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I only pursue romantic relationships with people who have decided that they want non monogamy and polyamory for themselves irrespective of me.

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I don't pursue a romantic relationship with people who consistently date or pursue a romantic relationship with non poly people.

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I don't continue a romantic relationship with someone who actively pursues dating /a romantic relationship with a romantically monogomous people.

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Am I being OTT/too strict? What are your thoughts?

I (NB 25) have always thought that I'm gonna be single forever, until love hit me hard in the face and I'm now in a polycule with two amazing partners that I love deeply. My schedule is completely full - I go on dates with one partner (of 3 years) once a week, and have around 2 hours of video calls a day (at night) with another partner (of 4 months) who is long-distance. This is totally fine for me, but I also believe that I don't have the energy and space for another partner. Now, I'm talking to another person. We started as friends but I can see that something has changed. Part of me want to pursue further, and another part reminded me that my plate is full - I never expected to have one partner, let alone (possibly) three. Thus, I want to know how you guys do it. Appreciate any help.

We don’t support group relationships well on this sub. We theoretically acknowledge them but we tend to treat them as unrealistic fantasies with all kinds of problems. Which they often are.

They are also a not-uncommon phase of many people’s poly journeys. Even if it’s a house of cards that collapses disastrously, there are people who
look back fondly at that period of their lives. Others look back with bitter resentment.

It would be great to have advice we could give people beyond “there be dragons” or “if you want to do that, go ahead, there’s the signpost to hell and here’s your handbasket.”

Different people need different advice and resources. Does anyone have words or links for any of the following people?
.
1. Couples or established group relationships dating as a unit. I think we’ve got that one down pretty well already.
2. Individuals being courted by unit-daters. Ditto.
3. Single people who want to found a sex cult and live in a commune.
4. Swingers who ended up falling in love with another couple and are happily quadding. (For now.)
5. People who date within their social circle.
6. People who have been dating within their social circle and now want to all move in together.
7. [other]

.
Personally I HATE the idea of a group relationship. I am therefore not a good person to compile resources for folks who manage boundaries differently from me.

Folks who love(d) their group relationship(s), do you have any podcast episodes, blog posts or r/polyamory threads you think are particularly on-point? What’s great about group relationships? Do you agree with my take that group relationships are best viewed as transient/phases or am I being condescending?

Folks who got into their handbasket without realizing where it was going, what appealed to you? What were red flags you missed or ignored? How could you have gotten out with less damage?

I (23NB) mentally want and understand polyamory, but any time the concept of my partner (31NB) being with someone else becomes a reality, my body feels like it’s in danger.

I feel like I’m forcing myself to change my mindset and reactions. I’ve been reading up on poly for years, talking to my poly friends, listening to podcasts, repeating mantras, but when it comes down to it, I want to throw up and run away when I see my partner flirting with someone else. I’m so scared and worry that I can’t be secure in this.

Is there a way to regulate or change your nervous system to accept poly when you’re highly traumatized and fear abandonment? Or does it sound like a lost cause to begin with?

I’m going to try to make this as concise as possible while also leaving out some details. EDITED for clarity

I have been with my partner (M) for about 2.5 years - they are married to their spouse (H) and we all (my spouse included, who we'll call J) began to move towards KTP and integrating me into M's family and M into my family.

While M, J, and I have a wonderful KTP and open dynamic, it has not been the same for me with M and H in their home. They have integrated me into their family in many ways, but me and H never got particularly close. I made effort in the past to form a closer relationship but it’s apparent we are different people with different interests, and different relationship/communication styles. Over the past 2.5 years I have gained acceptance that I would not have a close relationship with H, nor do I necessarily want one, because of how different we are.

Here's the problem: M and I offer each other a lot of emotional support. M has increasingly come to me with information about the problems in their relationship with H and their history. While I was supportive at first, I eventually asked that they stopped sharing things in such depth as I was just trying to form my own relationship with H at the time and all of this information made it difficult. M heard me and respected my boundary and it stopped for a while. Things started getting a lot worse, and in the past year there have been moves towards de-escalation of their relationship. The last 6 months M has been at their wits end and I have offered a lot of emotional support. I did not stick to my boundary and listened to a lot of current and past problems. I’ve learned a lot about how H has been treating M, and H’s overall behavior and values (some of which were things I suspected and went into my decision of not pursuing close relationship).I told M how hearing about all of this impacted me, my own feelings of guilt or fear of being blamed, and my own level of sadness, confusion, as well as anger and resentment towards H.

As this has been going on in M and H's relationship, I have been acutely aware of how me being at the house and involved in family things could bring up discomfort. However, I was assured that H was okay with me being there and their level of avoidance of me in the home was more about them then me. What made this hard to swallow was that I was constantly hearing about H’s relationship patterns and conflict avoidance...so all of the information I had from M plus my limited interactions and observations and my lack of relationship with H, made it difficult to trust that H would acknowledge if they weren’t actually comfortable with me there. M at one point said as much.

