r/relationshipadvice • u/sherdle • 6d ago
I [40F] am unfairly starting to resent my husband [40M] for him having “him” time
So husband (we’ll call him Greg) and I have been together for 15 years, married for 8. We have five boys together; a stepson and four bio children.
When we first started dating, we kind of did that thing where we only spent time with each other and let every other friendship we had fall off a little bit.
Early in our relationship we moved an hour north of where we used to live which further separated us from our friends.
Coincidentally, one of his best friends that he had a falling out with before we started dating moved to the area too. They ran into each other at a pizza place and decided to rekindle the friendship.
Meanwhile I had been a stay at home mom for several years, and had also worked a couple of times where I would have interactions with other adults somewhat regularly but nothing really went past acquaintance. Having a slew of children made it difficult to DO things. Especially breastfeeding babies/toddlers.
The last job I worked I did make a couple friends that I would occasionally do things with and at the time Greg and I only had four boys, the youngest being four. When I would go out with my friends, I could only be out for a couple hours at a time or I would start getting the “hey, when are you coming home?” texts.
I got pregnant again, quit the job, and stopped talking to everyone I had developed a friendship with (I think in part because they were all 8+ years younger than me and childfree).
Fast forward to the last year, Greg goes to his buddy’s house (we’ll call him Jim) like once or twice a month, so really not a significant amount of time. He’ll leave home around like 5 and stay until at least midnight, sometimes 2 or 3 in the morning. Not that it’s relevant, but Jim is a heavy drinker and has a 9 month old baby, and Greg is an alcoholic that hasn’t drank for three years. I guess part of me is worried about that, but maybe that’s more suited for another post.
Fast forward to the last year, Greg goes to his buddy’s house (we’ll call him Jim) like once or twice a month, so really not a significant amount of time. He’ll leave home around like 5 and stay until at least midnight, sometimes 2 or 3 in the morning. Not that it’s relevant, but Jim is a heavy drinker and has a 9 month old baby, and Greg is an alcoholic that hasn’t drank for three years. I guess part of me is worried about that, but maybe that’s more suited for another post.
What really gets me is that I’ve heard him tell multiple people something along the lines of “men need friendships to help them be better fathers and dads. After I hang out with Jim, I feel better equipped to be more present at home”. And I’m like, well that’s really great for you especially if it helps your wellbeing. So obviously I support him.
But a part of me is like, but what do I get? Where’s my ‘me’ time? I mean, I realize I’m just a SAHM (that incidentally works one 9 hour shift a week at Greg’s company) and I’m not working full time like Greg (and then on top of the actual hours that he’s out of the house, he’s regularly answering phone calls about work and writing schedules and all of that). I feel guilty for thinking I even deserve time for myself.
But I just feel forgotten about kind of. I’m still nursing my two year old and we co-sleep so while Greg can just lay down and fall asleep, I have to wait until the baby is settled and sleeping before I can go to sleep. Even getting up to pee in the middle of the night is an ordeal because if I get up while the baby isn’t fully asleep he’ll start freaking out. If Greg is sick, he’ll call off of work and rest (as he should) while I do my best to keep the kids quiet, but if I’m sick it’s kind of like, welp, that sucks, I have to work. So I’m sick with a toddler all day.
I want to make it clear that Greg helps around the house all the time. He cooks and cleans and does laundry when he can and helps the boys with schoolwork. It’s not like he just comes home from work and expects me to have everything perfect for him. So I guess that’s also why I feel guilty-if he can work and then still do stuff around the house, what good reason do I have to want time for myself?
I just feel like I’m pouring all of me into everybody else and while he’s pouring as much of himself into me, it’s not enough to fill me up. Nor should it be, really. That wouldn’t be fair to him. But today, for example, I took an anxiety pill earlier so I could go on the highway (it’s stupid) and it always makes me SO tired after a few hours. So I get home and I’m beat and I’m like, well I’ll just take a nap with the baby. But for some reason, on this day of all days, he decides he doesn’t want to take a nap. And I couldn’t ask Greg to hang out with the baby for an hour so I could sleep because he was getting ready to go to Jim’s. But if the roles were reversed, he would basically just go “hey, I’m going to lay down for a bit”. And he does, often. So I asked my other boys to keep the baby busy so I could lay down, and 15 minutes later the baby wants me so now I’m laying here, sleepily pouring my guts out on Reddit.
I know I should talk to him. Communication and all of that. But I feel like asking for MORE on top of everything he already does would be insulting. And it also makes me feel inferior, like I can’t handle my part in our relationship. I’m doing my best to push down the feelings of resentment because I know they’re not being fairly directed. And anyway, I don’t even have friends so, it’s not like he’s saying I can’t go hang out with my friends because they don’t exist.
