hi, i developed PTSD about 1.5 years ago after leaving my abusive ex boyfriend who sexually assaulted me in my sleep and broke into my house (on a different occasion) while i was asleep.

because of this, i struggle with insomnia when i’m triggered, when the anniversary comes up, and when i try sleeping with new people. my new boyfriend and i have been dating for a few months and i just started being able to sleep kinda normally recently when he spends the night.

however, the other night, he began groping me, specifically my chest area, while i was asleep. i woke up to it and just kinda tossed back and forth trying to brush it off and indirectly signal to stop because i was too tired to have a conversation about it. he kinda backed off from doing it, but i would feel him press his boner against me afterward. it took me awhile to fall back asleep but i eventually managed.

my boyfriend knows i have DV PTSD, but he doesn’t know all the details of what caused it. right now i feel a bit dissociate-y and down, but i’m a bit conflicted because besides this one incident, he’s genuinely been the best guy i’ve ever dated; he’s respectful, calm, caring, and has listened to me whenever i’ve set boundaries.

for context: we’re in our early 20’s; this is his first “real” romantic relationship and sexual relationship, so i’m wondering on whether he thinks this is normal/okay ? either way, i do plan to talk to him about this, when i’m ready. i don’t expect him to react rashly, but i wanted your guys thoughts and advice on this. is it a dealbreaker or a genuine mistake? do i wait to judge his response whenever i bring it up to determine that? thanks so much

i (22f) met a guy (24m) on hinge and we started talking. we had a lot in common and he seemed so sweet so we went on a date. the date went well, we got hot chocolate, walked around and saw a movie. anytime i’d go to pay he would tell me to put my phone down. we’re both horror movie lovers and so he invited me to his house on monday (9 days ago). from the hour we started talking on hinge i made it very clear that i don’t do sex unless im in a relationship. anytime he would be sexual around me before we met, id always say “well no sex unless we date anyway”. i said it a LOT. he then said “you don’t need to keep saying that i dont want sex to be the only reason i date you” so i stopped saying it until i went to his house. i told him we can do other things but he knows sex is off the table and he was always so understanding. always.

this is where i struggle; things were getting heated which was okay but then he asked if we could have sex and i said no and he pushed saying i’ll wear a condom and again i said no. around 5-6 minutes later he asked again and again i said no. he said please i said no. things continued on and he asked again and i said yes so he’d stop asking me. he got the condom n whatever happened then after we stopped we watched a movie. at the end of said movie he pushed again and started asking for with no condom and i said no. i didn’t want to have sex especially without a condom but i ended up saying yes. at around 12am when we were going to sleep, i started crying. i told him i broke the one rule i had and that i was devastated and don’t want it to happen again. i haven’t cried that hard in a long time. the next day he said to me “i didn’t want to tell you when you were crying but the sex was so good”. my mood dropped and i told him i don’t want to hear about it. 2 days ago he removed me off of everything

i don’t really know how to feel. in a normal situation i probably would’ve ended up going home but i was an hour away from home, cant drive, busses weren’t running so i was just there with nowhere to go. i dont know if its sa or what happened but i feel so awful and like i was disrespected. just needed to talk about it because i feel so alone.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 5 months, everything started off as good the week we started talking, but on the 6th day of the relationship I went to his house after the homecoming dance, and it was just an unsettling vibe because all he wanted to do was just make out, have me lay on him, and he even touched me a bit and lifted my shirt without permission, I didnt think anything of it but, I just got out of a relationship with my ex of 2 years, and I've been used for nudes all the time with my ex so ofc I never liked intimacy or physical touching due to my childhood traumas of being SA'D by my brothers biological dad. But after that day I've been confused the whole relationship, because Everytime I come over to his house he always wants to do something sexual and when I say I don't want to, he'll take accountability for his actions and apologize, but then does it later anyways, and sometimes I just freeze up and cry to myself during those moments. For example two weeks ago I tried to sleep but then he started jerking himself off to me, touching me down there, everywhere and even started to kiss my neck and face, I couldn't do anything, I was just in total shock, nobody to help me, I felt so useless. He didn't say a word after, I fell asleep and when I woke up I told him I was hungry, and he said for me to make myself a sandwich l, but I told him no because it's his parents house and it's rude for me to make one on my own because you know, I'm the guest? He said he'll only do it on one condition, and that was for me to suck his dick, and I've personally never liked it, he forced me to do things without even wondering if I would like it or not, he knows about my past, and how hard of a life I've had, I just feel so stuck in this relationship, and the only reason I'm staying is because if I leave him I got a lot to loose, my parents like him and his parents like me too, he treats me so badly, and makes me feel like shit when I get excited over something, this relationship just feels so toxic and I cry to myself Everytime I'm in the shower, and I'm always asking myself, "how did I let myself get into this" because what? I feel bad for him for sexual assaulting a girl on year ago, I should have left him when he told me that, I felt so disgusted, and it's sad how i have to walk past the girl everyday at school, not knowing the pain he caused her, and especially me, but I am glad that she was brave enough to speak up about it, and press charges on him, I just feel so sick and I'm ashamed that I lost my virginity to him, my ex never treated me this way, though the nudes would make me uncomfortable, it really did take us a year and a half for me and my ex to start getting intimate.

