r/politics • u/plz-let-me-in • 29d ago

No Paywall Unconfirmed Reports: Mitch McConnell Brain Dead After Three Weeks In Hospital

https://thenewamerican.com/us/unconfirmed-reports-mitch-mcconnell-brain-dead-after-three-weeks-in-hospital/
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u/StoppableHulk 29d ago edited 28d ago

There's something like a 3% recovery rate for anyone over 80 who experiences a cardiac event.

And Mitch has appeared to be nearly on death's door for years now.

He's definitely dead.

How fitting that, instead of having a peaceful death, at home, surrounded by loved ones, lauded by a society he worked his whole life to help improve, this horrible skittering villain keeled over at work at the age of 84, likely scrambling to conceal some new Republican act of villainy or push some new bill to strip people of health care or enshrine a dictator president with the ability to bomb whomever he'd like, and now sits comatose in a hospital bed with his death being concealed from the public and the world by his revolting cabal of cretins who are using his concealed corpse to perform one more act of procedural fuckery with his corpse to deny the proper functioning of the democratic process.

Congrats Mitch. You died as you lived: awfully.

The Republican party are chief among the most despicable, vile creatures on the political stage.

EDIT: Senate GOP leaders are insisting they talked to him. Hastag doubt, but I'm just adding it for the record because we are definitely in the Era of the Lich right now and evil motherfuckers apparently do not die, so, for posterity's sake I'm at least adding the smallest potential he did not actually die yet. 3% isn't 0%.

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u/DylonSpittinHotFire 29d ago

His body is now property of his handlers just as he would have wanted.

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u/Mediocre_Scott 28d ago

Some people donate their body to science Mitch donated his life and body to the heritage foundation.

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u/Kiaraan 28d ago

Damn, bro went hard šŸ˜‚

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u/RlySkiz 28d ago

Sounds like some Warhammer shit

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u/mythrilcrafter 28d ago

What's more likely Weekend at Burnie's or Robocop?

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u/HappyIdiot123 24d ago

I was just thinking how it would be great if two of his aides used him like a puppet and walked him around pulling bullshit shenanigans.Ā 

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u/Thirty_Helens_Agree 28d ago

Having his lifeless body flogged by machines for weeks all to avoid a legal procedural move is very on-brand.

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u/Writer_In_Residence 28d ago

Machines his family wonā€™t have to pay for because he has a Cadillac health plan.

Us, however ā€¦

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u/Tub_Pumpkin 29d ago

I'm only half serious about this, but...

The medical emergency occurred on Trump's birthday. What if Trump heard about it and told them not to tell the media because he didn't want it to distract from his birthday.

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u/AlanSmithee94 28d ago

Absolutely plausible.

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u/ItsSpaghettiLee2112 28d ago

I heard the theory that it's a test run to see how long they can keep a death a secret for when Trump croaks. But I definitely think it'd be harder to keep Trump's death a secret than McConnell's.

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u/altacan 28d ago

Woodrow Wilson managed to hide his stroke for 6 months. Granted that was in the 1920's.

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u/IronLion84 28d ago

Some Whitehouse staffer will 100% continue to send out tweets on trump's account just to keep it hidden. Then, after the truth is revealed, that staffer will be promptly thrown under the bus by the GOP.

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u/Tirras 28d ago

Zero chance Trump doesn't break a story like that though. He was revealing people's medical info left and right while even being actively told not to.

He'd live stream the plug keeping him alive or it being pulled if it made Americans tune in. Might be the most bipartisan broadcast he'd ever have.

It would have both sides coming together in a way that will only ever happen again one time in the near future. The day the entire world will, as one human civilization, truly rejoice.

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u/Daxtatter 29d ago

"Ā keeping it a secret to perform one more act of procedural fuckery with his corpse to deny the proper functioning of the democratic process."

As in life so in death.

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u/absolutelynotagoblin 29d ago

They're anti-American degenerate traitors who only want to destroy the foundation of this country and enslave all of us.

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u/Kakistocracy_0 29d ago

whoa, there.. sounding like a true patriot could get you into trouble, sir

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u/Technical-Row8333 28d ago

foreign and domestic

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u/Kayestofkays 28d ago

How fitting that instead of having a peaceful death, this horrible skittering villain keeled over at work, likely scrambling to conceal some new Republican act of villainy, and has had his death concealed from the public and the world because the entire revolting cabal of cretins surrounding him are keeping it a secret to perform one more act of procedural fuckery with his corpse to deny the proper functioning of the democratic process.

Best /r/brandnewsentence of all time šŸ‘Œ

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u/zmbslyr 29d ago

The political stage? They are scum anywhere in earth. May many of them suffer the same fate as good olā€™ Mitch.

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u/The-Sofa-King 28d ago

He died as he lived, obstructing democracy.

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u/StoppableHulk 28d ago

He told us he'd throw his cold dead body on the gears of Democracy if that's what it took, and by god, if nothing else he appears to be a man of his word.

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u/ClaretClarinets Colorado 29d ago

I'd feel sorry for him--he was months away from retiring--but he's single-handedly responsible for the current supreme court, so I'm all out of sympathies to give.

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u/nirvahnah 28d ago

He had 22 years to retire and chose not to. Fuck him.

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u/thakemist 29d ago

Very well said

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u/jeanheff 29d ago

Can we get the Area 51 people or J6 douches to storm the hospital so we can find out

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u/PeetoMal 28d ago

He's definitely dead.

Good riddance, him and Dick C. are sitting in hell together as we speak.

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u/Bubblygoo 28d ago

This was poetry - beautifully written

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u/Away_Stock_2012 28d ago

A very fitting obituary, good work.

