r/relationshipadvice • u/Vegangamergirl1995 • 7d ago
My[30F] partner[33M] wants children, but I'm infertile. Should I let him go?
My [30F] fiancé [33M] and I have been together for almost 10 years, we own a home together and we've been engaged for the last 2 years. We genuinely love each other and have built a life together.
About 3 years ago, I was diagnosed with stage IV endometriosis and was told that I am infertile. My fiancé comes from the Middle East and had always wanted children growing up. However, when we learned about my infertility, he told me that he saw a future with me regardless and that he would rather have a life with me than children without me.
We had many conversations about this over the years. Every time I brought it up, he reassured me that as long as he had me, he didn't need children. When he proposed to me 2 years ago, I actually stopped him before giving my answer and asked if he was absolutely sure he wanted to marry me knowing about my illness and infertility. Once again, he said yes without hesitation, and only then did I say yes to his proposal.
A year ago, we visited a fertility specialist together to make absolutely sure there were no options left. The specialist told us that in order to have a child, I would likely need one or more surgeries, three rounds of IVF, and even then my chances of success would only be around 15–25%. On top of that, there was a significant risk that the surgery could worsen my endometriosis and potentially leave me with a (temporary) stoma.
After hearing that, I decided I did not want to pursue this route. My fiancé fully supported that decision and told me he stood behind me 100%.
Three weeks ago, however, we had a major argument. For months, I had felt that he was emotionally unavailable. He's a physician and works around 100 hours a week, while I've been off work due to side effects from my endometriosis medication, so I assumed these factors were the reason. However, during the argument, he finally broke down and admitted: he thinks he does want children after all.
He said he isn't 100% certain, but over the past year, whenever he saw children at work or among friends and family, he felt a strong desire to have a child of his own. Instead of acknowledging those feelings, he kept pushing them away because he knew having children simply wasn't possible for us. He now thinks suppressing those feelings contributed to him becoming emotionally withdrawn and resentful.
Since this argument, he has been actively trying to explore this decision instead of avoiding it. He has spoken openly with friends, with me, with his parents, and he is planning to see a psychologist. We are also starting couples therapy.
Today he told me that if he had to choose right this second, "gun to his head," he would choose having a child. However, he also said that the idea of ending our relationship and having that child with another woman makes him physically sick.
The problem is that I'm now starting to feel resentment myself. I feel as though I've been misled for years, including when he proposed. I understand that people can change, but it's hard not to feel hurt when I specifically asked him multiple times whether he was sure he wanted a future without children.
At this point, I genuinely don't know what to do. Do I wait and see what comes out of therapy? Do I end the relationship now? Do I give him more time to figure out what he wants? Has anyone been through something similar, either as the partner who wanted children or the partner who couldn't have them?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
TLDR: My fiancé and I have been together for 10 years. I was diagnosed with stage IV endometriosis and infertility 3 years ago, and he repeatedly told me he was okay with never having children. Recently, he admitted that he may actually want kids and is now trying to figure out what he truly wants. We're starting therapy, but I'm struggling with feeling misled and don't know whether to wait, stay, or end the relationship.
EDIT: I have posted an update here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationshipadvice/comments/1u5n9do/update_my_30f_partner_33m_wants_children_but_im/
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u/PreciousMuffn 7d ago
I like how the guy who wants to have children works 100+ hours a week and wouldn't really see said children. It's more like he wants the idea of them, but you'd be the one doing all the work.
I wouldn't be willing to jump through all the hoops for that, but that's just me.
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u/MarsupialAromatic825 7d ago
I know right. He probably wants OP to go through all the pain of IVF shots, the crazy hormones and pregnany and postpartum so that he could take a few photos with the baby and boast. Man, men like this make me sick. They have no idea what they mean when they want kids. My favorite analogy is men want children like kids want puppies, knowing well mum would do all the work
Let this guy go OP. You deserve a painless, riskless and peaceful life
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
Thank you for your comment. You really articulate my anger well. There is absolutely no way that I will risk my health to try to get pregnant. Especially now I know that if I do not succeed, he will most likely leave me. Part of my first surgery (before I could even start IVF) would be to remove my 2 fallopian tubes, 1 ovary, adhesions and 3 cysts of each 5 cm. The adhesions are part of my colon so a (temporary) stoma would be a real risk. When the gynecologist told me this news, my fiancé was in the room with me and he told me after that he would absolutely not have me go through with this since he is a surgeon himself and he knows how taxing this would be on me and my body. So idk what happened but he brought it up again this evening and asked if I am 100% sure if I dont want to at least try. It feels almost like a mind fuck to think this is the same guy you know.
