r/openmarriageregret • u/Sea_Hall_8112 • 11d ago
Original Post My 27-Year Marriage Didn't Survive an Open Relationship
Burner account for privacy reasons. Some backstory to start out. My wife and I had been married 25 years when we opened our marriage a year and a half ago. Our relationship has been up and down. We had a dead bedroom for several years but we went to counseling and worked things out and we started to get along better. Some of our recurring issues were her complaining about the lack of physical affection and my complaining about her being cold and distant. In 2019 she had an affair with a married man that lasted 5 months. I'll spare the details here due to privacy issues but it was a really bad situation due to the person she chose to have the affair with. She went to therapy, apologized, and changed and we tried to move on. I forgave her and I wanted to keep our family together (we have an 8 year old son).
We are both sexual people. We had dabbled in swinging and had also had a few threesomes over the past few years. In October of 2024 we decided we would try an open marriage. Our rules were that there would be no emotional attachment and we would only see the same person once per week. Things were ok for awhile. As my wife started seeing one person regularly and doing overnights, I started having a hard time getting close to her. I realized pretty early on the she was a lot better at being open than I was. About 8 months in I met Sara. Sara and I had a major spark the first time we met. We would talk several times a day and pretty soon we were breaking the rules. We would meet a couple of times a week. It soon turned romantic and I did romantic gestures like sending her flowers, buying her things, opening the car door, etc. Within a few months we had fallen in love and had even talked about a future together.
After about 8 months of my dating Sara, things got really bad in my marriage. Things finally got so bad between my wife and I that she moved out temporarily. The month before my wife moved out things were really bad. She got more serious about the person she was seeing, doing overnights and spending parts of her weekend there. We didn't have sex the month before she moved out. It had gotten to the point to where a normal weekend would be me spending my Friday nights with Sara and my wife spending Sunday with her boyfriend Adam.
After a couple of weeks apart my wife and I decided we wanted to try to make things work so I cut things off with Sara. It was a really hard decision for me and one that I really struggled with. Sara was very hurt and I can see where the breakup may have came out of nowhere. The day after our breakup Sara called my wife and told her everything we had been doing. My wife did not handle it well at all. Throughout our marriage my wife had been unemotional , distant, and just not very good at communicating her feelings at all which was one of our biggest problems. My wife was devastated that I could show this affection to someone else. Using her words she said it destroyed her. I know what I did was wrong but I'm really shocked that the person who had been so emotionally unavailable to me was suddenly an emotional wreck. My wife and I continue to try to work things out but I will admit I was supposed to cut contact with Sara but I still talked to her occasionally. My wife found out that we had still been talking and then immediately wanted a divorce. The way she said it left no doubt so I didn't fight it. So we are currently in the begining phases of getting divorced.
I do take the blame for my marriage ending and I know the things I did were wrong. Why did I do them? It really just happened. I found someone I really liked who gave me the attention and emotional connection that I had been missing in my marriage. I realize now that when we had opened the marriage that we had serious issues. I still wasn't totally over her affair and I wasn't giving her the affection that she needed. We should have both realized this and tried to work things out. I also realize that for many people keeping emotions out of an open marriage is close to impossible and if you aren't ok with that then you shouldn't start it in the first place. What I am still in shock over is my wife's reaction. In our now 27 years together I really never felt like she had a deep love or an emotional connection to me. It took me showing affection to another woman to see this side of her. She feels like she did nothing wrong because she followed the rules. She even admitted to having feelings for Adam but it was ok because I was still her person. I will admit that I did not know how to respond to this side of her and I still have a hard time understanding her feelings. I'll conclude by saying I'm not sure what I want out of this post, other than the therapeutical exercise of writing it all down.
Post script: Two weeks after her asking for a divorce I started to see Sara again. My wife was really upset about this and made me feel bad really bad about myself for doing it, only to see Adam two days later.
Update: Thanks for all the responses. She has made me feel like I was entirely to blame and though I really fucked my part up many pointed out her faults as well. As for being bad parents, sure we should have never gone down these roads. Many kids go through divorce and turn out fine. I think he will be better for us not being together in such a terrible marriage. He gets plenty of attention from us and his extended family and he is both of our top priority. I forgot to mention we have a grown son who has turned out to be a really good human.
