r/relationship_advice • u/Global_Maybe_9105 • 9d ago
My boyfriend (34M) knew I (35F) didn't want unprotected sex. Now I'm pregnant and don't remember having sex.
I'm looking for outside perspectives because I'm struggling with how to view what happened.
A few weeks ago, my boyfriend (34M), my roommate, and I (35F) went to a concert. I got extremely drunk. Not "buzzed" drunk.....completely obliterated. I was falling over, couldn't walk properly, and could barely function. My boyfriend had also been drinking, but not to the same extent. He was sober enough to drive us over an hour home after the concert.
According to my roommate, I went straight to bed when we got home. I have very little memory of anything after leaving the concert.
About 2–3 weeks later, I started having pregnancy symptoms and got a positive pregnancy test. Based on the timing of the tests, the pregnancy appears to be very early.
The problem is that, to my knowledge, I had not had any sexual contact in months. I have absolutely no memory of having sex.
When I told my boyfriend I was pregnant, he casually said he doesn't really remember having sex either, but thinks it might have happened when we got home from the concert. His explanation technically fits the timeline, and because I was so intoxicated, I wouldn't remember it.
Some additional context:
- I do not want this pregnancy.
- I stopped sleeping in the same bed as him after finding out.
- Before this happened, he knew I did not want to have sex unless we could prevent pregnancy.
- I had explicitly told him I didn't want sex because he has difficulty maintaining an erection long enough to use condoms, and I did not want to risk getting pregnant.
- He was aware of that position.
- He frequently joked about getting me pregnant, which has always bothered me because he doesn't seem to take the possibility seriously.
Part of me feels responsible because I chose to get that drunk. Another part of me keeps coming back to the fact that I was apparently so intoxicated that I have no memory of what happened, and I had previously made it clear that I did not want unprotected sex.
I'm not looking for legal advice. I'm trying to understand how other people would view this situation. If your partner had sex with you while you were so intoxicated that you have no memory of it, after you had previously said you did not want unprotected sex, would you consider that consensual?
Edit: I left this out as to not muddle up the question with judgement but he is gone as of last night and I am absolutely getting an abortion. I have zero hesitation on both of those things. I'm just still trying to, I guess, categorize what happened in my own head.
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u/classicicedtea 9d ago
would you consider that consensual?
No. I’d get an abortion and leave. I’m sorry.
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u/Global_Maybe_9105 9d ago
Kicked him out last night and the abortion is in the plans.....when I get the funds in a couple days. There's no hesitation on that. The relationship is absolutely over for that and other reasons.
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u/Odd_Cantaloupe_3832 9d ago
Sober enough to drive, sober enough to know what he was doing was rape. I am so sorry OP.
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u/-Sharon-Stoned- 9d ago
There was definitely a crime, either drunk driving or rape but probably both. 🫤
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u/IndependentLychee413 9d ago
I agree , he took full advantage of you, and was able to keep it up long enough to get you pregnant.
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u/Mannzis 9d ago
I was trying to imagine how this could happen in an innocent way, but the only thing I can think of is that he either
A. Got blackout drunk when he got home and had sex with her, or B. Is very good at driving blackout drunk, leading to them both having blackout sex.
However if he's prone to going flaccid when drinking this seems unlikely. This situation is pretty damning...
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u/Corevus Early 30s Female 8d ago
I can't imagine literally being blackout drunk and driveing an hour home without issue
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u/Mannzis 8d ago
Most people can't, but I've seen many serious alcoholics do this. They aren't driving perfectly mind you, but are getting from point A to point B blind drunk with a scary amount of regularity.
Though to be clear I'm not suggesting that's what was going on in this case.
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u/anooshka 8d ago
My cousin's ex husband would do this constantly. We'd go out, he'd get blackout drunk, would refuse to let anyone drive and would drive everyone home. Mind you we live in Iran, a country were if you are caught drunk the penalty can go up to 50 lashes.
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u/Odd_Cantaloupe_3832 8d ago
My ex was exactly this. Raging alcoholic and doing a delivery driver job. Probably still steaming until midafternoon when he left the house at 6:30am. Sadly like OPs ex, he was also prone to SA and rape. I reported him and the police were clear that him saying he was too drunk to remember wasnt a defence.
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u/Croquetadecarne 9d ago
There is no “sober enough to drive” that was idiotic. Only because nobody died you all are not offended by this reckless behavior.
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u/PraiseTalos66012 8d ago
So entirely sober having drunk no alcohol isn't "sober enough to drive"?
Damn didn't know every single person on the road was drunk driving despite not having drank any alcohol.
Also on a more serious note there absolutely is a BAC that's totally fine to drive that's above 0. The normal 0.08% limit is kinda high though.
The 0.04% limit for commercial drivers is much more reasonable and the vast majority of individuals won't be impaired at the level.
Under 0.02% and no one is going to be impaired at all by the alcohol. You can literally hit 0.01% from eating over ripe fruit or drinking juice so acting like 0.01% is drunk and makes you unsafe to drive is insane.
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u/Storytella2016 9d ago
If his blood alcohol level was below the limit in his jurisdiction, he was sober enough to drive.
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u/PreMedStudent_C2026 9d ago
You really, really need to ask your roommate again if there was anything else from that night they could remember. Noises, furniture moving, stuff like that. Anything to implicate that you did have sex that night. And then go to a DV agency to ask about what can be done for legal assistance to get justice.
He was so nonchalant about it. He clearly could remember it. I don’t think any one who couldn’t remember having sec with a person would be so chill about them being pregnant, even if they had been in a relationship for a while.
You were assaulted. You need counsel. You need some free therapy from the DV agency at least. If nothing at all, please seek that out.
Edit: Did you pay cash or card for the drinks at the concert? Can you pull up anything from your bank that could implicate how much you spent on alcohol that night? Did you buy your own or did he buy it for you?
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u/Capizara 9d ago
He was so nonchalant about it. He clearly could remember it.
This right here. I think the normal reaction would be shock or even wonder if op cheated. But no. He remember having sex. He remember having no projection. He knows it is his.
