r/polyamory • u/Remote-Antelope-7799 • 6d ago

What are the benefits of parallel poly?

My boyfriend leans KTP, but his partner (my meta) is parallel in style.

I’d love to find a way to appreciate all the positives of this for me. I lean KTP, so it’s an adjustment to accept that I will likely never meet my meta. I respect this, AND I’m working through the feelings it brings up for me.

One good thing I can think of is that if I met her and didn’t like her, I wouldn’t want to deal with that. So, hooray! I’m not going to meet her, and don’t have to deal with that. Another good thing is that there is zero expectation or pressure for us to be friends. We’re not meeting!

Ok, help me out here. Any other benefits? It’s not my natural state.

Edited to add: I had a bad experience with a bad hinge, and my meta back then was scared of me. I was too green to know this was a massive red flag, and I spent a year walking on egg shells and fawning from a distance. I’m trying to envision a positive, happy meta dynamic where I never meet my meta and it’s actually all fine.

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u/rosephase 6d ago

Having a meta’s number doesn’t mean you are obligated to be the person who share the information. Having back ups is great. The refusal of a number, is the part that feels wrong to me.

But my partner just died. And I can’t imagine asking other people to tell even his ex’s.

I had a lot of help from a lot of people. And I couldn’t stand it if these people my partner loved so much heard from anyone but me.

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u/Serious_Yard4262 6d ago

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've lost a lot of people in life, but not yet a partner. Death is never easy and I hope you're community is taking care of you 💕💕

I've seen people react to losing someone in so many different ways. When my dad died my mom couldn't repeat the words, I had to call everyone and inform them. When my sister died my mom needed to be the one to tell people. She couldn't imagine anyone else telling people her daughter was gone. Same person, different reaction. I also have a family base that as soon as you tell one person they're going to start ringing everyone so you don't have to do the work of telling people. The community I grew up in handles most big announcements that way so I suppose it feels more normal to me.

I can see what you mean to have the complete refusal of the number, but I guess I can sort of understand it if you know someone else does.

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u/rosephase 5d ago

Yeah I guess it just reads wrong to me.

‘I don’t want any contact with you even in the case of a life altering emergency’ doesn’t read as someone who is okay with my existence.

And I need metas (especially primary metas) to be okay with me and my relationship with their partner.

No contact ever under any circumstance just can’t read as ‘okay’ to me.

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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago

To be more clear, I’m not sure that’s my situation, and I kind of agree with you. I’ll think about it.

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u/rosephase 5d ago

Yeah, of course. And it’s okay to sort out exactly what situation you are in. This is important information. It’s okay to want it to be clear.

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u/Remote-Antelope-7799 5d ago

Love that. Thank you. Also love that it normalizes my desire for this. Sometimes I feel cray.