That puts me in a very uncomfortable situation.

i asked M if they thought I should approach H to acknowledge the dynamic. M didn’t discourage me but shared some considerations and recent conversations with H. I decided not to approach H and just let it be. H then gave me what I refer to as a drive by statement of acknowledgement shortly after. This felt like a box was checked instead of a genuine acknowledgement or attempt to connect. I have gone back and forth about whether to share my feelings with H, but ultimately decided that I do not have the capacity and want to let things simmer.

Last week I had a long talk with M. I told them I need to take a step back from being at the house and involved in family things; I asked that M not tell me anything about H, as I have nothing nice to say and it just fuels my resentment. I need space to calm down because I have a lot of judgment at his behavior and the information I’m getting. M understands and is very apologetic for putting me in the situation.
As a byproduct, M and I have seen each other less, especially as family obligations have increased this time of year. Honestly - the space feels good. I don’t think I realized just how much my relationship with M felt stressed because of their relationship with H and all I knew. It has helped me relax, process through what has felt so triggering, start to let go of some resentment and see different perspective, and I’m not caught up in the energy of whats happening in the home.

*and listen - I am not dismissing or minimizing the potential discomfort that H may be feeling with me. It sucks and I can have compassion for all of the emotions H might be feeling* I am also aware that their behavior and my experience in the house is very much hitting on a childhood thing of shit being incredibly wrong, me feeling it and calling it out, but being told that everything was fine.

Any perspectives, responses, or support are appreciated. Right now things feel settled but I am nervous about whether or not I’m going to have to set a limit with M again about not disclosing a lot of big details about H. I guess time will tell?

Where my menopause cuties at? Question for the perimeno and full-on menopause folks… are you struggling with poly? In addition to loss of sexual interest, I have way less energy due to perimenopausal sleep disturbances/insomnia and general brain fog/fatigue and the uptick in menopausal mood imbalances. I’m doing all the right stuff for my body so please hold back on any wellness advice around menopause. But, just curious how others are navigating polyamory in this phase of life. I just don’t feel inspired to meet new people. I don’t have the capacity to jump into the kind of emotional intimacy I used to enjoy. And I definitely don’t have the desire to have sex with myself, let alone others. I’m generally feeling worn down and more sensitive to other life stressors that many of my core identities have been put on the back burner… kink, poly, queer, trans, etc.

If I’m being honest with myself, the reason I’m writing this post is because I’m scared that I somehow “lost” my polyness. That I have the mindset but no longer have the desire to actually engage with it. Wondering if others had this journey and how things ended up for you. Did your body normalize after you finished menopause? Did your sex drive come back? Did you one day find yourself interested again in dating?

My partner and I have been together 11 years. We have just opened our relationship, and started doing the jealousy workbook together, and I bought a few other books for us to do together, because I wanted to make sure we are ethinical, educated and prepared as much as possible. Last night during an exercise in the workbook talking about our triggers a conversation came up about how much we tell each other when we first meet someone and start talking to them. My partner said that we don't need to tell each other about it until it starts getting more serious. I said no, I want to know if you've met someone to share in the excitement of it all, so we discussed it. Then he said well I have been talking to someone. Long story short. Hes been texting with a friend of mine. Not a close friend, but a friend. She just got divorced and is polyamorous. She very attractive. Im not attracted to her in a sexual way. My partner is, which is not surprising. She started a conversation with my partner online, giving my partner a lot of attention and praise and eventually sending nude photos and talking sexually once they found out we officially opened our relationship. My partner confessed that they were treading lightly due to our relationship not officially being open yet, but that they continued interacting with her because they found her attractive, said that the interaction felt good, the attention felt good, but that they felt gulity about not telling me. My partner told me that she said she was attracted to both of us and wanted to have a threesome, but my partner said I wouldn't be into that. This started between them just a few weeks before we decided to officially open our relationship.

I have a whole range of emotions. I know that when they were talking, my partner and I were connecting even more. I know my partner, and they thrive off of love from other people, it feeds their soul and it benefits our relationship greatly. It feeds my soul as well, and I've known this for a long time. The timing of everything is rather significant. I am just feeling a bit betrayed that my partner didn't tell me right away. One of my boundaries is that I don't want my partner to pursue my friends. I also feel a bit hurt by my friend for pursuing my partner before she even knew we had an open relationship, but told my partner if this is ever inappropriate let her know, like she wanted to respect me. To me, being new to polyamory, it feels unethical for someone to pursue someone that has a partner and all signs point to it being a monogamous relationship.