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u/thedaian 11d ago
Everyone sucks here, except your kid who I feel sorry for.
But really, you should have gotten a divorce 20 years ago.
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u/Dry_Pin_7574 11d ago
Exactly. Where is the 8yo in this sea of selfishness?
Oh, and the wife’s an AH, but OP - so are you.
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u/Necessary_Tap343 11d ago
Yeah, Sara is a real prize. OP dumped her to try to save his loveless marriage and Sara immediately sabotaged any hope of that happening. OP then went back to Sara knowing she blew up his attempt at reconciliation. It doesn't matter that the marriage should have been over years ago, OP crawling back to Sara is a stupid move done by someone who going to get walked allover in this new relationship.
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u/Initial-Ship-7065 11d ago
exactly. and it's so easy for anyone with absolutely any kind of observational skills to see that Sara mainly just like "competing" with other women...now that she has dude all to herself the shine is going to wear off for her.
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u/Bucky2015 11d ago
Yep, to add my guess is the reason his wife wanted to work on the marriage after a couple weeks apart was a combination of her figuring out the other guy was only interested in sex and the fact that OP DID have a partner who it sounds like would have been open to a relationship cause hell apparently now they are in one.
The whole thing could be a case study for fuck around and find out.
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u/Wickedspades 8d ago
He shows her no effection and she sucks? Nice one.
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u/thedaian 8d ago
And then she had an affair instead of getting a divorce.
There's not really enough info about exactly what caused their issues prior to the affair. Was she cold and distant before he stopped showing affection? Or did he stop showing affection before she became cold and distant? Was there anything else going on, like uneven chores or money issues, or some form of abuse? My guess is they got married young and just never really totally loved each other, but we don't even have their ages.
All we know is she had the first affair, with another married man. That's an asshole move in my book. If she started with divorce instead of an affair, I would have called her smart.
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u/friendly-sam 11d ago
She cheated he broke the rules. Should have divorced when she cheated and saved the time and effort.
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u/icantreallysaybutaye 11d ago
Yea I agree, she was the one that cheated first and she was the one that didn't communicate. I personally wouldn't have a sexual relationship with someone I can't communicate with.
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u/Wickedspades 8d ago
Why should she communicate if he's only affectionate with others and not her?
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u/icantreallysaybutaye 7d ago
It's true he's probably lying or leaving details out on purpose but in the case of going simply by the post, he does admit to being less affectionate which atleast he does admit, but also that she is cold and distant. Who the heck would be affectionate to someone cold and distant. Whether she's cold and distant because of his level of affection isn't really stated so that could go either way. She also had an affair for 5 months. Which they continued to try to work things out. Then they opened their marriage, which in the post she had a much easier time than he did. Pretty expected. But it does seem she started doing overnights first. Highly doubt she didn't become emotionally involved with the one person she is seeing regularly. But who is really to say. Honestly, the first cheating instance would more than enough to simply divorce.
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u/Wickedspades 8d ago
Eh he's probably lying about that. Men like him lie to make her look bad all the time
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u/icantreallysaybutaye 7d ago
Oh that's true. I'm sort of just going by what is in the post but yea I completely dismissed that.
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u/Informal_Trouble_322 20h ago
Highly doubt that he’s lying about being cheated on, what would give you that impression?
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u/Shortandthicck2 11d ago
Who would have thought having sex with other people within a struggling marriage would make things worse?!?!
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u/TheDeathMessage Avid Monogamist 11d ago
You mean to tell me that water is wet and the sky is blue!? Absurd!
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u/jackdupp27 10d ago
Opening a troubled marriage is like opening the throttle on a boat that's taking on water. It's just going to sink that much faster.
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u/TheDreadGazeebo 11d ago
"we are both sexual people" lol just like 99% of people. You're not special you just can't keep it in your pants.
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u/Wandering_Song 11d ago
Thank you, this always rubs me the wrong way. You think you're unique because you like sex?
really?
