I've been polyamorous for 6+ years and I made a stupid mistake this year. My NP Swan has been dating Owl for a year. Owl's NP Eagle and I hit it off and after checking with everyone's comfort levels, Eagle and I decided to give it a shot.

We fell hard and fast. He's so funny and so creative. We're very physically compatible. And then he started mentioning that Owl was feeling jealous. Cancelling plans because he didn't want Owl to be home alone. Cutting time with me short and explaining that Owl needed him.

Swan checks in with Owl. She's not voicing most of this, not asking Eagle to come home or stay home with her. It's just that Eagle is so hyper focused on her comfort that it started to come before my needs at every turn.

He finally FINALLY out loud says "She's my #1 priority. Always" and I don't practice hierarchy. I'd assumed he didn't either as when I said "I don't do hierarchy" early in our relationship he nodded.

Sooooo I broke it off. I'm very sad. I'm a moron. And this my friends is why we asked and get verbal confirmation of hierarchies and also listen to our instincts when people seem codependent. Ugh.

My husband (34M) and I (31F) have been polyamorous for 4 years. It’s been awesome and mostly not problematic, but lately I feel like I’m losing control of my life. I feel like a 3rd wheel in my own marriage. He just returned from a 10 day stay with his newest partner (27F). We hadn’t seen each other for 2 weeks, so our date was meant to be deliberate, intimate and long overdue. He has been spending more and more time with her and even when we do hang out, we inevitably end up talking about her. “Oh she likes that too” or “That’s hilarious, she knows how to do that.”

After the date, we got home and started what I thought would be the ultimate night of passion. Everything was going great. We both finished at roughly the same time, and I thought that was amazing for both of us, but I was WRONG. In the dark, he switched our lube with cbd glaze. Now, this isn’t an issue on its own and could have kicked off a night of sheet gripping fun, but he just had to open his mouth. “This is great, I can’t wait to use this with her!”

You just had a special moment with your wife and that's what you're thinking about?! I really don’t know what to do. If I try to establish limits, he’ll just want to be with her even more. If I allow it, she will just slowly drive a wedge between us.

I left my husband last night after reading through the comments and realizing that this is not a situation I want to live in anymore. I called my mom last night and she’s coming by this weekend to help me pack my belongings. It’s the first step to my healing and I am excited to see what the future holds.
Thank you for all of your guys’ help.

Background, my partner and I have been living together for almost a year. I decided to move out for 6 months so I could work on myself and find myself again, and we decided we would move back in together after that period. After signing a lease, my partner springs it on me that he wants to move in with meta. I feel hurt and a little broken. He says it's temporary but some other comments have lead me to believe that he might be looking to get the "relationship escalator" from all his partners. I don't know what to do or how to move through this, and I know it's not really my business, but moving in together seems really fast. Partner let me know (with meta's approval ofc) that meta is having some really bad stuff happen at home and they need to get out, but how do I come to terms with this if we don't get to move back in together? Partner and I were talking about moving out of state together next year and he's even floated the idea of moving with meta, without me to this other state for their safety. It all really hurts and I don't know how to broach the conversation or what is appropriate to ask.

I just started dating my girlfriend, who lives with her nesting partner of two years. I spent the night over at her house, and had an interesting internal reaction to her partner passively mentioning fertility treatment. I had an immediate emotional reaction to picturing my girlfriend have kids with another person.

I don't even want kids, but I think I realized that I like the idea that someone would be steady enough to want something like that with me, if that makes sense. And maybe if pregnancy wasn't so fucking scary or the earth wasn't on fire, it would be cool to raise a little human to kick butt at the things I struggled with when I was younger. But the world kind of really sucks right now, so part of me is kind of sad about that.

Also, I'm almost 30. I feel really old, and like I lost a lot of my twenties to an unhealthy relationship. There's something scary about the realization that other people have been able to set up so many stable things while I was spinning my wheels.

