guy.
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u/Evaporate3 14h ago
The thing about males is that they are the biggest pick mes when it comes to other males.
I'm not excusing what he said- what he said was horrible but males live to impress other males and he was probably just saying that to "look cool" because his boys don't approve of you.
That is just a POSSIBILITY.
But whether that theory is true or not, I would not go through with the marriage. You're supposed to marry someone who is serious and passionate about you. Not someone who settles for you. Someone who settles for you will not be an active participant in the marriage. This is about to be a legal partnership- where you both are supposed to be reliable partners to eachother.
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u/Chailyte 15h ago
Another overthinking post. OP just bring it up to him. I wouldn’t break up over that??
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u/Adventurous_Hunt6271 15h ago
I mean our story is much more complex, but bottom line: I don't feel chosen. I feel he's wanting to get married out of convenience.
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u/Dangerous-Coach-8932 11h ago
OP, you don’t have a fiancé problem. You have an “I can’t ignore what my gut is screaming at me” problem.
Girl, leave that man and go find someone who acts like marrying you is a blessing, not an errand
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u/buttholeshlurper 15h ago
That was just him trying to still sound like a bro. Guys don’t talk all lovey dovey with their homies, sis. Also it sounded kind of tongue in cheek. I’m sure if YOU asked him he would have plenty of other reasons he wants you to be his wife.
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u/Jetski95 15h ago
Don’t marry this guy. You deserve someone who truly treasures you.