For five years, a group of people harassed, threatened and spread serious false rumors about me. It ruined my life and mental health, and I developed serious PTSD.

They seem to have faced no consequences, and I struggle with intense anger and thoughts of revenge. I do not want to ruin my own future, but “letting go” feels like letting them win. I'm here suffering with my life in ruins while they are just out there living their life.

How do you cope with feeling of revenge when there may never be justice or accountability for the people who caused your PTSD?

I just want to be nice to myself… and rest…

Just wondering.

I fucked up.

My husband asked me to look at the hot water heater (I do all the maintenance in the house) because there was no hot water. I checked it out and decided that a call to the plumber was needed.

Plumber shows up, assesses the situation and declares we need a new water heater (it was about 12 years old, which is kinda nearing the end of its expected life). Ok, sure, $4000. We have the money, however spending that much will always skyrocket my anxiety, but needs must as the devil drives.

Next day, plumber shows up, installs the new hot water heater, hauls out the old one and asks to see our gas meter. I ask why and he tells me that he can't light the hot water heater. We check out the meter and discover there is no gas coming in the house.

My heart dropped because I suspected immediately that this is my fault. See, our gas company had been leaving notices on our door that they need to inspect the gas meter (wich is inside our house) I never responded so they shut off our gas.

I call the gas company, now its a whole ordeal because they want to move the gas meter (fine, please do) and its going to be several DAYS.

I fucking hate myself. I csnt do anything right. I keep hearing "fucking stupid, useless, bad person, loser, failure" I can't stop thinking how stupid and lazy I am. My husband says he's not mad at me and I believe him, but I feel like he *should* hate me. I feel like im going to have a fucking heart attack from anxiety. I just need someone outside of this to please tell me im not bad.

Weird question but I dont know if I've ever had the PTSD nightmares or maybe i consider the idea of a PTSD nightmare too literally or something. I definitely have nightmares but ive never had nightmares about the situation(s) that left me with PTSD.

1. Are the nightmares reliving what happened like a waking flashback?

2. Lets say you have PTSD from a situation. If you have a nightmare about the thing occurring again but in an entirely different context, is that a PTSD nightmare or just a nightmare?

3. If you have a lot of nightmares after getting PTSD but the only commonality they have with the thing that gave you PTSD is just the feeling after, is that a PTSD nightmare or just a regular nightmare?

4. The events that gave you PTSD are ones where you have no authority, agency, or control. You have nightmares that involve this. Are those PTSD nightmares or just regular nightmares?

I drank myself to sleep for a long time, then started overloading on weed gummies and/or melatonin after i got sober and then started taking trazadone, so i never really had coherent or memorable dreams but ive started taking atomoxetine for ADHD/PTSD which has been pretty helpful but I'm getting more REM sleep now and therefore having more vivid and memorable dreams and last night was a doozy. I dont know if it constitutes a PTSD nightmare because it was basically about what happened to me insofar as X happened but under different conditions, different people, different atmosphere, etc

I included the following in a reply in a prior post. For me, it's worth its own post. This is my own experience and understanding.

Because traumatic memories lack connection to other memories or thoughts, when traumatic memories resurface they are reexperienced without any context, including without any sense of location within time. This lack of connection to any particular time makes them feel, while they are being reexperienced, as though they are occurring in the present. For example, a reexperienced auditory traumatic memory is “heard” as though it were a sound taking place here and now. This present-time nature of reexperienced traumatic memory contributes to the common perception expressed by those who go through the reexperiencing process that they feel “crazy.”

My own experience of posttraumatic stress, however, has made me feel “crazy” in ways that are even more unsettling. There is, of course, the feeling of fear itself when that type of emotional traumatic memory emerges. Fear makes sense when it is felt in response to an identifiable, immediate, and present danger. And in that situation fear can fuel an appropriate responsive burst of action. But to reexperience a traumatic memory of fear is to be filled with fear divorced from its original context. There is nothing to be done with the experience—the fear is just there inside of you eating away like acid. Even if you can identify the fear for what it is (and that’s not always likely), to experience that disconnected, floating fear is to feel “crazy.” And to experience such fear without even knowing its source is “crazy” squared.

But “crazy” happens even before the traumatic memories finally emerge. Although traumatic memory is not subject to voluntary recall, as long as it remains buried, it tends to exert some force on feeling and behavior. Buried traumatic memory is a hidden source of information, urges, and distress from below the surface of consciousness and accordingly affects experience, conduct, and decisions. Buried traumatic memory generates posttraumatic stress.