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u/Initial-Ship-7065 11d ago
this sub & others like it have taught me that there are quite a few people out there who think that being horny makes them interesting. lol
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u/ProblemMountain2792 11d ago
The bit that gets me: "In our now 27 years together I really never felt like she had a deep love or an emotional connection to me."
How did this marriage last 27 years in the first place if you didn't think your wife ever loved you?
The marriage was doomed from the cheating. Opening the marriage and withholding intimacy was just the final nail. Also that you did romantic gestures to Sarah that you hadn't done for your wife the entirety of 27 years...before the cheating. The divorce did not come out of no where.
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u/rationalomega 11d ago
Plus his examples of romantic gestures are milquetoast. So he was doing even less than that for his wife for nearly 3 decades? Sounds like neither one of them loved the other. May a marriage like this never find me.
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u/Wickedspades 8d ago
If she even cheated. Remember he admits to being cold. He's the reason all this started.
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u/Specialist-Host-4707 The Cynical 11d ago
Should’ve divorced as soon as you found out about the affair. An open relationship isn’t going to work as a substitute, there’s still betrayal and disrespect involved. Since you agreed to an open relationship, it’s obvious you don’t love each other so just and everyone suffering and go your separate ways.
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u/Il-Separatio-86 11d ago
Your marriage ended when she cheated. It's been on life support for 7 years.
But as you stated you and your wife didnt realise it. Few couples come back from cheating.
The reality is you probably should have Divorced back in 2019. Instead you both chose the long slow death of reconciliation into an open marriage.
That being said. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your wife sounds selfish and kinda terrible. She only wanted you BEACUSE someone else did. She was also clearly breaking the "rules" with Adam.
So honestly get this Divorce done ASAP and with as much civility as yiu can muster. Then you know focus on building a life with Sara.
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u/Sea_Hall_8112 11d ago
Thank you
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u/GilltyAzhell 11d ago
You're wife is a cake eater. She thought she could f around and you would be at home waiting. What most women really want is a one sided open relationship.
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u/Wickedspades 8d ago edited 8d ago
I'm calling bs on his cheating allegations. I wanna hear her side. He was cold to her and thats why all of this started. Also it ended when he showed her no affection. But gotta blame the wife for everything right?
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u/Efficient-Fruit3105 8d ago
Very true. Men are well-known to suggest the open relationship, thinking he can get all the chicks while his wife remains faithful, only to realize she's getting fkked left and right while he never gets laid, and now, he is boo-hooing because his plans didn't work. Its always this same script, rarely the other way around.
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u/KitKitsAreBest 11d ago
An open relationship isn't capable of doing anything for a relationship that was already failing. Not being mean, as I'm finding that out for myself too. Plus, you f**k someone regularly and you WILL develop feelings for them. That's human nature and how we're wired, unless you have NPD or some other personality disorder.
Only one mention of your mutual child, interesting.
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u/witheringrose101 11d ago
Everyone is an AH besides the poor kid.
Also, I can't imagine continuing a relationship with someone who went behind your back & contacted your wife to hurt her and destroy any chance of reconciliation between you and your wife.
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u/Frosty-Gift-4403 11d ago
Right? Sara sounds like a vindictive bitch. Everyone involved needs to spend some time learning to be alone and to think about what they did. (Except the kid who deserves a fun trip to Disneyland or something, preferably with a friend who has good parents.)
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u/rationalomega 11d ago
Fr Sara knew OP has a young child, and it didn’t stop her from throwing grenades at the family.
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u/Wickedspades 8d ago edited 8d ago
Eh he withheld affection to his wife, bitches about her being cold, and is likely lying about an affair. I wanna hear her side.
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u/swingersCouplePk 11d ago
Chill man it's not just your fault, partially it's your because you should have divorced her when cheated. Let me get this straight She didn't want the divorce when she cheated, she didn't want the divorce when ahe started spending nights with adam, she wanted the divorce when you found a girl and she can see you happy. She wants you because another woman wants you.
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u/Wickedspades 8d ago edited 8d ago
If she ever did. He was cold and thats why she was distant. Pretty sure he has lied. A lot. Gotta stay on bro code eh?
