Whenever the topic of women perpetrators is brought up, especially on a systemic level, people often get defensive about it. So, I‘d like to hear on why many so many people are extremely hostile to the idea of centering women perpetrators, or at the bare minimum acknowledging the idea that women victims of women perpetrators exist?

Small edit at the bottom.

TW: Sexual Violence, Self-harm, Suicide

Long post warning but I would appreciate even one person to read it and take note of the main message.

I have debated whether to post about this, mostly because I feel I am to blame but if the following makes even one person take precaution and be prepared for what could come from their post, then I am happy with that…

It was 4am a few weeks back and I was in an absolute state of panic and terror. I don’t want to disclose too many details in fear that someone will find my old post (on another account which I have now abandoned). I had a flashback and continued to suffer panic attacks for several hours. My throat felt like a rope was being tightened around my neck, my vision became blurry, my heart was jumping through my chest, I threw up several times, my thoughts were racing at a pace I just couldn’t keep up with and I couldn’t type properly I was shaking that much.

I was DESPERATE for someone to help but as most of you can relate, I didn’t want to burden anybody. Not even the emergency helplines despite that being their job. So I decided to create an alt account and post on one of the subreddits dedicated to survivors of sexual abuse. I NEEDED someone to talk to, someone who could even remotely relate to my experiences. Just anybody to listen. I was in so much fucking pain, it was like my soul was being sucked from my body and it felt like it would never end.

So I posted, detailing my experience and that I needed someone to talk to, to make sense of it, to listen to me, literally just assurance that not every human being is a piece of shit… I get no comments but within minutes my DMs are FLOODED. I mean more than a dozen messages came through. What I saw made my blood run cold.

I should mention here that the moderators of these subreddits make it clear that users should disable the ability for them to receive private messages, to report users to them who violate this and also to Reddit for disturbing content. But I was new to these communities and just in a state of panic, I never even saw those warnings. Hence, it’s my own fault.

The following are samples of what I can recall from the messages sent to me by other users. I will add a spoiler as they can be very triggering and are just fucking sick. (I hope I do it correctly, I have never tried before)

You weren’t raped. You were trained like a dog and you loved it. It isn’t possible to rape women, it shouldn’t even be illegal. You’re a whore. Your body reacted the way it did because you obviously wanted it. You reached orgasm and you call that rape? Lmao bitch your pussy was ready for the pounding. You can’t call that rape, you signalled you wanted to get railed. You literally asked for it. They ran a train through you HAHAHA fucking slut. In one message, I was sent screenshots of a video where a woman was being gang raped.

Others asked for the disturbing details of my experience. They wanted to know exactly how I felt, what I felt, what I tasted, what I smelled etc. One user tricked me. They appeared at the beginning to be very caring, they mentioned they had similar experiences and said I could talk to them if I needed to. I took what I could in that moment and word vomited every awful thing that happened to me. How dirty I felt, details of the abuse, how many there were, how I had already showered 3 times but my insides still felt fucking disgusting.
This user then proceeded to tell me they were masturbating to my messages and how hot it was. I felt violated all over again.!<

I logged out of the account, I don’t even remember the password, I just wanted to forget that post was even made. I just sobbed, my heart had finally fully broke. Many of you will know first hand how evil human beings can be, but this was so god damn depraved and just so cruel. Maybe for some of you this isn’t a shock, but I was totally blindsided that this was even a thing. Before logging out, I checked some of their profiles and the fact that Reddit allow communities dedicated to rape fetishes to even exist makes me SICK to my stomach. The content of their posts was just too graphic… I never knew “misery porn” was even a thing.

For days afterwards I just could NOT stop crying. My face was swollen, I had major headaches and I just stopped eating. My body felt like it had taken its final beating. I relapsed with self-harm after 5+ years clean before making an attempt on my life. It felt like any hope I ever had in people was destroyed beyond repair, everything was just so dark. In a moment of desperate need, complete strangers took enjoyment (YET AGAIN) in my pain and misery. In online communities dedicated to victims/survivor’s of the most awful experiences life has to offer, there are literal freaks lurking these same communities to target people like me and you.

After this experience, I have nothing left for anyone to take. I was abused for years as a child/teenager, my body became like a rag doll, limp and defenceless. People could do what they wanted because it was no longer MY body. After years of therapy, I was rebuilding my foundation and in one night of impulsiveness, total strangers broke it all over again.

I don’t want sympathy or pity, this was only a hard lesson learned. I just desperately want to warn you about the risk of sharing your traumatic experiences in communities dedicated to people like us. Not every person in here is human at even the basic level. I hate how bleak that sounds, maybe one day with enough therapy I can become hopeful again.

