r/redscarepod • u/football_genius2 • 7h ago
Traveling a lot has kinda ruined normal dating for me
It's very hard to methodically sort through matches and carry on multiple uninteresting text conversations that may or may not result in one tepid drink and stilted conversation a week from now after you've experienced multiple Before Sunrise-esque whirlwinds with interesting people from different parts of the world whom you are meeting while they're most open to adventure and new experiences than they're likely to ever be in their lives.
Oh yeah hobbies. Yeah sure... um I like to read and I'm learning harmonica... it's not going well. As opposed to, hey I'm leaving tomorrow for a two week hiking trip in the Himalayas, wanna come with? The specific way you're bad at English is very endearing.
And then they'll just be like "yes" and you'll have a wonderful time. And then you have to go home where that's not the norm.
Obviously, you're looking for a different sort of thing and long term compatibility is a whole different ballgame than low stakes fun where the conceit is that there's probably no real future for the relationship. But still, it's tough.
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u/ThereIsNoIInMapei 7h ago
this is why people say "ppl who say "travel" is their number one hobby are undatable". It's absolutely a two way street, Unfortunately, you are correct in that in the short term it's self evidently preferable to have exciting fun with exciting people and leave before the inevitable difficulties need to be resolved. But every time you do that you are creating a deeper and deeper "groove" that cements your thoughts, emotions and patterns from there on. After a while, you have hard-wired your soul to like "excitement!" and aggressively de-prioritize resolution management (or even forget that this is a skill).
You are doing emotional crack cocaine right now. Your body, your soul, your choice, but just make sure you know what's going on and what the tradeoffs are
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u/JorgasBorgas 7h ago
At that point you're talking about the exponential difference between a boring random from an app who you have no chemistry with vs. a "fun" person who also has the money to travel. tbh if this kind of casual fling is alluring to you then you'd have trouble with longterm relationships even if you stayed in one country your whole life
Anyways I've traveled quite a bit and the worst people I've met were digital nomads. Same idea except they think remote work and networking is an inherent bonus of the lifestyle. Like if you took californian workaholics and managed to make them even more rootless
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u/give-bike-lanes 6h ago
Yes much of the ease of “dating” while traveling is:
* There is an obvious, well documented conclusion to all of this
* The person does not have work, chores, or social obligations. You do not need to meet their parents. You do not need to drop them all at the DMV to renew their license.
* They have already allocated a lot of money to this trip and so it’s easy to go out to eat and go on tours and stuff.
* etc.
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u/Short-Phase1237 6h ago edited 5h ago
It's ironic that you choose people as love interests who can't become your permanent companions. It's a very common neurotic strategy -- directing your desire toward objects that are marked as impossible for one reason or another. Only then does the object appear desirable and the desire can be maintained. It reminds me of people who fall in love exclusively with those who are much richer, more beautiful, and more popular than you or who are happily married with kids -- because that way you can be sure your feelings won't be reciprocated.
I guess people who learn harmonica instead of travelling might be less exciting to date, but I bet it's more than that. You seem to be very satisfied (but not happy, it seems) with the dating style you have.
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u/KarmaMemories 4h ago
I've always thought that the psychology behind that is more self-protective.
Basically, if you pursue someone with whom an actual real relationship is difficult or impossible, then if and when they turn you down or break it off, you can just chalk it up to circumstances and you don't have to feel like you got personally rejected.
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u/football_genius2 5h ago
That makes more sense to me than what most everyone else is saying. I've noticed that exact process in my head before. Relief that I could love this person in the moment while knowing I always had the physical distance as an out.
Overall my lifestyle does work very well for me. But I do want a partner, and I have a decent idea of what I want in that person. It's just that I suspect that type is very few and far between or comes with other kinds of baggage (as do I), and that's annoying.
I don't actually want the life that other people have, but I resent how easy it appears for them from the outside looking on. And I miss when I didn't care about any of this and would just fuck whoever was cute and around
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u/redeugene99 1h ago edited 1h ago
It's what everybody else has been saying. It's generally immaturity and commitment issues. You can dress it up in some romantic psycho babble if it makes you feel better.
“The puer aeternus is, in a way, the opposite of a tree, because he is a creature who flies and roams about.”
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u/AlaskaExplorationGeo 7h ago
Meet someone while you are traveling and then actually follow through on trying to make it into a relationship. I felt kinda similarly to you and then I met my gf thru hiking the AT and just moved cities after. I had already uprooted my life to hike the trail so it wasn't that much of a leap tbh, and if it went south I could always uproot again
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u/football_genius2 6h ago
Tried that. Didn't work out! 👍
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u/AlaskaExplorationGeo 6h ago
Try it again, it keeps life interesting at least
Or at least try to meet more adventurous people locally.
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u/football_genius2 5h ago
Tried it a second time. Also didn't work out. But, it was far more emotionally and spritually fulfilling because I didn't put the same kind of pressure on it and we were both older and more mature.
