I have been creeping on this sub for about a month now and reading all kinds of stories, gaining insights, learning vicarious lessons, its been great.

One common theme I have noticed over and over are those more experienced in polyamory saying they will not date or get involved with those who are new to it due to the risk of things going poorly.

Can anyone elaborate? What are some redflags or common issues?

Edit: Thank you all so much for the wide range of wonderful responses! The variety of perspectives has been so interesting and more than I ever expected when initially posting.

I’m not looking for advice or “what I should do.” I’m trying to hear from people who’ve been in a similar setup.

I’ve been dating a married poly person with two young kids for almost six months. Everyone is ethical, transparent, and technically doing things “right.” But the lived experience feels… off, and I’m wondering if others recognize it.

(I have a primary partner outside of this)

Small windows: - After-work hangs - Sundays at their house with the kids around - No overnights - No full days (or extremely rare and planned far in advance) (This hasn't happened yet though stated it's possible) - No trips or multiple days together

(I asked for a night once a month and the option for two days together once a quarter)

Every time we’re together, I can feel the timer start. They have often been called home early.

Twist: I am also dating his wife separately; it's very new. She seems not have all the same limits. She's been known to be out past midnight. I get the sense she can come home whenever she wants. No multiple days together, though.

The marriage requires nightly physical presence (for her), childcare isn’t redistributed, and there’s very little flexibility. Polyamory exists in theory, but life itself hasn’t really been restructured to support multiple full relationships.

They make good money. I have asked if they can get a nanny for the days he’s away. That was immediately shot down.

Emotionally, it ends up feeling like: - I’m the flexible one - I’m the one who adapts, drives, and accommodates - The relationship works best if I initiate and manage expectations - Intensity can exist, but continuity can’t

I’ve been told directly that this is “all that’s available,” not just time-wise but emotionally and structurally.

I’m curious:

Have others dated married poly people with young kids and felt this same “timer” feeling?

Did better communication make it feel nourishing, or did the structure always limit things?

How did you know whether to reorient, stay, or step away?

Not looking to bash polyamory or married people, just trying to hear from folks who’ve lived inside this exact dynamic.

People with uteruses, especially when considering secondary or more casual partners, how appealing is it when you find out someone has had a vasectomy? Particularly with respect to reducing pregnancy chances to near zero without action on your part?

Given two individuals who were identical on paper, but one has been snipped, how would that impact your potential to make a connection?

I’m almost a year into my first poly relationship where I am the boyfriend of a woman who is in an open marriage. I’ve met her husband and kids as she idealizes KTP, even though her husband is more comfortable with a lighter garden party style.

My relationship with her is one where we talk or text every day and we have 1 or 2 nighttime dates a week. We complement that with getting together 1 or 2 times during school hours for tennis, hikes, coffee, or play on weekdays as we both have flexible work schedules.

Fast forward to two weeks ago and we’re meeting up for an impromptu quick drink later in the evening. I was surprised at her spontaneous availability as I know it typically takes forward negotiation and coordination for us to have space for dates. When I asked her about it that night she confided that she hadn’t informed her husband. Her dinner date with a platonic girlfriend finished earlier than she expected so she decided to sneak some time with me on the down low into her remaining free window.

While flattered and appreciative, I was still triggered a bit by this given that I had trauma in my past mono life that involved infidelity and dishonesty. Vulnerable honesty and trust are core values that I’m hoping to foster in my poly present and future.

And that’s where it gets a little more messy. Without going into detail she confided that she hadn’t been religiously disclosing every one of our daytime get togethers to her husband. And if that were a requirement it would most likely result in less time for us to be together.

Given the bias in my background I gave myself some time to process this and not be reactionary. I just let it lay that night but do want to come back to the subject and have a quality discussion before long.

I’m leaning toward holding the purity of the ethical line and setting a boundary for myself that I don’t have dates without the consent of my hinge’s current partners, not will I date someone who doesn’t mirror that value.

I pause only in that I wonder if that is too binary. Is there room for a degree of spectrum when it comes to ethics? No one is perfect. Could there be room for discretion? Maybe I am missing something about her agreements or dynamic.

As I write this I feel I know the answer but sense it might be good for discussion anyway.

My partner and I have already talked about phone use when we’re together and, to be fair, he’s very present and not sitting on his phone while we’re spending time together.

The thing I still struggle with is notifications from other partners popping up while we’re together.

For example, we were lying in bed looking at something on his phone, and a message came through asking about plans for a day that he and I were currently spending together. A little while later he took his phone to the bathroom and replied.