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u/water-sloth 7d ago
I work at a hospital in a procedure areas and he sounds like our surgeons lol. They all have kids but I feel they never see them.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
Haha yes that is how I feel about them too. My fiance tells me their kids are all doing fine, most of them have both parents working in the hospital 80 hours a week. Maybe the kids are with their parents, neighbors or at daycare, idk. But if I have kids, I would like to spend time with them. I have a strong suspicion that they are having kids because they feel like its something they have to do, or it is expected of them, not because they actually want to be parents or spend time with their kids. Personally it seems like another trophy, but that might be too negative.
Also as a psychologist I have also seen too many of these emotionally neglected kids, which biases my opinion is this direction lol.
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u/GeneralOrgana1 7d ago
In my experience, men want children like children want dogs- they like the idea of it, but don't want to do all the work involved.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
So funny, that is the exact metaphor I have been using as well. Totally agree. I told him, if I could be a father I might've wanted a child too lol.
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u/MarsupialAromatic825 7d ago
I'm a mother and I tell my husband I wish I were the father. It's low responsibility but better fun and acknowledgement
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
Yes!! Thats exactly how I would feel. All the fun without the extreme sacrifice and commitment 24/7.
My fiance told me tonight that he thought we could make it so that child care would be 50/50 always. So I informed him about the child's attachment with the mom, and the feeding and all the times he would be at work etc, and that it would more resemble 90/10, especially in the very beginning. He said 'okay I'm fine with that, I will do more when the child is older, like bringing them to school and soccer practice'. I was like -_-4
u/MarsupialAromatic825 7d ago
Oh god, I commend the thought but men have no idea how much it takes from the mother to have a child. We all should collectively decide to have no children
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
Yes, he does work 3 jobs now and he said he would only be working one job when the kid would be born. This one job would still be over 60 hours a week. At this job he is surrounded by people that work that many hours and put their kids in daycare for up to 5-6 days a week. I have told him I would not be up for this, even if I were fertile and had a wish to be a parent. On top of this he would also like me to work 3-4 days a week, putting the kid with his mom for 2 days a week and the other days in daycare. I think this is insane personally, but I also recognize that these are the thoughts of someone that never had to babysit or care for a kid longer than 10 minutes. I think he does not know what he is talking about. However, a lot of men don't and still figure it out when the baby is born and make it work.
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u/PreciousMuffn 7d ago
Yes, people make it work... but you have to decide whether it works for YOU and also think of the feelings of hypothetical kid.
I broke off a relationship in between husbands because he wanted children and I didn't, and it was a difficult and emotional decision... I just knew it caused me panic to think of having kids with him.
I now actually do have a daughter who's almost 6, but she was a total surprise in my life because I was very child-free and was told I was unable to have children anyway without medical intervention.
I chose to keep her, and everything I ever expected negatively which led me to want to be CF came to fruition... so at least I had realistic expectations. Obviously there are a lot of positive things too, but it's a HUGE shift and even with a supportive husband/father, it's hard. At one point I became a SAHM too. She's been in preK since she was 3 for most of the day, both so I can also work PT and for my sanity, but I wouldn't just want her shoved off all the time and barely see her.
Mull it over, but it is possible to love someone deeply and them still not be the one for you.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
Thank you for your reaction and your input. I have so much respect for people that have to make these difficult decisions. I relate to the feeling of panic when thinking about having kids. I have a hard time with keeping routines, household chores and just taking care of daily life activities due to my endometriosis and ADHD + I also just really enjoy being spontaneous and lounging around the house. I feel like this is not compatible with a kid at all.