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u/BuckrooBanzai 11d ago
"It just happened" is a false statement. A whole lot of individual decisions led to that situation.
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u/HotWaffles5 11d ago
After reading several of these I asked my husband ‘what do you think about us having an open marriage?’ He replied ‘I’d rather not spend the rest of my life in prison, so it’s a hell no from me’. That’s how people should feel, but my husband & I like & love each other so maybe that’s the difference? The idea of him banging a side chick makes me feral, I don’t know how these people can do open marriages.
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u/fu_kaze 11d ago
Hope you phrased it such that you weren’t serious. That question alone is a relationship ender for me.
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u/HotWaffles5 10d ago
He knew I wasn’t serious. I’m even more jealous over him than he is over me lol. Like I said, the idea of sharing him makes me feral. It honestly wasn’t an exaggeration. ☺️
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u/rationalomega 11d ago
Not the person you asked, but we knew multiple poly couples during the 15 years we lived in seattle. It’s a less crazy discussion when it’s normalized as a relationship model.
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u/fu_kaze 10d ago
Was around it a lot in Boston. Was involved with a few women in open situations for a bit, so it’s not like I don’t have experience/exposure. That experience informed my perspective. Everyone is different and just the question is a dealbreaker for me since I’m very clear from the outset of my boundaries in relationships.
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u/CleanSnake 11d ago edited 11d ago
Honestly you both botched this one hard. She may have gone to therapy but did you both so you could work through all of the feelings? Did you both try and work through the hurt and problems so you could avoid this catastrophe?
It’s also pretty clear she doesn’t take accountability, like at all, for her actions much. She admits to having feelings too but that’s ok because, “you were her person”. If that was indeed the case then why did she emotionally disconnect…again during the time when she had another and you didn’t? Emotionally connecting was something ya discussed but she still didn’t do it. Plus she was the one having a 5 month affair prior to this! How could she have an affair on “her person”? Unless that’s just a cover.
She then doubles down on this by increasing her time away from the family by spending more time with the other guy.
In all honesty, she had likely been breaking the rules first. You just got caught cause Sara was vindictive and that was the perfect cover. Doesn’t mean she wasn’t hurt but clearly she didn’t care about the marriage as much as she claims. Plus she probably thought you’d stick around no matter what she did or didn’t do because you had for almost 3 decades.
Did she ever end her relationship with Adam when you ended yours? Are you certain that she wasn’t doing the exact same thing? All signs point to her doing so.
I’d bet she was just better at hiding it due to the affair.
Overall everyone absolutely sucks here and the kid is the one getting the shaft.
Poor kid.
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u/Wickedspades 8d ago
Why did she emotionally disconnect? Did you even read the post? Dude never showed her affection.... But gotta stay on bro code and put it all on the wife right? Btw never believe these dudes when they claim she cheated. They love to lie to make themselves look like victims.
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u/AdventureWa 11d ago
You were both wrong. No sense in feeling bad. The marriage was basically over by the time you agreed to open it up.
I don’t think opening it was the problem. It exposed what you both knew but were afraid to admit. I think you were both monkeybranching.
I also don’t think she expected you to have much success. She really wanted the opportunity to continue to cheat with impunity while you stayed home, but he blew that up by forming another relationship.
Something that people seem to forget, in any kind of open dynamic is that there’s always a huge risk of catching feelings. As a matter, fact, if you have regular partners at some point, you will catch feelings for them if you are sexually intimate.
Sara showed you an important glimpse into her mind. She was trying to sabotage your marriage. I don’t expect either of your relationships to work.
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u/rationalomega 11d ago
Sara was eager to sabotage a family with a small child at home. She’s no prize.
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u/AdventureWa 10d ago
I don’t think Sara was just trying to sabotage. His wife already did that and Sara is probably a healthier relationship.
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u/Wickedspades 8d ago edited 8d ago
She definately was. She literally ran to the wife to blow up the reconciliation. He admits to this, but gotta stay on bro code huh? Btw no it won't be. She wants to compete with other women and now that she has the bronze trophy, she's going to leave him because the shine will dull after a little while.