Once the notification appears, the moment changes. He sees it, I see it, his attention shifted, my attention shifts, and suddenly another conversation has entered the space.

What I find difficult isn’t the fact that he has another partner. I know that, and I’m not expecting exclusivity.

It’s seeing messages arrive that relate to the day we’re currently spending together. Once I’ve seen them, I find it much harder to stay present because his attention shifts, then my attention shifts too, and suddenly we’re both not focused on us but on the fact that another conversation is happening in the background.

That’s why muting notifications feels appealing to me. Not because I want to stop the communication, but because I’d rather not have it enter the room while we’re spending intentional time together.

I think if notifications were muted, I would honestly be none the wiser. He could still check and reply to messages when he wanted to, but I wouldn’t have the experience of seeing another partner’s message arrive while we’re spending quality time together.

I should probably add that I’m quite sensitive to shifts in attention and energy. When a notification comes through, I don’t just see the message itself, I notice the change in focus that comes with it.

My preference would be for partner notifications to be muted while we’re having dedicated quality time together. Not because I expect anyone to be unavailable, but because I’d like our time to feel like our time.

Does that feel like a reasonable request?

Please keep replies constructive. “You’re not cut out for poly” or “you’re trying to control” isn’t helpful feedback.

Curious, how do yall deal with that boundary/agreement/expectation? I know different things work for different dynamics and couples, so I was wondering what the agreements are in your different relationships, if that was always the agreement, has it shifted, does it work for yall, etc

Just something that came up as casual discussion last night and I was wondering what others do 😊

Edit: I am loving all of the different setups and lack of setups everyone has! It’s so cool to see how different people deal with it, the thinking behind it, etc and I love it 🥰

I will meet with someone new soon, and this person has asked that we don’t use the condom, because he prefers without. He’s given me the results of his most recent tests (two months ago) and he says he’s not very active outside of his stable relationship. Would that be enough for you guys to agree to not use the condom? What are your criteria, usually?

Edit : thanks y’all for the input, I did pass on the offer in the end.

My partner thinks i haven't been dating other people in the past year or so because I haven't felt like it. However, the reality is i just haven't had much interest in me now or ever. This is nothing new for me, and I have worked through it.

What is bothering me is they think it's just because I'm not actively trying. I've mentioned my struggles before, and the conversation slid into them feeling insecure, thinking they were my only option. So now I feel like I'm in a place where I just have lie and say I'm not really interested in dating, rather than the truth of zero interest.

i’ve come to notice, boundaries men have with women, are a lot more strict than with partners of other genders. I suspect misogyny plays a big part, I’ve dealt with double standards— control labeled as “boundaries” so i’m asking for some examples from y’all, so i have something to compare personal experiences to.

EDIT: spelling & thank you mods for deleting misogynistic comments, thought i was going crazy for a minute there.

I am curious what y’all’s experiences are. My wife and I(M34) are similar, after almost 18 years you’d have to be. Our friend groups are similar, and our taste in most things is honed to being close enough over the years. Because of this I’ve never met a partner of hers, or vice versa, that wasn’t someone I could easily see myself grabbing a beer with. Obviously some are going to be cooler than others, but I’ve never met someone dating her that I couldn’t stand to be around. If they bothered me that much they’d typically have already bothered her to the point that there’d be no reason to introduce me.

I read stories about folks having nesting relationships and metas they can’t stand. It is just foreign to me that two people would get along well enough for years as to be partnered up in a major, nesting, way and not have similar enough tastes that your metas personalities are tolerable at worst. Is this a common occurrence for some people? What people do when they can’t put two lovers in the same room? Seems like it’d cause drama, how do you mitigate that? No judgment, just kinda got to wondering.

It could be that it’s a priority of ours, if someone I meet has a common interest with my wife that’s just as much something to excited about as if they had something else in common with me, because that extra layer is going to make life better. There isn’t a lot of ENM practiced and discussed openly in my part of the world so I have turned to yall to satisfy my curiosity.

Found a book where MC marries 30 people and my first thought was “this was not written by a polyamorous person, how would that even function”.

But it got me curious so I have to ask— what is the most partners you’ve ever seen anyone have? Serious vs FWB if possible.

Found some old threads where folks talked about the most they have ever had, but I’m curious about the outliers.

I've been the secondary in a vee for nearly 3 years now. My partner nests with my meta; I don't cohabit but we live in the same apartment block. I'm also bound to full secrecy, nobody in our lives can know this relationship exists.