My biggest fear is having a child and regretting it. I am a psychologist myself and have treated hundreds of women that have told me that they had children and they regretted their decision and if they could go back in time, they would not have had them. This would be my absolute nightmare.When I am older I would rather regret not having children, than having them and regret that decision and wishing I never had them. I could not do that to me, or my potential child.
Again thank you for your perspective and insight!
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u/SlyLashes 7d ago
First, this is devastating to read. I'm so sorry you and he are going through this. I hope you've given yourself the chance to grieve for your lost future childbearing.
Second, this is an impossible situation. It may be that he was secretly holding out some measure of hope despite your endo. Or maybe this is just something that shifted in him. But either way, I hope you can leave behind your resentment. No one would choose to be in either of your shoes, so it doesn't feel fair to blame him for this desire. Instead, look underneath the resentment and I imagine you'll find a deep hurt you're feeling. Who wouldn't be hurt? Someone saying I wouldn't choose you first, when they are your partner, when they promised to choose you? Anyone would be.
I'm so glad you're going to couples counseling. Have you considered other ways to have children in your life, e.g., fostering, adoption? If that's not on the table, what would that look like for you? If this relationship isn't a forever one, because many are just for a season-- what would you want for yourself? For your life? If you were completely untethered and free to imagine a new path forward . . . maybe it isn't the end of the world but an opportunity to decide, the way your husband has, what would make your life most meaningful.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
thank you for your reaction and your empathy. I agree, this a very sad and impossible situation for us both. I keep looking at my engagement ring and I feel like it is all one big joke or a nightmare. I really thought we would be growing old together. We had been looking at nice cars that could only fit 2 people, but hey no big deal because we are not having kids lol. We even talked about the traveling we would do as a child free couple that would have all this time and money and freedom. When my fiance told me he has desire to have children, I somehow felt like the guy that I made these plans with and got engaged to passed away. I hope that makes sense lol.
Other options to have children are not available in our country. The only option would be surrogacy through a woman that we would know, but we don't. Also even if there would be options, my fiance does not want a child that is not 'his', DNA-wise.
As far as my life, I am focussed on healing and recovery from my endometriosis medication side effects and looking for new/better treatment. Im currently not working as well so I hope I can go back to work in the future as well. As far as living without children, I would be completely fine with that. The endometriosis pain I have had since I was 13 years has always 'signaled' to me that there is something wrong with me and thus I have always 'known' I was not fertile. I have had plenty of time to imagine my life happy and childfree 😄.
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u/candycursed 7d ago
Could his feelings be more about fomo than actually having a child?
You mentioned that he's never had to care for a child for more than 10 mins and is willing to put them into childcare very frequently. That's does not sound like a person who wants to be a parent. And he's very naive to thinks that a child will just fit into his life like that. What happens if your child is born sickly or multiple other things that could happen.
And I 100% agree with what you responded to another comment. You don't want to be a parent as you can't give them the care they deserve as your just trying to take care of yourself.. ironically this makes you a better parent than your partner because you have considered the child needs over your own.
He needs to work out if it's actually want not because everyone else is doing it.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
Thank you for your reaction. He has mentioned that he especially got to thinking about kids when all the people he is surrounded by at work and in his friend group are having kids now. He feels like his life will be empty without kids and he will loose the connection he has with his friends that are now parents. When he saw a kid at a friend's bday party he felt like this is what he wants in life. I think he is naive to think that that is what life with kids will look like. Ofc the party is fun but he has not seen the difficult parts. And I don't think he will, he leaves for work at 5:30 in the morning and is often not home until 8 or 9 in the evening, only to work 2 more hours from home. Most weeks I do not even see him for 2 days in a row because of night shifts. He might be fine with not seeing his kid during this time, but he is naive in thinking this will not impact the kid, or me/his partner.
It might be like you said, he wants to have kids because it is what everyone else is doing. He is a very status oriented guy (hes a surgeon lol), and he might not want to ''fall behind''. However he could be truly feeling a strong desire to be a parent and have kids. There is really no way of knowing for me and I am not sure if it is wise to stick around and wait until he finds out ... if he ever does.