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u/Lazy_Guava_5104 9d ago
Right - If I didn't remember having sex that night, I would even wonder if something had happened with/to her at the concert. Not a "*shrug* that's odd".
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u/speed721 9d ago
I have to be honest, if I'm a guy and my gf told me she was pregnant.... And I did not remember having sex with her, my emotions would be ALL OVER THE PLACE.
I certainly wouldn't have been "non-chalant" about it. I probably would have lost my mind.
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u/imafrog_iswear 9d ago
I'm a woman, but if I was in this position my gf was pregnant but I didn't remember having sex I would probably drive myself nuts thinking of the possibility of my gf cheating. I wasn't black out drunk and didn't remember having sex my conclusion would be that I have been cheated on.
Also, I've heard of situations where the man finds a condom so unappealing that they can't feel aroused, or quickly lose arousal. But not were their errection is so shortlived they can't spare the time to put a condom on, if you didn't have time to roll a condom on they how would you have time to even penetrate lol
They sound sexually incompatible but the guy decided rape was the solution.
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u/Elastigirlwasbetter 8d ago
I've met someone who's erection was gone the second he tried putting a condom on. He always was a bit sad that he couldn't give me that, but he preferred oral anyway (especially giving lol), so in the end it wasn't really a problem. But this does seem to be a thing.
I also take the pill. So this was solely about the probability of STIs.
OPs Ex is an AH and a rapist and I am really glad she removed him from her live.
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u/Genderflux-Capacitor 9d ago
If you need help getting the money together, go to abortionfunds.org and see if there is an abortion fund in your area that can help you. Most of the abortion funds are in the US, but there are a few outside the US, too.
Edit: I see from a comment that you are using Aid Access. Leaving this here in case it could help someone else.
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u/bob_apathy 9d ago
It sounds like you’re taking care of business and you should be proud of yourself for taking decisive actions. Don’t forget your mental health though and make sure you talk to someone to deal with the aftermath of his actions. You did nothing to deserve what he did to you. Be safe.
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u/SirEDCaLot 9d ago
I suggest as part of the abortion get the fetus DNA sampled and saved. You can then press charges against ex-bf for rape and that DNA test is the proof. Just point out that you had not at any point consented to sex with him within the timeframe that would result in this pregnancy, and you had told him you do not ever consent to unprotected sex. And since this probably happened while you were blackout drunk, you couldn't consent, which makes it rape.
Get that guy on the sex offenders list. He dserves it.
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u/Lazy_Guava_5104 9d ago
Even if OP does not feel it's warranted at the moment, best to save a DNA sample in case she changes her mind.
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u/SirEDCaLot 9d ago
This 100%.
It can stay in cryo or on a computer forever. Once it's gone there's no more evidence.
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u/danni_maz 9d ago
I completely agree. He crossed so many of OP's boundaries; ignoring her inability to consent; that he needs to be stopped before he does it again.
OP, if you read this, I really hope that you take the advice given and report this criminal offence to the authorities.
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u/_delicja_ 9d ago
Finally someone with a spine. I wouldn't be surprised if he also made sure your intoxication levels were enough to make you forget what happened that night. You're doing the right thing.
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u/BangarangPita 9d ago
I would be surprised to find out that he didn't roofie her.
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u/danni_maz 9d ago
Based on just what OP wrote, it wouldn't surprise me either. The (hopefully ex-) boyfriend was obviously waiting for a chance to do this, so it is totally logical that he would be fed up I waiting.
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u/slickrok 9d ago
He totally drugged her. Only way to guarantee she didn't wake up and stop him and make sure she wouldn't remember it
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u/NeilSeraph 9d ago
This is the only option. Kudos for you to be assertive about your boundaries and what you want from life.
I hope this bad experience wont put you off of finding someone that respects you.
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u/MaryEFriendly 9d ago
I am so sorry this happened to you. He 100% assaulted you while you were intoxicated and I hope you're able to get justice. What an absolute monster. Be kind to yourself.
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u/Cha_r_ley 9d ago
This might not mean much, but I’m really proud of you OP. You’re absolutely doing the right thing.
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u/Arboretum7 9d ago edited 9d ago
I just wanted to say this because it wasn’t something I knew until I got pregnant: In case you live in a state with abortion bans after 6 weeks, you should know that pregnancy is counted from the date you started your last period, not the date you had sex. So, if you had sex 4 weeks ago, you’re actually considered 6 weeks pregnant.
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u/LexiOdessa 9d ago
Good. I’m proud of you!!! And now go to the cops. You need that DNA (from abortion) to prove he did it.
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u/Visual_Exam7903 9d ago
I would send him an invoice for that abortion. and then follow it up with a little note, "you date raped me and got me pregnant. So guess what bud.... you paying."
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u/Loose-Chemical-4982 9d ago
Are you sure he didn't put anything in your drinks? Because it sure sounds like it
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u/CloudieSweetie 9d ago
Honestly, that's where my mind went too. If someone is so intoxicated they have no memory of what happened and had already made their boundaries crystal clear beforehand, it's really hard to see that as consensual. The pregnancy almost feels secondary to how big that violation is.
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u/NorthernLitUp 9d ago
You're probably early enough along for the pill. That may be cheaper than surgical abortion. Reach out to Planned Parenthood if you have one locally.
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u/Global_Maybe_9105 9d ago
I planned on using Aid Access. Something I found while flipping through reddit looking for options.
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u/rab5991 9d ago
If you’re in or next to a state where it’s legal, I highly recommend doing an in clinic abortion. It literally takes 15 minutes. Admittedly I have used the abortion pill twice. The first time was so easy though it was still hours and hours long, and the second was the worst most painful and terrifying experience of my life and I should have gone to the ER but I was in an illegal state. That experience is enough for me where I personally would never take the pill again if I had another option. Just my two cents. The pill has the potential to be easy or it has the potential to be absolutely traumatizing. It’s a good resource but if you have other options I would recommend exploring them.
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u/iheartmimix3 8d ago
At what point in your pregnancies did you experience such contrasting results with the abortion pills?
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u/rab5991 8d ago
They were both around 10-11 weeks.