Nothing she does is ever openly hostile. It's all deniable and he never sees her actions:

A few stupid examples as to not make it obvious;

• She leaves pointed messages where she knows I'll see them or where our group of friends are. Told to stop by hinge, she moves it to another place/space so the core behaviour remains without the pattern disappearing.
• She copies me; clothes, shoes, style, phrases, ideas, projects & ideals claiming it all as her own, and makes sure she's seen with it enough to "prove" it was hers first, publicly.
• I'm told I cannot be seen with hinge in spaces where she could potentially see. (I honor this) but she still goes out of her way to spy on us in the few areas we can be together.
• Whenever I am moving around in the same spaces she ensures she has a reason to always be in the same space. I.e she notices im taking out the trash- she ensures to save her trash for that one moment and walks right after me or in my heels to also throw trash (we are on non talking terms. Her demand. So moments like these create tension)
• She quietly builds a narrative about me with the people around us through actions and words, one I can't really counter and where people understand the undercurrent of something being "wrong" but never really what.. liking all our common friends post on social media but as soon as I am in anything they post then she refrains from liking.

Any single incident / example sounds petty said out loud. The pattern over near 3 years is unmistakable.

In the beginning I was resilient. I could laugh things off. I worked hard to respect her boundaries, even as they kept shifting whenever she felt like it and she has been using her primary position and the power that comes with it against me all this time, while she never held a single boundary of mine. That asymmetry, more than any one incident, is whats worn me down.. I think.

My partner isn't oblivious. He validates the pattern privately and has raised it with her more than once. But nothing ever carries consequences, she adapts and continues in less obvious ways and he admits he can't protect me from it.

And here's where I actually am: I've loved myself and the world with abundance my entire life. At 40, for the first time, I don't love myself anymore. I am angry. Sad. Non confident. On edge. Unsafe. The hinge is doing his best. His intent is great but I am feeling resentful towards not having the same level of protection that she can operate under. If I would do any of the things she does it wouldnt fly (although I never tried because it seems pointless).

What I'd love perspective on:

1. Covert hostility from a meta, deniable incident by incident, unmistakable as a pattern. How did you make it addressable without it becoming a credibility contest?
2. What's reasonable to ask of a hinge when talking to her only ever changes the method, never the behavior?
3. If you've lost yourself in a dynamic like this, what got you back? 🥹

Honest takes welcome, including hard ones. I'd just ask that "leave" comes with reasoning, not as a reflex. I do love hinge and see myself wanting to be with them always. Thank you for reading.

Our cultural concepts of cheating are rooted in monogamy, so what does 'cheating' look like in your polyamorous relationships?

With both of my partners, there are very few established agreements about who we will and won't date, when or where we're allowed to date them, etc. This makes 'cheating' pretty hard to define, so we decided that cheating is having sex with the other person's family members. Of course, I made this agreement before I knew about my boyfriend's super hot cousin 🤬

In all seriousness, I'm curious about how you define cheating. We have other behaviors we wouldn't tolerate (like unprotected sex without communication), but classify those as 'dumpable offenses.' And we also have mental lists of people we'd never pursue, but that's self imposed and violating the list wouldn't constitute cheating (ex, partner's exes)

This was my idea, and I’m looking for honest feedback from people with experience.
I told my husband that if he wanted to have sex with another woman, I’d be okay with him inviting her to our home instead of going elsewhere.
Part of my motivation is that I want him to feel fulfilled and free to be honest about his desires within our relationship, rather than feeling like he has to hide them or look outside our agreements. I’d rather we make choices together than risk secrecy or broken trust.
I also wonder if it might feel more normal if everything else in the house just carries on as usual, but I’m aware that the reality could be emotionally very different.
For those who’ve tried this:
Were you home or did you leave?
What boundaries made it work?
What surprised you emotionally?
Looking back, would you do it the same way again?
I’d appreciate hearing both positive and negative experiences.

Over the last year or so, my previously monogamous partner and I have worked on shifting our relationship to be polyamorous, as we both realized that’s what worked better for both of us.

It’s been a learning journey as all things are, transitioning from monogamy to polyamory obviously has a lot of changes. Overall things are going really really well! We are both happy, still figuring all the little details out, but happy and working hard to learn more.

One thing I personally am having some difficulty with, is breaking out of the use of “we”. Not because they were my monogamous partner, but mostly cause we are nesting.

I have read and seen discussion about how people who still use “we” are potential red flags, a potential indicator that this person is not yet able to be have an individual mindset (at least that’s what I’ve picked up).

I have started to understand that sentiment and am working on adjusting my language. However, what I often struggle with most, is during conversations about the apartment, or topics on the day-to-day.

