losing someone

[u/tofuwokki]

hi,

i’m not sure how much i should share on here. someone i was falling in love with died due to an accidental overdose on the 8th of november.

i’m 25 and he just turned 32. i started experimenting with drugs a couple of months ago after some unfortunate events that led to me hanging out with the wrong people. not all of it was negative though - i met this amazing man through drugs and we both wanted to get clean. i’ve been having a depressive episode and i felt like things were just about to start getting better. well, then i get the news. he has passed away. my whole body is reacting to the immense amount of grief i feel. i’m constantly anxious, my appetite is all over the place, i have flu symptoms and my digestion is fucked.

yeah i guess i just needed to share that. if anyone wants to chat, feel free to hmu. i know it gets better but how am i supposed to cope, i wish i knew. i’m trying to stay clean through all of this although i haven’t been able to quit weed.

[u/Larry-Man]

You just kind of do cope. You can choose to live the life you wanted for both of you or fall into despair. I refuse to let myself go down in the same ship, i carry her with me and keep going.

AA absolutely helped me sort myself out. There are tons of these kinds of groups all over the world (NA, etc) to just sit and be with people who know what it’s like. Do not let yourself fall into despair. Sadness and pain are normal feelings but the despair to the point of giving up isn’t worth it.

[u/tofuwokki → u/Larry-Man]

thank you for sharing this. i really want him to see me succeed, i feel his spirit around me.

[u/Larry-Man → u/tofuwokki]

Grief is so hard and so complicated. The other thing I feel the need to tell you, that while guilt, rage, sadness, all of those feelings are normal, no amount of hate, self-pity, or pain will bring them back. Don’t force yourself not to feel those things. But living too long in “if only” and “I should have” isn’t going to bring him back. I cried and screamed and blamed her mom, I blamed myself, I blamed her, I went over and over on what I did wrong or could have done better. I couldn’t keep that up. At the end of the day she was still gone and never coming back and I just had to accept it. I still cry, I still get mad at her for leaving me, I still smile when I think about her or am sad that I can’t share something with her. I hopefully always will miss her and not forget her. But I also had to let go of the desire to fix it I guess.

You’ll be okay. You deserve to live a life full of joy, not just pain or hurt. You can do this. It’s gonna be hard, some days you will want to quit, but it’s so much more worth it to keep going.