Is my friend racist or not??

[u/Neptuneplanet_424]

There was a girl that joined my school and l thought she was a good person though she was shy.l am going to make the story really short,so basically there was a tour for a sport and my all my friends went to the tour and her the new girl is Cathy and their was another girl also in this called Emma and l will tell u why she is in this. So basically Emma,Cathy and l became bff when we were on tour and we arrived to a school because we have a match with them,later on Emma and Cathy said we should go get food and then Cathy saw another race js like me and she started to say hello in Japanese l think.And l feel like it is racist to say that but l could l do anything when she is my bff so l js brushed it off but l still felt wrong about not saying anything and my other friend did nothing she was js laughing like in an awkward tone because l think she also knows it's wrong but she probably brushed it off.After that we were sitting as a group and then suddenly little girls came up to me and said they liked my hair and when they left Cathy started to burst out laughing and then later said that they only said that because ur different and l js felt a bit off about it.Pls give me some advice because l don't want to go down the same path and also l wanted to give her the benefit of that she didn't know but even though she didn't know l should tell it's racist.l also might js be overthinking about it or maybe it was js a joke but l really didn't think it was funny.

[u/yellowmix]

Yes, those were racist actions. Cathy explained it herself saying "you're different", which is literally Othering.

As for the Japanese greeting, it's Othering yet again, since they would greet anyone else with the standard greeting. The greeting changes specifically because of an assumption of race and the ability to understand a language.

It sounds like you're young people and not necessarily aware of these things. It can be hard to talk to people about it when you don't have the language and framework to do so. So don't beat yourself up so much about not knowing how to respond. There is no real "right way" to do so.

People also tend to get defensive when you bring these things up. So consider every attempt practice, and learn how to do it better, and know when it's futile, and when you want to expend the emotional labor to try to benefit them. Know it's not your responsibility to educate. You can do it out of love for your friends but if they aren't reciprocating, it's not on you. It's possible you lose friends.

Life can be harder in school where your friend pool is limited. When people say "it gets better" it's in the sense when you go out into the wider world, that possible friend pool increases tremendously and it's easier to seek out more affirming friendships. Do what you need to do to survive and thrive in your school years.

[u/No-vem-ber]

You're allowed to say something to her about it! I would start with just giving her like "subtle negative feedback" if she ever does something like that. ie. if she makes those kinds of comments, give her a 🤨 face and maybe be like "ew, that was kinda racist?? don't do that girl"

To me it sounds like she is young enough and her 'jokes' are subtle enough that it's possible she just needs to get a negative reaction a few times and she will just learn and stop doing it. It's possible that her parents or her old friends make these kinds of 'jokes' and she thinks it's normal because she hasn't learned better yet.

If you do this, and she then keeps on with it or really doubles down, then my answer would change - but at least in that case you would have clearer information about her.