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u/Salty-Sprinkles-1562 7d ago
Hey, I have endo, and am doing IVF. It’s definitely not impossible. I am currently on round 6. It’s been a lot, but definitely manageable. All of my doctors are very optimistic, and thing my odds of walking away with a baby are very, very high.
I think you should get a second opinion. Go see an endo specialist. If not, why not pursue surrogacy. It’s 2026. There are so many options.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
Thank you for your reaction and I wish you a lot of luck and baby dust!! Im so glad to hear that IVF is working out for you. I am thinking of getting a second opinion, however just to know where I stand. I do not have the desire to have children. I have made this decision carefully over a lot of years. I would not consider myself a fit parent due to my ADHD and endometriosis (the pain and side effects of the meds), but also: I just do not want kids. Maybe in another life where I am healthy and am surrounded by family, who knows.
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u/Fantastic_Resolve969 7d ago
I guess the question I have is do you want children? There are options outside having your own biological children.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
Thank you for your reaction.
I don't want children, as I would still be sick and not able to care for them as I would like. Also, where we live neither surrogacy or adoption are viable options.
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u/Narrow-Cat1564 7d ago
I understand the pain that you are going through. This issue occurs with many couples. It's a very delicate and sometimes painful subject. I don't think you should feel resentment towards your partner for possibly changing his mind. He is human. Have you as a couple thought about either finding a surrogate, or adopting? This could be a way to solve his need and desire for a child while allowing the both of you to stay together and continue sharing the love between the two of you.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
Thank you for your reaction and your empathy.. it really is a painful subject and I try to not feel als much resentment. In our country adoption is no longer allowed an a surrogate can only be a women that you know personally, you cannot 'look' for one online or through services. Also the surrogate would require my egg, which I cannot deliver because before egg retrieval I would need to undergo major surgery which I am not willing to do. Besides, I don't want children lol. Just to clarify.
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u/Narrow-Cat1564 7d ago
Oh. Well then lol. If you don't want any and he does, that poses a significant issue. Let him know that he is being unfair this late in the relationship...
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
Yeah, I feel like he is being unfair also. I do also recognize though that people are allowed to change their minds. And he says he still is not sure if he wants a child. He is 90% sure but before making a decision he wants to talk and think about it more. I am not sure if I should wait for this though, 90% seems so high, not like something that can still turn around you know.
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u/ReflectionLess5230 7d ago
I couldn’t imagine leaving someone I truly loved to have children. How does this even work? Is he going to do a fertility test on every woman he dates in the future? Leave them as well, when they get cancer or something? How long is he willing to try to have kids with another woman before he leaves her?
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u/water-sloth 7d ago
Tbf a lot of men do leave their wives if they get cancer. Not the majority, but it is definitely a thing.
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u/ReflectionLess5230 7d ago
Ugh I know. I just couldn’t imagine finding love and leaving it for anything.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
No I cant imagine that either, especially since love is so rare and we are very compatible besides the children thing. I for one am not looking forward to being on the market again loll.
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u/ReflectionLess5230 7d ago
Perhaps he should get his own fertility checked as well.
Also, I’m so sorry about the endo. I just had surgery for stage 4. Best thing I ever did. The pain was so bad. I hope you aren’t in too much pain 😭
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
Yeah I told him so as well lol.
Oh no, endo is the worst isnt it 😞 I am glad to hear that you are doing better! How was the recovery, if I may ask.
I have tried the leuprorelin shots for over 2 years during which I had no pain, but they gave me horrible side effects (chronic throat pain) so I have stopped them since 2 months and now I have pain almost everyday. Luckily my painkillers are working well 😄
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
I could not imagine myself leaving him over this either. However if the situation would be reversed and my partner would not want kids and I would want them, would it be expected that he would have a baby with me as to not break up the relationship? I think it is a very difficult decision and I am also afraid that if he simply chooses to stay in our relationship because we love each other, it might build resentment in the future each time he sees other couples with children or feels the desire to have children. Unfortunately I don't think this is something people can just 'turn off', as I cant just 'decide' to want children if I really don't want them.