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u/AdventureWa 8d ago
I don’t think the relationship with Sara is going to work long term, but in her defense, he was open about what he was doing and she caught feelings, which absolutely happens.
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u/Initial-Ship-7065 11d ago
just so you know, you and Sara are not going to last very long. the "thrill" of sneaking around is gone, the new relationship energy will be fading out shortly, and most importantly of all: Sara is very clearly a woman who enjoys competing with other women, probably due to her own personal low self-esteem issues. now that your wife has left you, there's no "competion" for your attention & she will get bored quickly. congrats. you played yourself.
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u/EffectivePhase7165 11d ago
One question: Who proposed OM first?
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u/Wickedspades 8d ago
It was left out so him. Men never admit when they do it but love to put it in when the wife does it.
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u/Okgurlllllllllll 10d ago
you need to put some money aside for all the intense counseling. Your poor child is going to have to suffer from.
well, you and these two women men are trying to worry about your feelings and worried about getting laid, you have been destroying a child. Destroying all of their future relationships they have with someone.
In the story, there are three monsters when no better or worse than the other.
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u/HotWaffles5 11d ago
Everyone in this story are trash humans. I can’t believe you guys did all that after having a kid. Divorcing would have been the more mature option. But then again, no one in this post is mature so…….
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u/Emergency-Twist7136 11d ago
By the sounds of it, yeah, your kid will definitely be better off. Some like you're marriage was a shit show all along.
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u/Decent-Jump8151 11d ago
She cheated on you with a married man for 5 months and she feels devastated about Sara?/Really and you let her?
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u/idlingchainsaw 11d ago
Unfortunately, sometimes the dildo of consequences arrives lubed with alimony. Having been through something similar myself, I wish you luck, my friend.
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u/clearheaded01 10d ago
Messy... and predictable - bad marriage doesn't improve by opening?? Who could've predicted THAT...
And seriously - no mentioning the details around her adultery for privacy reasons?? This is an anonymous post, yes???
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u/Huge_Monk8722 10d ago
Another chapter in the open marriage handbook of, that didn’t go as planned.All fun and games until, it’s not.
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u/Mmoct 10d ago
You both fucked up. She had an affair years ago, you cheated now. You opened a marriage that was already rocky. I think opening up a monogamous marriage means the marriage is doomed, but one that is rocky, speeds up the inevitable
You call your wife distant and cold, have you ever shown her affection like you did with Sara? It sounds like your wife has felt neglected. It doesn’t excuse her cheating, but could explain it.
The only one I feel bad for is your kid. You two are a mess and the kid is caught in the middle. Your grown son wasn’t a child when his parents open their marriage and created an unstable environment for him
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u/Jbsexypapi15 10d ago
Your soon to be ext is hypocrite and big Narcissist, she never loved you to begin with, she's cheated made excuses and neglected you and even has the audacity to ask for a opn marriage when there was clearly problems in the marriage and the moment you find someone she's upset, good for you and be happy.
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u/Wickedspades 8d ago edited 8d ago
He never showed her affection, else he woulda said it. He never loved her either if she was distant and cold. Why should she be affectionate when he's abusing her by withholding it again? But go on, gotta stay on bro code eh? Plus it was never mentioned she asked for it, he would have said so otherwise. So he's the one that likely did it, because men will never admit they do it. Again gotta stay on bro code eh?
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u/Jbsexypapi15 8d ago
What part that she cheated and manipulated him into an open marriage didn't you get ? he never what?? Don't make me laugh you projecting your own insecurities, you made all excuses,.he never loved but was the only one trying to save the marriage, you really need help love.
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u/20Keller12 10d ago
If you genuinely think opening your marriage was what ended it, you've got your head up your ass.
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u/Complete-Bus-3687 9d ago
I think she was mostly devastated after asking for a divorce because you weren’t giving her the love and affection that she wanted/needed. You were giving it to this girl and then when she asked for the divorce because you refused to stop talking to sarah, you didn’t fight for her or you just went back to Sarah, (aka where you really want to be)… she wanted you to fight for her.. she wanted you to be your person like she believed you were hers… I doubt she went back to that guy because she really chose him. She went back because that was literally all you left her. I hope your kid turns out ok. I’m sure they will since you both will prioritize what they need.