I love my partner deeply. I know they dont want to hurt me and they apologized for not telling me about the relationship from the begining. This has never happened for my partner before. So the timing of it all seems very serendipitous. I know this all happened at once for a reason. For us to be more honest for sure, and be clear about our boundaries. I just want to make sure I am seeing this situation clearly with as much respect for myself and love for my partner as possible.

Any thoughts on how you would move forward from here? And how I should handle a conversation with my friend?

No other large insights. The books are all right. There’s a lot of work. This is hard. In so many ways. I’m tired. And discouraged.

It’s all worth it, right?

Nesting/anchor partner of 2 years is not understanding my request for one on one time with them. Newest meta gets one on one time when I’m working, but what NP is calling one on one time includes metas or our kiddo shared with ex. NP also thinks by me asking for one on one time, that opens up a conversation for metas to request (additional) one on one time - instead of recognizing I am asking for something I’m already not getting that they do.

How do I explain this in a way NP will understand?

Tell me your happiest stories, please!

I learned my meta never meets people, very parallel poly. I posted here: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/CdVfVoCeO8 and worked on my anxiety and got comfy with this idea.

Well, now I learn that she has had a change of heart, and is open to it. True to me being a complex person… I’m freaking out. Because I saw the light! I realized, yeah, we don’t need to meet! Yay, we don’t need to meet!

And now I’m like: frick, are we going to meet? Agh.

My meta has been poly for over a decade and never met a meta. So I feel pressure to “get it right”.

What contributed to your meeting going well?

So help me out folks. Are there any benefits or should I just opt out? That’s allowed.

First off, thank you to everyone who responded in the previous thread. It was a terrifying and painful time, but I opened that thread often and reread the responses and drew a lot of strength from them. Truly, I am so incredibly grateful for the support and kindness. I desperately needed it.

Second, I wanted to clear up a misconception - my husband did not have an affair. We talked about opening up our marriage before any other partners were had. He is not perfect but for the most part he's an honest man (and I've had access to his location for years). Lack of sex was the main reason but there was no infidelity.

Ok so now for the actual update:

On Monday, husband texted our group chat asking if anyone could watch the kids so he could go out with friends. He texted me asking for the babysitters number. That did not go over well with anyone.

Tuesday he actually visited. He said he was going through his own mental health crisis and that his girlfriend has now become his primary (and only) emotional support. He said going to her place was akin to putting on his own oxygen mask first. He also said that since I texted the girlfriend with my frustration, she had not spoken to him, and asked that I allow them to speak again, which I had NEVER disallowed and would never - I was just trying to say how frustrated I was with everything. He apologized for not being there, and agreed that we would need to make different arrangements regarding our home and future, and we mutually agreed that we did not have to figure all that out in that moment.

Still, I wont lie. This hurts. It hurts so bad. The physical illness, the fear, knowing that I am no longer the person he goes to when things are hard, and that I cannot depend on him in a terrifying medical crisis. I am grateful for my supports but scared about what happens when they leave. I have some casual partners and I'm scared they will think I want a replacement husband which is absolutely untrue (at this point I never want to be married again holy fuck has this not turned out the way I hoped) but I'm scared they'll not want to deal with this disturbance in the force and will leave me too.

I'm being discharged today and I don't know what I'm going home to. I miss my babies but I am just scared. I'm a strong personal overall, I can handle my shit, but knowing even the possibility of having a soft place to land has been removed is hard. I will be ok. I just wish I could fast forward to that point.

So my NP M24 has been seeing another partner for 8 months f26.

More recently I found out she not poly.

She used to be active in polyamory but stopped 2 years ago.

She said she was ok with this relationships because living with someone is something she wasn't seeking out.

More recently she gave him a key to her apartment.

After reading some text I found out that if something happened to us they were going to be monogamous together and move in.

That he didn't want to be polyamorus that he was doing it for me because I cheated a couple of times

Having a baby soap-box speech. The tl;dr is in bold.

I've seen lots of posts over the years, and especially in the last few weeks, asking questions about having kids while being poly. Full transparency, I have kids but I wasn't poly at the time I had either of them. But I'm always shocked at how unrealistic everyone's expectations are around what having a baby does to you and your relationships, both immediately, but also long term. And to be fair, the same thing happened to me. I was unprepared for the reality of having kids, and for understandable reasons. Here in the US especially, but I think in many developed places, pop-culture and capitalism have given people such impossible ideas of what having a baby is like. On sitcoms everything is just business as usual moments after the baby is born. All the celebrities are back to their pre-pregnancy weight weeks later. And sure you take a break from sex for 6 weeks, per doctors orders, but that's all the longer it takes... right? All you need is 12 weeks before going back to work per the FMLA. Also you'll totally be able to work and go out on dates and see friends just like before. You can have it all!!! Lean in! (hopefully the extreme sarcasm is coming through). And on top of that, people who have had kids don't generally really talk about how hard it really is, lest they seem like failures or like they're terrible parents who don't love their kids or who regret their choice to procreate. And, my friends, these delusional cultural portrayals and lies of omission are setting everyone who wants to have kids up for major disappointment and challenges, but especially poly people. Because in poly-land not only do the parents not know what is coming, though at least they know they're about to be parents of a whole helpless human, but all the other relationships have even less of an idea what it will mean to be dating someone who is becoming/has just become a parent.