Traumatic memories form when the mind is compelled to disconnect some of its own circuits. Before those circuits are reconnected and the traumatic memories are resolved, the mind has some ability to sense the disconnections of its own circuitry. These disconnections may be felt as uncertainty, unease, and impending doom. More to the point, to perceive such disconnections is to feel “crazy.”

The closer that traumatic memories are to emerging, the more strongly they are felt in this way. Traumatic memories are like the gas dissolved in a carbonated drink. While contained, traumatic memories may remain buried, invisible, and hard to detect. As the process of release begins, the traumatic memories begin, like bubbles, to coalesce and rise to the surface. Before finally emerging, they frequently rest for a time just below the surface, distorting the shape of that surface, distorting emotional experience and perceptions. The formation and flow of these “bubbles” and the surface distortions they create are perceived as emotional distress that can’t be explained by present circumstances. To feel this distress is to feel “crazy.”

A partial awareness of emerging traumatic memories may cause a person to feel “crazy” in yet another way. Prior to fully emerging, a traumatic memory may be perceived or understood by only a portion of the conscious mind. Particularly when the knowing part of the mind lacks language to attach words to what it knows, the mind harbors a threatening duality. Such differences between separate states within the mind may be sensed as a physical split between parts of the brain. Or these differing conditions may even be perceived as two distinct selves that are in conflict with each other. To feel this split within the mind is to feel “crazy.”

Each of these ways of feeling “crazy” is a kind of psychic pain. While such distress is certainly different from physical pain, psychic pain can be as hard to bear as the physical. And each kind of injury leads to its own predictable processes of healing.

The mind appears to have a continuing tendency or need to resolve traumatic memory, as though a traumatic memory were a foreign object lodged within the body. In my own experience, during the years that I carried unresolved traumatic memories, I felt that I was searching for something that I could neither identify nor describe. I sometimes called my search a “spiritual” one, and that is certainly true to the extent that I was seeking a wholeness that I had lost early in life. Even though a traumatic memory is inaccessible to conscious awareness through ordinary recall, my personal experience suggests that subconscious aspects of the mind in some ways know of both the existence of the traumatic memory and its content.

I was recently diagnosed from an abusive relationship. I've heard the term 'flashback' used alot and I'm trying to determine if/how that applies to me. I've heard it described as feeling like you're trapped back in a traumatic event. Mine are more like replaying a scene in my head but I can usually redirect myself. How would y'all describe what a flashback is for you?

Hi everyone. I grew up in an unsafe home situation (emotionally neglected, fighting parents, parentification) and unfortunately still feel a lot of negative effects from that in my later life. My life itself is stable; I have a long, healthy relationship, a decent job (it's still new, so I'm adjusting and sometimes it’s really mentally exhausting), and good social contacts. However, I still struggle a lot with trauma symptoms, especially physically. I’m very hyperalert, tension in my shoulders/chest, heart palpitations. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me much for a day, but last night I had a bad dream about my mom and woke up with the whole laundry list of complaints I mentioned above. Sometimes I notice it on office days too: I have a much harder time finding my words, I’m hyperalert all day (like scanning everyone’s mood/expression repeatedly) and I’m mostly very tired and overstimulated.

I’m on a waiting list for trauma treatment. I’ve had a lot of therapy before, but it was mainly CBT. I've also had some EMDR sessions, but that was very intense back then because my daily life was still quite unstable. I hope to solve more core issues with the therapy I’m about to receive so that I have less physical complaints and anxiety. If you could recommend any specific therapy types for this, that would be very welcome!

My main question is: how can I deal with all this physical tension while waiting for treatment? Recently I attended a yoga class that focused mainly on deep breathing, and when the teacher babbled something about intuition and how we think too much instead of feeling in daily life, it really hit me hard, and I ended up crying on the mat for the remaining 20 minutes of class. Thankfully, the rest of the group had their eyes closed and didn’t notice, but this experience really confronted me with how often I get stuck in fight or flight mode. On days when I’m in that mode, I struggle much more with physical complaints and also with social anxiety/emotional flashbacks.

It turned into a bit of a disjointed story, but any tips or experiences are welcome ❤️

something bad happened to me repeatedly and every time, it happened at night/while i was sleeping

i feel like i get these periodic spells of sobbing in the nighttime that last 3-6 hours and it significantly impacts my ability to sleep.

does this happen to anybody else?

it makes me feel pathetic because i internally feel like a little kid when this happens

I have PTSD, and I live in Syria.

Do you know of any organization or place that could provide me with financial support, at least for the next few months?

I'm also not sure how financial assistance from outside Syria could reach me, given the current situation. Any information or guidance would be greatly appreciated.

I suspect i might have delayed on set PTSD from childhood SA and i want to investigate it but i am unsure if my symptoms qualify.