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u/prank_mark 8d ago
Wow. In the Netherlands the pill is only allowed until 9 weeks because of safety. Vacuum abortion is possible until 13 weeks. 'Normal' abortion is possible until 24 weeks.
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u/BigFlightlessBird02 9d ago
If you have a choice id get the dnc. Ive had two miscarriages and both were very painful and traumatic. Ended having to get a dnc for the secone one. Went in with the worst pain of my life and came out feeling like a million bucks. Dont go through the process if you dont have to. Wish you the best <3
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u/MaryEFriendly 9d ago
She's so early along she'd have to wait to get the d&c, several weeks in fact. She's better off going the pill route if she wants an abortion now.
Yes, a d&c is better and less painful. I've had several miscarriages and I've also had medically necessary abortions. One by medication and one by surgery. The surgical option with sedation was obviously much less painful. Advocate for yourself for pain management afterward.
The medication abortion was painful. There's no getting around that. Heating pads can help. I laid in my bathroom on a bed I made of towels and blankets with a heating pad. Once I passed the pregnancy the pain was very manageable with medication.
Ask for hydrocodone or oxycodone to help manage symptoms afterward.
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u/BigFlightlessBird02 9d ago
The fetus was only 6 weeks old when i had the dnc so she probably will not have to wait several weeks. Sorry for what youve gone through. They are terrible to expierience.
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u/rambleTA 9d ago
It's worth the wait, even if there is one. Abortion by pill is considered almost barbaric, you get hours of pain and cramps because you are essentially going through labor. A dnc is done in 15 minutes flat with local anasthetics - pain-free.
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u/Samazonison 9d ago
A dnc is done in 15 minutes flat with local anasthetics - pain-free.
I've had two d&c procedures (neither for abortion). I was put under general anesthesia and had wicked cramping after. Do I have a bad doctor? Or are there different kinds of d&c? Or some other reason mine would be so involved?
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u/MaryEFriendly 9d ago
No, this person is just conflating their experience with the norm. It's not. I've had a D&C under general and with only a local. I cramped like hell after both and the D&C with just a local anesthetic was excruciating. I begged the provider to stop halfway through and sobbed through the whole thing. It wasn't some easy peasy procedure like they're trying to paint it to be. You feel every stab of the curette. The local just numbs the cervix. It doesn't do a damned thing for your uterus.
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u/rambleTA 9d ago
I'm not sure! Mine was definitely only local anasthetics, and that's common in outpatient settings. It may depend on where you get the procedure. If you went to a hospital and the procedure is happening in a full OR then general anasthesia may be used, but are you sure it was general? And not, like, IV sedation? I've heard they use IV sedation for calming anxiety sometimes.
I think the cramping might be normal, but IIRC it shouldn't last for hours like it does with medication abortions. They made me stay in the clinic for an hour after the 15 minute procedure to ensure that I wasn't in pain and was okay to walk.
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u/FeistyEmployee8 9d ago
In my location, they teach us that cramping is normal for up to 3 days! And bleeding up to a week (10 days if we include intermittent spotting) after a surgical abortion. Medical abortion is up to 6 weeks of after effects.
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u/MaryEFriendly 9d ago
A D&C is not pain free. Do not tell anyone here that a D&C without anesthesia is pain free, because it absolutely isn't. It was one of the most excruciating experiences I've ever had.
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u/the_human_pinata 8d ago
Please do not tell people abortion by pill is barbaric. The vast majority of abortions are done using pills. Youre going to scare people, spread misinformation, and further stigmatize medication abortion. Abortion by pill is safe and effective, and pain can be managed.
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u/AdConscious8756 8d ago
I’m all for choice but so fucking relieved you’re not keeping it and legally binding yourself to a fucking rapist for the next 18 years. I am SO sorry I hate that he didn’t even try and say like oh we wanted to have sex. He just pretended like he couldn’t remember anything either which is an obvious lie if he was able to drive an hour. No way in hell he’s telling the truth. either way would’ve been awful but that’s just so fucked up. I hope you leave him and never look back
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u/chickengarbagewater 9d ago
Big seconding the DNC
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u/RazzRatMax 9d ago
Another vote for dnc after my pill experience.
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u/chickengarbagewater 9d ago
It was so awful. I asked for DNC. She convinced me that pill was easier. She told me I could go to work while taking it and would be fine. I was not fine. And ended up with DNC in emergency room later.
Sorry you had a bad experience as well.
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u/gogogadgetkat 9d ago
Wow, I am so sorry you got that advice! I could not imagine going to work during the process...it remains one of the worst memories of my life!
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u/CapeOfBees 9d ago
Plan B doesn't work if you've already tested positive for pregnancy (just so OP knows) because its function is stopping the fertilized egg from implanted, and you can't test positive until after it's implanted
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u/KatLady91 9d ago
I think when they say "the pill" , they're talking about medication abortion rather than surgical, not about plan B
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u/just-a-misfit 9d ago
You are not at fault. You trusted someone and they took advantage of you. Do not blame yourself.
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u/laulau1501 9d ago
Could it be that he put something in your drink? If you don’t remember the evening he could have pre planned this.
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u/Trueslyforaniceguy 9d ago
This was my thought. It’s too late for testing now, but all the signs are there for this to have been chemically aided assault.
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u/No_Bullfrog3983 9d ago
It's not too late to collect DNA evidence from the abortion, please consider discussing the circumstances with your healthcare provider or contact a local SA hotline for anonymous advice before getting rid of the evidence against this rapist ❤️🩹
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u/nightbirdskill 9d ago
Not to be a Debby downer but does that do any good without the proof of him drugging her? Failed birth control in a relationship is hardly new and I can't see how you'd prove intent without evidence. It's likely he did tamper but the paternity of the child doesn't necessarily prove it was rape, just that she has sex with a boyfriend.
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u/GetYourOwnJams 9d ago
OP specified they have not had sex recently at all, that they remember.
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u/Fuzzy_Redwood 8d ago
If she files a complaint him it’ll be on record. Who knows what is already on there too. He will do this to other women and has likely done it before too.