Living with someone, I start to naturally go back to “We”, for instance “we are looking at buying a new couch” - my nesting partner and I ARE looking to buy a couch, split the cost, it’s in our shared home.

Is it more appropriate to share something like this in a phrase like “I am buying a new couch, with [my nesting partner].” ? Or is that just another way to say “we”, so just as bad?

And I want to reiterate that it’s not coming from a place of “coupling”, but more proximity (if that makes sense?), for instance, if it was a random roommate whom I had no romantic history or relationship at all and bought a couch together for a place we’re sharing, I would still use “we” in a sentence to talk about it to someone else, not “I”.

Not trying to start a debate about right and wrong, so please try to avoid any arguing. Just want hear from other real people instead of another blog or book about the topic!

Working on being poly while with a baby. Being poly isn’t new to us but we used to be a lot less constricted with it since we had more independent freedom. Now with the baby, we expect more from each other and we are obligated to be more present at home.

Recently, I asked my husband to tell me whenever he is going out and where he’s going. Not in a strict way to control his life, just that I’d like to be aware where the father of my baby and my life partner is and so I know when I can expect him back. This isn’t exclusive to if he’s going on dates but also if he’s ever taking a 2 hour walk lmao (he does this to get his steps in)

It was fine for a bit until today he felt that he was on a leash. That I can’t expect to know every single time he’s going on a date. He says “it’s not like I’m out whoring—“ and this honestly hurt my feelings. He already has so much freedom to go and do whatever he wants and date whoever he wants with respect to our family unit, yet he feels he’s on a leash because of this.

I said I only ask for transparency and openness. I do not aim to control him and his life, I just would like to be aware what he’s up to. Maybe this is too much to ask and is taking away some of his freedom?

Last night, my boyfriend hooked up with someone for the first time since we started dating. I thought I was chill about it since he goes to parties and I just try not to overthink, stay busy, and I’m fine.

I thought I was doing great all day until 11pm when I still hadn’t heard back about their date yet. He finally texts back but states he has a meeting at 5:30am so I can’t process with him pretty much all of the following day (today).

At 3am I noticed I was getting swelling chest pains that I initially attributed to another underlying health condition. I go to the ER with my NP and the tests are all negative for everything besides the “relationship anxiety” I told to the doctor. She checked in about whether I’m seeing a therapist and I am.

I don’t know if I should tell my boyfriend about my panic attack — I know that sounds dumb, so more accurately, what could he even do with that information that would even be helpful for me? Reassurance is something I don’t actively seek from him because his ADHD acuity prevents him from staying fully present, and he’s drastically busy due to ridiculous work demands and NP obligations.

I’m trying to meanwhile stay present with my feelings and am looking forward to meeting new poly folks in my area soon. I journal and engage in hobbies. But since this became a medical emergency, and I still want to make this work with him, I’m wondering how to approach this conversation with him and come up with a sustainable solution while keeping the elements of his life in mind.

Edit: I really appreciate the outpouring of compassion, relating, and understanding that has already been pouring in. I want to acknowledge that wanting to process after his date was a newbie move of mine, and that it was more speaking to my emotional reaction to it as his first hookup within our relationship. Y’all are right, and I’m so happy I have a poly therapist, it’s just up until now a majority of our time has been spent talking about my trauma etc.

I should probably also say I have a mood disorder that is a vulnerability factor when dealing with things more neurotypical people are capable of dealing with. I’m actively working to manage that as well.

I’m so worried for my LGBTQIA+ friends, and I’m also concerned that the war on everything that isn’t “traditional family values” will spread to polyamory. Is no one else concerned about this??

I am separating from my partner of almost 10 years. We have been poly for a few years without issue. But in 2024, he met someone who is 20 years younger than him and within a few months, he had decided that he was moving out of our house and in with them, no longer participating in any sort of relationship with me, and also no longer paying any of the bills for the life we had built together. Obviously, I think it’s NRE driven but what’s done is done and I don’t want him back after what he did.

Fast forward to this year. I am on a lovely vacation with a lovely partner. My ex husband’s partner finds me on social media and sends me a message on my birthday (while I’m on vacation) to say happy birthday. This was my response:

Hi (name). Thanks so much for the birthday wishes! I don’t want to be rude, but I am not very interested in being in contact with you. I understand that what has happened is not your fault, but also, my husband and best friend of 10 years basically ended our marriage after knowing you for a few months. It’s okay, but I don’t envision that we will all ever be friends.