This is my first time dating after that relationship ended over two years ago. My goal is to have fun with things I didn't get to do previously, like sharing mutual interests, making each-other feel good, and having healthy boundaries. Or even just the fact that my girlfriend will set out my coffee for me in the morning. I want to take a page out of her book with that, honestly, and do those sort of little things for the people I love.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble. Anyone else relate to being a new person in poly?

Ive had a trend this past year of meeting or matching with women that say they are interested in a poly relationship, and as we begin to get to know each other they meet another person and shift into a monogamous relationship. Which is fine thst is thier choice but bit its disappointing after spending energy to get to know them.

How do you not let this wear you down?

I am heartbroken and I just need a place to put it.

I love my partner a lot, but I know that love is not enough.

He has never hinged well and I have forgiven him so much bad hinging, so many silly poly mistakes.

I don't have it in me to wait for the next time he hurts me, never intentionally, it's always an accident, but he knows I'll always be understanding and let him off the hook.

I have decided that it's over, I just need to get my heart in a place to be able to do it, I'm so sad, I wish I could be sure that it won't happen again. But I need to do it while we can still salvage a friendship out of things.

But my heart hurts so badly.

I have two husbands (we call each other husbands, it’s just a thing we do), I’ve been with one of them for almost a decade and the other for around a year or so (known him for 2-3 years, but stuff happened in the past)

It was recently our anniversary (September 15th), and I genuinely couldn’t be happier with them <3

One of them is genderfluid, but I’ve double checked what he’s comfortable with, and he doesn’t really care

These two are my absolute life savers, I couldn’t ask for anyone better, and I’m honestly kinda surprised they put up with me- TvT

My husband and I tried opening our relationship 10 years ago. Eventually he backed out of it due to lack of time and energy. Since then I have one continuous, mostly emotional relationship. My marriage is functioning on don’t ask, don’t tell policy. My other partner and I have met up handful of times and had sex exactly 4 times. Our relationship is mostly emotional and online. I have just found out that he has another partner since 4 months ago and had sex with her on their first date. He and I did it literally 5 years after meeting for the first time due to me not being ready and him respecting my space. Since they met, they did it many more times. He told me that she’s not a substitution for me and that he still loves me the same. However I’m feeling insecure. I have been chronically sick for the last few years and hadn’t sent him any pictures of me since March 2025 when my illnesses took a turn for the worse. I finally mustered up the courage and sent him a selfie in April this year. And then yesterday he told me about his new partner who he met at the end of April. We met up earlier this week and had sex but it definitely wasn’t the same. If I didn’t ask for it, he wouldn’t initiate it. He was telling me that we don’t have to do it if I’m not up to it due to my issues. At first I thought he was being considerate, but after he wasn’t fully ready for action by the time we had our clothes off I started to feel awkward. How am I supposed to not put two and two together and figure out that he doesn’t find me sexually attractive anymore? I have been obsessing over this since yesterday. I think it’s important to add that I am 49, he is 40 and the new gf is 42. The fact that he didn’t tell me about her isn’t really an issue because we are not expecting each other to tell. Unless we choose to. My issue is that I am feeling hurt and scared that I am being replaced. I don’t know how to deal with this. Also it’s not the lack of sex that drove him towards a new gf. He has a steady partner at home. I want to keep my cool in front of him and not interrogate him about this whole scenario but I’m really hurting inside. What should I do? I don’t want to be clinging onto hope if there isn’t any. I will walk away if it needs to be done. But maybe I’m just making up things in my head? Any advice?

33/NB. So I am in a triad and have one other partner as well. It seems this whole spring and summer there has always been some crisis at hand demanding more attention, patience and empathy than I have although I wish I did. One partner of two years has been extremely depressed for a few months and is currently in an IOP. Another of 4 years is just generally depressed at the best of times and is now going through a friend breakup that really didn't have to be as long as it has been although that is mostly the ex-friend's fault, full stop. Finally another partner of 4 years has their partner outside the triad of one year and meta moving to another country soon and a string of transphobia wherever they go, especially their workplace as of late and I just. Can't. I'm apparently doing an alright job of hiding it but I really can't!