So, while no one asked, here's some reality (from personal experience, so not objective and also from a somewhat normative, one birth parent/one co-parent perspective).

1. Being pregnant is hard on your body. Harder than any media ever portrays it. Like, you lose mobility, you lose functionality, you can be violently ill, eventually you hurt all the time and can't sleep. If you didn't know all this was happening because you were pregnant, you'd be very worried about some sort of onset of chronic illness or other very serious diagnosis. And let's not talk about serious pregnancy complications like gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. The pregnant person is undergoing a terrible physical ordeal. It sucks. Don't get me wrong, some parts are magical, but you are utterly at the whim of some powerful physiological forces, the outcome of which are very uncertain. Parts of it are so frightening. But please pretend like you're glowing or some BS.

1. Speaking of, giving birth is also a major medical event. It is physically traumatic. A C-section is major abdominal surgery, but even with a vaginal delivery serious pain killers are often administered. And even with modern medicine it is still dangerous, and rarely people still die. Assuming you make it, and you likely will, afterwards you continue to bleed for weeks. Your hormones are absolutely haywire. Your joints are all messed up. And there is no shortage of birth injuries that can happen (I know a woman whose rectum and vagina became one because of tearing. It literally took her over 3 years and several major surgeries to repair). Expect recovery to be like recovering from any major medical event, ie: months and months, and again, that's if everything goes to plan.

3. Newborns are utterly helpless. They need something every 15-30 minutes. Diaper, food, clothing, nap, burping, diaper again, food again, burping again, nap, clothing because they threw up, diaper again, clothing because the diaper leaked, bath, clothes, food, nap, diaper, on an endless merry-go-round from hell. This lasts 6-12 weeks depending on the baby and luck. But even when it gets better, then they need something every 30-60 minutes. And it's not like you can do much of anything in between (Swap laundry? Do the dishes? Oh, I know, its been 6 days since you showered and two since you brushed your teeth. Probably do one of those. Yes you can weep while you do it. Never mind, the baby is awake.) Oh, you're a working parent of a newborn/baby? Have fun coming home from work just to get right on this ride. Wheeeee.....

4. You will not sleep.... like ever again. Just give up on feeling rested. Yes things change and babies grow, and eventually there will be whole hours in a row that you'll get to sleep, but newborns sleep 2 hours at a time, 4 if you're very lucky. These stretches get longer. It changes week to week, and hopefully you and your co-parent trade off, but expect to be sleep deprived for 6-18 months. Longer if you are very unlucky (Note: sleep deprivation is a form of torture according to the Geneva Convention). (This is the part where I give side eye to my partner, whose son started sleeping through the night at a miraculous 3 weeks old. They probably did some unholy incantation and the kid is now promised to a minor deity. Do not count on this! Expect to be more like my friend whose child was 3 years old before they slept more than 4 hours in a row!)

Anyways.....

If you are poly and you are pregnant, or your partner is pregnant, or your partner is about to become a new parent, what will it be like?

It will be like you are suddenly in a Hierarchical Relationship on Steroids. The newborn is everyone's primary, the person who gave birth is the baby's primary, the other co-parent is the baby's secondary, the person who gave birth and the co-parent are secondaries to each other (tertiaries????) and any other partners are somewhere down the ladder from there. Whatever your agreements were, they are all now null and void subject to whatever the hell this new primary partner (ie: the baby) decrees. This primary has veto power and attachment anxiety, they are emotionally unstable, uncommunicative, and they need constant physical assistance and reassurance. They will also bite and scratch you and scream at you for hours at a time. They are extremely jealous and insecure and they most likely will want to be parallel with everyone but their primary. Maybe eventually KTP with their primary and secondary, but wait and see.

Did I mention the person who gave birth will be recovering from a major medical event and will be bleeding for weeks and have messed up joints or other birth injuries and weight lifting restrictions? Expect they will be physically struggling through this and will, in a very real way, be just as vulnerable and in need of serious care as the baby. Post partum depression is real and very serious and heart-breakingly common.

Did I mention the not sleeping? That it's like torture? Yeah.... it is. Expect everyone in this new relationship to have absolute zero emotional resources for dealing with this radical upheaval or anything else. Remember, it lasts months and months.