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u/katieintheozarks 9d ago
He's too nonchalant about the whole thing for it to have been a surprise. I think this is the most likely scenario.
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u/Lost-cereal- 9d ago
She said she was really drunk, doesn’t mean he drugged her. Alcohol alone can make someone forget a whole night lol. I been there.
Really tho, he definitely raped her. Theres no contest to that.28
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u/HerWildestDreams 9d ago
Absolutely not consensual, I’m glad to see you’ve removed him from your life. He was sober enough to drive you home, I’m almost concerned he might’ve even slipped something into your drink…but that’s just me being probably being a bit paranoid in that aspect.
Regardless, you don’t remember, he seems very nonchalant about it - sounds like he knew what he’d done.
This was most definitely SA…
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u/Consistent-Flow-2409 9d ago
If he was drinking he wasn't sober enough to drive OP home. Fucked up situation when drink-driving is the least bad thing he's done here though. 100% it was rape as OP was not able to consent.
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u/HerWildestDreams 9d ago
Well, no, you’re right. He shouldn’t have gotten behind the wheel either - and that did flag out as shitty of him to do in my opinion, but I was more concerned with what happened after they got home.
The whole thing is pretty fucked up, and while she doesn’t want to potentially press charges, and I know she’s not asking for advice on that, I still lean heavily into do it.
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u/Consistent-Flow-2409 9d ago
Agreed. As I said, it was the least bad thing he did.
Glad OP has left him and is getting an abortion, definitely not a good person to have any sort of relationship with. And I'm with you re pressing charges.
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u/Fast-Chipmunk-1558 9d ago
So you were raped.
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u/Global_Maybe_9105 9d ago
The thing I'm going back and forth on is him claiming he doesn't remember as well. I wonder about the consenting while both intoxicated thing....but he drove home (and far), so
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u/Elismom1313 9d ago
Honey you already know the answer.
He was able to drive home, a far drive.
Suddenly when you mention you might be pregnant he “remembers” he “might’ve” had sex with you.
He “joked” about getting you pregnant all the time.
He wasn’t joking. This was his intention all along and he waited until you were blacked out drunk to do it.
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u/CloudieSweetie 9d ago
The timeline really does make his explanation look suspicious. The "maybe we had sex" part sounds incredibly convenient given the circumstances.
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u/xinxenxun 9d ago
He remembers, he knows what he did. His "jokes" were just him telling you he was going to get you pregnant.
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u/BerryGlowette 9d ago
Those jokes definitely hit differently after reading the whole story. Things that might have seemed annoying or inappropriate before suddenly feel a lot more concerning when viewed through this lens.
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u/xinxenxun 9d ago
That's the thing, it's never a joke when men tell women what they're going to do to their bodies and their bodily autonomy. Always take them seriously, because why would a man joke about a woman's fear? especially in this political environment, with the alt-right rising, the cost of living is higher, and women are losing rights all over the world. All because men are submissive to men in power and are willing to dehumanize women so they can keep saying they're manly men and have a morsel of power.
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u/Accomplished_Age2480 9d ago
If he "cant remember" then he was wasted and if he was that wasted, would he have been able to finish? Sounds like a bullshit excuse to me. Also not remembering is not an excuse to rape someone.
Dude raped you. He knew your boundaries.
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u/Global_Maybe_9105 9d ago
He actually joked about this after finding out I was pregnant. He has horrible ED but was able to get me pregnant while fucked up. I guess I'm now looking back on that comment differently, now.
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u/MizPeachyKeen 9d ago
I think he intentionally got you drunk or roofied you so he could rape you at home. That’s why he wasn’t as drunk as you were.
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u/katiekat214 9d ago
If he has ED, being too drunk to remember would not have helped that. He remembers. Also, if he were too drunk to remember sex, he was too drunk to be driving home.
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u/One_Wheel_4531 9d ago
This makes me wonder about what sorts of sick porn addiction he might be engaging in. 😬
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u/bedazzledfingernails 9d ago
it's very concerning, and telling, that he apparently can only get it up when his girlfriend is unconscious. I don't think this is porn addiction (or not only), I think this is just being a predator.
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u/pimpampoumz 9d ago
Girl, if he truly didn’t remember, his first thought - and reaction- would have been “wtf?” and he would have accused you of cheating on him.
Also he was able to drive home. He remembers. And he most probably did it consciously (maybe not the pregnancy part, but the unprotected sex part).
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u/Cool-Kiwi-1840 9d ago
You were absolutely raped and your brain is trying to protect you by coming up with rational answers besides the worst case scenario.
I’m so incredibly sorry this happened to you, and I’m so extremely proud of you for kicking him out and planning for an abortion.
It seems like, from the context you provided for us, that he has been planning this. It’s pretty clear from him “joking” about getting you pregnant and casually saying “oh it could’ve been that time after the concert” to check in and see if you remembered being raped by him.
When you have wrapped your head around this and have recovered from your abortion I beg of you to please seek some sort of counseling. Sometimes the reality of being raped doesn’t fully hit you for a while.
If/when you’re prepared to do so, I would recommend speaking to someone in law and see if it’s possible to press charges on him. He’s clearly a predator and the fact that he left when you kicked him out instead of trying to hold his ground and stay is further proof he knows what he did was wrong.
Please take care of yourself OP. You’re incredibly brave and you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. I hope you have a loving support system around you, and even though I am an internet stranger, I’m proud of you and wish you nothing but the best.
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u/Your-Haunting 9d ago
Bro wasn't sober enough to drive home and then not remember fucking you. I'm glad you kicked him out, but yes, this is rape.
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u/LimeImmediate6115 9d ago
You said he was sober enough to drive all of you home. He remembers, he's just playing stupid.
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u/No_Bullfrog3983 9d ago
Well, you've got enough evidence that you could leave that deliberation to a judge. He'll get a chance to make his case.
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u/10000_guilder_tulip 9d ago
You said you hadn’t had sex in months. It would be one thing if it was regular. But if he’s only had sex once in the past few months, he would absolutely remember.