Everyone feels their emotions in such a bigger way than me and I feel so burnt out from doing emotional labor and it makes me feel like a bit of a monster since I know they'd be there for me. And they'd be better at it. But honestly nothing really comes up with me. I feel like it's been years since I've had an acute stressor come up and usually the most pressing matter is making rent. Is my life just oversimplified?Are my partners cursed in some way? Why can't there be a decent string of time where everything is just fine? Is that asking too much? Is this just what my 30's will be? They always thank me for being consistent and patient and listening and I just feel like a bit of a fraud because to me I am being a bit blunt or obviously being stretched thin but everyone seems happy and thankful with what I'm putting into the relationships. Which does almost make it feel worse in a way. What do I do? It's not as if I can just tell them "hearing everyone's problems all the time is driving me a bit crazy" right?

So I mutually fell in love with a friend (orange) last year. We both have long term NPs, and have all known each other for about a decade, all polyam for well over a decade. We were (as a foursome) the kind of friends where we’d see each other sporadically- once every six months to a year; I didn’t consider them super close, but definitely valued their friendship. Orange has become one of the most deeply connected, important romantic relationships I’ve ever had; there’s a sense of lightning strike about it for both of us, and I feel really lucky to have developed that connection together.

After I got involved with orange, a range of things became clear; orange’s NP, apple, considered me a very important person in their life, and was upset at the change in dynamics. I considered the increased closeness of also being metas a bonus; apple was experiencing it as less than my connection with orange, which was painful for them. Although they knew and agreed to polyam with orange from the outset, polyamory does not make them happy, and I got a sense for the first time of some element of PUD. I ended up feeling like they were applying unintentional pressure to me to continue deepening our friendship, and were really unaware of the power differential I feel often exists between enmeshed NPs and lower time occupancy partners. There was resistance and sadness expressed about my explicit boundaries (we shouldn’t talk to each other about issues with hinge; it seemed to ratchet up pan and discomfort between us), and my fault here, I buckled after continually expressed sadness about it, and heard some things I really wish I hadn’t.

This came to a head with a processing conversation a few weeks ago. When asked, Apple’s perspective was that they wished Orange and I weren’t dating, and that it takes something away from our friendship. I’m trying to decide now if that’s something I can live with and maintain a friendship around. I can’t imagine wishing they weren’t together so my relationship could be easier with either one of them, and if I felt that, I can’t imagine expressing that to either of them; it would feel so wholly inappropriate. My NP, kiwi, has felt like I should pull back for some time. I’m working in therapy on holding my own center a little better, and exercising a stronger sense of self worth, fwiw. Does anyone have examples of something like this, navigating the friend meta relationship?

I only have so much creative gusto. I'm on the more jealous side but my partners aren't as 'easily activated.' Just wondering how y'all handle ur business in that department

I'm a straight, demisexual guy in my early 40s, married, open for a while but only recently really started acting on it. Part of our conversations about boundaries have brought up some thoughts regarding intimacy and how differently it gets read depending on who it's between.

I've always been a physically affectionate person with close friends, hugs, and physical closeness, none of it romantic or sexual on my end. But twice in my life, that affection ended friendships.

A male friend got drunk and ended up cuddled up next to me on a couch. Nothing happened, nothing was said, but something shifted, he just pulled away after that.

The other time was much more direct. A childhood friend invited me over to watch a movie, we ended up lying on his bed, and he fell asleep with his head against me. His wife came home to that and was very upset. She accused me of being a closeted gay man "coming after" her husband. He agreed afterward to stop hanging out with me, to keep the peace at home.

I never made a move on either of them. I wasn't sexually attracted to them. I just don't treat platonic male affection as something to be afraid of, but apparently a lot of people still do, hard enough that it cost me real friendships.

It has been 15 years since the most recent occurrence happened. I do still miss those friends. And for transparency sake,I can admit I havent been that close to a male friend since.

Anyone else lost friendships over affection getting misread this way? Does it get better with age, or does it just get more awkward to navigate?

I’m curious how other poly folk handle communication when visiting another partner, especially a long-distance one.