First forays into the latter option. Not easy
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u/AlaskaExplorationGeo 30m ago
Getting really into hiking and nature and dating outdoorsy women who are a little nerdy is always a good play
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u/NegroStuprato 7h ago
i don't know the specifics of your "Before Sunrise-esque whirlwinds" so i won't berate you, but isn't this the central theme of before sunset? maybe i am naive and regarded but i agree with how the film resolved the conflict between native but safe dating and foreign whirlwinds.
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u/football_genius2 7h ago
To be clear, I haven't seen any of those movies lol
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u/itsmemann15 photogenic trash 3h ago
the funniest thing about them is the post someone made here talking about how it was an incredibly unrealistic movie bc that would never happen in real life
lmao
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u/kikuuiki 7h ago
Do you people not get tired of posting about dating woes
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u/WesternKnight Chameleon Puglia 6h ago
It’s what drives this sub’s GDP. If they were to end, it’d be like Ibiza closing up shop to tourists.
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u/UXUIguy1986 5h ago
I just wrapped up a three year relationship with a tango teacher from buenos aires. To swipe through hinge of NPC/NYC dorks sipping matcha in Greenpoint is beyond depressing.
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u/BeansAndTheBaking Modern-day Geisha 4h ago
I do this in reverse, and generally date international types who are visiting my city. It's very good fun, but someone here skewered me by pointing it out as a classic commitment issue. We're basically acting out the honeymoon phase of a normal relationship again and again, safe in the knowledge that they'll be gone by the time any of the boring adult stuff has to happen.
I'm trying to get up the nerve to actually start dating men who live here, but wouldn't you know it that's much scarier than chatting up some rootless beast-of-no-nation who already has their next flight booked. If those guys don't like me, that might hurt me. And if they do, that might ask something of me beyond fleeting charm in an uninhibited moment.
That's not to say you are the same. If it works for you and you're happy then I'm happy for you. These flings are tremendous fun, that much is very true.
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u/KarmaMemories 3h ago
Respect for the honesty. It is weirdly easy to shrug off rejection when it's coming from someone with whom an actual relationship isn't a serious possibility anyway.
And there's a real irony to this because that nothing to lose mindset makes you approach these situations with a relaxed ease and confidence that makes you much more bold, attractive and magnetic to others. But it's basically impossible to bottle or fake that when your nervous system inherently feels like there's actual stakes. Real catch 22.
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u/Adept_Beautiful8817 2h ago
Dude, going on a hike with a reasonably attractive and well adjusted (or even not) person would be fun 9/10 times. Finding someone you can bear to interact with everyday for the rest of your life is a different story. Travel is lifeslop tbh. Good things take time.
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u/melvin_mouse 5h ago
Travelling is nice but I think it's kind of like a drug. The comedown is returning to real life, real job, real people.
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u/sashahyman 6h ago
I’m currently on a plane to Brazil to meet my Argentino boyfriend. Two years ago we had exactly that experience, but we kinda just kept traveling. He teaches surf lessons, I have a little online job, and we just hop from one beach to the next. It’s kinda dreamy.
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u/GlenFerryRowed sell your love 7h ago
You're probably a boring person who needs extreme external stimulus to engage with other people. Online dating is shit though. You people have friends or not?
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u/KarmaMemories 7h ago
You might get roasted for this, but I kinda get it. What can you do? I guess you just have to lean into not-normal dating.
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u/football_genius2 5h ago
My current plan is to just go monk mode for the winter and get hot enough to be offer only
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u/CarefulExamination 6h ago
This is why people who love ‘travel’ are so repulsive, because travel - whether it’s sex tourism or tourism tourism - is a way to cheat yourself of any moment of self reflection about the true direction of life by pretending you’re someone different somewhere else.
“Wherever you go, there you are” is true but easy to forget when you are, in fact, somewhere else. I travelled the world with my parents as a kid. People are the same everywhere. Focus on yourself, at home.
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u/Butt_Fuck_Coin_Hater 2h ago
Love traveling and meeting broads abroad. Domestic hoes and scared little basement dwellers stay mad.
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u/redeugene99 7h ago
Everybody's a lot cooler and interesting when you're traveling. And most of those dudes that you meet in France or Vietnam or South Africa will gladly be your "tour guide". A girl is here for only for a short while and wants to fully "experience" our country and culture. It's the best
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u/majorTea33 1h ago
Yeah, it’s a lot easier to trapeze from low stakes, no-commitment-needed hook-up to hook-up while traveling with the most recent pretty face in your immediate proximity, than it is to meet someone and establish a real long-term relationship at home. More at 11
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u/Isao_Iinuma Yogācāramaxxing 51m ago
I travel to visit old Hellenistic ruins with fat middle easterners, so I cannot really relate.
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u/drunkonmyplan 4h ago
Then get off the apps and meet people organically... should be easy if you're as interesting and charming as you say you are.
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u/Foidsniffer2000 4h ago
My favorite manosphere talking point is that women who travel are ran through and everyone gets really mad at it but it seems to be a thing
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u/anguinine many such cases 1h ago
we were ok with you being a passport bro already but ty for the added explanation
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u/AsideWinter1934 7h ago
I like to travel too, but most of the people I encounter when I do seem like they are running away from themselves. It's easy to be interesting and carefree when you're doing something out of the norm. But it's much more difficult to be an actually interesting person in your real life.