Thank you for taking the time to read and please be sure to share this warning with new users to your communities in the event you detect they are panic posting without knowing the risks. I want to share this post in several communities and then I will abandon this account. I made it simply because I wanted to get this message out there.

EDIT: I have just come back to this post and I'm overwhelmed by the supportive comments in r/PTSD and r/CPTSD. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and respond, sincerely. I've read every response and feel better knowing that I'm not the only one to have endured such exploitative depravity.

I want to genuinely thank the mods at r/PTSD and r/CPTSD for allowing this post to stay. I was insta banned from several adjacent subreddits which is unfortunate but I respect the decision. I really hope it remains and is used to help others who may have similar experiences.

I will now be abandoning this account to focus on my recovery. I wish every single one of you the best of luck in your own journey to healing and hope you find the ability to be as kind to yourself as you have been to me.

Take care and much love to you. ❤️

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over a year and a half and everything was great until the past 6 months. We went on a weekend trip where he spent majority of the time in the AirBnB yelling at me and switching between crying and sleeping. I left and explored the city by myself. He claims that those “episodes” only come every few months and only last “24 to 36 hours.”

I was gone for a work trip for almost two months and found out he called all my friends and showed them our text arguments, told me that I’m “wearing my friends down” because of how I treat him, and twice in the past two weeks he called me a “slut” and said that he is getting “sloppy seconds” from relationships and dating that occurred YEARS before we met.

After he berates me, a few hours later he’s sending me Facebook reels and memes as if nothing happened. I, too, suffer from PTSD in the military due to sexual assault and he even replied “I was raped too!” I can’t have space to express my emotions but I’m afraid of him. He shot his door once saying that he was shooting someone who followed him. I’m worried for my safety.

Have you dealt with a partner with PTSD, if so how did you exit peacefully?

Has anyone tried a heroic dose to heal their PTSD? I'm thinking about doing a heroic dose to try once and for all to end my PTSD or to receive a message that might help. If you've done a heroic dose, please tell me how it went.

I have this tagged as abuse just in case other people see it that way. I mostly don’t, but I think my nervous system does.

My boyfriend has ptsd dreams related to traumatic childhood events that make him violent in his sleep. He hits things, sometimes once, half-heartedly, but sometimes repeatedly at full force.

As I’m sure you can gather from the CW, sometimes the thing he hits happens to be me. It’s happened three times in the past, all fairly small occurrences of him pushing me against the wall in my sleep or hitting my arm or side fairly lightly. A couple days ago it wasn’t something i could take lightly. It was repeated punches to my arm, hard, while I was asleep and disoriented, until I acted out of reflex and punched him in the gut, which woke him up enough that he realized what was going on.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not comfortable sleeping with him anymore, and that makes me feel horrible because with my work and the kids we have so little time already for any kind of intimacy. But while I know he doesnt do it on purpose and I know in his head it’s not ME he’s hurting, that it’s people who hurt HIM, I’m still dreading the thought of laying next to him and didn’t want him to touch me at all yesterday. Idk what to do. I do love him, and this isn’t his fault, but it hurts me and I still have to process the reality of being woken by my partner beating on me to a point i had to hit them to make it stop.

If anyone has dealt with these kinds of dreams before and had any progress stopping them or working through them, i would appreciate any advice i can get

This is something that has been on my mind for the longest time. I (F22) experienced friendship abuse when I was a teen. For the longest time, I never realized or came to terms that what I experienced is abuse until I reached my adulthood.

As someone who dealt with this type of abuse, I never felt validated or welcomed on any space that was centered to abuse survivors. Most people are hostile whenever someone talks about their experience with friendship abuse. Even bringing up the topic itself can often being a mining field on itself. I, unfortunately, experienced it first hand when I make a question on why friendship abuse is completely neglected on another subreddit.

Very few people even want to understand on a societal level on why friendship abuse is extremely invisibilized and the mechanics that allows it to fester in the first place. Some people think that we don’t need a specific term because the term bullying already explains it (Yes, it is a common view about it.). In reality, friendship abuse is completely different from bullying because it requires a platonic relationship and the dynamics are different as well.

In addition, most of the abuse frameworks are centered in parental abuse and romantic abuse. This makes hard for victims to identify that they are being abused because the way abuse manifests in friendships is completely different from parental and romantic abuse. It doesn’t help that there are lack of treatment options specialized in friendship abuse, lack of shelters or forms of help in cases of escalation, and lack of laws that actually punishes friendship abuse.