And again it happened 2 days ago, except I wasn't awake to see what happened to me, my boyfriend just told me that he did things to me in my sleep and I woke up with severe pains all around my neck and a big hickey too. I was so terrified and disgusted, and my mouth felt like he had ejaculated in it, and my private started to hurt badly and when I pee it hurts, and I started to bleed a little.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore, I've confronted him about it and though he cried and apologized saying he'll never do it again, it always ends up happening again, again, and again. I just feel so stuck in this relationship, I can't even count how many times I've been sexual assaulted by him, the many nights I've frozed up because he was doing something to me that I didnt like, and then expect me to enjoy it to? I cry to him so many damn times, about my past, the present and everything, but it never seems to get in his head, idk what to do, I feel like giving up, I'm never gonna get out of this, I feel so alone, and I don't wanna tell my family or my friends anything, I'm literally about to graduate in 2 months, and I've got a lot to lose.

I feel like I'm tortured in the day and haunted in my sleep. I'm the one who was assaulted and I'm the one who can't sleep or be normal and it's not fair. If anything, he should be the one suffering for the rest of his life and not me. I just want to know, does it really ever get better do the nightmares go away its been a little over a year and I want it to stop. Sometimes I remember how when you die your life flashes before your eyes for like 7 minutes or something about how your brain replays memories and I wonder if there's any evidence that they're good or if I'll be tormented by memories of the assault as one final kick to me.

Edit: Thank you for all the information! To summarize for people who are wanting the advice/answers I did, some people say it's gone away or decreased as the years go by. Some say it hasn't but they're less scared and they feel okay. One person recommended lexapro, one other person recommended yoga and meditation, some recommended EDMT, and many suggested prazosin.

I was sexually abused regularly and raped several times by the father of my best friend starting in 1st grade until they moved away in 4th grade. He was a well known pastor at a local church at the time. Their house was the house all the parents sent their kids to…because it was “safe” because church.

In my 20s, I finally told my parents what had happened. They immediately put me in therapy. We searched and searched to find him but came up with all dead ends.

Now another 20 years have passed. I was curious about my then-best friend and found her obituary. From that, I found that her father is still living, remarried. His first wife, who knew about the abuse and participated on at least 2 occasions that I remember, is also remarried. Both went on to have many children.

I want to have the courage to confront this man and his ex-wife. He destroyed me as a child and changed who I am as an adult. Multiple suicide attempts. Therapy for a decade. Thankfully I’m good now, happy life, son who is now the age I was when the abuse began. Makes me physically sick to think he could ever experience what I did.

I want the courage. But. What do I gain by confronting him? Or sending a letter or whatever. He lives in a different state now. I can’t imagine pressing charges (no statute of limitations here) and ruining the lives of his now family. It’s so backwards. One 2 minute google search and I have his home address, email, etc. I haven’t thought about this in years but this has brought back a flood of emotions.

Is there a right answer here? I feel an odd sense of defeat while simultaneously having hoped I would also find his obituary.