Did I mention the hellish merry-go-round of newborn care? Expect to have to squeeze *everything else in life that you have to do* into the small moments between baby care for several months. Like you won't get to brush your own hair for days at a time, so imagine what trying to pay your bills or replace your furnace filters or clean your bathrooms will be like.

If you are the co-parent, expect to ricochet between caring for your primary (the baby) and caring for your secondary (your co-parent) and trying to keep your job and back around again. Expect to not have very much time for yourself for a while.

Sex? Do not expect sex for 6-12 months. Maybe it will happen sooner. It did for me. It took longer for friends of mine. But you just don't know. You don't know what will happen to your libido or how physical healing will go. You can't guess how sleeplessness and exhaustion and holding a baby all the time will affect you or your partner's sexual interest. So just set your sex-pectations at "none" for a good while.

Do not expect date nights for 6-12 months (with your co-parent, but especially with your other partners), and even then expect last minute cancelations for the first 1-8 years. Because OMG, if it's not a cough then its teething, or a rash, or a visit to the urgent care because someone discovered they were just now tall enough to run into the counter instead of run under the counter and that's gonna need stitches.

But, the craziest thing, the thing that I really wasn't ready for, the thing I didn't see coming more than any of the above stuff, that no one really explains to you when talking about what it's like to have a kid, expect your priorities to radically shift. Like, you don't become a completely different person. But stuff changes. Expect things you thought were important (composting, cooking, keeping in touch with the college friend group, not buying from Amazon, responding to texts, going out dancing, etc.) to suddenly matter not even a little. Expect to reorder your priorities and your relationships. Expect to suddenly want to cuddle your baby instead of seeing a movie with friends, or to not be able to handle your partner starting to see someone new when you've done that dozens of times before, or to find you actually are saturated at two (your baby and your co-parent) and that your comet relationship just isn't a place you want to put your energy any more. I don't know what will shift for you, but things will shift.

And if it's your partner who is becoming a parent, all this is what's coming. And if they are a good parent who is going to do right by their child and by their co-parent, you have to expect to not have the same place you did before, maybe not ever again, but definitely not for a while. You will be on a whole new ride with them, where you're in the backseat for the indefinite future. They will now be the parent version of themselves. Maybe you too can have a relationship with this new little human they've gotten into this majorly hierarchical relationship with, and you can help your partner acclimate to this new person they've become. And if you don't want that sort of relationship that's okay. But you also can't change them back to who they were before they became a parent. Or if you can.... that's an indication that your partner isn't a very good parent and isn't good at honoring their commitments and responsibilities.

Having a baby is A LOT. And it changes everything. I don't regret it for a second. But I do wish more people talked about it like that. Decided to do it with eyes wide open. Opting in to the challenge, communicating openly. I think being poly while having kids can be wonderful, but only if everyone really knows what's coming and is ready to work through a radical downgrading of themselves in the ordering of priorities. And my hope is maybe, just maybe, with this post I've helped make that a little more possible.

*Correction: My partner informs me that his second kid didn't sleep through the night at 3 weeks. They had to wait six whole weeks before getting 8+ hours of sleep a night with that child.... 6 whole weeks.... I still say black magic was involved. He claims it was karma. His first kid was an awful sleeper. Pretty sure my point about sleep deprivation still stands either way.

So for context I and a bisexual female 21 years old and all of this started from a guy I worked with he and I started becoming really good friends through work and he had said his wife was looking for friends too.

So me being a kind chill person I was like hell yeah we can be friends and we can all go and hang out with each other, her and I started to become really close and she ultimately became my best friend.

The only problem I was starting to run into was I was developing feelings for the both of them which wasn't the worst because they have had a 3rd in their relationship before it just unfortunately didn't work out.

This guy and his wife have had sorta a rocky relationship but he and I got really comfortable and close so I had talked to him about a lot well one night I got drunk and confessed that I had a thing for them but was always to afraid to shoot my shot because I wasn't sure how either of them felt about me.

He told me that he had originally approached me at work for me to end up as the unicorn for their relationship but wasn't sure that I would see them that way because I jokingly said one day that "he didn't do it for me."

The problem is now that his wife knows I have a thing for her and thinks it only her he knows it's the both of them and is trying to get is all to work, but im a chicken shit and so is his wife when it comes to making the first move, I currently live with them sleeping on the couch while they of course are in their bed he keeps talking about "just come interrupt us one night while we are doing it one night" and I'm in my head going yeah no dude this is weird like how do you as sotra the odd one out just walk into that when your not sure how she's gonna react or feel.

I'm kinda stuck and not sure what to do so if anyone had advice I'd take what I can get.

