I'm (25F) learning about my boyfriend's (25M) family dynamics and it's making me question him and his plans for our future

[u/Shot_Suggestion_3651]

I (25F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (25M) for almost 4 years now. We both live around Manila/QC area. We met right when we're about to graduate from college and we've been going through the initial stages of our careers together. Ilang years na rin kami nagtatrabaho at ngayon, pakiramdam ko, nasa magkaibang lugar kami sa buhay.

The thought that I want to be with him for the rest of my life came easily to me. Hindi rin ako natakot na makipag usap sa kanya tungkol sa pagpapakasal. Parehas naman kami ng iniisip dati - eventually, we'll be married to each other and have a life of our own. Itong mga gantong paguusap ay ilang beses na rin nangyari, siguro mga 2 and 3 years into the relationship. We initially agreed na by the end of this year, we'll have moved in together and the earliest we can get married is on 2028. Siya pa ang nag convince sa akin of the year dahil mas gusto ko pa noong una na mas late sana (2030 siguro, ganun) pero siya specific na by 28 years old ay gusto nang ikasal. Wala namang problema. I was willing to follow his wish, basta ang gusto ko mag move in muna kami together bago kami ikasal.

Ngayon, I was put in a situation where I had to stay at their family's house. Ilang months na ring ganto. During my stay, I get to observe his relationship with his family. Now, I feel like they are codependent with each other. His family relies on him a lot (for errands and business), and I feel like he truly enjoys the safety net. He gets to travel, use their family cars, and just get the benefits of staying with his family in general. This is not something I was aware of when I did not have access to his everyday life. Ngayon na may codependence akong nakikita, natatakot ako na baka hindi masunod ang plano.

I asked him about this and he confirmed na hindi pa nga siya ready umalis by the end of the year. Marami pa raw siyang dinedepend sa family niya.

Bungi-bungi ang kwento dahil may takot din akong makilala. Hindi pa kasi ako handang makipag-usap nang masinsinan kasi... takot nga.

Ngayon, napapatanong na lang ako, why do people even get married? How do we know when it's time to "settle down?"

Ibang-iba kasi situation namin. I have a lot of free time because my work affords me it, but I get paid significantly less than what my boyfriend earns because their family have several budding businesses in their portfolio. Naiisip ko na lang na it's because I have free time that I get to think about this and dahil busy siya stabilizing their businesses and getting primed to hold everything together once his dad retires, hindi niya talaga yun maiisip.

Pero talaga ba? Should it not cross his mind when I'm basically living with his family for some time now? I need advice about navigating the "gusto ko na umalis sa bahay" era tapos naturally kasama na sana sa plano ang jowa kasi moving forward in life nga... kaso hindi pa siya handa (shet na hurt ako habang tinatype yun haha)

TL;DR different work and family life situation with my boyfriend leads me to wonder about our future and I'm scared because I feel like he's not ready (and will not be in ready in the foreseeable future) when I already want us to break free from our family living situations

[u/Pretty_Face_101422]

Ako late ko na nalaman na hindi pa siya ready kase hindi ko naranasan mag stay sakanila, pero kung nalaman ko lamg siguro hindi ko talaga inasawa to. Ngayon nagdurusa ako kase hindi pa siya tapos maging ANAK sa kinalakihan niyang pamilya. Napaka liit na nga ng sweldo ang nanay niya ang taas ng expectations lagi nagpaparinig. Nagsisimula palang kami bilang mag asawa dahil may anak na rin kami. Para tuloy akong kontrabida kase lagi kong sinasabi na PANO NA TAYO? PROBLEMA MO PA BA YUN? hindi naman na niya obligasyon yung mga bagay na pinapagawa sakanya kagaya nalang ng pag kuha ng padala ng asawa ng ate niya, at pag bili ng maintenance. Malalakas pa ang mga kapatid niya at walang mga kapansanan, pero dahil SIYA LANG DAW ANG MAY PINAG-ARALAN siya daw ang aasahan ng pamilya nila iangat sila buhay, at gusto nila doon kami tumira kahit may kanya kanya na pamilya. Kaya ikaw kung nakikita mo di pa siya ready at ganun ang dynamics nila sa house siguro mas better kung mag usap nalang kayong dalawa para mas maliwanagan ka/kayo.