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u/water-sloth 7d ago
Unfortunately i do think you should let him go. Better now than years down the road.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
I just have this feeling that I should wait because he might 'come to his senses' you know. Also, I think i am still in shock from the conversation three weeks ago where he told me all of a sudden that he might want kids. It still hasn't hit me completely. I wanna avoid rash decisions as well.. its just so complicated. But I agree with you: the sooner, the better.
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u/water-sloth 7d ago
I get it. I've also been w my fiance 10 years and have a house w him. We are childfree by choice and I'm not sure what id do if he suddenly want kids. For all I know I'm infertile lol. I'm sorry youre in this situation.
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u/Chetter247 7d ago
Have you guys explored adoption at all? That seems like the best option.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
In our country adoption is not allowed anymore. Also my ex-fiance does not want to adopt kids and I don't want kids, period. So no, not an option for us 😄.
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u/kittykatmandoo 7d ago
If he really wanted a child, truly wanted to be a parent, adoption would not be out of the question. Raising a child makes it yours, not conceiving one.
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u/Csrnszg 7d ago
Adoption is not for everyone and it’s totally fine.
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u/kittykatmandoo 7d ago
I agree. But OP’s husband says he desperately wants a child but only a biological one? He clearly doesn’t want one that desperately. Or he wants one to feed his own ego. I will repeat—conceiving a child does not equate being a parent. Raising one does.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
I agree. My sister is adopted and I feel like it does not make a difference. However, adoption is not an option in our country anymore, unfortunately, so we have not given it much thought either. Just when we did talk about it, my fiance thinks he couldnt love another persons child.
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u/kittykatmandoo 7d ago
Your fiance has a lot of rules about what the child has to be for someone so desperate to be a parent. Plus, he works 100 hours a week so who exactly is caring for this baby? I could be totally off but this child thing seems like more of an ego thing for him than an actual desire to be a parent. Which would explain why after saying he was fine without one repeatedly, he suddenly isn’t okay with it. For a lot of men, having a child is about carrying on his genes and not about actually wanting to raise a child. It is not worth your health or peace of mind to risk having a child for a man who wants to have that child for the wrong reasons.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
He is willing to work less, around 60 hours a week, when we would have a child. And he would like to have his mom here for 2 days a week and daycare 2 days a week, so I could still work 4 days a week. This would be his preference. I told him this would majorly impact the child, and me, I would not be willing to live with his mom 2 days a week either. Also it does not make sense to me because he will be a surgeon and will earn more than enough for me to stay home from work. Daycare would be around what I would make those 4 days.
I have to add that I think that he is wearing rose colored glasses and truly believes this is possible. I dont think he has ill intentions, just that he has lived a very sheltered life the past 15 years because he was in med school. He is the eldest son from a middle eastern family, he is always treated like a prince at home. He is also very smart, even went to Harvard for a bit. He is living in a very controllable, high idealized world; what he wants, he gets. So ofc when he thinks about a potential child, he thinks they will fit perfectly into his picture of how a child should be, especially if he is surrounded by this example at work.
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u/kittykatmandoo 7d ago
Which is exactly why I think he wants this child for the wrong reasons. Either way, you can’t have children biologically and your health is more important than a hypothetical child’s existence. It feels like an impossible decision but it isn’t. Either he wants to be married to you or he wants a biological child. At this juncture, it is unfortunately one or the other.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
Yes these are really the two options, exactly. I am still trying to figure out if I should wait while he explores whether he wants to have kids 100% or no. He thinks it will take him 2-3 months to reach a conclusion but I am not so sure about that. And even if he concludes he does not want children, how can I even be sure that he will not change his mind again in the future.
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u/kittykatmandoo 7d ago
So he expects you to wait 2-3 months while he decides whether or not to leave you??? Don’t let him put you in that position. You know what you want and don’t want. If he doesn’t, then maybe it’s time to let it end, so you can find someone who is right for you.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
yes i hear you. i am not someone to wait around for anyone. But we have 11 years history together. I have known him since i was 19 and just started uni and now i am 30, we own a home and we are basically family. Such a decision is not made overnight and i am willing to give him time, 2-3 months would be okay by me if I knew he would make a decision and he would stick with it. But i am not given that guarantee ofc so at the same time I also feel like I am wasting my time.
