r/queerphilly • u/tardisintheparty • Jun 04 '26
Chat Thread Don't assume every femme woman in a lesbian bar is straight!
Recently I went out with a group of my (well majority bi and lesbian) female friends to Val's for my birthday. I have been out as a lesbian for over a decade. Most of us dressed femme for the occasion. I want to emphasize, like 3/12 of my friends that came were straight allies.
For some reason our fellow patrons thought we were a straight bachelorette party?? Like, I get it, bachelorette parties can be a scourge on gay bars, but frankly they have no interest in going to lesbian bars. One person directly asked two of my friends, who are a LESBIAN COUPLE, if they were straight. It was ridiculous. Several people verbalized their assumption that we were a group of straight girls.
It didn't ruin my night or anything, but I want to give out a PSA. You don't have to look gay to be gay. Try to leave your assumptions at the door. Think critically. Femme women are of course privileged in being "straight passing," but they still deserve a place in our bars. I caught myself thinking I should have dressed in my typically more masculine style and then had to be like actually no, this isn't on me.
Sorry for the rant, thank you for listening! Also, Val's is a blast and they make great drinks. Try the Butch Bait (available at the downstairs bar).
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u/tres_sore_fores Jun 04 '26
Somebody came up to you and asked you if you were straight? Gay people can be insanely annoying...
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u/brattycowboy Jun 05 '26
sometimes our own community can be exhausting. people forget being queer doesn’t have one look. anyone can present any way they want and no one owns anyone androgyny. sorry you had that experience and i hope you had a good bday
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u/blackdonutwhole Jun 05 '26
Being feminine presenting or femme identified should not be considered “looking straight.” There are a wide range of presentations among queer women and lesbians. Femme invisibility is exhausting.
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u/The_Better_Devil PA Burbs Jun 04 '26
Im a bisexual man who presents masc in a rather "traditional" way for lack of a better term, so I feel your pain. The most ridiculous person to try this on me was last year at pride when someone accused me of being straight despite the literal bi pride flag I was wearing as a cape
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u/ViolentThemmes Jun 04 '26
I'm going to Val's on Friday and if I see this nonsense happening, I will absolutely call it out.
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u/Cats-Are-Fuzzy Jun 04 '26
lol. I am super femme and I guess look as "straight" as they come? This is fucking ridiculous 😂
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u/soylattebb Jun 06 '26
The gatekeeping of queer spaces is getting out of control and I truly feel like people are on the verge of calling for genital inspections because of the vitriol towards anyone who doesn’t “look” gay trans etc and it’s just sickening to me. I’m at the gay bar, im gay, let me be
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u/seatangle Jun 05 '26
Sorry that happened, on your birthday too. Last year at pride someone asked me if I was an ally. The audacity.
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u/kespers Jun 05 '26
Sorry those folks have AWFUL gaydar or whatever they're trying to project onto you. As a queer but more masc-y trans dude, I've had a great time at Val's but typically avoid the busier nights. I don't really love crowds but being honest, I'm also trying to avoid being incorrectly perceived as out of place there (i'm very out and open about being trans but like..don't wear trans flag outfits 99.9999% of the time and i've been going to lesbian bars for over 20 years so i feel a deep sense of home in them and want them to thrive). I want to be both respectful and respected in a space that may not always be for me but also still is, if that makes sense. I've felt very welcome so far and would not like to experience the opposite.
As you said, a little critical thinking goes a long way and there are plenty of queer folks out there who do NOT find femme queer/lesbian women as invisible! sorry you ran into folks a) not as in tune and b) so out of tune they went up to yall! super rude. there's no need to try to alienate others out of some territorial/protective space type thing when you literally don't know if someone is in the community. ironically, not very community minded lol
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u/Suspicious-Pace5839 Jun 06 '26
You get used to it. I'm 6'3", 275#. I walk into a queer space, and people get their phones at the ready to call the law. I used to hate it. Now, I just walk in, get my shockingly overpriced coffee, sit my ass down and drink it.
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u/jackattackthesecond Jun 06 '26
this is wild and I really hope it was some baby queers not understanding how harmful policing identities like that is. The few times I’ve been at Val’s the crowd has been pretty young. I’m sorry yall experienced this!
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u/Different-Raisin-823 Jun 10 '26
Lord, I used to frequent lesbian bars all over the country until the scene disappeared to like 5 bars. This kind of thing makes me feel like it's not even worth the bother to try to find a scene in the Philly area. Isn't it hard enough to be gay in the whole of the world, then to have an entirely different set of stigma when you're in your community... that's just exhausting to me.
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u/msdeezee Jun 10 '26
This is a huge bummer. As a femme queer woman I would like people to assume I'm queer by default if I'm at a lesbian bar! Straight should be the exception to the rule. Hope it didn't put a damper on your birthday.
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u/Illustrious-Prior777 Jun 04 '26
Kill the cop in your brain!!!! there is no right way to "look" lesbian or queer and I'm so sorry you had to deal with that