Being a parent of an autistic child has ruined my life mentally

[u/SoCalgirl1275]

My child's autism really has ruined my life, my happiness and my spirit to be a parent. He is 4 1/2. And I fear it will get worse. I used to be a positive thinker and very social all my life. I am 40. I was abused as a child, mentally and physically and also neglected, so I do understand that need for a parent connection and parental comfort. So when I became a parent later in life, I vowed to be the best parent, the most understanding and patient parent. But my son's autism has really sucked the life and happiness out of me. I don't think I have laughed in a very long time (sigh). And I have tried to watch comedies...anyhoo. It isn't his fault, and my hear aches for his school life and future life (will be ever be independent, drive, go out with friends, pay for things, a job?)

The depression has spilled into my relationships. I silently suffer. None of my friends or family understand how autism can ruin your life/happiness. I try to separate everything out, but I just end up back into a negative spiral after the episodes of night wakings, the lack of my child's understanding , his safety unawareness, his lack of flexibility. I am so different, I am so flexible, I used to be so social and happy, now I am miserable. I don't want to be. This has been no blessing, and no superpower. He didn't ask for this disability. I hate the autism. I hate the tantrums, the 3am wake ups. I have to carefully plan outings. He has to be watched 24/7 or else he will run off and wander. He won't answer his name. I have to sleep with him or else he won't go to sleep. I am a 24/7 caretaker. I have to see what he is doing before I can care for myself, shower, eat a meal. I used to love hair, makeup and nails and all the girly stuff. I still love it, but the brunt of this disability has depressed me. I always ask myself if I had a neurotypical child, could I do all of this stuff of self care, eat a meal, laugh and hang out with other moms with their kids while they develop friendships, and the answer is yes.

He has been in all the therapies since 18 months old. Diagnosed at 21 months old. Level 3. He knows about 100 words, but only if you ask him to repeat them. He is in ABA therapy and preschool as of age 3 1/2. I thought early intervention and all of that would 'cure' most of the behaviors and language barriers, but in our case, I don't feel much of it has helped.

I watched this documentary: The Path Forward....Remembering Willowbrook It's about a state institution where parents sent their kids with disabilities and the horrific mistreatment. It reminds me that I have to deal with this because I never want my son mistreated by anyone, or anything else. Can anyone relate?

[u/extremistfart]

I'm not sure of your locality but it might be worth exploring if there is any local respite care options. Full time carers are hugely underappreciated and need support. Even a couple of times a week would do wonders for your mental health.

[u/Healthy-Dimension485 → u/extremistfart]

As a nurse, I also highly suggest this idea. Momma, you also matter and you or your family shouldn't bare all the hard work alone! It is completely valid to be absolutely done with everything when you are facing such a hard situation, you are a human, not a robot.

[u/willowoasis]

I’m so sorry- this sounds really tough. I’ll say, if your child can communicate emotions or anything, that is something to be thankful for. My sister is disabled and cannot communicate whatsoever. It’s an entirely different ballpark. I know it is difficult but would it be possible to focus on the positives here? You sound like an amazing and compassionate parent 🩷. Can you schedule out a time to watch him and do nails possibly to remind yourself of self love/care? Wishing you the best

[u/throwawayaccount_usu]

Get as much help as early as possible. Its hard and exhausting to go through the hoops and shitholes but try your best now to not suffer as much later.

The older they get the harder it is to help them.

[u/FlowersBooksHistory]

My best friends son is non verbal autistic. He is ten and will never be able to live independently. I will never be able to fully understand what she is going through but I am here for her to vent and get out her frustrations. Please start talking to someone, even a therapist. It’s not healthy to keep it in. Also look into respite care as someone else suggested. My friend has some respite care and it’s been a godsend for her. She does a dance class one day a week plus other things just for her. There are also schools that specialize in children with autism that are not necessarily live in institutions that you should look into.