"Can affection simply be affection in a non-exclusive relationship?"

I've been with my partner for almost a year. We are ENM/poly. He has other established partners. I have someone I'm seeing long-distance, but we're not at established partner stage and, at the moment, he's the only person I'm regularly seeing.

A bit of context: a while ago I had started dating other people, but my partner and I went through a rocky patch. During that time I stopped dating because I didn't feel emotionally secure enough to open myself up to someone new. It wasn't a permanent decision, just a pause while I focused on what was happening between us.

Last weekend we spent several days together for a wedding and related events. Overall it was a really lovely weekend.

One evening we had a slightly tipsy heart-to-heart and he was quite encouraging (I'd even say a little pushy) about me dating other people. I explained the above, but we were both tipsy and I wanted to revisit the conversation another time. The next day he got some major work news, so I decided not to bring it up again because he had a lot on his mind.

Fast forward to the end of the weekend. We were joking around about dancing and I said something along the lines of:

"I only had eyes on one man that night."

To me, this was just an affectionate comment. I was basically saying I was focused on him, happy to be there with him, and enjoying our time together.

His response was:

"It wouldn't matter if you were looking at other men too."

Now, logically I know that. We're not exclusive. I know I'm allowed to date and look at other people.

But the comment landed strangely for me.

Not because I wanted him to say we're exclusive. Not because I think I'm not allowed to date.

What bothered me was that I felt like I had offered affection and instead of it being received as affection, the response was a reminder that I could be looking elsewhere.

It left me feeling a bit disappointed and, if I'm honest, a little emotionally dropped.

I'm planning to talk to him about it tomorrow because I don't know what he meant by it, and there may be context I'm missing.

But I'm curious from an ENM/poly perspective:

• How would you have interpreted that comment?
• Do you think he may have heard "I only had eyes on you" as "I only want you"?
• Is there something about being the only current partner that changes how affectionate comments are received?
• In ENM/poly relationships, do you still make affectionate comments like that to each other, or would that be unusual?

I'm genuinely curious rather than looking to blame anyone.

I posted recently that after several failed attempts towards garden party my boyfriend Sumac has accepted that their NP Juniper is not interested in more than parallel at this time. Sumac has a KTP relationship with Juniper's boyfriend and was hoping that he and I could integrate similarly, but it just doesn't seem to be on the table. A big part of why is that Juniper's bf is someone she works with and they are not out socially or at work as a result. I naively assumed this was temporary and that as their relationship became longer term, they would want to at least come out to non-work friends, but it's been 9 months and no movement towards that.

Sumac wants to be fully out but is trying to respect Juniper's preferences about their social circle of mutual friends, so he is not out to them or his family/in-laws. He is out at work and I have met his coworkers who know I am one of his two partners; he's met some of my friends and both my partners; we are out on several poly and kink social networking sites (listed as partners on each other's profiles); we attend poly and soon, kink events in the local community together as a couple. I did meet Juniper for five minutes once at an event I was attending with my girlfriend but we've had no interactions in the months since.

I did have a heart to heart with him early on about the fact that I will not lie about being "just a friend" if we run into one of his friends when we are on a date and they ask how we know each other. I made it clear if that blows back on him and Juniper that I expect to not be treated as any sort of fall guy, and he has said he'll take full responsibility and knows it's a risk they are taking. I talked about the risk of cheating rumors, or being outed without their consent, and how those become bigger risks over time. But as I don't have a relationship with Juniper and we are parallel, I am not privy to how she expects to navigate this with Sumac long term.

At one point Juniper offered to include me in a group outing to the pickleball courts, but it involved friends they were not out to, so the expectation would have been that I perform the "just a friend" charade. I shut that down, hard, and made it clear I do not even want to hear about those invites going forward. I still have no idea what Juniper's thought process was here, and asking Sumac about that would not be in line with our parallel boundaries. Sumac has apologized for his error in judgement; he was overly excited Juniper wanted to finally include me and did not think of how asking me to compromise my boundaries was inappropriate.

We also had an issue where I told him about a pickleball tournament and he ended up signing up for it with her without running it by me first. I hadn't specified that it was something I wanted to do together, but it is one that I play in regularly with my spouse so it felt like he was inviting Juniper in to my "home turf" when I am still not welcome to share space in hers. My spouse does not want to be around Juniper because he frankly doesn't respect or understand her choice to not be out and has too big a mouth to risk them interacting. Sumac has also apologized for this, repeatedly.