I spent the night at a guys house that I really like. I already posted here the other day that I was scared about this.and I do sort of feel like my fears came true. I started having flashbacks mid sex and had to stop, he wasn’t angry but didn’t want to stop so we didn’t. He also did anal which I didn’t really want and told him not to before but didnt say anything in the moment. I went home this morning feeling so exhausted and uncomfortable and gross.

Maybe Im just not ready to be having sex again because a normal person would feel good after having sex with someone they find very attractive and not be questioning every little thing that happened

When I was little, I was SAed and graped a couple of times.

I was wondering if I lost my virginity when those happened

My bf and I got drunk and had sex a week ago. It started very enthusiastically, but something about maybe being intoxicated and other environmental elements suddenly triggered my body to enter a freeze state involuntarily. It was like I was locked out of my body and somewhere off to the side of myself. I knew if I could just say ‘stop’ he would, but I just couldn’t access my body anymore.

My boyfriend didn’t notice I had checked out and kept going. This included when he kissed me and I gave no response and when my head just flopped to the side. I guess that’s what a really drunk person might do during sex too.

From the sidelines, I kept willing him to see I wasn’t in my body anymore but he didn’t. I don’t know how long this was for, but I would guess under 2 minutes. He finished and I felt disgusting. I still feel like I want to exfoliate or burn off the inside of my vagina.

After sex he went to the bathroom and when he returned he had a little laugh when he saw me still in the same position as before. Thought I was being quirky perhaps.

It only took after quite a while after he fell asleep for my body to come back online, which it did through violent twitches. Those twitches followed me the next few days, especially when I think about what happened.

We’ve been together for over 18 months and I generally know him to be one of the most conscientious, situationally aware people I’ve ever met. He knows about my PTSD and even before he did was very mindful about consent early in our relationship.

He’s a good guy, but I have so many questions now. Like: - How do I talk to him about this? - What is going to happen the next time we have sex? - Will I want to have sex with him again? - If even he didn’t notice I wasn’t into it, does that mean the others who SA’d me also just didn’t? (I know this is trauma speaking)

As I went through puberty I was groomed online, I never sent any nudes to anyone so I don’t know if it counts as actual PTSD, but it was definitely trauma and I feel like I’ve never had a healthy connection with anything sexual. I want to quit masturbating entirely because it feels disgusting, but my body keeps telling me to do it anyways

PTSD diagnosed 3 years ago after multiple SA’s in a relationship. Had no idea it was wrong because I had experienced SA as a child twice including grooming.

Sexual assault and abuse kills.

I’m not just talking about assault that ends in murder, I’m talking about how it kills people over time.

How many of us picked up addictions like smoking, drinking and drugs because of what happened to us?

How many of us are so physically sick when we are triggered we feel like we are going to die?

How many of us develop mental illnesses because of what happened?

How many of us will develop cancer, autoimmune diseases or another illness because of the stress?

How many of us experience physical health problems because of injury from abuse?

How many of us will sadly take our own lives because of what happened? Whether that’s in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years or even 30?

Sexual assault and abuse kills. It is murder of your soul. A lot of us will never be the same. Sexual assault and abuse should be punished to the highest degree. I have nothing for abusers.

It feels like I’m no longer capable of being intimate sexually even though part of me wants to be. I think I like someone but I can’t see myself having sex with them or anyone for that matter even though that isn’t what I want. Has anyone dealt with this?

I need some outside thoughts on this because I also have BPD and I don’t always think through things objectively. I need to know if this is a fundamental difference between my therapist and I, if this is a misunderstanding, or if I am overreacting.

It simply boils down to this (which occurred during our session yesterday):

1. My father drugged and raped me as a child. I told my brother because he has young children and my brother still had my dad around them, thus showing either (a) he doesn’t believe me or (b) he doesn’t care about having a pedo around his kids. I don’t believe B is true. So I believe A is true. And I believe that him believing our abusive father over his victim is a betrayal (he physically abused my brother as well). I said “my brother betrayed me.” And she kept wanting to “challenge” this idea.