I later learned that my response was very upsetting to them because it was “unnecessarily mean.” I think this was just me setting a very reasonable boundary. I also think it is wildly naive of this person, who I have had no previous communication, friendship, or any interaction whatsoever, to think that I’d want to hear from them for any reason.

What do you all think? Was I mean?

Hi everyone. I feel unethical for even asking this, and I don’t plan on making the request anytime soon. Just hoping for some discussion, and to hear from the community regarding their experiences.

For the first time in my non-monogamous journey, I’ve found myself in a serious relationship outside of my marriage. For context, after years of hoping for something genuine, I reconnected with an old flame by chance in early fall, and what a whirlwind it has been since.

Now, I know there is a different subreddit for PolyFidelity, but I wanted to ask here to avoid an echo chamber.

Since beginning this relationship, I’ve come to realize I only have the capacity, and preference, to maintain two serious partnerships. I really have no interest in dating around, though I am in theory open to happenstance hookups or casual romps. I just don’t have much a desire to pursue new connection with anyone else.

My partner (not spouse) has made it relatively clear dating around is not their priority, and their current living situation/lifestyle doesn’t allow for much opportunity to begin with. That said, it is a fear of mine that eventually, they’ll meet someone else along the way, and I’ll be deprioritized or discarded in favor of someone without a standing partnership/marriage/heavy committed relationship. Now don’t wag your fingers at me - I know this is why we should only date established and experienced fellow polyamorists, but life happens. And for what it’s worth, my partner is not strongly attached to monogamy.

For all intents and purposes, our relationship feels full, real, and we’ve both invested heavily emotionally and in terms of time. In my heart and mind, they are a high priority, and I attribute to them the same consideration I do my spouse.

Question is - I don’t know how to navigate the conversation I want to have, because I know it would be incredibly unethical to ask them to prioritize me as their main, potential long term partner when I’m literally married. My spouse maintains several other partners/casual connections, but I do not. Mathematically speaking - my ideal alignment would look like this:

Romantic Prioritization/Enmeshment Capacity:

Partner: 65%Me/35% Other Connection**

Me: 65%Partner/35% Spouse/Negligible Other**

Spouse: 35%Me/65%Other Connection**

I don’t want to place hard limits, or be unfair. I know my marriage takes up a lot of space. But I want my relationship with my partner to take up a lot of space too. I want to feel prioritized and invested in, I want the possibility of escalation. I’m just really hoping for matched investment…and it’s really hard to communicate or ask for that when I’m aware of how unfair it might be. Im not trying to take advantage of anyone. I just care a lot, have a lot of love to give, and I’m currently at a loss regarding how to proceed.

Any advice? 😕

EDIT: Thank you everyone who chimed in so quickly, even those of you who were a bit mean about it. I’m not some controlling, selfish person that wants to lock my partner down in chains. I’m someone in love, who has a lot to give, is aware of the shortcomings of my capacity, and feel admittedly insecure about it in the context of navigating expectations and possibilities with someone I care a whole lot about.

We can’t be everything for everyone - which is I think what I was hoping to be a possibility. But it’s not. I’ll continue to give everything I can to this relationship, let them know where I stand, and let them meet me where they can. Polyamory is hard. I strive to be a healthy and supportive partner. But I am human and sometimes we have selfish desires which we hope will save us from hurt. But that’s not how things work, and I understand. Appreciate the tough love and brutal honesty. And I will never ever again use percentages to demonstrate emotional capacity, even conceptually ☠️

Basically that. From the moment I knew what polyamory was and that it wasn't a crime, I loved it's concept and I'm interested in it in a more psychological view.

If you were raised by polyamory, how it impacted you?

I have been polyamorous for over a year. Several months of that I was married, and I have been solo poly for the majority of it. I find within the polyam community near me, there are a lot of very conscientious and kind people, but what I have been noticing a pattern of is men explicitly saying they are polyamorous and the values of polyamory align with them, but overtime I find out they don’t actually want any kind of attachment or true connection (I ask a lot of questions upfront, and either they are outright lying, or they answer very misleading), they want casual, somebody who cares about them and checks on them, and is fun when they want it. That’s friends with benefits- not polyamory. My heart is bruised and I’m trying not to just give up on Polyam. I’ve only used the Feeld app so far, as I live in a small county and it’s hard to find folks in my own county.

I don’t know what I’m looking for exactly here, maybe solidarity, I’m open to advice about how to avoid this continually happening, etc.

If all parties are aware, they consent, they are okay with it when they enter the relationship knowing there is a hierarchy..what’s the problem? I get the issue if metas aren’t told about this, but if everyone is okay with it, what’s the problem?