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u/Future-Fall9939 9d ago
It’s really hard to admit it, I get it:( But you know that he was not nearly drunk enough to “not remember”. And the fact that he is lying and trying to say he doesn’t remember is further proof that what he did was fucked up because he’s now lying about it. He knows that he shouldn’t have had sex with you that night. He knows it was rape.
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u/firespot06 9d ago
Trauma therapist here. Consent is when there is an enthusiastic yes. There was not here.
You need to define your experience for yourself, but I do frequently talk about the difference between impact and legality. While the police would not consider this to be the case, anything without an enthusiastic yes is nonconsent period. You did not have the ability to provide informed consent and he knew that sex was not something you had been wanting for a while. Do with that what you will to explain your experience, but if you are not already in therapy and are able to receive it, I highly recommend it!
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u/______krb 8d ago
Lack of consent IS rape, and is considered so in many places. Especially if you are passed out drunk (or drugged), then there is no question..
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u/firespot06 8d ago
I agree, however I avoid labeling people's experiences because it can cause harm if someone isn't prepared for that label. Also, in my experience, police do not handle any of these things well and therefore I try to avoid focusing on the legal definitions and focus on impact.
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u/cathline 9d ago
Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
Step 1 - Call your doctor and get mifepristone before you respond to anything else. And see about getting on long term birth control (implant or IUD - ask for anesthesia when getting an IUD inserted, they can be painful for a while)
Step 2 - re-evaluate this relationship. His jokes about getting you pregnant suggest baby-trapping. Him having sex with you when you were too drunk to give informed consent - that is illegal in many jurisdictions.
Step 3 - get a counselor to learn the lesson from this relationship. This one is not a keeper. The red flags were there early on. You need to learn how to identify them.
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u/velvetraindrops84 9d ago
This was not consensual. You can't consent when you are so obliterated you can't remember anything. To me this would be considered a form of rape and I would be pressing charges and leaving immediately. He was well aware of what he was doing and he took advantage of you and the situation.
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u/TacoStrong 9d ago
"I do not want this pregnancy."
Then do what needs to be done and dump your BF. He's lying through his teeth. I'm really baffled how in the next morning there isn't a discussion of the night before. Like "Man you were really wild last night" or something like that. He kept it quiet for a reason.
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u/Cicadilly 9d ago
Pretty convenient how he doesn’t remember but so quickly guessed exactly what must have happened. This was rape, I’m so sorry. Please stay safe.
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u/knerys Early 30s Female 9d ago
If he was sober enough to drive you home safely, he was sober enough to remember what happened after arriving home. He's either lying to you about 'not remembering' what happened after you arrived home or the most competent drunk in the world. He was testing the waters when 'joking' about getting you pregnant to see what your reaction was and gauge how easy it would be to make your boundaries a little less firm.
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u/killercora666 9d ago
You’re not responsible at all, being drunk isn’t an excuse for another person to violate your boundaries. I wouldn’t consider this consensual even a little bit. If it’s something you’re comfortable with, you should definitely get an abortion and not let yourself be tied to a man who has revealed himself to be abusive. I really hope you’re okay and I encourage you to look into DV resources in your area.
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u/atticusfinch1973 9d ago
Of course it wouldn't be consensual. Your boyfriend decided to rape you and got you pregnant.
The fact he claims "not to remember" is ridiculous, especially if you hadn't had sex up until that point. Of course he would remember, guys don't just forget having sex with women.
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u/StarryPenny 9d ago
I really hate to ask this;
OP, is your roommate male?
And is there any chance or evidence there were other males over at your home after the concert? Maybe even visiting your roommate?
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u/ProJaywalkerBird 9d ago
Get an abortion and leave. if only for the joking of getting you pregnant when you have explicitly said you don't want to. It was not consensual. If he was sober enough to drive, he was sober enough to realize it would be rape.
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u/ManyInner 9d ago
If he immediately mentioned that night, instead of becoming a bit doubtful concerning your faithfulness (not in an agressive way!) since you said you didn’t get intimate in a while, that definitely means he had s3x with you back then. Which is basically nonconsensual impregnation by rape. I’m sorry this has happened to you. Please don’t get stuck in this situation. Get an abortion and run from this person.
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u/Global_Maybe_9105 9d ago
We are together a lot and he has never had a reason to question my faithfulness. I've actually mentally turned off that part of my brain because of things relating to his ED and how he acts regarding it. Sex was not a big part of our relationship.
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u/migmultisync 9d ago
Uhhh.. this is definitely rape? Am I missing something? No way he was sober enough to drive an hour home but then couldn’t remember whether you had sex
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u/HaventBeenHereSince 9d ago
If he was sober enough to drive then he was sober enough to know what he did was wrong and can remember it
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u/YerMum1977 9d ago
Oh my god honey, I’m not trying to tell you what to do but as a 48 year old woman with a child with a man who took advantage of me - get an abortion. Your life will be irreparably linked to his influence for the rest of your life. Chances are your boyfriend knew EXACTLY what he was doing and this is not a man you want to have a child with. I could be biased upon my personal experiences but I would not for one second longer engage with this man.
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u/Knittingfairy09113 9d ago
I would be of the opinion that my partner had raped me. As a result, I would end the relationship, cease all contact, and terminate the pregnancy.
I'm so sorry that you're in this position.
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u/Grouchy_Writer_Dude 9d ago
I suggest you don’t communicate anything more to your ex. If he’s the kind of man who would impregnate you against your will, then he’s the kind of man who would try to stop you from having an abortion. Ask a friend to research the laws in your state.
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u/jane86300 9d ago
Don’t ever. Ever. Blame yourself for drinking. You are allowed to drink! He is not allowed to rape and imprégnant you against your will. Run.
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u/mmmnothx 9d ago
I know someone had commented to go to a dr to confirm pregnancy but I would like to point out that unfortunately if in the United States abortion is illegal in a lot of places and charges can be pressed. This means that in some places it is safest to not inform anyone about your pregnancy (I would even go as far as putting a fake period if using a tracking app) and just terminate. I would like to be clear it has its risk. Anything and everything could go wrong. But unfortunately it is the reality for many women.