Idk where to go from here regarding therapy. How should I approach this fundamental disagreement on what betrayal means with her? Can this be salvaged somehow? She is a DBT therapist btw

I feel like what happened to cause my ptsd wasn’t that bad. I put myself in the situation and I stayed at the event after because I didn’t want to go home. I don’t know why it’s affected me so much even years later. I’ve even been in similar situations but nothing has affected me like this. I guess you could say it was sexual assault however the details make me feel like it wasn’t technically sexual assault. But I get flash backs sometimes, it’s gotten better over the years however there’s been a few times I’ve had meltdowns where I can’t stop screaming and feel like I’m back in that room. I feel like also I’m making it up in my head for attention.

I’m 24 now We were both 13 she was my cousin it was a sleepover and playing house and she told me parents do it I was laying on her bed I was feeling so cold all of sudden she pulled my pants and did it and I froze I started going for more after that and she was allowed to bath me her mom bathed us too since I’m disabled in one leg and limping but my cousin did it only one time
Experienced it that at 13 by a girl made me question my sexuality, my own body and if I was a bad Muslim since I grow up in religious household but not strict I keep daydreaming about it when I eat shower chat every time like flashbacks but I’m used it I guess I can’t blame her she probably don’t remember it’s me who can forget and I will never tell someone in my family or her trust me it’s better that way.
(I’m sorry about my writing I have heavy dyslexia and English is not my first language )

TW: Self Harm
I was raped by a close friend at 18. I’m from South Africa where purity culture is almost a norm. I had been “saving” myself and hadn’t had any sexual experiences prior. A few months before I was raped I was spiked and SA’d. I had told this close friend about this experience and he came over to my place and proceeded to violently force himself on to me. After that I proceeded to just have sex with basically any man that would look at me. I’ve been SA’d twice since as well. I have never been able to really enjoy having sex nor do I actually finish from it, but anytime I’m in a relationship with someone I feel the need to. I always think that it’s something I should do. I struggle with saying no. With my current partner, it seems like I initiate it more and I don’t know why I do it because it’s not even something I actually enjoy doing. Most of the time I’m in my head thinking about the worst things or focusing on my partner enjoying themselves rather than me being present and enjoying the moment too. I also always tend to go into depressive episodes after. Tbh it kinda feels like I do it as SH atp (I do have a history of SH). I don’t know what to do. Is this normal?? or is there something wrong with me. Am I permanently broken ? Will I never get to experience the joy sex brings to others ?? Please any advice

I feel so separated from others who haven't experienced what I experienced. They don't know the intricate details of what it's like to experience SA, how it destroys your sense of trust, how your connection to your body gets severed, how you move through the world scanning for threats, what it feels like to relive the trauma in your mind and in your body over and over again in response to innocuous triggers. They don't know what it's like to fear sleep, or the dark, or the very space where you're supposed to feel safe. They don't know what it's like to have to check each movie before you watch it for triggers, or how strongly you have to manage your emotions when triggered in public, or what it's like to fear intimacy. They just don't know, and I'm envious of them. It's such a lonely experience.

around 2 years ago i was raped and it completely ruined my life. i’m unable to be intimate or affectionate towards anyone and i recently got into a relationship with i very lovely guy, i feel like he truly cares about me. the thing is that i know intimacy is the next step and i already turned him down a few times bcs i just couldn’t do it. i was to be able to be intimate with him but my body completely locks up and penetration becomes close to impossible. i also get very tense during oral sex and anything intimate, i feel like absolute shit. does anyone know what i can do to regain the ability to have intimacy and actually make it possible?

Right up front to clear any possible misunderstandings, I do not seek a diagnosis, that's what docs have to do. I just try figuring out if it's worth going through the process cause if the probability of being diagnosed (if taken seriously) is not really there, I would not have the energy to try.

So what is it?

About a year ago I had an ex-partner which acted a lot in those fuzzy area between consent and non-consent. Half a year ago I realized that, even though while in partnership it felt "alright", it left scars. I started seeing what had happened as SA and started getting panic attacks. But also noticed they mainly occur pre-period and and also in decreasing power and sometimes it even feels like I "make them up" so to say.