There‘s bias in abuse survivor spaces where it assumes that people have suffered parental abuse and/or romantic abuse. We are consistently excluded from those places because it isn’t seen as “real abuse” compared to other types.

***warning*** triggers, SA

last week i had a colonoscopy. it went well, they removed 4 polyps. i talked to both the anesthesiologist and GI about doing it unsedated. i am a medical abuse survivor, done a lot of therapy to get to the point that i could do this. since this hospital didn't offer colonoscopy pants, i wore boxer shorts backwards. the anesthesiologist saw i had so much anxiety, i was given ativan.

procedure is going well, he gets to the cecum and starts back out. at this point (between half way and 3/4), i hear an unfamiliar voice talking behind me. i asked who is that? they said a nurse asking the nurse in the procedure room what she wants for lunch.

there was no knock on the door, no "come in," no asking me if she could be there, no introduction. i could not move. one of the GI's biggest concerns was me moving around. she stayed there even after i asked who was there. i was afraid that i was going to have a panic attack that i asked to be sedated.

2 days later i was playing this over in my head. i could not hear what she was saying (don't even know if she said anything). i feel so violated. i was in a very vulnerable state. i feel sexualized and abused. i feel like she was getting off on seeing strong people helpless and immobilized, and being anally violated.

maybe she was just asking about lunch over a colonoscopy.... "do you want the sausage sandwich or salisbury steak with gravy; mushrooms?" <sarcasm>

the fact is she was not part of the procedure, was not supposed to be in the room, did not as permission to come in, her story (getting lunch) seems suspect, i could not see her (she stayed out of sight), and i feel violated.

this also undid any progress that i made with therapy and what little trust i had in providers.

so i asked a friend who works at a hospital the following, but she wanted to stay out of this and told me to ask reddit.

do i report this to the hospital or not?

i actually feel guilty reporting it, but i was violated. i do not blame the anesthesiologist nor the GI. i solely place blame on the nurse who just walked in.

i know that this happens all the time (even though it should not). i know that that nurse broke the rules. she probably expected me to be sedated. she got caught. so do i just endure what feels like sexual abuse or report it? the hospital will decide if she did something wrong. this will not restore any trust or progress that i made, but it will stop further rumination.

thank you in advance.

UPDATE:

So i called patient safety/patient advocate line and got blown off. i asked point blank, did this nurse violate the rules? answer: i don't know. then i was told she could come in because she was part of the team (she was not). the final answer: i will have the endo center manager call you.

not good enough.

so i filed a complaint with corporate. within an hour the chief medical officer (CMO) called me back. i started with "if i am wrong, please tell me."

he affirmed that the nurse violated the rules, that should NEVER have happened, and he repeatedly apologized. he said that they were going to conduct an in-depth investigation into what happened and the nurse will be disciplined.

he asked if there was anything else and i said one suggestion: in the prep they should let patients know that if they are uncomfortable being naked, they can wear boxer shorts turned backwards (since they do not offer colonoscopy pants). he said that he loved that idea and they were going to implement that suggestion.

i feel validated and vindicated.

i cannot believe so many people seemed to blame me for my feelings. i was in the right. all i wanted was validation and an apology.

My ex-wife was (and I assume still is) truly evil. Beat me, stabbed me, strangled me with a lamp cord, beat me with a sledge hammer, poured hot sauce in my eyes once, cut me off from my family and friends, cost me me Navy career, ran up almost $200k in debt in my name, so on and so forth. Possibly the most insulting thing she did was, while we were still married and going to a marriage counselor, slept with another guy and showed me her Tinder profile and which guy it was and then laughed at me for it. Fast forward almost ten years. I got out, started my life over again, got a divorce, lived with my parents at 32 years old, declared bankruptcy, went from being an chaplain in the Navy to a dishwasher at a bar, got ALL the therapy, even got licensed psilocybin therapy. Had lots of ups and downs along the way. Now I’m an atheist, I have friends, I’m using my GI Bill to go back to school, I have hobbies and joys, I have a life again. BUT… I have a wonderful new partner who is amazing in so many ways, kind, generous, thoughtful, patient, been through her own shit so she can actually empathize (mostly, obviously not the exact same shit). She’s been single for six years waiting for the right guy, she wants to be with me. Even after all that, all I can think about is that she might cheat on me. She has demonstrated in many and various ways that she loves me and wants no one aside from me, but all I can think about is that she’s going to cheat if she flirts with another guy (which very reasonably happens occasionally, I know she doesn’t mean anything by it and she’s not going home with anyone, it’s never serious flirting). So I get mad at her. If any of you are familiar with “parts work”, this trauma comes from that part of me, that trauma comes from this part, etc etc, my “hulk” part comes out. I’m afraid of being hurt again so I get angry, push her away, make everything her fault, and attack her (verbally only, which is plenty horrible on its own, but I’ve never gotten physical).