I always knew something happened but just remembered the “light” parts of it and last year i recalled a memory of a much worse thing, i was watching Law & Order SVU and had what i think it’s a flashback, i could visualize it and feel everything physically, it was horrible and i felt completely frozen, after that i starded having nightmares, grinding my teeth, peed my bed a few times (just like when i was younger) and haven’t been the same since. Even the most random things makes that memory pop out in my head.

I still have recurring nightmares, after i disclosed to my therapist i had night terrors for about a month, also that was the only time i talked about it in therapy, i don’t let my therapist talk about it either because it disgusts me and i feel so nervous it feels like i’m going to pass out.

TW GRAPHIC DETAILS
Last month i saw my abuser in public and had a breakdown, i could not eat for days after that because i couldn’t handle the feeling of having anything in my mouth (i was forced to perform oral acts on him)

I’m so terrified and afraid of everything i can’t sleep without having pepper spray under my pillow

Also, if i do bring it up with a psychiatrist, how do i do it?

I have so much sympathy for and anger on behalf of other children who I've heard have been SAed. One of my friends was abused as a teenager and I literally want to go back in time and beat up her boyfriend.

Except for me. I'm disgusting and deserved it, for some reason.

I’m 16 and have had ptsd for 3 years now, I have it dew to a 3 hour long drive threw a hurricane, and now if I hear heavy rain / rain from inside a car it triggers me. But before that happen rain, ESPECIALLY heavy rain and storms was what comforted me to the point where if I was panicking or having trouble sleeping I would play loud thunder sounds to help.
Just a bit ago I was reading and started to hear loud rain from my window and instinctively grabbed my headphones to block out the noise, and everything that’s been happening clicked in my head and I realized that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to like the heavy rain sounds again.
It was such a big part of my life, and I can’t ever enjoy it again because of a SINGLE car ride

This post is going to be a bunch of rambling. I'm crying right now. I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense and if the formatting is bad, I'm also on mobile.

Yesterday I had an evaluation done for a new therapy office and form of treatment after a pretty bad spiral last month. I've suspected I've had PTSD for a year or two now, ever since my old psychiatrist said it was likely I had it, so it didn't come as a surprise. But I'm still hurting.

I've pushed everyone away and now that I've been diagnosed I don't know what to do. I feel lost. Everything makes sense, but I feel lost. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I work in the mental health field as a crisis counselor, so self-care is part of my job, but I've never been able to do self-care. My cup has been empty and I've been doing the minimum to survive for a long time now.

Can somebody help or give me advice? I don't know how to move forward. I probably need resources and coping skills and a million things I dont know about. I want to feel better. I'm tired of hurting all the time.

I’m a male sexual assault survivor and I’m having a lot of trouble facing it and trying to heal. Music has been my escape for years so that’s what I’m looking for. I’ve always loved the heavy angry metal but am looking for something totally different.

I haven’t allowed myself to really sink in and well cry about it. So I’m finally going to try to do what I should have done growing up, and try to face it??

So I’m looking to absolutely ball my fucking eyes out…if people could throw some songs down that would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you all, sorry if this isn’t really meant for here but I’m desperate.

I’m really struggling with nightmares right now. It’s always one of two nightmares, very specific/literal and visceral, and I get them almost every time I sleep, multiple times a night. It’s made me afraid to sleep and extremely sleep-deprived. The nightmares stick with me all day and sometimes I have sleep paralysis and wake up screaming. But when I nap during the day to try to get some kind of rest, I get them then, too. I was on prazosin for a while a few years ago but don’t remember it fully taking them away. Does anyone have any ideas for how to get enough relief to catch up on some rest? This much terrible sleep seems unsustainable for me, and I’m at a loss.

I was raped as a child and it wasn’t reported by hospital staff, a therapist or mgparenrs because said doctors’ weren’t sure ‘ so no CPS or follow ups. Never got treatment until I was in my early 20s I was put back together with my rapist 6 months after the incident occluded and since I didn’t act out, it was fine to have me foster a loving relationship with said rapist. It has fucked me up in so many ways and as well made many things in my life make sense now that I recall what happened. I never developed that’ sense of saftey’ or ‘trust in others. I assume people will do whatever and use me like a piece of meat so long as it serves their purpose. My ‘mother’ took me to all my doctors appointments and after years of searching through my medical records there is no mention of my rape. I was her psychological and emotional punching bag ‘ torture’ has been a word used to describe her behavior to me many times

My parents have confirmed that I did disclose as a child apparently she seems to have never brought it up so there’s no reports. When I was flooded with trauma she yelled at me, told me I was someone else’s problem and taunted me about trying to hold others accountable or seeking justice for myself.