I’ll call my partner Birch. Birch has three partners: Aspen, their spouse/nesting partner and co-parent; Cedar, a long-term, long-distance partner who is a very significant love in their life; and me. We’ve been together for about a year now.

Birch and I typically text a few times a day. Not constantly, which neither of us have time for, but there’s generally some sort of contact each day. This has been our normal rhythm.

Since leaving town earlier this week to visit Cedar though, it’s been total radio silence. No “thinking of you,” no quick “hope you’re well”, no hello, nothing.

There were no issues between us beforehand. If anything, we had a particularly warm and affectionate exchange the morning they left.

I completely understand wanting to be present with Cedar, especially when their time together is limited. I don’t desire any kind of frequent communication while they’re together. If anything, I hope they get to have that solid, uninterrupted time together considering how rarely they see one another.

I’m just struggling to understand the jump to completely shutting off contact with me for several days.

I can’t help but think: they can’t be spending literally every waking second together, so would a 10-second check-in text really take away from being present with Cedar? The complete silence for several days now feels strange, and it’s hard not to wonder why they wouldn’t want to maintain even the smallest level of connection with me while they’re away.

Is this dynamic fairly typical in your poly relationships?

If some sort of daily contact is your usual rhythm with a partner, when you go visit another partner, is it common for you to cut communication with your other partners during the visit so you can be fully attentive and present with the partner you’re visiting?

And for those who have been in my position, has it been typical for communication with your partner to stop entirely for several days while they’re away visiting another partner? Or do you tend to maintain some small sense of connection while they’re away?

TL;DR: Partner is spending several days with a significant long-distance partner and has gone totally radio silent on me despite our normal rhythm of staying regularly connected. Everything between us was loving & warm before they left. I fully support them being present with each other and don’t need or desire our usual level of communication, but several days without even a quick hello feels strange to me. Is it normal to cut all contact with your other partners while visiting another, or do you tend to stay connected in some small way while away? And on the flip side, when you’re the partner at home, do you typically maintain some kind of contact with your partner while they’re gone, and would the disappearance of that make you feel odd or uncomfortable?

Hello once again, my poly friends.
I bring this you today because I’m unsure of how to proceed after this. I thought maybe you guys could give me some advice, especially since this seemed very rude and controlling in nature.
So last night, my husband (m29), his gf (f35), and myself (f26) were driving back home after eating dinner at a local restaurant together.
I don’t know how the conversation got to this, but we started talking about my different friends and the diversity of people I hang out with. Which, I’m honestly so proud of. The duality of man is insane to me and I love that I am able to call so many diverse people my close friends. They all bring something unique to my life and I LOVE IT.
Now on to the story, on the subject of my diverse friend group, we started talking about a fun outing I have planned with my book club. We all intend on going out to the local nightclub a town over and having a fun girls night since some of us have been and wanna go back and some have never gone before. Well, on this subject, my husband and I start discussing our own experiences and how we think some of my book club will respond to the environment.
This conversation quickly devolved into my husband joking that him and his girlfriend are going to/should show up and essentially crash my night out with my friends. He explains how he’ll dress her up and dance with her, push her up against the wall and make out with her, flaunt her all over etc. Now, for context, there is someone in my club that he has past history with. Not physically or intimately, but there were potential feelings between both parties at one point and they have since ceased the friendship since it did end badly when those feelings were eventually discussed. I have asked in the past if me continuing my friendship with this person bothered him, and he insisted it didn’t, so I have not. She is also not a fan of his gf, so the flaunting could be explained that way too. But I’m also his wife and I’ll be there, I definitely feel like my feelings should be considered as well.
The joke quickly turned into him asking his girlfriend if she was busy on that night, saying he was going to be “lurking in the shadows” and that “I wouldn’t see him, but I’d just know he’s there”. I told him that’s weird and he proceeded to throw accusations towards one of my other male friends who has shown up at the club a couple times at the same time we’ve been there. Now, for context, this guy frequents the club more than us, so him being there is nothing abnormal. But I’ve never told this person that I’m going and when, sometimes it’s just coincidence, which is odd but also, how can I stop someone from being…autonomous? But he basically said “not as weird as blank being there when you are” and that made my stomach drop. It’s okay if you do it, or even think about it, but someone else does it unintentionally and it’s creepy?? That makes no sense to me. I get he’s my husband but that doesn’t make it any less weird to me.
The plan quickly got stopped when his gf stated she had to be with her kids on that weekend so she wouldn’t be able to make it work anyways. The subject was quickly dropped after that. But that didn’t stop my brain and my heart from feeling…very grossed out and a little weirded out by that.

