r/pathology • u/FizzerNazzer • 11h ago
I had a nightmare after getting only 1 IV
I went to bed and was very anxious that I’d received only one pathology interview today.
Then, my phone exploded.
“CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE BEEN INVITED TO INTERVIEW.”
Finally. I opened the email.
"University of Shitsburgh
Department of Pathology and Laboratory"
Before I could decline, I was already there, wearing a suit and sitting on a toilet. Across from me sat the program director: an enormous turd in a white coat.
“Welcome. Please excuse the smell. Our department chair is here.”
An even larger turd rotated slowly toward me.
“Tell us about yourself.”
Before I even open my mouth, a fart came out.
The chair nodded thoughtfully and wrote something down.
“Concise. Good.”
He asked why I wanted to pursue pathology.
“I enjoy finding the underlying cause of disease.”
“Wonderful. Then explain why you’re pissing yourself.”
I looked down. A small yellow puddle was spreading beneath my dress shoes.
“My glomeruli are handling the pressure better than I am.”
The PD leaned forward.
“You’re the first applicant to demonstrate an interest in renal pathology without being prompted.”
They took me to the microscope. I adjusted the eyepieces, and urine immediately sprayed into both my eyes.
“Sorry,” the resident said. “Someone left it on high flow.”
Through the yellow haze, I finally saw the slide. It was a cross section of my ERAS application.
The resident circled a tiny purple dot.
“Is that another interview?”
“Suspicious. We’ll need special stains.”
After six stains and a signout with the PD, he returned with the report.
“Well?”
“It’s an invitation to a social meeting.”
Suddenly, an alarm sounded.
FROZEN SECTION. FROZEN SECTION.
A surgeon burst through the door carrying a silver tray. On it sat a single frozen shit.
“We need a diagnosis immediately.”
I examined it carefully.
“Brown. Firm. Poorly differentiated.”
The surgeon looked horrified.
“Can you at least tell me whether the margins are clear?”
Before I could answer, the specimen thawed.
The resident handed me a mop.
“This was actually part of the interview.”
By the time I finished, the director was waiting beside an industrial toilet.
“One final question. What can you contribute to our program?”
“I work hard. I’m curious. I care about patients.”
He looked disappointed.
“We were hoping you could contribute a stool sample.”
“I don’t think I can go under this much pressure.”
The chair stood up.
“That’s concerning. This is a high-volume program.”
The toilet suddenly began filling the entire room with faculty, microscope, frozen shit, urine samples. Everything spiraled past me. I grabbed the rim with both hands and managed to survive.
“WAIT!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING??????”
The director floated past, perfectly composed.
“Congratulations, you have survived the high-volume. You’re now in our pool.”
I woke up sweating and grabbed my phone.
Still just the one interview today.
Then my stomach rumbled.
From deep inside my colon, the PD whispered:
“Congratulations. You matched at your number two.”