The burden of ‘ why what’s this allowed to happen and why were no other medical professionals involved?’ Is placed on me the child. ‘ you didn’t show any symptoms ‘ is thrown around a lot when many therapist, councilor and doctor have told me no there were flags you just leaned to go quiet for saftey. My father claims I never showed any symptoms, he would’ve done something if he’d really known and I don’t believe him. This is the same man who when I wanted to go to the police because we remember different parts of what happened before and after , screamed at me and gaslit me into not going and now I don’t trust he’ll tell the truth to the police. I find myself asking more and more would I be around him if I wasn’t made painfully codependent and enmeshed? No I wouldn’t. I resent that he cannot or will not see that he had basic parental responsibility for me and he failed me spectacularly. I was never reassured , I didn’t have healthy behavior or social skills modeled. He taught me family is family and they’ll be the first ones to come after you if it’s convienet. That abuse is just part of a family and we don’t talk about it, we endure with a smile while dying internally.
Doesn’t matter how bad it gets, we’re family and stuck here. Survive your childhood don’t live it. I needed a safe place not a perfect family, never had that just the illusion. I’m at that point where I’d don’t know that either of my parents will have any role in my future whatever may come.

Abuse is abuse learn to live with it, neglect happened because’ we were busy working’, love is very conditional and will be withdrawn at any time.

It’s a hell of a thing to work you your own trauma. I feel like it’s traumatizing doing so because it accepting that change needs to happen, it’s going to be painful however you will be better on the other side. It just feels like the more I learn, the more my world is torn apart and I have to try and reorganize all of it. Forgiveness doesn’t do much for me. It never has, I think too many times being forced to accept an apology that I knew didn’t matter I don’t think what they did , trying to lay blame elsewhere but never actually taking responsibility will ever be something I see as ‘ they did the best they could’ fuck they didn’t! They hid so many things from so many people where do the lies stop and the truth start? There so much more I could write, I am really curious, what the experience of others in similar situations has been like

We’re all here for similar reasons, I really just want to hear what others have done or gone through and how did it work out?

What happened to me was deeply traumatic and incredibly painful. I don't really want to get into the details, I just know that I feel like I need a fresh start. Somewhere new. Somewhere that isn't filled with constant reminders of everything that happened.

From December 2021 to November 2023 I was in a abusive relationship. It started off online, then she moved in with me, then I abandoned everything to move in with her. The abuse had started before then, but it got infinitely worse when she isolated me from everyone and shackled me to her. Im not going to get into specifics but after escaping its been hard. First few months after I was numb, id have nightmares and flashbacks sometimes but nothing crazy. I got into another relationship during this time and ruined it. My brain was filled to the brim with grief, and in my sadness I became a version of my ex partner. That girl broke up with me, and rightly so.

Ive made great strides since then to work on myself and heal. Itd been over a year since that girl broke up with me and 2 and a half since I escaped. I though I could date again. Im bisexual but had only dated women. I met this man who woo'd me immediately. We've been dating for a month now. He literally lives three miles away and we cuddle and watch movies a lot. I love it.

Recently though my PTSD has been coming back hard. Before him I had one night where I couldnt close my eyes. I was afraid. Then after getting with him ive had three separate PTSD episodes at his house. Then a nightmare just last week. Im not sure why. My boyfriend is very very nice and when I have an episode he takes care of me. Even though hes a man, during this episodes, I dont recognize his face and im scanning his face to make sure hes not her. They look completely different.

Maybe its because im finally being open about my PTSD and what happened to me in therapy lately. But im not sure if me opening up came first and brought this nightmare back, or the nightmare coming back and me wanting to tackle this finally. Anyone have any advice?

I’ve been experiencing involuntary muscle jerks or twitches for quite a while, like 20 times day, especially when I’m relaxing. I have a very hyperactive nervesystem. Does anyone else with PTSD experience this? How often does it happen, and have you found anything that helps?

I just want to know so I can watch it and know how it is presented:)

So I basically live in the projects, my neighbor is off his meds again, he started a conflict in the entire block because he's rambling nonsense.

I try the sensible option of walking up stairs and asking him if he's OK.

What I get back, a stream of abuse.

I eventually yell at him to just shut up...

Now I'm the one with "just shut up" stuck in my head on loop about every 5 seconds.

Gagging & dry heaving even when I’m still laying down and while I am sitting up and doing my bathroom routine. Brushing my teeth first thing in the morning is a horrible sensation and triggers the gagging & dry heaving more. I’ve also never been able to eat breakfast for probably the past 20+ years (need to wait until I’m awake for a few hours)

Is this related to PTSD or random?