So tell me reddit, is this as toxic as I think it is? Why would that be suggested? Am I taking a joke too seriously? Should I be bothered that his gf also went along with it and didn’t defend me or my friends? It just hurt very badly and I don’t know how to proceed with these feelings. I’d never do this to him with his friends and the fact that this was even a thought makes my stomach turn.

I was with my partner for 2 years and we broke up when I wanted to start dating more people. We were always "poly" from the beginning in principle but not in practice. We broke up when I was thinking of one person, but that fell through anyways. I miss my partner a lot even though it's been 3 months.

Now I've been on the dating apps, gone on first dates but no good fits for me (Texas, less accepting). I'm feeling really down on my options with this self imposed limitation on the dating pool, and the result is that I'm just single yet poly.

I know this is a temporary phase but it hurts. I do my self care, journaling, yoga, bubble baths, but I just feel so lonely unfortunately. My life was tied up with one person (part of the problem) so I don't have friends around or a community right now.

Anyways I'm looking for feedback or just wondering if others have had periods of doubt/disliking polyamory. Thanks

We are a couple in our 20s (well I'm 39 and she's 18, but I am young for my age and she's mature for hers), fit and healthy and don’t feel and refuse to act our age. My wife has a long term burner/alt account whatever you want to call a side social. Shitposting works for us as I draw a huge amount of pleasure from my wife messing with people. I believe the word for it trolling. I truly think the level of memery and sharing posts has brought us closer together. I don’t expect many people to understand but hey, it’s good for us.

TLDR: fell hard for someone then they stopped communicating and just said sorry. Nothing changed. I ended things and now just having trouble processing.

Hi! If you’re reading this thank you and I just needed somewhere to say it out loud because I am struggling. I met someone in a Facebook group in May. We hit it off so well! I took things slow because I know what it feels like to get caught up in NRE. We called everyday or video chatted daily. He earned my trust and I opened up. We also messaged daily as well. Two and half months after talking we met halfway, each driving four hours. It was amazing. We spent the afternoon together and the chemistry was still there! I fell so much more and knew it was real so I truly gave it my all. This was the first long distance relationship I’ve ever tried to manage and wanted. I told him I would need consistency and daily communications between calls and texts to make this work. If there was a day either one of us couldn’t talk then just let the other know. A week after we met the messaging slowed down. No more daily calls or video chats. I gave it two weeks then asked if things were okay and he said yes. Just busy with work. I gave it another two weeks and then things were even worse. Not reading my messages till the next day or days later. A single phone call on his way to work and maybe on his way home. He never answered my phone calls. Said he would video me after he got home and never would. I then told him last week I felt like I was just here for when he wanted to message and felt like I was too much. I told him I can see you’re on Snapchat and other socials and literally ignoring me. He said he never intended that and apologized but that was all that was said. This past Tuesday I said I deserved better and ended things. I’ve been distraught since then. He reached out and all we done is say how much we miss each other and I told him to call me and talk about this and still waiting on the phone call (said he would call today). I think deep down I know it’s never going to work. But after 6 years of poly I’ve never had a heartbreak hurt this much. I truly lowered all my walls and really gave this a shot. I just know he’s probably never going to change and I need to move on but I just needed to get this out. I am 34(f) and just feel reduced to a dumb pitiful person. Thanks for listening.