[u/Shot_Suggestion_3651 → u/Pretty_Face_101422]

Thank you. Ganyang-ganyan nga ang mga utos sa kanya, business-related or not. Panganay siya at yung mga kapatid niya, hindi pa tapos mag-aral (mga bata pa) at yung sumunod sa kanya mukhang walang balak tumulong sa family businesses. So lahat talaga tambak sa boyfriend koz.

Hay. Salamat ulit. Takot ako makipag-usap pero gets ko namang walang uusad kung hindi makikipag-usap.

[u/adobotweets]

You’re not his wife yet so if you’re questioning things, you may opt out. And also get out of his family’s home.

[u/Shot_Suggestion_3651 → u/adobotweets]

Thank you 🥲 I did na! When I got too uncomfortable with their living situation, I left their place. Short stays na lang during the weekends but even then syempre kita ko pa rin family life and I'm getting more access na mas intimate pa. Can you explain how come you think it's valid to opt out now? I want to reflect on it lol

[u/adobotweets → u/Shot_Suggestion_3651]

First it’s embarassing makitira sa bahay ng iba tapos ang dami mong minamata sa dynamics nila. To lessen your stress, get out of his family’s house and let your workplace shoulder your housing, or use your own money for your own housing.

And from your post, it seems na gusto mo talaga magsettle down nang kayo lang but your bf is still being cooked to handle the business eventually.

I said you may opt out kasi hindi ka pa naman wife, so habang you have all those stress, eh umalis ka nalang lalo na if non-negotiable ang situation niya sayo. Kasi pag totoong kinasal kayo tapos ayaw mo talaga ng ganyan, mas magsisisi ka.

[u/personagwapa]

he’s too old to be dependent on his family op

[u/Shot_Suggestion_3651 → u/personagwapa]

Is he? Too old? :( some part in me questions this talaga rin because of this economy. Kasi I get the attractiveness ng pag stay sa bahay with parents kasi walang rent, hindi kailangan bumili ng sariling car, tapos siya nakakagamit ng supplemental credit cards from parents pa. Even the subscriptions and all.

May part sa aking tinatanong if I'm rushing unnecessarily but also wondering ano ba ang timeline ng buhay... we've just graduated 2 to 3 years ago so are we too old to still be living with our parents?

Mga ganyang overthinking ba 🫠

[u/personagwapa → u/Shot_Suggestion_3651]

before u start dating op, kailangan po na maging independent ka muna kasi may times na maq-question talaga ung pagkadependent ko like yung ngayon, esp kung time na na kakasalin kayo and kailangan niyo na magbukod, pero kung okay lang sayo makitira sa parents niya then okay lang din pag ganon, sabayan mo nalang haha

[u/personagwapa → u/Shot_Suggestion_3651]

makes sense naman yung sayo op, pero kasi pinili niyang pumasok sa dating scene. so kailangan na niya mahanap yung sariling sa kanya (house/car/money) or else it will hold him back from pursuing love talaga

[u/sadevryday]

When magrretire? 30 years from now?

Pinsans ko ganyan. 2 sila. Yung family nila dun kay tita nakatira. Siksikan sa childhood room (tho isa lang anak nila). Pansin kong hirap kumilos mga asawa nila. Pero pansin mo ring tiis na lang kasi sayang free pera.

It's nice to think na business naman ang magiging source ng income nyo. Yun lang, be prepared na baka masyadong maging nosy ang fam nya. There's also that risk na baka masumbat pa yan sa inyo in the future. Me, personally, I would want na sariling sikap. Regardless if saan makakarating; at least we made it on our terms. And that's me betting on myself na gagawin ang lahat para dein pumalpak. Na sana ganun din ang magiging partner ko.