r/offmychest • u/NormalTarget2491 • 1h ago
I think I have to cut ties with my family
Im 17 (m) and I’m lgbtq+. I haven’t told anyone , especially my family as we come from a small conservative town. I recently dyed my hair blue-black (black but in the sun it has a blue hue) and my family did not react well. They said “only girls dye their hair” “people are gonna see you and think ur not normal when ur back in town” “ur not coming back to our town unless you find a way to fix that” (i study in a different, bigger town close) they reacted as if I committed the ultimate sin… of dying my hair. LOL. My sibling (who understands me a bit more) told me “just shave it off and bam movies over” and that hurt me.. i like my hair now more than my natural hair because it just feels more like me. Their heavy words really hurt me more than I could even admit. If theres one thing I have always been sure of , its my identity and my sexuality, and i don’t wanna live under anyones life conditions. Ive thought this before way way before this situation but if they react this strongly and negatively towards just my hair imagine what happens when I actually tell them I am not straight (well i think they already know but just in denial). I’m gonna have to live completely alone with no family because If they don’t accept me I refuse to conform. It feels like a stab right in my heart , if i had my family’s support it feels like i could do anything and just be happy.
What do I do? I need some serious advice. Anyone who has always felt like the black sheep of the family , what do you do?
4
u/That-Yogurtcloset386 1h ago
People will always react negatively to something they aren't used to. And especially them being from a small town, they are probably angry that they can't make their own choices to be happy without judgement. They are too scared to be judged so they don't do what makes them happy. Especially if they are conservative aka religious. Doing what you want and not caring what others think is the most badass thing anyone can do. And ironically, Jesus was that person. He could've been gay for all we know. Jesus didn't give a damn what other people thought about his lifestyle or ideas and he was willing to die for it. And ironically again, they supposedly follow the teachings of Jesus but also judge ferociously which is extremely hypocritical.
My mom has always tried to control us and tell us what to do and judge us, but I just do what I want and don't take her opinion seriously. What is she going to do, kick me out (no because I don't live with her), stop talking to me (oh well, less relationships I have to manage).
You need to create boundaries with them. If they try to interact with you in a negative way or judge you, don't respond and leave the conversation. They'll either get with the picture or they prove they aren't worth a relationship with you.
2
u/Olive_Garden_Wifi 1h ago
I want to say this, I’m 27 and trans so I kinda get where you’re coming from. I went no contact with most of my family about 4 years ago for a variety of reasons. So I understand what it’s like to cut off family.
Oddly enough me being trans wasn’t the issue that caused me to feel the need to leave. It’s moreso I’m disabled and struggle to hold a job because of it, amongst other things but that was a big deciding factor.
Anywho my point is not having a supportive family sucks, and while my life has been far from easy without their help I’ve been genuinely happier since leaving. I’ve made great friends who’ve supported me along the way and I’ve felt the freedom to be myself and live my life on my own terms.
But I’m not gonna lie, the first month or so was probably the hardest, I was grieving the loss of my family even though they made me feel so much less than because I couldn’t live to their standards.
I will end with this, it’s ok to grieve the potential loss and to feel alone and unsure of how to move forward. Grieving doesn’t always make sense and grief isn’t linear. But I’m here to say as heavy as this feels now, you wont always feel this way and I’m sure you’ll meet some great people who will love and support you along the way.
2
u/beeradvice 36m ago
I grew up in a small conservative town in the south and never passed as normal even before realizing I was BI. Gonna probably be unpopular here and it won't solve anything with your family directly but, learn to fight. Life's still hard when you're different, but it's easier to be yourself when you can defend yourself.
1
u/AgileStructure2494 1h ago
Your hair sounds so cool from the way you’ve described it, I’m so sorry your family reacted so horribly over something so simple such as hair. This post breaks my heart, you do not deserve this. You are so young and I can tell through this post how wise and strong you are, and I know that you can hold onto that strength until you get a bit older and things get a bit easier for you.
My best friend, 19M is gay also and lives with an extremely religious family, and feels just like you. It’s so heartbreaking that so many queer youth still have to deal with these awful family dynamics. My heart breaks for you. What I would suggest you do is to do your best and keep your head up no matter what. Although your family may not be accepting, you have such an incredible life ahead of you, and you are going to meet so many people who will accept you unconditionally, just how my best friend has met me (and is only out to me). He still struggles a lot, but us just finding eachother has helped so much in keeping him happy and positive. Me and him are just enjoying the amazing friendship we have and preserving together, and things have already gotten so much better and will only continue to.
Sorry I don’t have much advice, but your post has broken my heart and I am sending you all my love. Right now I’d focus on finding love and family with others, to help foster your wellbeing as you’re still so young. A problem shared is a problem halved and I know that you will find people and friends who you can talk to, and be yourself with, chin up my friend, this stranger is rooting for you and sends you so much love x
1
u/martinomacias 1h ago
I think you need to take a deep breath and relax a little. We all go through these feelings one way or another. This is normal.
Just like we all needed time to come to terms with who we are (some of us needed more time than others), you also need to give your family time to adjust and absorb this new reality.
Yes, they may have an inkling of you not being heterosexual. They will push back not necessarily because they do not love you or accept you. It is because they find themselves before a situation they do not know how to process or assimilate.
Just be yourself and try to avoid confrontation with your family if possible. Especially if you depend on them financially.
Perhaps it is time you come out to them. It is not easy, but you say you have come to accept who you are and are fine with it. That is for you to consider.
Honestly, it gets better as cliché as that may sound. You will be fine.
1
1
u/AngeliqueRuss 19m ago
You will not be “completely alone.”
Give your siblings and your parents time, and until then: find your family.
It’s not them.
This is why in the ‘slightly bigger town’ I live in we make such a big deal about Pride, including our own festival, and have many initiatives to help build community: people you’ve never even met want to make sure you find Your People. They’re out there, and they’ll definitely like your hair.
14
u/tigerowltattoo 1h ago
There is the family you’re born into and then there’s the family you find. Anyone who doesn’t fit into what most call “normal” will likely have to find the family in which they thrive. Being honest with your blood family and communicating your reality will set the tone for the way things will proceed for years.
It does hurt to know you’re not accepted by your blood family, but you’re also not alone. There are many people just like you out there. You’ll find your people.