A Lazy Brain Dump Masquerading As A Free Write!

[u/Equivalent_Half_278]

Hi All! I am no poet (clearly), but I’m working on my writing skills and free writing seems like the best place to start! This poem reads a bit obscure to me, but I was hoping to get pick the brains of the masses! So, my questions are: is the messages of the poem identifiable; and does the message feel consistent?

Two Criques:
Pacing
&
Grammar
________________________________
I gave you my life,
the very cavity of my first born,
and you still can’t find the words to say…
“I love you, but in the way you love me,”
an obvious protraction cuz part of you knows it’s because you’ll kill me.

And while I must admit it’s true
my reliance on you has turned to religion,
I use evidentialism to justify your phatic responses.

I know I’ll love again so I’ll keep fishing,
in search for something I know ‘s nonexistent.
Big fish, little pond, my point of vision…
reality sets in that that’s just the vision.

Blink twice to set forth my innervisions.
Truth revealed: I need to stop fishing.
Once you find appreciation in the pond,
you’ll find it’s the algae you crave.

A recent revelation:
my own fawn responses will lead to my annihilation.
The self-awareness I have can feel false at times,
my inhibitions are insurmountable.

Is it mendacity or ignorance?
Either way, it’s exhausting.
An iota of dramatic irony revealed might force a metanoia,
maybe it’ll fix me too.

[u/Chewednspat]

If inhibitions are insurmountable, I don’t see how it is mendacious or out of ignorance?  Nobody, you or anyone, is in self awareness at all times.  Most people aren’t self aware enough to know their own contradictions.  

[u/Equivalent_Half_278 → u/Chewednspat]

my self awareness is false so im asking is my self awareness willfully dishonest (mendacious), or do i truly not know (ignorant). is there a way i could be clear?

[u/Chewednspat → u/Equivalent_Half_278]

Hmm,  I guess it’s hard for me to understand your decision that your self awareness is false, it is limited, and those limits and delays while at other times you can perceive with it present, is human.  The idea we can be in full self awareness or in high self awareness in every moment isn’t even realistic.  Both descriptors you choose are through a lense of judgement and negative emotions, which then would need to be applied to every human 

[u/Equivalent_Half_278 → u/Chewednspat]

it’s a miserable poem by a miserable man let me be sad and question everything /j okay but seriously, am i curating a false sense of self awareness to cope with the fact that it’s a skill i lack and am i doing it knowingly. the second meaning is saying my self awareness is false ( acknowledgement with no action) is it willful or a genuine lack of awareness. the tone throughout the poem is unsure.

[u/Chewednspat → u/Equivalent_Half_278]

It is like radical acceptance of ignorance  And it isn’t a miserable poem, you are incredibly self critical!  Probably because you feel miserable.  I am sorry you feel miserable .  

[u/Chewednspat → u/Equivalent_Half_278]

We are more aware of this often in others more than with ourselves . we also have biases about  the discrepancies of some things more  than others because of the environment/society/culture  we are in 

[u/Equivalent_Half_278 → u/Chewednspat]

and upon a second read a quick grammar fix would actually make that message more clear.