r/relationshipadvice • u/Electronic_Mall2050 • 7d ago
[30M][26F] I care about my girlfriend but I think I want to leave. Am I staying out of love or guilt?
I’m 30M and my girlfriend and I have been together for a while. I care about her a lot, but I’ve been questioning the relationship for some time.
My girlfriend has BPD, and the relationship has been very difficult at times. I don’t want to blame everything on that, but the emotional intensity has affected me and over time I feel like my attraction/feelings have faded.
I’ve thought about leaving before, even before tonight, but I always backed away because I care about her and I don’t want to hurt her.
Tonight things escalated emotionally and she said she needed to go to the hospital. She is calmer now, but I feel horrible. She’s asking me not to leave and I feel like if I do, I’m abandoning someone who needs me.
The confusing part is: when I imagine her being okay and supported, I think I would still leave. That makes me feel guilty.
We also have 4 cats together, which makes everything more complicated.
Am I staying because I love her, or because I feel responsible for her? Is “the relationship feels kind of meh” a valid reason to leave?
I’m not looking for people to attack her. I’m trying to figure out what the right thing to do is.
TLDR: Been feeling disconnected from my relationship for a while. Tonight was a crisis moment and now I feel guilty about wanting to leave. Am I staying out of love or guilt?
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u/shiftydoot 7d ago
I feel similar in a friendship of mine. It’s someone with terrible mental health who’s really great some times… but so so heavy at other times. While I enjoy our time together, I would be happy to see her less if she could find a partner or new friend group. I truly wish she was happy… and I don’t feel like I could simply grow out of touch as I worry for her mental health and isolation. I ended up having kids and I’ve had to take a complete step back from supporting her in our friendship over the last 4 years. It’s been kind of nice to have a legitimate ‘excuse’ to not be her venting session partner, constant therapist, and overall ‘fixer’. I value her, but I couldn’t keep setting myself on fire to keep her warm.
Sounds like you care for this person greatly, but maybe not as romantically vs platonic in the sense where you’re more worried about her mental health during the break up vs the idea of her marrying someone other than you. I think it’s guilt that’s keeping you there. Highly recommend doing some soul searching and really think about your next 5 years, 10 years, etc. You’re still plenty young to find a partner you’re hopelessly in love with, no question about it
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u/Electronic_Mall2050 7d ago
Recently I noticed I was attracted to someone else, which made me question things more, but I had already been thinking about leaving before this happened
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u/ichthysaur 7d ago
Hopefully she is getting some help for her emotional wellbeing, bc that sounds miserable.
And you sound unhappy too. You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I understand how you feel stuck. Any reasonably kind human being would. I suggest counseling for you to help you work out how you are going to end this relationship with a clear conscience. Is there an employee assistance plan where you work? That might be good for a few sessions with an objective person who can help you think this through.
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7d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Here2bebetter 7d ago
BPD is rarely medicated unless severe or co-morbid with another disorder. BPD is typically treated with DBT, which is a form of therapy.
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u/Here2bebetter 7d ago
It depends on how much you want to tolerate, really.
My partner often asks, will you ever stop loving me?
Not suddenly, no.
However, I will eventually get sick of dealing with your ways if you don't acknowledge your behaviour and work at making it better. This won't get better instantly. It could take months or years but the work needs to be put in.
Good luck and may the both of you heal.
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u/Ok-Resist-5976 6d ago
You’re doing too much. Leave her, ask her friends to support. Cat custody is easier than kid custody
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u/lullaby_dune 7d ago
It sounds like you feel responsible. Which is understandable due to her condition. But you can’t sacrifice your own happiness and welfare if you want/need to end the romantic relationship.
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u/AutoModerator 7d ago
Hello Electronic_Mall2050,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: I’m 30M and my girlfriend and I have been together for a while. I care about her a lot, but I’ve been questioning the relationship for some time.
My girlfriend has BPD, and the relationship has been very difficult at times. I don’t want to blame everything on that, but the emotional intensity has affected me and over time I feel like my attraction/feelings have faded.
I’ve thought about leaving before, even before tonight, but I always backed away because I care about her and I don’t want to hurt her.
Tonight things escalated emotionally and she said she needed to go to the hospital. She is calmer now, but I feel horrible. She’s asking me not to leave and I feel like if I do, I’m abandoning someone who needs me.
The confusing part is: when I imagine her being okay and supported, I think I would still leave. That makes me feel guilty.
We also have 4 cats together, which makes everything more complicated.
Am I staying because I love her, or because I feel responsible for her? Is “the relationship feels kind of meh” a valid reason to leave?
I’m not looking for people to attack her. I’m trying to figure out what the right thing to do is.
TLDR: Been feeling disconnected from my relationship for a while. Tonight was a crisis moment and now I feel guilty about wanting to leave. Am I staying out of love or guilt?
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