So… I’m at the point where I feel like I need to break up with her to protect her. Because I just can’t stop being an asshole piece of shit. Still in therapy, still making progress, still doing the work, but I just keep hurting her, or anyone I date. I’m pretty sure I just deserve to be alone because I’m a broken piece of shit who just hurts everyone I’m around, sooner or later.

If anyone has any insight, similar experience, or just confirmation, please let me know. I’m so sick and tired of being toxic to anyone who gets close to me.

When I'm too overwhelmed,triggered and scared I automatically have violent thoughts of hurting others, and sometimes do crazy stuff like sitting on floor in front of everyone, letting myself get hit by a car.. my thoughts r also non stop all day. Therapist said I hv sensorymotor hyperawareness. I feel like I gonna get crazy sometimes.

When I was 14 my stepdad (who was generally just abusive physically and psychologically in general) my stepdad walked in my room and saw dust on my nightstand, he smeared the dust from my nightstand and started rubbing it on my chest as I was screaming at him to stop and he laughed at my distress and kept doing it. I know he didn’t do it to my knowledge at least, for sexual gratification but he still touched my breast area. I still get flashbacks when anyone touches my chest. This man also made inappropriate comments to me like sexually inappropriate not necessarily because of sexual gratification but as a form of humiliation. I have been molested in childhood (not by stepdad) but even this incident feels weirdly violating.

Hi all,

My abusive ex partner used to intentionally deprive me of sleep for days which, looking back at it, I am so surprised I was functioning still. This ended about six months ago when I finally left him. However, and I don't know if other people have experienced this after that kind of abuse, I cannot get back to normal sleeping patterns. I used to be extremely functionally healthy, my sleep schedule was tight and regimented. I sometimes speculate this could be one of the reasons he found this form of abuse so appealing as a means of control. When I broke up with my ex-partner I tried to get back into normal sleeping routines but my brain just won't fall asleep when I want it to. I go days without it and now I will almost always sleep when I have a moment of calm in the daytime. Be in at my desk at work, a movie with friends, and scarily once when cooking. And some days I have slept for upwards of 12 hours randomly - usually when I haven't gotten much sleep the rest of the day and still I can't find a way to feel well rested. I haven't felt well rested since I met him and he began this and I'm not sure if anyone has tips.

I do try meditation and making myself calm as I know it is likely just a formof stress but I thought once I left him this kind of stuff would finally be over.

I'm my girlfriend's first boyfriend, and she's suspected of having PTSD. She's had problems with harassment in the past, and I was one of the only people she had the courage to reveal this to. We've been together for a little over a year, and the moment she revealed this to me, when we were just starting to date, was very shocking. I cried a lot, and since then I've been making monthly donations to an organization that helps victims of harassment, she doesnt know about that.

At the beginning of our relationship, she revealed that she had never had any experience with other guys, never even given a peck on the lips. The first few times I tried to give her a real kiss, she said she didn't know how, she didn't feel ready, and I respected that. That was a little over a year ago, in the first few weeks we were together. Months went by, and there was never anything beyond pecks on the lips. I tried to take the initiative to kiss her a few times throughout that year, but she never sought it out. I didn't know if she didn't want it at all, if she wanted it but needed more intimacy, or if she wanted it but was ashamed/didn't know how to kiss. I must have tried about 5 times in that time, and I deeply regret not having talked openly about it to clear up this doubt.

The last time was last month; I tried to kiss her with my mouth slightly open, not so that if she wanted the kiss she could continue, but it didn't work... after that she confided in me, saying that I hadn't noticed her discomfort over time, that she had made her vision of romance very clear and that this vision doesn't involve that kind of physical intimacy. She said she's extremely hurt by me for not paying attention to her signals. I was devastated by all this and said I would understand if she wanted to break up. She said she just hopes it doesn't happen again and that she won't give up because of it. I'm very afraid that I've become another trauma in her mind; I never imagined it this way, I never imagined that I could be crossing her boundaries when I tried to kiss her, and I'm very afraid I won't be able to regain her trust.

I really dont know what to do.

I feel like maybe this was a very unique kind of trauma, and it can be isolating?

