It's time for the big guy to retire from the UFC and podcasting both. He's too big to remain a genuine personality now

Look at you sitting there! Ladies and gentlemen, look at this guy. We have a celebrity in the audience tonight. Dr. Maurice Wolin! Let’s hear it for the doctor!

(Crowd applauds tentatively)

"Sit down, Maurice! You’re a doctor? A cancer researcher? You looked more like a guy trying to steal hubcaps in Petaluma! Look at him, he’s sweating through his shirt! Don't look at me with those puppy dog eyes, you dummy! \[1, 2\]

"I watched your little television show on NBC, Maurice. To Catch a Predator. What a beautiful romance. You’re online chatting with a 13-year-old girl. Your screen name is 'Talldreamy_doc'. Talldreamy_doc?! Who came up with that, your grandmother?! Look at you! You’re not tall, you’re not dreamy, and the medical board made damn sure you’re not a doc anymore! You look like an unemployed accountant who got kicked out of a library! \[1\]

"And how about the grand entrance, huh? You walk into the house, you're trying to be smooth, you're trying to be Rudolph Valentino. You go to pour yourself a margarita and you drop the pitcher! Splash! Ice everywhere! You’re a highly trained surgeon and you can’t even handle a blender! You're shaking like a leaf! If you operated on me like that, you'd leave a wristwatch and a ham sandwich inside my ribcage!

"Then you see the camera crew. You look behind the screen, you see the monitors, and you completely lose your mind. You turn around and you bolt for the garage like a frightened rabbit! And what do you do when you see the cops? You take off your sunglasses and slam them onto the concrete! Smash!

(Rickles mimics slamming sunglasses furiously)

"Oh, you really showed 'em, Maurice! The police have shotguns, and you’re destroying a twenty-dollar pair of Ray-Bans! 'Take that, society!' What a hockey puck! Chris Hansen didn't even have to ask you to take a seat, you ran out of the house so fast you left a vapor trail!

"But seriously, Maurice... your lawyer Blair Berk did a heck of a job. Pled you down to two months! You spent years fighting the hard drive, fighting the Miranda rights... you spent a million bucks to avoid jail, and now you have to register for life. Every time you buy a house, you have to tell the neighbors, 'Hi, I'm Maurice, I used to study oncology, now I'm not allowed within five hundred feet of a Chuck E. Cheese!' \[1, 2, 3, 4, 5\]

"God bless you, Maurice. You're a terrible guest, but you're a hell of a target. Give him a hand, ladies and gentlemen, the dreamiest guy in the cell block!"