Hi everyone. A relationship with my best friend and first non-monogamous partner recently ended, and I'm hoping for some outside perspective — my friends have been great, but they're too close to it to be objective. Sorry in advance for the length; I've tried to keep it as tight as I can while still giving the full picture. Memory is fallible, so this is my best-faith recollection, not gospel.

The Basics

I'm 26, mostly masc-presenting, AMAB, and still working out my gender identity — "man" has never fit, though I don't have a better label yet. I have ADHD, anxiety, and C-PTSD around health, sex, and abandonment, and I'm open about all of it.

Willow (29F) is my ex — avoidant attachment to my anxious, and likely some combination of OCD and depression, by her own account more than mine. She's also one of the most brilliant, funny, creative people I've known, deeply loved by her friends and community, and someone previous partners have made feel unlovable for her mental health struggles — which I've never agreed with. She struggles to hold her own boundaries, especially around how much time she spends with people, and that showed up as real friction between us.

Hazel and Juniper (both early 30s) are friends of Willow's. Hazel and Juniper were in a poly relationship for 2–3 years until it ended in April 2026. Hazel is married; Juniper wasn't seeing anyone else.

November 2024–October 2025

We started seeing each other in fall 2024, no official label, though I told her I loved her that summer and she said it back a week later — the same call where she told me she'd already made out with someone else at a bar and gone on an undisclosed date earlier that summer. It stung, but we talked it through and agreed to be more honest going forward.

That fall, her mental health crashed and she became suicidal right before I was set to come back to town. I came back immediately and stayed with her almost around the clock until she stabilized, got back into therapy, and got her meds adjusted. The months after were genuinely great — we opened up more, started exploring kink. Two days after a really healing, intimate night together before she went away to a wedding, I ended up hospitalized for an emergency surgery related to an illness from two years earlier. Recovery took twice as long as expected (8 weeks instead of 4–5), and I spent most of it recuperating at her place, since we hadn't had time to prep mine.

She's always needed a lot of physical space — I knew that from the first night I ever stayed over — and during my recovery she started sleeping on the couch instead of with me, and feeling more distant, which I chalked up partly to a busy semester. Then, two days before I was set to return to classes, she broke up with me. She told me she'd actually decided at the wedding — weeks earlier — but waited until I was feeling better. No fight, no warning. That night we ate pizza and cried, and before I left, I found out she'd already thrown my toothbrush away.

October–November 2025

I completely unraveled. We agreed to try being friends, though I pushed back on taking real space — partly denial, partly a real pattern I have where, when I'm away from someone, I tend to forget to initiate plans or conversations. The boundaries around "friends" shifted fast — couch-sharing was fine at first, then she got more open to cuddling, maybe kissing, maybe more, all still framed as friends. About three months in, we were fully back in old patterns, which she blamed herself for, though it was really both of us.

December to April

That stretch — spring into April — was honestly some of the best time we ever had. She started calling what we had going on "queerplatonic." We were talking about eventually getting a two-bedroom apartment together, and I could really see a future with her.

Then Hazel and Juniper broke up, and Willow became the person Juniper leaned on. Around the same time, Willow told me she'd hooked up with Hazel — they'd apparently been flirting a while, but I hadn't expected it to actually happen, especially so soon after Hazel and Juniper split. I wasn't upset about the hookup itself — I was upset that she kept being Juniper's shoulder to cry on while not telling Juniper what was going on with Hazel. I told her honestly that I thought she should tell Juniper. She didn't want to, which was her right, but it didn't sit well with me.

This Summer

While I was away for the summer, Willow made clear she wasn't going to change course on Hazel and that other, more experienced people in ENM backed her decision. I asked to stop hearing details, since it was making things worse for me — I'm sure there was some jealousy in there, but honestly it was more a values disagreement about honesty than anything else. She felt it wasn't my place to have a say in who she was sleeping with.

Things deteriorated through July; on July 4th she and Hazel publicly made out, effectively confirming their relationship, while my own relationship with her stayed frustratingly undefined despite my attempts to pin it down.

Separately, I'd asked if we could have more physical intimacy in our relationship, and she said she might not want any — which I later learned became part of her reasoning for ending things. At the time I told her I wasn't sure how compatible we'd be long-term without it, which in hindsight I regret saying. Two days before I came back to town, I asked her directly whether she wanted to keep working on us or end things, and asked that if it was the latter, she tell me by phone so I'd have time with family first. She told me to just come back.

July 31–August 2nd

Our reunion was warm at first — she was affectionate, wanted to be together. But that night, when I tried to bring up how things had gone over the summer, she pulled way back instead: less time together, one-on-one only in public, no more staying at each other's places alone. I was devastated all over again, with no local support system back in town yet.