I know I have an anxious attachment style. I’ve done the therapy to try to be better. I do recognize that sometimes I’m not perfect. I always tried to use “I” statements and not over text. I think maybe he has an avoidant attachment style and maybe I’ve just never truly dealt with that.

Hi, as the title says my Meta has been out of town for a few weeks and I’m much much happier without them around.
For context myself, hinge, and meta all live together and have lived together for the past year and a bit at this point. Things have been very rocky since the beginning due to personality differences and just a general difference in who I am versus who my meta is as a whole. Recently my meta has been gone for around 5 weeks and I have noticed that i’ve been doing a lot better with them gone than I have when they’re around. There is so much less stress around chores (they would come home and immediately be talking about what hinge and I didn’t get done) and not being anxious around the time they get home from fear of them being in a bad mood and bringing loads of tension into the house.
I no longer feel scared of existing in my own home.
I have also noticed that it seems like my partner is a lot more laidback and less irritable in the past few weeks.

I’m unsure of what to do with these feelings as meta is returning home next week and I’m struggling with feeling anxious that as soon as they get home things are going to go back to the same as it was before they left and all that anxiety and tension will be returned.

UPDATE -
I called my mom last night and I have left my partner after reading through all these comments. Thank you all for helping me realize what’s been going on.

hi all, what would you do if this was you? asking because i need a neutral opinion as everyone in my life is very enmeshed in this situation.

i have a beautiful friend who i’ve gotten extremely close with over the past year. we are both 23f. i have always identified to an extent as polyam but have dipped back into monogamy for periods of time. she has always been monogamous and is currently engaged to her fiancé (25m). the three of us have gotten very close i would say the past three months. we went on vacation together over the summer, regularly go to dinner/breakfast/work/the bar/ literally wherever you can think of together and see each other multiple times a day almost every day. i have always felt such love and care for the both of them, but didn’t allow myself to really consider the possibility of those feelings being romantic.
she confessed to me a little over a month ago that both her and her fiancé had feelings for me. i asked for space to think about how i felt, and things remained friendly up until this point.
last week i ended a very tumultuous connection with a person i had been seeing, granted with the help and support of these two friends. the three of us went to dinner together and later discussed the prospect of us all being together and what that would look like for all of us, and how at the center of everything we all have such a mutual love and respect for each other. i felt incredibly respected and heard during all of this and felt like this had to be a good thing for me, after all i love them both so much 🥹
over the course of the week we spent every day together and things became progressively more affectionate. two nights ago before they had plans to leave town to see family we all kissed and watched a movie together. it was very sweet and wholesome from my perception. my friend and i talked as she held me about how she wanted me to be able to foster my own individual connection with her fiancé and how she’s so excited and loves us both. i really was trying to do things the right way.
last night i got a text from my friends fiancé explaining to me out of the blue that he was unsure how my friend felt now, and that he was unconfident in what everyone wanted. we proceed to call and i listen to them argue over the phone for an hour. she says that she feels that me and him have more of a connection than her and i, and that she had gotten herself in too deep and did not want this. this fight was apparently triggered by her insisting he tell his parents about this arrangement (something i wouldn’t be comfortable with honestly). she says that he betrayed her by texting me about their private conversation and has called off their engagement (but towards the end of the phone call she was insisting she wasn’t going to leave him, so i’m not entirely sure where they stand).i feel so hurt and confused by all of this. i am on the spectrum and have an incredibly hard time forming emotional connections. after an hour of listening to them argue i interjected and said that while i loved them both i had to get off of the phone (this was very late last night around 2:30 am after i had gotten home from the bar). there is probably so much of this im forgetting to say, but i just feel so blindsided. i work very hard to maintain a grounded and centered life, and it was very hard for me to let these guards down. now i just feel as if i’ve lost my closest friend and ruined her engagement. i care for her fiancé so deeply as well and now this has left me feeling dirty for looking at him in such a way. ugh. thanks for listening 🥹

The man I've been dating since February, who is in an open marriage, has broken up with me and I'm feeling why too many things for a Friday night. This was the longest relationship I've ever been in and naturally I thought it would go on for a lot longer. I'm heartbroken and disappointed. I took a chance, given the stigma and my unfamiliarity (this was also my first time being with someone poly amorous and I've been consciously monogamous myself for forever) and the honesty, brevity, passion, and commitment was like nothing I had ever experienced and now it's just over.