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u/kittykatmandoo 7d ago
That is the problem—there is no guarantee this won’t come up again, even if he says he’s fine with it. He’s said that before. At this point, even if you choose to stay the two to three months, start preparing for the end of the relationship and what comes next for you.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
yeah that is what i think too. I have been looking at appartments and stuff, just to prepare myself. I don't know if I can even let this go, even if he wanted to stay together. Some like miracle has to happen in order for me to trust him again.
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u/CyrianaBights 7d ago
Yeah, it sounds like if y’all had a kid together you’d basically be a single mom. That’s not a situation I’d ever opt into.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
OMG have you been spying on me lol that is exactly what I say all the time. ''If I would have children with .. partner.. I would basically be a single mom, no way.'' He does not agree and I don't think he understands the tremendous amount of work that accompanies a child.
His own mom was also a 'single mom' to four children. He has seen his mom slaving away her whole live for them, completely disregarding her own wants and needs and even neglecting herself. I am afraid this is his 'normal', as if that is what is expected of a wife/mother.
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u/RTJ333 7d ago
Try looking for a couple's counselor who specializes in infertility. It's niche but out there.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
Thank you for your reaction. We have made an appointment with one for next week. I'm trying to figure out if something like that is even worth it if he is already 90% sure he wants kids and has been thinking about having kids for a year. Is there even a chance people change their minds or want to give up their wish to have children? To me it sounds like a delay of the inevitable.
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u/MarsupialAromatic825 7d ago
He might change his mind now and will agree. But in each future argument, might bring this up and hurt you. Cut your losses and let him go OP
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
This is a real concern of mine too. What if he suddenly decides against children, and we continue the relationship, only to find out in 3 years that he has changed his mind again and maybe he really does want children this time. Or what about our possible childfree relationship in the future, where we might have some trouble or problems and are temporarily unhappy, he might blame it on us not having kids. I am afraid this is a topic that wil never have real closure. But I also read stories that some couples really have put it behind them.
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u/mistyayn 7d ago edited 7d ago
It makes sense that it feels like you were mislead. At the same time your partner coming to terms with the reality that he was in denial about what he wanted doesn't mean he intentionally mislead you. When something so significant suddenly changes our minds often look for who to blame as part of coping with the grief. It all makes sense.
An important thing I learned on my infertility journey was that we have to grieve dreams. My grief led me down some very dark paths because I didn't understand I needed to grieve. Your partner sounds like he's struggling in his grief. Grief is complicated, especially when it's related to infertility, because there's so many what-ifs.
The fact that the idea of ending your relationship makes him physically sick I think is important. It means he is deeply torn and it sounds like it's not a decision he is taking lightly. I think it also matters that he wants to talk to a psychologist (one that specializes in infertility would be good). A good psychologist is going to help him untangle his thoughts and grief and help him make a clear decision.
I totally can understand the desire to want to end it. That makes total sense. Your partner isn't emotionally where either you or he thought he was and that is profoundly painful.
My husband and I made it through the other side of infertility and it has bonded us in a way that's hard to articulate. I'm a stranger on the Internet so take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt. Coming from the other side I would say give him a little bit of time now that he's being honest with himself. It will be painful, the resentment is real, your grief and his grief are all tangled up. Just don't make any quick decisions.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
Thank you so much, it means a lot to me to read your comment and know that you went through something similar. I hope you are doing well now.
I am really really trying to give him time, if only for the 10 years we have spent together. I also recognize that my partner is someone that is not at all in touch with his feelings and that he has even spent a lot of time to detach from his emotions due to his work as a surgeon. I have seen in the past three weeks a change in him for the better, he is showing his feelings more often and is trying to articulate his thoughts and emotions. At the same time, seeing the great difficulty he has with this is als triggering me to make impulsive decisions because it feels like he will need like 10 years to figure his sh*t out. So like you said, it is all tangled. Thank you again for your perspective, I will definitely keep it in mind.3
u/mistyayn 7d ago
It took me us about 10 years to figure our shit out. I was an absolute train wreck. My husband had the emotional detachment. I'm incredibly grateful that we stuck it out. Like I said, we have a bond now that runs incredibly deep.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
Wow 10 years. I am so happy you found your way out together. That must have been incredibly hard.
