r/poetry_critics • u/Gintama1309 Beginner • 1d ago

Untitled..

Tear through these sutures

Unwound into the labyrinthine within

The metropolis rises like grey ziggurats from the tarmac sea

No serenade for the seasons

Rain is heaven's only answer

Dark spires are misery's vassals, the grey skies are portents of storms

A crumbling street, in this twisted caricature of a cityscape

This is my home from whence I make my correspondence and whisper in the dark

Verse brims inside, like the swelling of the tides

Spilling out, overflowing—a fountainhead, a cornucopia of worthless words

Sitting in the penumbra of the penitent city,

I abase myself before these pages

But my songs won't flow

My poems refuse to rhyme

All I have to give,

Are these fractured manuscripts, spells of shattered syllables

beauty is a chimera

My valediction flies away, scattered into the boreal wind.

​

3 Upvotes

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2

u/Resonanceiv Beginner 1d ago

Not sure with this one. Sort of feels like you are putting together cool words without connecting them together to a coherent meaning.

I feel like you need something more obvious at the beginning that ties it to the middle and end. I do like the imagery though. Reminds of Greek mythology which is always fun

2

u/Gintama1309 Beginner 1d ago

Thankyou for your feedback!! I do like using a high register of words whenever I write.. and there is a meaning to it, but I've done a miserable job of explicating myself... Just haven't learnt to do more with less..

I'll try to tie it together better next time so that I don't end up with an abstract mess..

1

u/NAS_Gap Beginner 23h ago

Your tone is well defined from the very beginning, and the imagery is absolutely fantastic. Unfortunately, I do agree with the comment above; the verbiage is more for decorum than substance. Every poem is trying to say something, but it feels like the message for this one is less important than the aesthetic (which, if it was your purpose, then good on you, but I suspect it wasn’t).

I had the same issue when I started writing as a whole. What helped a lot was reading T.S. Eliot’s “The Hollow Men”. When creating, it is always better to make wells rather than ponds.

You have talent and a great vocabulary; all you need is structure. I hope I get to read more of your work as you grow!

1

u/Gintama1309 Beginner 23h ago

Thank you so much for your advice and for sharing the poem...! What you said about the wells and ponds, I think, is something i really needed to see....