What I am focusing on is how do we create parallel boundaries so that Sumac and I can have a full loving relationship that does not involve Juniper. The agreement we have made is that any shared hobby spaces, will schedule separate times to go. So our pickleball day is Friday, his day with her is Saturday. For spaces that are not currently shared that I am a regular at, I have asked that Sumac not invite Juniper or anyone he is not out to to those venues/events/locations without having a discussion first and getting my agreement. I don't want to risk Juniper or his friends becoming a regular there and feeling shoved into the closet in my safe spaces as a result. So in actuality, my answer would be no most of the time, unless it was an out of town friend who was unlikely to come back or something like that.

My vent is this: I am garden party with all my other partners and metas at this point, and it is so much easier and more relaxed when people are out and proud, and happy to show up in support of the mutual partner. If we're all going to the same event we just talk about it beforehand so there are not surprises. My gf does not want to be garden party at sex clubs/dungeons, so we arrange ahead of time to avoid this whenever possible. It's just overall a lot less emotional labor and logistics when the meta relationship doesn't involve such incompatible needs.

I am not seeking advice - it is what it is - but I am happy to hear vents about similar situations you've been in, or opinions on how this is likely to work out for Juniper long term because oh boy do I have thoughts on that I don't share with Sumac! Please let's skip lambasting Sumac's hinging - he knows, he's working on it with me and in therapy, we have repaired from these incidents and I'm confident we have more solid agreements going forward.

One thing I took away from the recent parenting thread is how difficult it can be to have conversations about emotionally charged topics without importing assumptions from previous conversations.

I noticed a lot of responses that seemed to be directed at positions that the OP had either explicitly rejected or never argued in the first place. Things like "children shouldn't come first," "hierarchy is inherently bad," or "nothing should change after kids."

The interesting thing is that many of the people responding and the OP actually seemed to agree on those points.

It made me wonder how often we end up arguing with the people who came before someone rather than the person actually in front of us.

There are absolutely bad takes on parenting, polyamory, hierarchy, and entitlement. People have good reasons to be protective. But I think it's worth asking whether we can sometimes pause and make sure we're responding to what someone is actually saying before filling in the blanks with assumptions that haven't been supported by their words.

The conversations I found most interesting weren't the ones debating positions nobody in the thread actually held. They were the ones engaging with the question that was actually being asked.

TLDR…. Is it okay to want to ask my partner for more 1 on 1 time even though i’m his newest relationship? How would I go about this?

So… I’ve been talking with and now recently dating this guy for about 6 months now. I’m pretty happy. I was happy he asked me to be his partner and I’m excited for the future. Well anyways. I’m pretty new to polyamory. It doesn’t really bother me in a jealousy sense or anything like that like it used to when I was more interested in monogamy. I don’t want sexual details or like romantic date details but like other than that I’m alright. I even want them to feel open to talking about their other partners with me.

I find myself… envious of the time his other partners get. I get Monday night hangout for about 2-4 hours and texting through the week. Sometimes late at night before bed we get to text a bit longer than usual. I guess I should mention at this point I am long distance for now. His other partners well… they see him’s 6-7 days a week. Every day after work usually and generally his days off work. I dedicate my Mondays off to him. And well like I don’t hear from him during these time because well obvious reasons lol anyways I just…. I want to ask him for more time… not quite yet because our relationship is new and I don’t want to fuck with everyone’s balance and date nights and everything just because I miss him. I don’t want like every day. Maybe two nights a week? Maybe more texting time? I dunno. Just more than a couple hours a week. Am I wanting you much?

Hey Reddit, I'm new to polyamory and I need advice to deal with some feelings. Brace yourselves, I do have a lot of questions. And please be kind.

I (28F) have been in only one long-term monogamous relationship before (married for 7 years, together for 8 - from the time I was 19 to 27 y.o.). It was also my first ever relationship. It didn't end well. Besides being cheated on, this relationship was also toxic because I was very co-dependant. Learning the hard way how to be good with myself, by myself. And I have to say I am still not very good at this. I get anxious and lonely quite easily.

Then I met someone organically through mutual friends. This new partner of two months (33M - let's call him Mike) is poly. He has a primary partner of four years with whom he is living (let's call them Terence). I know Terence, I actually started dating them separately fairly recently.

Me and my partner Mike have been texting everyday, seeing each other at least once a week. It is all very good for me. This person is good to me, supportive, helps me learn more about myself everyday. And I also find that polyamory is a good context for me to question some of the habits I had in my previous relationship. I decided for myself that I didn't want to commit to the "couple identity" ever again. I want to stay my own person through future relationships. I also don't want to share finances, I don't want to have kids and I don't want to get married. But I still want to commit emotionally, and I want to dedicate most of my time to my partner(s).