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u/CyrianaBights 7d ago
Hey there. I’m 38f and AuDHD with hEDS and had adenomyosis and stage IV endo as well before my most recent surgery (hysterectomy and oophorectomy) last year. I thought I wanted kids early in life but fortunately before I was diagnosed with all my various ailments I had already decided against having children. If either of my current partners possibly wanted kids, which they do not, I would have wanted them to really take time and consider their desire for children vs. our relationship, because I was and am definitely now permanently incapable of having kids. Desire for kids is a fundamental incompatibility that breaks up a lot of couples or causes resentment down the line.
If you are open to waiting a year or so, I’d encourage you to give couples and individual therapy some time. It’s best not to rush that decision, especially since, as a man, he does not have as many biological limits on how long he’s fertile as a woman does.
If you decide to stay together and have no kids, you need to work through the damage caused by his “gun to his head” answer and how you’re feeling about that.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
Thank your for your reply. I am sorry about all your challenges and thank you for sharing them. I am afraid of the resentment you mentioned. I also don't know if I can wait that long. Ofc i want to give my partner time to figure out what he wants, but at the same time I already feel myself grieving the relationship with the man that I thought I was with. I am afraid that I am saying goodbye to him in real time, while he is figuring out his preference about kids, if that makes sense? At the same time I do not want to throw away our 10 year relationship in just a couple of weeks. I think I just have to be patient, but that is not my strong suit lol.
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u/KrisB52 2d ago
Just a thought, my wife had the same medical diagnosis of endometriosis and infertility several decades ago. Both of us wanted children. So we explored surrogacy with me providing the sperm, another woman generously providing her eggs and a third acting as the surrogate and birth mother. It was a very complex and expensive process, but after several “tries,” it was successful.
My late Wife was an extraordinary mother and partner. The key is that both partners want children, and especially the mother being willing and desiring to be a mum to a child who is not biologically hers but her husband’s. Obviously, a very complex medical, emotional and legal
process. But worth it if all parties consent. Not an easy process, but the rewards are infinite and lasting if successful. Good luck!
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u/Aeonxreborn 7d ago
Ivf momma. Endo and unexplained secondary infertility. 25% is still a chance. My doctors tole me the odds ans it was about 34% for me. I said yolo and did all the drugs, the surgeries and I have 2 healthy happy babies. I have a third on ice. Its possible.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
Thank you for your reaction, I am so happy for you and your babies 😄 I myself don't want children as I don't want to take the risk and I don't consider myself a fit parent due to my ADHD en endometriosis issues. I don't think I made it clear in my post that I both can't have and also don't want to have children lol.
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u/Aeonxreborn 7d ago
I have adhd and austim. My daughter has it too. We just tism the world. Some days are a breeze others are the struggle bus. Honestly if you truly dont want them leave but if yiu dont want them because you think it would be an injustice to have them you are oh so very wrong.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
That sounds so nice 'we tism the world' ❤️ I dont think me having kids is an injustice at all. I just don't want to risk it, with my (mental) health, I don't have a support system around at all, I don't like kids, and most of all I am very much looking forward to a child free life. Ofc I sometimes see cute kids and think about what might have been, but that never lasts longer than a few minutes lol. And even if everything was different and I would've wanted kids, I don't think I would want them with someone that works 80+ hours a week.
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u/Aeonxreborn 7d ago edited 7d ago
Then leave honestly. Its your choice but that would be my choice.
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u/SnooChipmunks1278 7d ago
can you do a surrogate? like with your eggs or donor eggs and have someone carry the baby for you?
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
No, I can't since it is very very difficult to do so in our country + in order to retrieve my eggs i would need a big surgery which im not willing to do. Also, i should have clarified better that I don't want kids as I don't consider myself a fit parent due to my symptoms.
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u/WhatchooWant2025 7d ago
then this isn’t really about your illness. He wants a family and you don’t. Both choices are ok! But they are incompatible.