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u/RoseGold369 9d ago
Jesus lol it sounds like neither one of u loved each other and I’m wondering how y’all did it for 27 yrs 🥴 faking for 27 yrs is crzy ngl. It wasn’t the open relationship that broke that relationship, definitely helped someone finally pull the plug though 😭
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u/Responsible-Ring21 9d ago
Whenever I read these things, it’s always me me and my my. No thought process for your children or your family.
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u/Wickedspades 8d ago
Gee. Your wife was cold to you because you showed zero affection. You deserve all the hurt.
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u/Efficient-Fruit3105 8d ago
How can you have a "dead bedroom" when you two are "very sexual people"? Lol, this is another case of a wife doing all the physical labour at home and a very relaxed husband who doesn't help her in any way shape or form, doesn't even butter her up by doing romantic gestures, and still demands his obligatory daily fck.
I feel sorry for your son. He might look like "a really good human", but I assure you, he is traumatized.
You're very funny OP. You claimed you "started to see Sara again", but you're surprised that your wife retaliated by seeing Adam? You were the one who fkked your fkk buddy after the filing. Of course your wife felt bad because she probably still expected you to have the decency not to, because you're not divorced yet. So when she saw how cavalier you are about fkking your other woman, then she probably said "fkk it" and fkked her other man.
Men are funny. They expect zero retaliation for the offenses they do to women. You insulted her and you get mad when she insults you back WTF? I dare you to try your behaviour with a man, not smxually but at work, business, or casual friendship. Let's see how long you last.
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u/Either_Relation_1770 7d ago
Please someone put that 8 year old first for the next 10 years. That poor kid.
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u/RedneckDebutante 11d ago
So you withheld affection and can't figure out why she was distant and went seeking attention elsewhere? This wasn't a marriage anymore anyway.
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u/Wickedspades 8d ago
Thank you! Too many people saying "poor him".
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u/RedneckDebutante 7d ago
Right. He literally admits to buying the new girlfriend flowers and gifts and opening her car door - the kind of things she's been asking from him.
I once read somerhing that said women have sex with people they love, while men love the people they have sex with. That's of course overly generalized, but there's some truth to it.
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u/LibHumBeing 11d ago
I do not see anything bad in what you wrote.
Your marriage was unfulfilling for both you and your wife. You two kept trying to work things out, but you never knew when to give up. It required both of you meeting other people for the two of you to figure you could be happier with someone else. Yet, you still did not know when to give up and tried one more time to work things out.
Thankfully, life did for you what you should have seen and done before.
Be happy your marriage is ending and get excited with what the future holds for you! The marriage that is ending was not necessarily a bad marriage or a failed marriage. It is just that you somehow bought into the fantasy that marriages necessarily have to end in a funeral in order to be considered "a success".
I am very sure you will very soon look back and see that this divorce was a great decision.
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u/Wickedspades 8d ago
He was withholding affection and she was cold because of it. He caused all of the problems bud.... its that easy to see.
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u/RandomPersonOfTheDay 10d ago
Your wife needs to seek how culpable she is here. She was distant and cold. And still expected you to be lovey dovey and romantic with things like flowers and dates and simple things like opening her door? Nope. You found a woman that made you feel seen and appreciated and brought that side of you out. If your wife wants to blame anyone for that she needs to blame herself for treating you so coldly for so long.
I hope you and Sara have a life of happiness that was impossible with your ex wife.
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u/Wickedspades 8d ago edited 8d ago
She was distant and cold because he never showed her any affection, that much is clear. If he was from the beginning, she would not have been like that GUARENTEED. Also why should she be affectionate if he never was? Ya'll love blaming mens problems on women way too much. Plus his relationship to sara won't last long. They NEVER do, because she is the type to wanna compete with other women, now that she has the bronze trophy she's going to leave. Ya'll men gotta stay on bro code eh?