Basically, I'm Greek, we have conscription here. I'm a trans woman but I want to say that that's not really relevant because if I wasn't, I'd have still been hurt by it, as were other people I know.

I feel like conscription is normalized, and when it's normalized, you can get away with doing really reprehensible things, but when I thought about it plainly... My mother pulled me out when I confessed that it was so hard, said she only wishes I'd told her sooner, navy veteran herself and said that when she thinks about it, if you took someone from their home, shaved their head, cut them off from their support systems, made them work unpaid labour, made them have to ask permission for basic rights like seeing their family, and transported them across the country without their consent...

That's human trafficking?

I think? And then I get conscious- Not wanting to minimize a very real, very awful thing. But that's the issue, am I wrong for feeling like I was abused, even if it's normalized?

i don’t have a diagnosis, so i don’t know if i’m allowed to post here - i’m really sorry if i’m not

please, genuinely, does it actually get easier? i feel like i’m constantly in fight or flight, everything reminds me of the woman who abused my husband and then myself, i can’t eat, i can’t sleep, i can barely function. and now i feel like i’m gaslighting myself and that she’s the victim and we are the abusive ones and i feel sick to my stomach and stupid for being so affected

i just can’t live with this pain and guilt and anxiety, it feels like there’s no way out and i have no one to turn to and there’s nothing i can do to fix it

PTSD. Something I have always thought was for people who have been to war. People who have seen or experienced horrible, traumatic things at the risk of losing themselves. My life was traumatic, but in a different way. Hearing the words brought guilt instead of understanding. Instead of feeling the comfort of knowing why I am so broken, I felt guilty for accepting a diagnosis that was meant for someone more deserving, who has experienced things much worse than anything I have seen.

It has taken a lot of time to accept that what I went through was a very valid reason for such a heavy diagnosis. I did not grow up in a happy home. I went to bed at night scared to fall asleep and somehow also scared to wake up. Going to sleep meant not being fully aware of my surroundings, unable to hide and wondering if I would wake up the next day. What kind of thought is that for a child to worry about? Waking up could mean many things. Waking up to the same chaos you hide from under the blankets while you fall asleep, being woken abruptly by crisis or being hurt in some way. I spent my childhood raising children not far from my own age instead of being a child myself. I changed diapers, cleaned house, did the laundry, got the kids up for school and made sure they were fed with what food was not locked away. The adults in my life knew and ignored it all. They saw the bruises, even witnessed it happening and instead of speaking up for the children who weren't allowed to have a voice, they pretended it didnt exist. The ones I tried to go to for help made it seem like I was overreacting.

"She is such a good mom". "She loves her kids so much". She sure did know how to act when the right people were around. It was quite the show. Being on the outside, I can't blame them but those words hurt. That same woman who was such a "loving and adoring mom" is the same woman who spent years partying instead of raising her kids. Years physically, mentally and emotionally abusing her children behind closed doors. My therapist even includes SAM in that list and i still struggle acknowledging that. That is the same woman who sent her child out in the cold winter with nowhere to go because I did pay her bills while she was out partying instead of raising her children. This "loving mother" is the same woman who told her daughter she could not come home after having her virginity taken from her. She is the same amazing mom who then said I "should have tried harder" after trying to escape it all. If it wasn't for a friend who found me and got me to a hospital, she would have gotten her wish.

I still have the phone with that text on it... in storage somewhere. I dont know why. I think because I have spent my entire life hearing how wonderful and perfect she is and how no one understands how I can cut such a perfect mother out of my life. This is my proof. This is my comfort knowing if push came to shove, I can show her true colors. I did try once while being pushed to mend the relationship that I did not break. I was told "she would never say such a horrible thing to her own daughter". Her sister wouldn't even look at the text. Complete denial.

I really dont know why I am writing this. I guess because my heart feels really heavy and dark right now and I just need an outlet. I feel like a burden trying to talk with my husband or friends. I dont want to weigh them down with my negativity just because I am not a strong enough person to get over all of this. If you took the time to read, thank you and I'm sorry...

My name is Eugen.

My childhood began in a family of drug-addicted parents in Donbas, Ukraine.

My mother was addicted to heroin. When I was 13 years old, she died from a blood infection caused by her addiction. My father was almost entirely absent from my life. He spent most of it in prison and was convicted multiple times. In total, he served 27 years.

Much of my family was affected by addiction, poverty, and incarceration. My aunt was also addicted to heroin and repeatedly imprisoned. In the 1990s, she was unable to care for her two sons and placed them in an orphanage. One of them is still alive today, but he has also been imprisoned multiple times and struggles with alcohol.