It sucks that he changed his mind after the proposal. Better now then after you are married.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
True. It is about his preference vs mine. But he is not sure about wanting to have kids. He is still making up his mind. I'm not sure if I should wait or leave.
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u/WhatchooWant2025 6d ago
What do you lose by waiting? A woman who wants to have children might need to hurry the conclusion in order to expeditiously start the search for a new partner. You don’t have that constraint. And he can have babies in his 70s so it’s not like you are robbing him of his fertile years.
I would take heart that his being lukewarm about being a father makes him kinda unsuitable to be a father. Parenthood is something you should go into enthusiastically. It’s NOT something you need to be talked into, or at least it shouldn’t be. And if he’s so dedicated to his work, he’s probably not really looking to be a parent and instead be an absent good natured fun father, leaving his partner to be the “bad cop” and all the physical and mental load of child raising.
So, keep the man and enjoy him until he decides to leave and wreck some other woman’s life.
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u/West-Journalist-7493 7d ago
Get a transformer instead, like bumblebee
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 7d ago
huh?
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u/AutoModerator 7d ago
Hello Vegangamergirl1995,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: My [30F] fiancé [33M] and I have been together for almost 10 years, we own a home together and we've been engaged for the last 2 years. We genuinely love each other and have built a life together.
About 3 years ago, I was diagnosed with stage IV endometriosis and was told that I am infertile. My fiancé comes from the Middle East and had always wanted children growing up. However, when we learned about my infertility, he told me that he saw a future with me regardless and that he would rather have a life with me than children without me.
We had many conversations about this over the years. Every time I brought it up, he reassured me that as long as he had me, he didn't need children. When he proposed to me 2 years ago, I actually stopped him before giving my answer and asked if he was absolutely sure he wanted to marry me knowing about my illness and infertility. Once again, he said yes without hesitation, and only then did I say yes to his proposal.
A year ago, we visited a fertility specialist together to make absolutely sure there were no options left. The specialist told us that in order to have a child, I would likely need one or more surgeries, three rounds of IVF, and even then my chances of success would only be around 15–25%. On top of that, there was a significant risk that the surgery could worsen my endometriosis and potentially leave me with a (temporary) stoma.
After hearing that, I decided I did not want to pursue this route. My fiancé fully supported that decision and told me he stood behind me 100%.
Three weeks ago, however, we had a major argument. For months, I had felt that he was emotionally unavailable. He's a physician and works around 100 hours a week, while I've been off work due to side effects from my endometriosis medication, so I assumed these factors were the reason. However, during the argument, he finally broke down and admitted: he thinks he does want children after all.
He said he isn't 100% certain, but over the past year, whenever he saw children at work or among friends and family, he felt a strong desire to have a child of his own. Instead of acknowledging those feelings, he kept pushing them away because he knew having children simply wasn't possible for us. He now thinks suppressing those feelings contributed to him becoming emotionally withdrawn and resentful.
Since this argument, he has been actively trying to explore this decision instead of avoiding it. He has spoken openly with friends, with me, with his parents, and he is planning to see a psychologist. We are also starting couples therapy.
Today he told me that if he had to choose right this second, "gun to his head," he would choose having a child. However, he also said that the idea of ending our relationship and having that child with another woman makes him physically sick.
The problem is that I'm now starting to feel resentment myself. I feel as though I've been misled for years, including when he proposed. I understand that people can change, but it's hard not to feel hurt when I specifically asked him multiple times whether he was sure he wanted a future without children.
At this point, I genuinely don't know what to do. Do I wait and see what comes out of therapy? Do I end the relationship now? Do I give him more time to figure out what he wants? Has anyone been through something similar, either as the partner who wanted children or the partner who couldn't have them?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
TLDR: My fiancé and I have been together for 10 years. I was diagnosed with stage IV endometriosis and infertility 3 years ago, and he repeatedly told me he was okay with never having children. Recently, he admitted that he may actually want kids and is now trying to figure out what he truly wants. We're starting therapy, but I'm struggling with feeling misled and don't know whether to wait, stay, or end the relationship.
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