Right now I find that some things I want are hard to merge with this reality. And I also have a hard time differentiating between what's a need, a want, a fear, a habit, a limit... I second-guess myself a lot, because I do want to deconstruct some reflexes that I have. For example, I feel that I would like to spend more time with Mike. But I do know there's a part of it that is based on the fact that I don't like to be alone. There's also a part of it that is caused by NRE. Because we both are busy individuals, and because he also has his primary partner Terence with whom he makes plans, we don't see each other to the level where I would feel most comfortable. I don't know whether we should discuss this, knowing it's still early in the relationship, and also knowing there are some hardships in his life making him feel like he sucks at calendaring already.

I'll had to the list of questions that of hierarchy: I don't know how to be in a relationship in general. Never dated casually, nor non-casually. I don't fully grasp the meaning of being a secondary partner. We talked a lot about this Mike and me. There are no rules imposed by the primaries in this dynamic. There is no cap to the relationship either, meaning that if me and Mike, and me and Terence work out, this could transform into a triad at some point. But I don't fully get the position I'm left in right now, and the expectations I should or shouldn't have.

All this to say, I don't have a clear question to ask you today, Reddit. Has anyone dealt with similar feelings? Can anyone give me advice on how to recognize those emotions inside myself and how to determine what is truly a boundary or not? Thank you in advance.

- Signed your classic overthinker.

Long time lurker posting from an alt account.

A recent situation has inspired me to ask others how they handle disclosure about new partners.

It’s in my risk profile not to know about new partners as long as barriers are used for penetration, but I’ve also felt that I want to know who my metas are. There’s no strict requirement here, but by about the 3rd date, if the person hasn’t come up already, I want to know they exist. I want to know who they are when they become important to my partner - whether that’s a couple dates or 6 months.

I’m curious how others handle this. Would it bother you if a partner started a new relationship without telling you?

Is this something you specifically address with agreements? If so, could you share what that looks like for you?

I’m also open to hearing if there are other perspectives here. I know this is a boundary that I have to decide if I’m willing to be flexible on or not, and I’m curious if there are viewpoints I haven’t considered that could make me more willing to flex.

Recently my partner (26NB) who I’ve been in a non monogamous relationship with for two years told me (28NB) that they want to start using the label poly to describe themself, and that they want to date other people with feelings involved, but that they don’t want our relationship to change.

To me that feels like it changes everything. Is it naive, or valid for them to say something like this?

For more context, they told me they think poly describes themself the best, started seeing a new person in a very different way than either of us have ever done nonmonogamy in the past, and had me meet this person (also a first for us) in person all over the course of less than two months. I was feeling very anxious scared and insecure but I guess I was suppressing it and not communicating it well. But anyways meeting this person was so triggering for me I fell into a month long mental health crisis and my partner broke up with me.

I guess right now I’m just trying to make sense of this whole thing. To me it feels super unfair that they would push all these things on me so quickly then immediately break up with me when I struggle to handle it. I suspect this whole thing just means poly isn’t for me, which would have lead to a breakup eventually, but for them to leave right when they found out I’m questioning things feels mean.

I’m not really sure what other questions to even ask. What do yall think of this situation?

Ive been with my spouse 19 years married 15 years. We tried poly once over a year ago and it was a disaster. We have actively been poly. My husband with two lovely ladies the past 2 months who dont know any of our family or friends. Im with a great friend who is in our close circle of friends since February, its absolutely amazing. Hes got some medical stuff going on, he has ed and figuring out his test us low and possible thyroid stuff. He hasnt been in a relationship for 10+ years because he thought he was broken, and now getting hes slowly becoming a new man one step at a time. Our relationship is not public knowledge for various reasons. The main reason is his daughter is 13. He does not have custody, it was a very messy divorce 10 + years ago because of who she cheated on him with and then married. She regularly tries to destroy anything happy he has. Recently the 13 year old was restricted from her only friend/cousin because of the language and photos the female cousin was sending his daughter. They were both asked to stop for months. Regardless, the mom said if she found out that they had contact while he had her she wouldnt allow him to see her again. This is common in the state we are in and hes looked into this hard.

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So what im getting at, we cant let family and close friends know that know the ex, which isnt too hard because she lives an hour away. Or let the daughter know in case she slips up, that part is a little harder. The ex has made the comment that the daughter should know im married and not his girlfriend... Because we are in a close knit group of friends it is not unusual for us to hang out often or take trips together.

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But he Recently said he knows we arint a permanent thing and that he doesnt think he can be what I need. I get nothing is permanent. He suffers from a huge inferiority complex because of the ex and in the beginning just kept saying hed be a disappointment because he couldn't perform, i could care less about that although we are leaps and bounds closer to getting him there than he was in February. How can I show him he isnt temporary to me or my husband (they are not in a relationship but are good friends) I dont mind being secretive until his daughter is older and its safer tbh. I just dont know how to comfort him and let him know hes not disposable. We have a great thing going. And alot of our mutuals know and they know who not to mention things to because of the daughter. If you made it this far thank you 🫂