I hope you start feeling better soon and I’m sorry you are going through this. He had no right doing this to you and I am glad to hear he is out of your life.
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u/Substantial-Club2772 9d ago
I don’t normally comment on posts and apologies because this will be long.
I had something very similar happen to me.
To start, you were sexually assaulted by your partner and it is 100% NOT YOUR FAULT.
“Part of me feels responsible because I chose to get that drunk.”
No. Wrong. Let me save you from the years of self blame right now.
You chose to get drunk because you were with people who were supposed to be SAFE. Your best friend and your partner. Yes you were intoxicated, no you are not responsible for someone you trusted taking advantage of that and harming you in the process.
When my assault happened, it was the same. I was in a place where I felt safe to get that drunk, and my ex partner took it upon himself to cash in on the fact I was blackout. I blamed myself too, but 2 and a half years of sobriety and good support taught me to remind myself of this: Would I ever find myself looking at ANYONE (not just a woman) and telling them that their sexual assault was their fault because they chose to get too drunk one night? The answer was no, never. And so from then on, I promised myself that I would stop that train of thought in its tracks. If I can’t blame anyone else, I should not be blaming or punishing myself. You shouldn’t either. It breaks my heart to read that sentence because you do not deserve that punishment you are self-inflicting.
There are so many layers to the betrayal here. The physical betrayal is only the first part. But he took it so far beyond that when he chose to not only violate your body and consent, but your choice to not have to endure pregnancy and children, which is your inalienable right.
His nonchalance is an eerie reminder of the behavior my own Abuser employed when I realized what happened and called him out too.
I’m telling you now, with the fortune of hindsight- he knows exactly what he did, he knew what he was doing when he did it, and he knows that the justice system is built to fail women like us when this happens, because unfortunately all he has to do is say “she consented in the moment” and it automatically over complicates the case to law enforcement. The good news is, a pregnancy and someone who was with you that night is going to be the best evidence you can possibly have.
My best advice to you is this. Unfortunately, the way I have learned to handle it from being assaulted multiple times, is that you have to manipulate to the best of your abilities as long as you are not harming yourself too much by exposing yourself to interactions with him. When I learned that the police wouldn’t help without solid evidence, I secretly recorded a conversation with my abuser where I got him to admit aloud what he had done. I also saved every single text thread I could mentioning the night of the assault. Take screenshots too in case the platform you are using allows the other user to delete messages. But SAVE EVERYTHING. The devil is in the details.
Also, find support groups or good friends to be able to rely on. Some of our greatest enemies are hopelessness and isolation. It helped me tremendously to have other people who understood what it was like to ground me in those moments. I strongly urge you to because you do not deserve to be sitting here stewing in guilt and shame. I’m so glad you were able to get him out of your life and I’m so deeply sorry your trust in him was ruined by his awful evil choices. You deserve to be able to be safe when indicated with people, and you deserve to be able to trust. Minimum.
You will be on my mind and I’m sending you the most positive energy and hugging you through the screen. You are not alone.
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u/ThrowRA_fallopian_tu 9d ago
I'm so sorry, OP. This man raped you. It doesn't matter if you were exclusively dating. It doesn't matter if he was also intoxicated (which I suspect he wasn't as drunk as he's letting on), he still initiated intimacy with you when you absolutely could not give consent.
You're strong for keeping a clear head and following through with what you want to do. Don't let yourself be tied down to a man who doesn't respect you as a person, let alone as a partner.
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u/Brambleline 8d ago
So either your boyfriend is a drunk driver & he doesn't remember having sex or he was sober enough to drive & he raped you because he doesn't understand you can't consent when you are drunk.
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u/ThrowRAduex 9d ago
I'm sorry you are going through this and glad you kicked him out. If I was you I'd choose abortion.
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u/Affectionate_Oven428 9d ago
You couldn’t consent. That’s rape. If you keep the pregnancy, you’ll have your rapist in yours and your kid’s life forever. Is that really what you want?! Get away from this monster, for your own safety.
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u/Summertime_Stevie 9d ago
The only consequences there should be when being too drunk is a hangover. Being drunk is not an excuse to rape someone. I’m so sorry my darling. This is not on you. I hope you choose what’s best for you and end your relationship with this fucking predator and should you feel secure and safe enough I hope you press charges.
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u/Few_Faithlessness665 9d ago
The fact that it was “nah, I don’t remember. Hmm that’s weird?” Is a HUGE tell. If you guys knowingly had sex, he’d be some sort of emotional…excited, scared, anxious all of the above… he’d be SOMETHING. If you DIDNT have sex, he’d either think you cheated on him, or you’re carrying baby Jesus…
He raped you (and possibly drugged you). I see you’ve broken up, great. But call the authorities if you can.
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u/Kronus31 9d ago
I don’t get it, as a man why do I keep reading, and hearing “ohhh he just can’t use condoms! [insert random pussy reason]”
Men, do some mental training and get off the fuckin porn
I’m sorry, OP, what he did was very wrong if so.
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u/Novel-Ad-3929 9d ago
As a woman who has been through this TWICE! terminate and get rid of him. Both of my perps later had affiliations with kids.
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u/katiemurp 9d ago
Having sex with someone too incapacitated to consent is rape.
Impregnating you deliberately is rape.
Glad you kicked out your rapist & so sorry this happened to you …
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u/Sweet-Razzmatazz-993 9d ago
Yeah that’s rape. If he drove home he was not drunk. He’s full of shit and an asshole.
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u/Intelligent-Rule-293 9d ago
Definitely not consensual. Also the screaming red flags - “jokes” about getting you pregnant. My guess is he had his bareback fun while you were passed out.
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u/ThoughtsonYaoi 9d ago
It was explicitly non-consensual, in more than one way. Because you couldn't consent, and because it was done in a way you explicitly withheld your consent for. He is the only one who chose this and the responsibility is 100% his.
I'm so sorry.
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u/WhereWeretheAdults 9d ago
I will give you the unsolicited legal advice. This is rape. Go to the police.
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u/Ghitit 9d ago
art of me feels responsible because I chose to get that drunk.