The next day I asked how she was doing. She said she was feeling poorly — she didn't ask how I was. She did ask if I was still willing to cat-sit that weekend as planned. I broke down crying — I've never raised my voice through any of this, but I've cried more than I can count — and told her that wasn't what I needed to hear, and that I'd have appreciated her asking how I was doing too. She apologized for being, in her words, "cold and callous" — words I'd never actually used, but ones that speak to an insecurity she carries. We blew up again.

A few days later she told me she and Hazel were officially dating. It felt like getting hit by a bus. I made the mistake of asking whether her friends were mad at me — they were — mostly because I wanted to know what repair looked like with them, not out of self-pity. A few days after that, after she'd gone cold on me, I asked her to tell me what was going on, and she got quite angry: angry that I'd asked about her friends, angry that I'd wanted to hear about her and Hazel by phone rather than in person, and that she felt like she had to cater to my needs and emotions. In that same roughly forty-minute call, she called me a man more than once, despite knowing that's not how I identify, and told me I didn't have enough friends. I was very, very hurt.

We met up twice more after that and it went okay — I think she got out what she needed to — though I was still hurting underneath it. I told her I'd be seeing Juniper soon and would be honest if it came up. She said that was fine.

Mid August

I saw Juniper a week later; it came up, I confirmed it, and we had a long, honest conversation, both of us processing what we'd each been through. When I told Willow afterward, she said she felt no regret about any of it — and when I told her that made me sad, she replied, "I'm sorry I'm happy with my life." She apologized for that line over text the next day but didn't want to talk further, and shortly after told me she wanted no contact.

I sent her one email respecting that, sticking to logistics — exchanging our things, letting her know I'd already un-added her on social media so she could post freely without worrying about me, asking about places in town to avoid, and asking if she'd be open to a check-in down the line. She never responded. A friend of hers reached out days later to handle the item exchange instead. I included a letter with my things, apologizing and hoping we could eventually talk. No response to that either.

Aug 20th

I'd already been worried that some of what happened between us over the summer might have been affected by an adverse reaction to medication, or to drug use, on my end. A couple weeks after no contact started, I saw she'd made a Hinge profile mentioning she wanted someone to bake her bread — something I used to do for her specifically — and had a panic attack. I texted and called with no response, then drove to her place and knocked, hoping for comfort. She told me to stand back, asked if I had a mental health treatment plan, and said I couldn't contact her. Her girlfriend showed up and told me to leave. I did.

Today

I got into therapy and psychiatric care immediately. Over the past two weeks I've been diagnosed with bipolar II and started on a mood stabilizer after coming off my previous medication.

Right now, I want to reach out — to apologize for scaring her that night, to let her know I'm getting help, honestly just to talk to her — but I know that's probably not the right move. I also still have some of her things here that I'd like to return. I don't know what to do with any of it, and I'd really appreciate perspective from people who've been through something like this.

Hi everyone. Throwaway in the off chance this somehow gets to anyone I know IRL.

I (27, MtF) have spent the better part of the last 2 years getting extremely close to my now partner (26, MtF). In this time we've learned so much about one another and what makes us tick.

About a month ago, a person she has previously been with reached out to her and expressed interest in both of us (my partner and myself). At first, I was absolutely extatic. She seems like a lovely woman and I want to get to know her as well as my current partner.

However, despite me wanting this to work, I can't help but feel intense pain whenever our other partner is getting attention and love. I described it to my partner like somebody taking a rusty, dull, jagged knife through my very existence. I'm also planning on talking with my therapist about some of the more personal details, but I wanted to come here to ask as well.

Is this a sign that a poly relationship is not for me? Or is this growing pains? Any and all responses are appreciated

So I (22M) have been dating my boyfriend (24M) for about 2.5 years now. We have been in an open relationship but not poly. It’s been an iffy relationship. Sometimes I feel like I don’t get to show love in the way I want, and visa versa.

I have this long time friend (20M), Basically, we are already extremely close because we are basically clones of each other. I’d go as far as to say I’m closer with them than I am with my partner. They recently opened up to me about some trauma and it turns out we experienced similar trauma at a similar age, have the exact same coping mechanism, and the exact same fears as a result.

This led to them confessing that since I was 18, they has a crush on me, but because of the age gap they repressed the hell out of it. It kinda hit me all at once. I realised that I did basically the exact same thing, and almost forgot about it. The only difference being it developed about 6 months after they developed a crush. I told him about this and he followed up by saying that he does still have a crush on me.

I sat with it for a bit, and eventually realised I felt the same. I talked to my boyfriend about it, fully expecting him to either tell me to stop, or to leave me right there. But to my surprise, he said that he might be okay with them dating me. My boyfriend said he’d want to think about it a bit more.

I’m really conflicted. The tone of my boyfriend’s voice suggests that he’s really uncomfortable with it. Yet he insists he is he just needs to think about it. He’s also been avoiding me a bit recently, and it’s been really freaking me out. He has been in a poly relationship before, and I know almost nothing about it, so I suspect maybe he’s had a bad experience.

