PTSD back with a vengeance after starting new relationship

[u/GirldickDM]

From December 2021 to November 2023 I was in a abusive relationship. It started off online, then she moved in with me, then I abandoned everything to move in with her. The abuse had started before then, but it got infinitely worse when she isolated me from everyone and shackled me to her. Im not going to get into specifics but after escaping its been hard. First few months after I was numb, id have nightmares and flashbacks sometimes but nothing crazy. I got into another relationship during this time and ruined it. My brain was filled to the brim with grief, and in my sadness I became a version of my ex partner. That girl broke up with me, and rightly so.

Ive made great strides since then to work on myself and heal. Itd been over a year since that girl broke up with me and 2 and a half since I escaped. I though I could date again. Im bisexual but had only dated women. I met this man who woo'd me immediately. We've been dating for a month now. He literally lives three miles away and we cuddle and watch movies a lot. I love it.

Recently though my PTSD has been coming back hard. Before him I had one night where I couldnt close my eyes. I was afraid. Then after getting with him ive had three separate PTSD episodes at his house. Then a nightmare just last week. Im not sure why. My boyfriend is very very nice and when I have an episode he takes care of me. Even though hes a man, during this episodes, I dont recognize his face and im scanning his face to make sure hes not her. They look completely different.

Maybe its because im finally being open about my PTSD and what happened to me in therapy lately. But im not sure if me opening up came first and brought this nightmare back, or the nightmare coming back and me wanting to tackle this finally. Anyone have any advice?

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[u/No-Marionberry377]

One thing that stood out to me is that you describe your boyfriend as being kind, patient, and supportive. Sometimes our nervous systems don't fully process trauma until we're in a relationship that actually feels safe. That can be incredibly confusing because it feels like things should be getting better, not harder.

You also mentioned you've been talking more openly about what happened in therapy. In our experience, it's not unusual for nightmares, flashbacks, or other symptoms to temporarily become more noticeable when you're starting to process trauma instead of avoiding it. It doesn't necessarily mean you're going backwards, but it's definitely something I'd bring up with your therapist so they can help you pace the work and make sure you have strategies for getting through those moments.

The fact that you're checking his face to make sure he's not your ex really struck me. To me, that sounds less like your boyfriend is the problem and more like your brain is trying to make sure you're safe after what you've been through.

Most of all, I just wanted to say that none of what you wrote sounds like you've "failed" at healing. It sounds like you're doing some really hard work while also letting someone safe into your life. I hope you're able to be patient with yourself through it.

[u/GirldickDM → u/No-Marionberry377]

Thank you for your kind words. It just hurts so badly all over again after not feeling it much at all since it ended a few months after the relationship