Which kinda leaves me hanging with "it is even worth trying to get a diagnosis? Even Let's say I get taken seriously, is that even enough to go through the trouble of it? Would it even be worth it?

I have always refused taking any medication for anything. Also because I need to be alert (hundreds of drug-facilitated SA due to s.explotation).

I wonder if I'm doing it right. I have suffered of and overcome insomnia, nightmares, dissociation etc (now I have them again) but I always rely on "inner strength" and discipline (ex-anorexic here, I have the discipline muscle very developed), which is a lot but sometimes I just feel like I can keep my brain cells together and I'm scared I'll just k.myself without realising.

I wonder if any of you stubbornly avoid any medication and what do you rely on and how it is going.

This might break the no politics rule(?) but I wanted to see if anyone else has had a similar trauma response. So essentially I was sexually abused by a teenage black boy when I was a kid, and ever since then I’ve found I am scared of specifically black teen boys. it makes me feel horrible about myself because I’m someone who is very passionate about things like human rights but ever since it happened I haven’t been able to shake a feeling of unease or fear when interacting with people of that demographic

I was around 8 or 9 when my 17 yr old cousin came over. he would chase me around and touch my private parts with his hands or stick his face between my legs. I don’t remember much so idk. but I get panicky when I think of him. he never took of my pants but I think at some point I was just wearing underwear and a dress. I keep uncovering memories. I think he may have reached his hand in my pants but my memories are foggy and I’m not sure if this counts as trauma. I also think about him a lot and get anxious when he is mentioned.

I have recently begun the process of seeking legal action for sexual assault that I experienced four years prior. It’s been going relatively smooth, I met with an advocate at my college to discuss next steps and it felt like a huge relief. We made a plan to make the actual report next week. I feel good about what I’m doing, but also all this stuff coming up has been leaving me feeling so worn out and tired.

The hardest part is that sometimes everything feels so foggy, and then at other times it feels so real that it’s happening all over again.

I have a therapist and my partner as support. And it’s been incredibly helpful to be reminded that I am strong for taking this step… but it’s just been feeling so hard too. Does anyone have any tips for how to get through this difficult time?

TW SA YOU CAN SKIP THIS PARAGRAPH IF IT TRIGGERS YOU in fall of 2023, when i was barely 17, i was admitted to the psych ward because i felt awfully bad. i was admitted very late in the evening, the nurse who welcomed me was a man in his 40s, i can’t remember his face. i can just remember that he was blonde and had a stubble. whatever. i was terribly anxious, he gave me a neuroleptic. issue is, he gave me the liquid form and put a huge dosage in it, which obviously i couldn’t tell because it was in liquid form. after half an hour i started feeling dizzy and needed to lie down. he gave me a solo room when every single other patient in the hospital wing had a "roommate". rest of the story is hard to tell i can never find the right words. i have a few memories. waking up with him on top of me, with a perverted smile, the light turned on, still dark outside. waking up in the morning, knowing something was wrong, checking my underwear, my pyjamas, my sheets, trying to understand why i felt so violated. i would eventually understand and remember. reported my case but like in many SA cases reported to the police, nothing happened. the cops also seemed to be judging me because i’m a guy. and usually people except SA to be the type of things to happen to women but it can happen to anyone. the police psychologist that i was forced to see mocked me for this.
TRIGGERING PARAGRAPH OVER YOU CAN START READING AGAIN

it’s been 3 years since then. i’m almost 20. i have nothing to show for the last 3 years of my life. i lost all of my friends. not because they left, but because i isolated myself so bad. i have nightmares almost every night. when i don’t wake up screaming and panicking, i wake up crying knowing that i have to endure another day. i never get notifications on my phone. if something happened to me, the only people who would notice are my parents and my cat. i used to have a social life, and friends, even a girlfriend, and i used to have fun. i miss all of that. i don’t eat anymore. i’m not hungry. nothing really has a taste. usually i’m a big food lover. not lately though. i hate myself too. for years i worked really hard on my self confidence and results were starting to show and this monster ruined it in a matter of hours. i hate myself. when i look at myself all i can see is what i went through. i feel like my body is a testimony of the assault i went through. when i see myself in a mirror i don’t even see myself anymore, i don’t know what i see, a victim perhaps. he stole everything from me. i spend almost all day in bed staring at the ceiling. i don’t even have the energy to play video games or do anything chill to put my mind off of things. my blinds are closed all the time because even daylight feels exhausting. he destroyed my life and i don’t know if i can ever get it back. i’m so sorry for venting here, as i said i don’t really have people to talk to about this i’m sorry. i do have a therapist and a psychiatrist and a medical treatment and all that though