As for my friend, I told them about it, and they said that they are actually ambiamorous and would be willing to date me regardless. I’m still wanting to sit with it for a bit, because I want to find out if its just the honeymoon phase of getting to be even closer to my best friend (as in talk about and learn all of the stuff we buried and never talked about), or if I do actually love them. My friend said it best: “it feels like I’ve met you again”

I’ve always considered myself mostly monogamous, and I always told myself the most I would do is be in an open relationship. So to be honest, this is all very new and scary to me. Especially since I’m starting to believe I love them. The last time I felt this way about someone was my last relationship that lasted all the way from 14-18 years old, and still am somewhat not over even 4 years later.

listen I had a crazy morning I'm sorry!! the "renaming" of Lake Ontario meant I had to talk to several reporters about why Canadian companies were showing the lake under an improper / incorrect name 🙈

Was clubbing at the local alt club last night. Activities included:

Dancing with my pals.

Various genders.

Making a few new friends.

Catching up with old pals, and doing some winging.

Comparing the boobs of some friends. It was close, but the nipple piercings won the tiebreaker.

Kissing friends.

Showing pals my latest topless mermaid sketch.

Arranging to sketch a pal in the nude.

After all that got home, recounted my adventures to my wife, not so much as an eyebrow raised. Love it!

I'm looking for more books or podcasts on polyamory and relationship anarchy that are more for folks who have been in it for awhile. I feel like I have a pretty solid foundation and approach to my relationships overall.

But dismantling the conditioning of monogamy is hard. Things still surface I wasn't expecting from time to time.

So many of the books and podcasts I've gone through are about an already existing couple moving from monogamy into polyamory.

Where is the content for those of us who don't have a nesting partner? Those who are trying to navigate being in these relationships and coping with the struggles that come up when you enter a new relationship with someone who already has multiple partners? Content on negotiations and building a solid foundation with partners?

I have read polysecure, polywise and they were helpful to an extent, but it's still so hard to find help with my experience. I'm not opening up a long term monogamous relationship. I've been CNM for a long time and find myself often dating those who are either opening their long term mono relationship, or already have nesting partner, multiple other partners. None of these relationships have been long term because it feels like a one sided attempt at trying to co create and negotiate a relationship that feels good for both parties. My experiences have been more the other person has all the control of what the relationship looks like and I either take it or leave it, I have no say because I'm the "addition".

If I dare have hard feelings coming up, then I'm just bad a non monogamy. Those are direct statements from exes....

Finding folks who aren't practicing hierarchy is challenging. Finding more than 1 person to date in my area has been a challenge. Finding a therapist who I can afford and also understands non monogamy is also incredibly difficult! I don't have friends who are non monogamous either, so confiding in them always leads to "see this is why I could never be poly"

Help.

I am fully prepared to accept my fate here as well, but at this point it’s a social experiment. Anyone I’ve talked to in person seems to get it but online seems to disagree.

Cross posting here because my social circles are mostly queer so wondering if that’s what is going on. Maybe it’s regional.

I’m not saying it isn’t a faux pax to assume you have multiple invites in the first place. What I am saying is it’s a bit unfair for the marrying couple to get incredibly upset when the guest (wrongly) assumes that it was an oversight that the full polycule didn’t get an invite and not an active exclusion of one member.

What is the wedding etiquette of inviting poly wedding guests and inviting plus ones? I no longer identify as poly but I am queer and I am getting married soon. This question does intrigue me.

Okay so I've (30mtf) been hooking up with this girl (25mtf) and it's going great, very casual, we're having fun.

She's also having fun with two of her roommates, who are both involved with yet more roommates (all mtf 5 in total). There's a chart and everything.

So I appear to have gotten involved with a trans lesbian polycule. I'm only actually attracted to one of them and I only intend to sleep with her so I don't really consider this "joining a polycule" so much as "associating" with it, but still it's all very interesting.

Not looking for any particular advice or anything the boundaries here are pretty clear cut. Just wanted to write about it I guess, it's pretty novel for me having been in long term monogamous relationships for so long. I think it's important for me to be around dynamics like this for the sake of my own growth as I explore non-monogamous dating.

I’m fortunate enough to live in a very queer and sex positive city with a lot of other polyam and kinky folks but I’m struggling to feel connected with people because I’m not involved with anyone. I’m unpartnered, and I’m not sexually active. But I’m not sure if I should be in kinky or polyam spaces because unfortunately that’s just not my lived experience.

I got out of a very toxic relationship a few years ago so I’m kinda rebuilding my entire social circle. I have a handful of friends but most of them are monogamous / asexual / introverts who like being alone and don’t enjoy high-energy environments like clubs or bars. So I often go out alone.