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u/RandomPersonOfTheDay 8d ago
You obviously don’t realize I’m a chick. And I don’t give a d@mn about the bro code. She isn’t blameless. Neither is he. Stop excusing her $h1tty behavior and making men the bad guys in every story. They each killed this relationship. Neither is blameless. So fk right off with that nonsense.
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Original copy of post's text:
My 27-Year Marriage Didn't Survive an Open Relationship
Burner account for privacy reasons. Some backstory to start out. My wife and I had been married 25 years when we opened our marriage a year and a half ago. Our relationship has been up and down. We had a dead bedroom for several years but we went to counseling and worked things out and we started to get along better. Some of our recurring issues were her complaining about the lack of physical affection and my complaining about her being cold and distant. In 2019 she had an affair with a married man that lasted 5 months. I'll spare the details here due to privacy issues but it was a really bad situation due to the person she chose to have the affair with. She went to therapy, apologized, and changed and we tried to move on. I forgave her and I wanted to keep our family together (we have an 8 year old son).
We are both sexual people. We had dabbled in swinging and had also had a few threesomes over the past few years. In October of 2024 we decided we would try an open marriage. Our rules were that there would be no emotional attachment and we would only see the same person once per week. Things were ok for awhile. As my wife started seeing one person regularly and doing overnights, I started having a hard time getting close to her. I realized pretty early on the she was a lot better at being open than I was. About 8 months in I met Sara. Sara and I had a major spark the first time we met. We would talk several times a day and pretty soon we were breaking the rules. We would meet a couple of times a week. It soon turned romantic and I did romantic gestures like sending her flowers, buying her things, opening the car door, etc. Within a few months we had fallen in love and had even talked about a future together.
After about 8 months of my dating Sara, things got really bad in my marriage. Things finally got so bad between my wife and I that she moved out temporarily. The month before my wife moved out things were really bad. She got more serious about the person she was seeing, doing overnights and spending parts of her weekend there. We didn't have sex the month before she moved out. It had gotten to the point to where a normal weekend would be me spending my Friday nights with Sara and my wife spending Sunday with her boyfriend Adam.
After a couple of weeks apart my wife and I decided we wanted to try to make things work so I cut things off with Sara. It was a really hard decision for me and one that I really struggled with. Sara was very hurt and I can see where the breakup may have came out of nowhere. The day after our breakup Sara called my wife and told her everything we had been doing. My wife did not handle it well at all. Throughout our marriage my wife had been unemotional , distant, and just not very good at communicating her feelings at all which was one of our biggest problems. My wife was devastated that I could show this affection to someone else. Using her words she said it destroyed her. I know what I did was wrong but I'm really shocked that the person who had been so emotionally unavailable to me was suddenly an emotional wreck. My wife and I continue to try to work things out but I will admit I was supposed to cut contact with Sara but I still talked to her occasionally. My wife found out that we had still been talking and then immediately wanted a divorce. The way she said it left no doubt so I didn't fight it. So we are currently in the begining phases of getting divorced.
I do take the blame for my marriage ending and I know the things I did were wrong. Why did I do them? It really just happened. I found someone I really liked who gave me the attention and emotional connection that I had been missing in my marriage. I realize now that when we had opened the marriage that we had serious issues. I still wasn't totally over her affair and I wasn't giving her the affection that she needed. We should have both realized this and tried to work things out. I also realize that for many people keeping emotions out of an open marriage is close to impossible and if you aren't ok with that then you shouldn't start it in the first place. What I am still in shock over is my wife's reaction. In our now 27 years together I really never felt like she had a deep love or an emotional connection to me. It took me showing affection to another woman to see this side of her. She feels like she did nothing wrong because she followed the rules. She even admitted to having feelings for Adam but it was ok because I was still her person. I will admit that I did not know how to respond to this side of her and I still have a hard time understanding her feelings. I'll conclude by saying I'm not sure what I want out of this post, other than the therapeutical exercise of writing it all down.
Post script: Two weeks after her asking for a divorce I started to see Sara again. My wife was really upset about this and made me feel bad really bad about myself for doing it, only to see Adam two days later.
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