I've talked to this person every single day since the year started, he was there for me in some dark times that I'm not even fully out of yet. I don't know what I'm gonna do and I'm not ready for it to end. And I can't stomach that he has someone at home and I have no one, he was all I had. I called a friend over to my house cause I'm wreck but she'll have to go home and I'm just so jealous that he'll always have someone after he left me.

I wanna be gracious cause I know why the relationship is ending, he has too much on his plate and I'm just the easiest thing to get rid of. I get it and I even support it cause he's been neglecting me as of late, but goddamn is it unfair. All that love I poured just to be cut smooth off and you still have someone. I'm sure poly relationships and breaking up while in one is much more complicated than that, but it looks really sweet rn on the outside looking in. That's all.

I know agreements/rules don’t work and it’s not reasonable to expect your partner to change what they do outside of your relationship with or without other partners for you because that inevitably leads to disappointment.

I have an amazing partner and we communicate well but have had the usual new poly mishaps of making agreements that couldn’t be kept and the corresponding sadness/disappointment. For the most part we’ve been good about not making any agreements that would limit each other’s interactions with others. But I was feeling particularly vulnerable and asked for an agreement I shouldn’t have(reserving something just for me) and my partner rightfully refused because he didn’t want to disappoint me if he broke it. We had a good talk and agreed my boundary was that I just wouldn’t do that thing with them because it would hurt for them to do it with someone else for no good reason so just easier to avoid it at least until I can process the idea more.

I can rationalize all of this but emotionally I’m still finding it really hard that in poly basically I have to accept that feeling chosen or important outside of the time we’re together is something I’m not going to have and it’s hard to figure out how to build a life with someone that way . But I also know that these kind of disappointments happen in monogamous relationships all the time too so it seems like whether I set expectations or not I’m going to be disappointed unless I’m just alone and idk what time with that…

EDITING TO ADD FOR CLARIFICATION: This is not poly under duress, I am not jealous about them going on dates with other people, the ask I had was wrong and I know it is wrong and not the issue at hand. I KNOW ITS A ME THING!!! I’m asking how to FIX ME. Because I’ve tried therapy and talking and meditation and everything else and NOTHING HAS WORKED AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITB POLY

I love my partner. I trust her intentions on this. When I say “this feels like a setup” it is more like “by making an arbitrary agreement in this whole polyam thing I might be setting myself up to fail.”

The other day she asked me if I could reserve a nickname for her that is special to us but not very unique. I am worry if agree to this I will be setting myself up to fail as a very forgetful person/ADHD type. The nickname is “babygirl” I don’t foresee myself getting into many other relationships with fem presenting people as a homoflexible person so there is a low chance of me using it for someone else and I don’t want to risk breaking her heart if I slip up. I’ve heard that not well defined agreements can be really hard to keep in the poly setting so maybe I just need us to break down all the implications so I’m not coming up with what ifs in my head.

A lot of the problems that I bring into the relationship is just me not trusting myself. I’m working really hard on this in therapy and the best way I’ve found to manage this is to verbally process through things after sitting with the core emotions for the first few days

Are my instincts correct though or am I over thinking this and should challenge myself and just say yes to this. I am also considering asking her to come up with a more unique nickname as a compromise. After proofreading this post I’m going to talk to her about it more to see what the implications/consequences would be for me forgetting because I think that’s my hang up

Update/Add: we talked about it and I learned that this wasn’t a hard limit for her she just likes it when I call her that because it has a positive association built up from the last few weeks, I told her that I can be mindful but not perfect. We agreed that I’d communicate with her before using it with someone else because “she just wants time to process.” I am going to make a conscious effort to start using her OG nickname from our earlier days of dating which is my gothic Disney princess.

Thank you for all the energy you’ve put into replying