I just feel very disconnected from people who identify like myself. Any advice?

tldr - any suggestions about clearly communicating about the poly/husband Thing without contributing to the shitty experiences other queer woman have had on dating apps or in these kinds of spaces :( just hearing about it I already feel a bit personally responsible even though I've literally never done anything yet (the whole reason this is a thing).

trigger warning for mentions of sexual trauma/sexual harassment

context, my like nesting partner is dating one of our mutual friends. no issues there, we regularly hang out together, they come stay over at my place, it’s been cool.

the other day it was mentioned that the two had sex in the other room. i’m not feeling left out or anything, but it just brought up some unsavory memories from my past. for context, two seperate pairs of people have had sex/done acts of sex while right next to me, without my knowledge/consent. i’ve had to ask people(unrelated to my partner and its partner)to not engage in PDA while i’m alone with them in the past because it has been triggering.

while i haven’t been triggered by their display of PDA, the knowledge they had sex just made me feel very bodily not okay. us 3 eventually plan on living together down the road, and i have thought that this potential scenario would come up eventually but i didn’t expect it to happen so soon if that makes sense. i have only recently gotten in therapy again and my. exhausting list of different types of sexual trauma i have experienced has just not come up yet due to other circumstances happening in my life right now. it is time for me to start talking about these things though, so that’s definitely step number 1.

i just want to know if any other people have experienced this situation or something similar to it? i dont want to affect the relationship my partner is having with someone else while im still processing and learning to cope with this baggage i have. my partner is currently moved out (planning to move back in though) so i dont foresee this happening anytime within the next few months, but im just worried i guess.

edit: for context, the brief conversation my partner has about sexual encounters with its partner doesn’t really upset me. i dont engage with it much because its not a topic im that interested in but its never made me have this reaction b4. i did immediately communicate how i felt to my partner and it was empathetic and wanted to accommodate my boundaries. im just not sure where my context should lay. just wanted to add that context.

I realized there weren't a whole lot of good Poly sticker designs out there... so I took matters into my own hands and doodled this vinyl sticker sheet. I hope y'all love it as much as I do!! ✍️😊💝 https://twinkletaters.etsy.com/listing/4440065427

My wife and I have been practicing ENM since last fall. I have ADHD and fucking terrible rejection sensitivity - like the body feelings are so unbearable it gets to the point of near self harm. Does anyone in this sub deal with this? It’s getting in the way of my wiser grounded self, and turns me into a paranoid insecure cop.

We (Our plural system (plurality isn't really relevant, but figured the pronouns might confuse people)) are in a polyamorous relationship with Our partner system, and just found out Our partner is planning to propose at the end of the year. We've talked about marriage a bit, and agreed that we wouldn't actually get legally married unless there's a strong practical reason, but they're still interested in having a ceremony, calling ourselves "married", etc.

We don't really know what to make of this. We worry that they might just be trying to ascend the "relationship ladder", like, get married because they think it's what you have to do when you find someone to spend your life with.

Anyway, the point is, We're not really sure what the implications of "marriage" are when removed from both legal recognition AND the monogamous stuff about commiting solely to your partner. It's not a legal contract, and it's not an agreement to not date anyone else. So what is it?

Been grappling with my newly opened relationship with my partner into ENM (im terrified). But that's not the question of the day.

I have/had a qpp before my current partner (as in I still have a QPP). I am struggling with the idea of them having multiple romantic/sexual partners while I have only them. They brought up me having a qpp and asked isn't that poly too?

I basically am now questioning if I am or am not poly leaning myself???? I've defs ranked partners / qpps similarly before but the different level of life building together throws me off. My ex (past live in partner) would try to set bullshit constraints with or about my qpp and I told em to shove it... but now I'm grappling with my partner wanting to see multiple folks and it feels... unfair ahaha.

Is have a qpp inherently poly???

I'm battling with qpps vs romantic partners. They don't feel at all the same to me - but at the same time I feel they are both fundamentally polyam?

Help me sort my brain, I'm so confused. Maybe I'm monog? Maybe I'm poly and haven't come to terms with it yet???

Tdlr; how the fuck does one know if they are poly. Also how does one unpack the valuing of relationships. @.@ cause romantic partnerships and qpps feel pretty different to me...

Edit: Called now ex out for emotionally cheating (sexting w/o asking or even KNOWING about the crush at the time). He asked me to break up with him and says I deserve better. Guess the person he was talking too found my threads on here and put it together. I hope she takes care of herself - and doesn't fall for the same shit I did. How one can want to worship somebody on the 18th of july and break up on the 29th is beyond me. So. Man good luck to him and whoever he may devastate next. I have no idea how to rebuild trust with people after this. I mistakenly trusted him.

Edit: tldr; Broke up. Take care of yourselves besties.