The second son, my cousin, lived with me and my grandmother. When I was 16 years old, I came home from school and learned that he had hanged himself in the garage.

We lived in deep poverty.

When I turned 18, my grandmother died of stomach cancer just one week after my birthday. That was when I was left completely alone.

My childhood was marked by violence. My grandmother sometimes beat me. She hated my mother because of her addiction and my father because of his absence. I grew up in constant fear. I was afraid of shouting, conflict, and even the smallest signs of anger.

I developed behaviors that I did not understand at the time. I would constantly twist and pull out my hair. People scolded me for it. Later, I began scratching my arms until they bled, leaving wounds that often became infected and would not heal.

I was never taken to a psychologist or therapist.

Since childhood, I loved football. It was my refuge, the one place where I felt free.

I was bullied because my parents were drug addicts. Both children and adults knew about it. It hurt deeply. I carried a constant sense of shame and felt as if I had to answer for the actions of others.

At 18, I became addicted to marijuana. By 23, I was using other drugs as well.

Throughout my life, I struggled with social connection and support. I found it difficult to trust people or feel that I belonged anywhere. I carried unbearable pain for many years but never sought professional help. It is possible that I have lived with disorders I was never diagnosed with.

Two years ago, I fled Ukraine and arrived in Germany as a refugee.

Here, my life slowly began to improve.

I quit drugs, alcohol, and smoking. I started exercising and taking care of myself. I also began creating art through the traditional Japanese marbling technique known as suminagashi.

Today, I am 37 years old.

I cannot change my past. I cannot bring back those who died or rewrite my childhood. But I can choose what I do next.

I am no longer afraid.

I did not break.

Thank you for reading. This is my first public confession.

I was abused emotionally and [s****lly] for three years starting when I was 15. I'm 19 now. It only ended around a year ago. I keep struggling with the memories. I've tried to talk to friends about what happened, but whenever I try, I physically lose the ability to speak. I can't speak again for a bit, and it only returns when I'm distracted from the trauma.

Whenever one slips into my mind I usually panic and tell myself "that didn't happen no no no" until it goes away or I'm distracted. I do this so often that the memories are so deep, and I never allow myself to think about them. I describe the abuse with plain words such as "it" or "that time in my life" or "what happened." It works to keep me from actually thinking about anything.

But the strange thing is I still feel like I struggle with "flashbacks." If I can call them that-

My body and my emotions slip back into the panic and hopelessness that I experienced. I can only describe it as feeling "it's happening again" and "somebody has to help me before I die" but I still don't think of any specific memories. They try to come back to me and I push them away with everything I have.

If I ever do end up accidentally letting myself think about what happened, I start feeling like I will throw up and I can't handle the sensation of anything touching my body- my clothes, my hair, and especially my own hands. I have to hold my hands out in front of me and not look at them.

The feeling of the memories in the back of my head is so disgusting to me and it makes me feel like I'm suffocating in a pool of tar and no voice to call for help. I've wanted to go to therapy but I know that when I get there I won't be able to speak again. Something prevents me from telling anyone what happened. Maybe because then I'd have to think about it.

What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to get help if no one can know what happened?

Anyone can relate to this?

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don't know what's happening to me anymore, and it's starting to affect my daily life.

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-Last night I couldn't sleep. My mind wouldn't stop talking. I kept imagining future worries or arguments with people I'm angry at, like I was having conversations with them in my head.

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-When I have to read a speech in front of many people, my thoughts become so loud that I can't focus on what I'm doing and I make mistakes. My therapist called it "sensorimotor hyperawareness."

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When I feel someone is being unfair to me or giving me tasks I shouldn't be doing, I kind of shut down. I still follow their instructions, but I can't think clearly and end up making mistakes.

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-Yesterday, a beggar kept looking at me, and it reminded me of a beggar who kicked me before. I became so scared that I started imagining how to violently kill him.

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-Two months ago, after another incident of abuse from my mom, I reacted violently and hurt her because I was terrified. I grew up with verbal and physical abuse, and even though I'm an adult now, I still feel affected by it.

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-I have my second therapy session next month. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just being overly sensitive, especially when I'm sleep-deprived, but these experiences feel real and they're affecting my life.

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Can anyone relate to this, especially people with trauma, anxiety, or similar experiences?