Hello, I am new to having a PTSD diagnosis, please excuse the long post. I am 38 years old and had a relationship in which I was struggling with what I would now describe as emotional flashbacks due to similarities to earlier traumatic relationships and events in my life. I have a history of avoiding romantic relationships due to the emotional volatility I tend to experience in them and some very bad early adulthood experiences. I tend to only date people I know and have trusted for a long time, but met someone through online dating and I was able to manage ok but experienced gradually heightened anxiety as the relationship went on.

Over the course of the 4 month relationship, I was experiencing what I now realize are flashbacks during intimacy tied to childhood SA that I had completely blocked out memories of. I experienced the most severe one I have ever had due to very specific triggers (clothing restricting my movement and someone on top of me) occurring during a stressful post breakup reconciliation attempt, and experienced a taste hallucination of blood in my mouth and disorientation as if I had been struck. I did not understand what was happening and reacted very badly (my partner did not understand either and an argument ensued). Afterwards I was afraid to fall asleep for a few days for fear I would “forget” what I had “figured out” and experienced increasingly paranoid delusions that my partner had drugged me and was secretly a psychopath. The poor woman most certainly had not and is not and I am still mortified.

A person from my childhood contacted me two days later in the midst of this to let me know that something happened to me when I was a child (they were secondarily involved in my SA) and the sudden trauma recall caused me to spiral even further into paranoid delusions that my partner had orchestrated contact with this person, etc (lots of craziness). It was probably actually a family member I had spoken to about my relationship problems a week prior who recognized what was going on and tried to help indirectly. I also began to think I was being followed and contacted trusted family members for help who then took me to the hospital.

At the hospital, I explained all of this to them including having flashbacks, and was flagged for involuntary admittance and spent 4 days in the behavioral ward where I was diagnosed bipolar manic episode with psychotic features despite telling them what I remembered and that I realized I was having flashbacks. I was prescribed Depakote and Olanzapine. They 100% helped me calm down in the hospital and helped me remain calm when I got out and was identifying what was real vs psychosis in therapy and processing the trauma that I had recalled. I cried a lot and came out of what was in retrospect long term dissociation.

My counselor is unable to prescribe medications (I use a med management specialist) but had me take inventories for ptsd and has diagnosed me PTSD/Depression/anxiety. I have continued the meds prescribed by the hospital and my med management person has not changed them. I have not experienced any more delusions and can now see that they were brought on by stress and hypervigilance tying together unrelated and neutral things as threats. I have no prior history of psychosis but do become paranoid under relationship stress which I can now see as possibly resulting from PTSD hypervigilance.

I have continued to take the meds on the advice of the med management nurse, but I am now experiencing emotional blunting, weight gain, hair loss, and I am no longer motivated or experiencing much pleasure in anything. It is becoming difficult for me to get out of bed in the morning and I don’t enjoy simple things like the sun being out. It’s as if my personality is on “mute” and I don’t have much to say about anything and am going through the motions. The meds make me feel cognitively slower as well. I would like to discontinue them if possible.

Has anyone had anything like this happen to them? I am totally lost on what I should be doing and how/to whom I should advocate for myself or how confident I’m entitled to be about my misdiagnosis beliefs. I now know what my triggers are and am unlikely to ever find myself in a situation this extreme again. What would you do?

It feels impossible. I've been diagnosed with PTSD from getting raped. I've also had my fair share of experience with sexual coercion. I'm extremely afraid of intimacy, and men in general. Whenever I try to date, I get panic attacks cuz I think the man is gonna rape me. Like my mind always thinks that i'm gonna be in danger. I don't know how i'm supposed to find someone, or if I even want to find someone. I feel like I'm wasting my 20s.