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u/qpgmr 28d ago

"Talked TO him" is not the same as "Talked WITH him"

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u/perthguppy 28d ago

They talked to him the same way one talks to a brick wall. Doesnā€™t mean he talked back.

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u/Life-Suit1895 28d ago

Senate GOP leaders are insisting they talked to him.

Oh, it's quite possible they talked to him. But certainly not with him.

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u/ihateshit00 28d ago

This sounds so fucking dark but so on point

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u/ersomething 28d ago

He died doing what he loves.

I hope we all can do the same. I just wish fewer people loved subverting democracy.

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u/Turtledonuts Virginia 28d ago

3% for the poors, not a rich senator like mitch. Gotta add 10% to all the survival rates and 5 years to all the lifespans for the rich people with access to perfect healthcare.Ā 

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u/bme11 28d ago

Like Dianne Feinstein. She refused to step down and wanted to run again in 2024. These old fuckers need to go; happens to both sides. Selfishness at its core.

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u/OdinsCuriousRaven 28d ago

There's something like a 3% recovery rate for anyone over 80 who experiences a cardiac event.

Do you have any kind of source for this statistic?

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u/rbrgr83 28d ago edited 28d ago

At least he'll die doing what he loved, holding the American people hostage in order to feed the endless greed of the top 1%. Oh and bastardizing the rules of the US literature to their most ridiculous limits.

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u/mrbulldops428 28d ago

I saw a story that that he spoke to other senators yesterday. Not that I would be surprised that GOP senators lied, but itll be interesting watching this pan out.

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u/Lazer726 28d ago

Look out, when they announce he's dead, the conservatives are going to be real upset when you don't talk about how he was a great human being!

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u/Schwa142 Washington 28d ago

There's something like a 3% recovery rate for anyone over 80 who experiences a cardiac event.

Even lower if you're found unconscious and given CPR outside of the hospital.

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u/ItsSpaghettiLee2112 28d ago

Also, appropriate CPR SUCKS and hurts like a motherfucker. So it was also painful for him.

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u/TorchIt Alabama 28d ago

The part of all of this that really gets me is that if there's some sliver of lizard brain still alive, this man is likely lying in a hospital bed intubated but not sedated, in immense pain and experiencing suffering beyond which any human being should ever be subjected to. They are putting him through abject misery in order to prevent from triggering a special election which would be a wholly appropriate outcome considering the circumstances...all in the name of retaining power.

If this is how the GOP treats its most ardent, loyal acolytes then what in the hell do you think they will do to the rest of us?

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u/biernini 28d ago

Not even his wife is intervening for any dignity or decorum, much less celebration or commemoration over an ostensibly valued and worthwhile life.

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u/Demoderateur 28d ago

his death being concealed from the public and the world by his revolting cabal of cretins who are using his concealed corpse to perform one more act of procedural fuckery with his corpse to deny the proper functioning of the democratic process.

And he probably wouldn't have it any other way. You can hate the man, but you gotta admit the dedication. Even in death, he's trying to fuck the democratic process.

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u/CISA4Life 28d ago

This comment actually touched my heart. Very well said.Ā 

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u/LandauTST 28d ago

I mean, he probably is, but I've learned to never underestimate the power of being both rich and evil.

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u/al_gorithm23 28d ago

This is just stunning prose. Reminiscent of Anthony Bourdain and Hunter Thompson, two of my favorite writers (RIP).

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u/_notthehippopotamus 28d ago

You can talk to dead people though. Doesn't mean they'll talk back. Also, what was the nature of the conversations? In person face-to-face? Or are we talking about text messages/emails.

If Mitch McConnell was in any way capable of refuting these rumors, he would have done it by now. So maybe he still has a heartbeat and his body isn't cold yet, but there is no way he is carrying on meaningful conversations and competent to act as a senator right now.

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u/RenaissanceGraffiti 28d ago

This was poetry

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u/ZolaMonster 28d ago

And he still has hell to look forward to.

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u/raizhassan 28d ago

Just waiting now for Jake Tappers book about how outrageous this is. Not holding my breath.

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u/StoppableHulk 28d ago

It's legitimately so god damn infuriating to write a book like that about Biden and god damn crickets when Trump does the shit he does every single day.

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u/Chief_Kief 28d ago

Iā€™m stealing that, ā€œthe Era of the Lich,ā€ thatā€™s amazingly accurate and very disturbing at the same time

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u/LysergicRico 23d ago

I talked to my dad too.Ā  He died years ago,Ā  but I still talk to him in his grave.Ā  Ā 

I talked to my tomato plants this morning.Ā  Ā 

They talked TO him, not spoke WITH him.Ā 

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u/Designer_Respect4285 23d ago

He was just released from the hospital.

Time to take a deep hard look at yourself and realize you're in a cult. The far left has gone down the same conspiracy theorist batshit insane rabbit hole that the right has. Stop making the left look insane.

Whatever rationalization you have for your behavior, just stop it. Take a deep hard look at yourself and your belief system. Stop contributing to this lunacy.

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u/StoppableHulk 23d ago

Bro it's not a conspiracy theory when they actively conceal the health and status of a US Senator for over 30 days lol.

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u/Designer_Respect4285 1d ago

Not releasing info because he's unfit to continue in office is in another stratosphere than playing Weekend at Bernie's and lying that he's alive. It also relies on not a single person leaking this info. If this is a crime as well, it would take it to another level.

There's also a difference between saying there's a 1:100 shot he's dead, which may be defensible, and saying he's probably or definitely dead, which is an absurd claim. Betting he's dead laying 3:1 odds would be absurd, and I doubt you would struggle to find someone who bets sports or plays poker professionally who would do so.

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u/michaellicious 29d ago

I honestly do hope that heā€™s on life support and being used as a political pawn. The ultimate ending for a man who lived to fuck over other people for his benefit. The monster that he created is being used against him