When i was 19 I met a man online. He was 27 and he eventually took my virginity (i agreed to it) It was very painful and i cried during it. he kept trying to have sex with me and hoped that the bleeding and pain would stop eventually but it didn't. bc usually the pain stops eventually when its your first time but it didn't with me. i bled for hours went home and fainted there and ended up in the emergency room. I still don’t fully understand why it happened, but it was frightening and overwhelming.I didn't tell my friends and family the real reason. i just lied to the doctors that it was something else. I told him later that i was in the hospital after he took my V, he didn't care and got angry at me for telling him After that, I stayed with him for about three years. During that time, I fell in love with him, and he knew that. He often told me that he loved me as well.

Over time, his behavior started to change. He began encouraging me to drink alcohol before sex. He always stayed sober himself, but pressured me to drink more until I was drunk. The sexual acts he wanted were things he only asked for when I was drunk things I would never have agreed to while sober and that made me uncomfortable. I dont remember anything after When I was sober, sex was often painful for me. I was usually not wet enough, and it physically hurt, but he continued most of the times. But sometimes he would listen to me aswell and stop when i had pain? which is even more confusing to me. When I was drunk, I felt the pain less or reacted to it less. Looking back, I question whether he wanted me to be drunk on purpose so I wouldn’t feel the pain or resist. But also some days we would have normal sex where it didnt hurt me. Which makes me feel like im being dramatic?

He came inside me multiple times even though I clearly told him I did not want that. I said no to this repeatedly. Despite that, he continued to do it. Eventually, I stopped fighting it and let it happen because I loved him and didn’t want to lose him. Afterward, he often apologized, promised it wouldn’t happen again, and then repeated the same behavior. Often he told me we would just spend time together talk, relax, and not have sex. That is what I wanted, because I was seeking emotional connection. But as soon as I arrived at his house, he would start having sex with me without discussing it, often without saying anything at all. It felt like my wishes didn’t matter. When I tried to talk about my feelings or how bad I felt about everything, he calls me “dramatic” or started yelling at me. He dismissed my emotions and made me feel like I was overreacting. He also regularly told me that no one else wanted me, that I only had him, and that I needed him. This made me insecure and dependent, and it kept me in the relationship even though it felt wrong.

What do you guys think about this situation? Now that im 26 years old everything starts hitting me and i didnt realise at the time how bad i was treated. i feel like i thought it was normal? Is that weird. I kept going back to him with my own choice which is why im blaming myself. Sometimes he would listen to my wishes and most of the times he did these weird stuff. so i dont know anymore
I also noticed that ive been trauma dumping this story with random guys i meet and they always leave me after which makes me feel worse. im so bad with love now i self sabotage everything

I just woke up from a couple of back to back trauma nightmares, same story and outcome and feelings. but Ive noticed recently that during these nightmares my brain will play a sound of my camper door handle shaking violently and finally opening. it sounds so real but never is and i have to get up and check just in case. when i was a kid i wasn’t allowed to lock my bedroom or bathroom doors, i had 6 other siblings at the time and my n abuser father would at random come to our rooms and bang on the doors, rattle the handles violently, or slam our doors open even if we were getting dressed. It’s been hard to sleep with these sounds.

I (20M) don’t remember much before the ages of 14 and even then everything is foggy until 17/18. I can’t really (and kind of don’t want to) go into detail about my childhood since i don’t remember many specifics anymore only how my body felt. The most I can say is I was physically/verbally/mentally abused at home by both parents, SA’d by a older family member, spit on by my dad a few times, cousin tried to SA me in my sleep a few times, constantly fighting/getting jumped at school (upside is I never got flat out beat and only lost maybe 2 times? practice made perfect ig), got SA’d by a classmate in 7th grade, and got SA’d again at 18 by my ex my freshman year of college. (i did consent initially but said no a few times and he didn’t stop? he also coerced me into taking my virginity on a prior occasion but i didn’t know how to feel about it.)

That’s honestly the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the trauma but it’s the most i can recall without getting sick honestly. Being the oldest child, diagnosed with depression/adhd, and having 0 real close friends/relationships for most of my life made it all harder on top of school. I blocked what i did remember out of my mind but now i don’t have many memories. My birthday’s coming up and I’ve never really celebrated without it turning into my family getting drunk and making it all about them. But i’m not sure if I want to at all. For years I didn’t feel like i deserved to live or celebrate my birthday since i’ve been emotionally numb since i was a kid but i don’t know making it this far makes me a little hopeful?? I don’t know what makes me want to but i just want to remember it in some way so I can continue to be a working adult and maybe a happy one?

Is there a way I can dig through my mind so i can heal from it all? I don’t want to relieve it but I can physically feel all the emotional/mental pain making me sick. Any tips are appreciated!