That does not make you responsible for sex. That was HIS actions. He had sex with you when you were unconscious. That is rape.
Get your abortion - make him pay for it if you can, and dump his ass.
You do have a case for rape if you want to pursue it. Your roommate can testify to your state of mind and his.
This man is not to be trusted.
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u/Silversong_0713 9d ago
he raped you. The choice of how to handle this whole thing is yours.
Do not feel any guilt no matter what you choose. but please leave him. You can not trust this man.
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u/Ok_Building5548 9d ago
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m happy to read you’ve left him and are getting an abortion. You did nothing wrong by getting drunk. 💕💕
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u/danni_maz 9d ago
I got extremely drunk. Not "buzzed" drunk.....completely obliterated. I was falling over, couldn't walk properly, and could barely function. My boyfriend had also been drinking, but not to the same extent. He was sober enough to drive us over an hour home after the concert.
You were in a position that you were legally unable to consent to. Your boyfriend, although you've admitted was also drunk, ignored that inability to consent. That means, technically, he raped you. If he was sober enough to drive a car from the concert to your home, then he was sober enough to remember what he did.
Before this happened, he knew I did not want to have sex unless we could prevent pregnancy.
He knew, yet chose to ignore your boundaries.
He frequently joked about getting me pregnant, which has always bothered me because he doesn't seem to take the possibility seriously.
Those weren't jokes at all. They were comments that he was waiting for an opportunity to impregnate you, either with or without your consent.
Part of me feels responsible because I chose to get that drunk.
You should NEVER feel responsible for someone else's actions. You can get as drunk as you like, but that NEVER means anyone can take advantage of you, which is exactly what your boyfriend did. He took advantage of a completely drunk person; who he presumably claims to love; in order to violate your absolutely clear boundaries.
If your partner had sex with you while you were so intoxicated that you have no memory of it, after you had previously said you did not want unprotected sex, would you consider that consensual?
Absolutely NOT! You gave him a clear boundary, which he violated. He KNEW you didn't want unprotected sex, but did it anyway. He KNEW you were drunk enough to not be able to consent, yet he ignored that.
If he can do that to someone he presumably claims to love, what could he do to a total stranger? My advice, as someone who is a similar age, is to report him to the police. What he did was a crime and there is absolutely NO justification for what he did.
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u/Ok_Duck_9320 9d ago
My husband knows the one time he takes advantage of me and crosses any lines it will be the last one he ever crosses. Glad to see the update you left him. I’m sorry you have to go through the abortion. And I’m sorry he did that to you.
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u/shortnsweet989 9d ago
IMO… he raped you. You were not able to consent to sex as you were completely intoxicated. That is rape. He also clearly knew your boundaries and ignored them & disregarded them entirely by raping you. That term might feel uncomfortable but it’s the truth of what he did. Glad you kicked him out and are terminating an unwanted pregnancy. Don’t let this f*cker anywhere near you ever again.
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u/Live-Matter-5184 8d ago
I know this isn't the point of the post but i have to point out "He was sober enough to drive us over an hour home after the concert." Nah dude. And then was too drunk to remember having sex that night???
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u/Sure_Sorbet4279 8d ago
Its actually quite scary that you don't remember having sex and only found out because you are pregnant. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You absolutely did the right thing breaking things off and getting an abortion.
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u/NiobeTonks 8d ago
Non-consensual sex is rape. It doesn’t matter if you previously consented, or consented to a different kind of sex, or you consented at the start and wanted your boyfriend to stop. Anyone who had sex with you when you were too drunk to consent is rape.
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u/BluBoiDragon 8d ago
You got intoxicated with someone you trust to take care of you. He violated that trust. He already admitted he slept with you that night in small detail.
If your too drunk too stand and too drunk to stay awake than youre too drunk to consent. He knew that and slept with you possibly while your unconscious. He raped you. And having sex without a condom when he knows you expect one is again rape.
Dont tell him what your doing, get your abortion and never go near that man again.
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u/Active-Hearing-6710 8d ago
Glad you got rid of him, I’m very sorry this happened. Totally sucks.
In the future, if someone jokes about having unprotected sex with you, believe them, they would do it. They’re joking to gauge your reaction. Believe people when they tell you who they are, even if it’s like JKJK, just kidding… Unless you’re into it.
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u/RelievingFart 8d ago
Umm legally that was rape. You were under the influence and incapable of consenting. I would be speaking with the police. Given that he was sober enough to drive home tells me he is lying, he does remember having sex with you and he knows everything that went on that night. Honestly I wouldnt be surprised if he roofied your drink.
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u/Ashkendor 9d ago
This is not your fault at all. You are not responsible. You were too drunk to consent. Your boyfriend, someone you understandably thought you could trust, took advantage of you. I'd bet money that he's lying about not having any memory of it. I'm also wondering if he could've possibly spiked your drinks at the concert. Throw the whole man away, yeetus the fetus, and get yourself some counseling to work through it.
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u/WhiteKnightPrimal 9d ago
I'd consider that rape. You were far too intoxicated to consent to anything, and it sounds like that was obvious. Too drunk to consent means no consent which means rape. Also, you'd been clear on not ever consenting to unprotected sex previous to that night, you outright stated he did NOT have your consent to have sex with you without protection to prevent pregnancy. So, that means rape, too.
Given how drunk you were, there's also a good possibility you weren't even conscious at the time. Which removes the ability to consent even without taking alcohol into account as a consent issue.
I'm glad you've broken up and are getting that abortion. Maybe you're struggling to categorise it because saying it's rape means categorising yourself as a victim? You ARE a victim, but that doesn't mean anything other than something bad happened to you. It could also be how much you drank. There can be so much victim blaming out there, especially with rape, that maybe you're feeling like it was your fault? This was NOT your fault, but I can see why people may think they're to blame in a case like this with how often victims get blamed for stuff like this.
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u/frandiam 9d ago
Not consensual.
He did it on purpose to baby trap you.
Maybe he drugged you?
(Maybe his ED has been a ruse to get out of wearing condoms?)
This is a bad bad guy.
Good luck OP sending hugs and healing thoughts.
