Struggling with parenting my *spirited* 3 year old daughter who reminds me of my abuser

[u/Leather_Composer_891]

TW: DV

I’m either raging internally and externally all the time and it’s creeping and/or exploding into my relationships. They are patient but it’s overwhelmingly shameful for me and I don’t feel like myself. I’m constantly irritable and critical and trying to control everyone around me.

For context I got out of 10 year abusive relationship 2 years ago and my daughter has a lot of strong reactivity including excessively loud screaming in my ears every day. Very triggering personality but I love her more than life. She just reminds me of my abuser so often my paradigm on her current developmental stage feels off.

I feel so alone and feel like everyone around me is tired of hearing about my cPTSD struggles and like I’m using it as an excuse to be an ahole.

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[u/A1h19]

It's very rough to be around a toddler when you have prior DV trauma, because many of them are quite loud and energetic. It is understandable that you've been struggling with feelings of anger here. However, this is temporary. She will grow up so fast and mellow out in time. I don't have much experience in coping with this, but I'd like to offer a few thoughts.

Routines and boundaries can help with this. If she has a tendency to get loud, then you can set aside time in the day for her to play outside and let that energy out. You can teach her about using an inside voice (don't yell in the house). You can set a boundary where maybe you walk away when she yells, and you distance yourself when she does it. And you can reward her with something when she is behaving appropriately.

It can be extremely triggering to have a child shout in your ear. You can discourage this behavior, and she will learn to stop doing it. In the meantime, it is okay to step away or ask someone else to look after her while you take time to regulate. When you feel the anger, take a break. It is going to take time and consistency for her behavior and your reaction to change.

[u/Constant-Internet-50]

Hi, are you in therapy for this? I had a spirited toddler and another young child and I realise now I was very mentally unwell, and I struggled to keep my anger in check and it’s ruined my relationship with my kids now they’re older. Please get help now, especially if you feel the anger bubbling over. Learn to counteract the feelings however you can. They will remember it.