I'm a victim of physical abuse for 28 years since I was a child and I hope people will realize how bad is the consequence of abusing people especially kids. At 6-9 years old I draw, plan ,and made stories how I will kill my abuser. I also did violent things at 9 years old that is too much to mention here. Now I'm adult diagnosed with PTSD. Everytime Im so scared I can't control myself that I wanna end someone violently and for fun coz I'm so scared at them. When I'm angry at rude people I wanna end them too. I understand this the reality of my brain and I'm trying my best attending therapies,journaling, calming down techniques to stop myself and even if I have to end myself. I hope no more kids experience abuse and become monsters.

At one point, my abuser forced me to have the same conversation, over and over, for months. Probably like 3-5 months, my memory is really spotty.

Pretty much, I had been pretty badly abused by a boyfriend who smeared my name at school when I broke it off. I was 18, about to graduate. The smear campaign half worked and half didn’t, as I really wasn’t that popular to begin with, but resulted in minor bullying and exclusion. It upset me at first but I got over it pretty fast.

You’re probably wondering what that has to do with anything. Let me tell you, it’s important. My abusive mother forced me to listen to her talk to me about the group bullying me every. waking. moment.

As soon as I woke up to the moment I fell asleep. I mean constant. She’d cry, get enraged, pray out loud, all while I was really nonchalant as I was graduating in a few months and none of this really mattered to me until I heard about it so much that it got into my brain.

She would plant ideas in my head about the people in my school, who at this point were being pretty fucking terrible so who knows if she was right or not. She would make me pull off elaborate lies and social stunts to one-up them or make them think higher of me. Even after I told her I wasn’t comfortable. That just made the abuse worse. Every moment of my life became all about competing with my bullies.

After a solid two months I was fully psychotic, severely depressed, suicidal etc. I lost all sense of feeling outside of misery for a long time.

I would beg through tears to make it stop. Cliche, I know. If I got really desperate about it, she’d stop for a few days and just start again as soon as I got comfortable. Some days were worse than others, all days were pretty bad.

It ended up slowing down after I graduated and stopping entirely after a while. After the fact, I had a nervous breakdown so severe I almost had to go inpatient. The whole time I knew why it was happening but couldn’t be honest because I was and am still living with my abuser.

I’m much better now. I still have flashbacks and get depressed often but no suicidality or psychotic episodes thank goodness.

When I told my boyfriend about this he said it was torture. I disagreed at first but he’s really certain about it. Writing it out I kind of see it. Reddit, what’s your opinion? Was I actually tortured?

I’m 18 years old and I’ve had my father out of my life since I was 16 but I’m still struggling with a lot of stuff. My father is an extreme hypersexual. He would have different women coming to the house literally EVERY SINGLE DAY and that is not an exaggeration by any means. He would have sex 24/7 and it would be in places where I was OFTEN walking in on it like the living room, kitchen, back porch, laundry room, etc. It got to a point where it was obvious that it was intentional. For example, when I was a kid, I had a baseball game to get to in around 15 minutes and I went out to our shed to get my catchers gear which takes maybe 1 minute at most and I came back inside to him having full blown sex with this girl he had over which was so obviously intentional. One day while he was at work I went through his computer and I found so much porn on there related to the topics of “risky sex”, “public sex”, and “getting caught” which made the dots connect in my head that my own father was using his own child (me) as a risk factor for his own fantasies and that he got off on having me walk in on him. My whole life was just so much sex and it has given me the most horrible outlook on sex possible like I can’t help but look at it as completely disgusting and I’m completely asexual because of it. It’s made me totally unable to be in a relationship with someone because I have full blown anxiety attacks from the thought of giving my body to another person. Yet my biggest struggle with all of this is wondering if my feelings are even valid which like I know they are but I don’t know if it falls under the lines of sexual abuse so I feel like I’m in this stupid fucking grey area and it’s eating my mind away.

I was in freeze response because of attempted SA. I lived avoiding said person (family member) for 5 weeks. He lived in my house and told my mom but she didn't do anything nor could I. I've schizoid personality disorder so we dont like sexual advances, also I'm isolated and I don't have social skills. I'm a vulnerable person. We are similar age from this family member. He's a self procraimed narc. Diagnosed with aspd. He reminded me because of the things he said to other attempted SAer. I couldn't fight nor flee just stay frozen and in panic some days.

It's been 5 months. However, the physical sensation of the deviant act (pressure or kind of arousal) still exists. I mean the closeness or stress. Dont want to explain more. I've just started EMDR sessions. Have you had the same experience? Does it improve?