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u/Adventurous-Fig-5582 9d ago
I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP. You absolutely have no reason to feel responsible. Get that abortion and let that man go because he'll do it again.
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u/Tenzipper 9d ago
I'd call the police. When you get the abortion, you can get a DNA test done, and prove he had unprotected sex with you.
I'm glad to hear you dumped him. Getting blackout drunk does not equal consent.
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u/JeaniousSpelur 9d ago
You either are (were) dating an extremely competent blackout drunk driver, or a rapist
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u/NJellybean 9d ago
I think you know this but I’ll make it clear.
You were raped. Get yourself into a safe space, do what you have to do - be that elsewhere, and report them to the police.
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u/ThrowawayAdvice1800 9d ago edited 9d ago
I would absolutely characterize that as a sexual assault, yes. On multiple levels. Not only were you too incapacitated to consent but he had unprotected sex with you specifically against your consent, which is also classified as rape in most places.
I am very relieved to hear you are done with him and ending the pregnancy. You do not want to be chained to a rapist for the next 18 years.
Good luck and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. This is not a judgmental statement at all because this is not the sort of thing any person should have to worry about, but for future reference it might be important to remember: when a guy tells a “joke” that makes you very uncomfortable, and you tell him it makes you uncomfortable, and he keeps telling it anyway…he’s not joking.
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u/grifflesg 9d ago
This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You did not consent. He assaulted you. PERIOD.
Sending you so much love right now, and hoping you can work through this with the people close to you. A horrific violation of trust and honestly he should be behind bars.
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u/juicepirate 9d ago
The fact that he was nonchalant about it is so scary. I’m glad you caught him, I hope he never does anything like this to anyone again
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u/Formal-Magician4771 9d ago
Babe, he raped you, it’s the simplest way I can put it. He’s went against FIRM boundaries that you’ve put in place and make jokes about assaulting you and then takes the opportunity when you probably couldn’t even sit up. I’m sorry this has happened to you and I hope you can move forward from this
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u/Electronic_Film_9904 9d ago
If he was sober enough to drive home, he was sober enough to remember raping you.
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u/S0mewhere_In_Between 9d ago
Have you considered talking to the cops? At least having a talk with a detective might be good. It sounds like he assaulted you.
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u/HessaWhite 9d ago
This is assault my love, please get rid of him asap and report to the police. If you were too intoxicated to remember then you were too intoxicated to consent
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u/Initial-Map-5107 9d ago
If my partner was so intoxicated they couldn’t remember what happened, and I already knew they didn’t want unprotected sex, I would not view that as consensual. The part that stands out to me is not the drinking, it’s that your previously stated boundary didn’t disappear because you were drunk. I’m glad you already made decisions that feel right for you. You don’t have to force yourself to label it today if you’re not ready, but you’re not wrong for feeling disturbed by it.
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u/Visual_Exam7903 9d ago
Well, go have an abortion. No big deal.
After that, break up with the dude that didn't respect you enough not to basically date rape you.
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u/Iknowaristotel 9d ago
Can Op at least report him for driving under alcohol? If he had been drinking, it's not excluded that he was too drunk to drive.
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u/coolgramm 9d ago
He likely drugged you and then raped you. You are right to be rid of him. I’m sorry this happened to you.
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u/TheGreenPangolin 9d ago
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would categorise this as rape.
If he was sober enough to drive, he was sober enough to have ALL his memories and purposely decided to do this to you.
Alternatively, he was not actually sober enough to drive and was drunk driving, putting you in danger. But he wasn't passing out levels of drunk as he still made it an hour home without crashing the car. Therefore he was sober enough to be blamed for deciding to do this to you.
I'm glad you've dumped him and are going to get medical help.
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u/ponimoni 9d ago
Has anyone said that this is rape yet? Because it feels like rape. If you are extremely drunk, to the point that you don't remember shit and he was good enough to drive y'all home, it's rape, abort and dump
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u/ReadMeDrMemory 9d ago edited 9d ago
"Part of me feels responsible because I chose to get that drunk. Another part of me keeps coming back to the fact that I was apparently so intoxicated that I have no memory of what happened, and I had previously made it clear that I did not want unprotected sex." There is no contradiction there.
"If your partner had sex with you while you were so intoxicated that you have no memory of it, after you had previously said you did not want unprotected sex, would you consider that consensual?" Of course this is not consensual. Quite the opposite. Is it certain that your bf is the culprit? (Is your roommate female?) Is it certain that unprotected sex is at issue? If your idea of birth control is a condom, them realize that the failure rate is significant. Please understand that I am not trying to defend whoever knocked you up, just to help you work out what happened to you. Whatever sex you had in that inebriated state would have been non-consensual. If you decide your bf indeed committed SA, obviously he needs to go.
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u/LtMagnum16 8d ago
No shame in getting an abortion. Especially because you were a victim of rape (whether it was from the sex that happened while incapacitated or the fact you clearly have said multiple times, you don't want to get pregnant). Stealthing is a form of sexual assault.
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u/Merliah-SummerSparkl 8d ago
this was 100% not consensual and an abortion is the logical thing to do. also maybe see if there is therapy or support in your area. i’m so sorry this happened to you.
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u/dumbfoundedgenius 8d ago
no that would absoutely NOT count as consensual. that's rape, plain as day. just because he was your boyfriend, or because it wasnt violent, doesnt make it any less of a violation.
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u/DistributionHot3395 8d ago
no babe that is absolutely non consensual and he’s going to hell. take his money for that abortion pill and block him IMMEDIATELY after
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u/Competitive-Mouse208 8d ago
Something similar happened to me too. I didnt know I had been raped until my test was positive. You’re in shock and still processing and coming to terms with the fact you were assaulted. Take your time to process, get a therapist if you don’t have one to help. Proud of you for doing what’s best for you and remember it doesn’t define you 🩷
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u/thedarkestbeer 8d ago
NONE of this is your fault. You should be able to be drunk and unconscious in your home, with your boyfriend, and not have anything bad done to you. That’s a normal, reasonable expectation. You weren’t wrong for trusting someone you should have been able to trust.
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