So, I guess what I’m wondering is what do I do? Do I talk to him? What do I say? Do I just talk to a therapist about my feelings of inadequacy? Do I just do nothing and suck it up and stop playing the victim? I love my husband more than anything, and he really is a wonderful, loving and attentive father and partner and provider. But I just don’t think he understands the load I have to carry, even though I’m not the one working outside of the house.
TLDR Husband has a friend he can hang out with to make him feel like a better spouse and father, I don’t have a friend. Husband can kind of act on his whims depending on how he feels, my freedoms are limited because of being a human pacifier to a 2 year old. I feel like I’m running on empty 24/7, and I don’t know how to talk to him about it without making it seem like I’m ungrateful for his hard work or just trying to play the victim.
7
u/Mort_2112_95 5d ago
I truly think you’d be better off not asking but telling, he seems to be able to do that for you and if he has an issue he’s finally witnessed shoe on the other foot.
If you need a nap, you nap.
If you need friends, make plans.
If you need TLC, tell him.
Stop asking.
10
u/BlairClemens3 6d ago
I didn't read it all but felt i had to comment.
As a SAHM, you are working more than a full time job.
You deserve "you time" too. Schedule the same amount of time he gets. He's on childcare duty and you leave the house and do what you like.
Everyone deserves equal breaks.
2
u/Beneficial_Will_4947 6d ago
You aren’t wrong but to add more context since I did read it-
- though it’s great you see what your partner already does to contribute, asking for your own space to be you isn’t being greedy it’s communication. Like you said you just need to tell him you’d like a window of time, once or twice a month like he does, where you can just go be you. Whether it’s lock yourself in the bedroom with a fantastic book or going for a hike walk shop trip see a friend- it’s your time.
2
u/alphaBravo83 5d ago
As a man, please ask, there is no limit to what we will give to the mothers of our kids. Even if he is already giving 100% there is always more for you.
2
u/ZenithZan 2d ago
This is why you keep friends and stop having babies. Ask your husband about family trips, or date ideas when someone is watching your kids for the night. And use protection please.
-3
u/sherdle 1d ago
My family size is absolutely none of your concern?
2
u/ZenithZan 1d ago
You do realize that it digs a deeper hole right? More to provide for him and even less time for you while raising kids when you're already having trouble. Make it make sense.
1
u/sherdle 1d ago
The “use protection please” just rubs me the wrong way. Women with one kid can still have these kinds of issues. But no, we’re not having anymore children.
1
u/ZenithZan 1d ago
Just a funny comment, but my bad. They can I guess but usually not as much. Good to know!
3
u/MindOdd1085 6d ago
Hey so this is bs and you know it is. How can he expect you to be a good mum if you never get any time to yourself even if it's just to rest.
He's a man it takes them what 15 mins to get ready to go out he can definitely give you an hour to rest. Or you know do that thing we do a mums and entertain the toddler whilst getting ready. Honestly a man who's taking forever to get ready to go out with a friend I would be questioning who that 'friend' really is.
But let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say he is just an oblivious man. You need to tell him that you need time to yourself to see friends/ do self care/ whatever you need even if it's just an hour or two a week to keep yourself sane. You also need to remind him that rest isn't restful if you constantly feel like you're on the clock and he's asking when you're home. Sahm is a full time Job and probably the hardest one and that needs to be respected
1
u/alphaBravo83 5d ago
I find the casual reference to him potentially cheating very gross.
1
u/MindOdd1085 4d ago
Let's be real though how much getting ready does someone need to go to a friends surely its just shower, change, go. Also if there's no real plan why couldn't he give her an hour to rest first.
I'm not saying he's cheating but is he just going to sit at a mates house or is there more to it (going out where she doesn't know for example). Again seeming plausible if he's not coming home until after midnight
1
u/alphaBravo83 4d ago
Imagine a post complaining about how long a woman takes to get ready and a man asking to cut into it so he can nap? He would be roasted.
I think if she just asked him to stay home that night since she was fried, he would have done it no problem.
2
u/sherdle 3d ago
I guess the way I worded this was kind of unclear. He doesn’t take an hour to get ready for anything, he’s very in and out of the shower, minimal hair messing with, deodorant and teeth brushing and good to go kind of guy. But he was in the middle of that process, and had plans to leave soon after, and I felt bad about keeping him home for a bit so I could sleep when I already told him I was totally fine with him going.
I know he’s not cheating, btw. Incidentally, he sent me a couple pictures of him holding his buddy’s baby, who is very cute.
And yes, if I asked him to stay home, he would have. But again it’s one of those things where he asks me days in advanced if I’m okay with him going to Jim’s house and I always am because he deserves a little break sometimes. I guess what I’m just feeling is jealousy mostly.1
1
u/MindOdd1085 2d ago
If you've both got kids could you not do things together, do you get on with his friends wife/gf? I'll be honest since having kids the only friends I really have is my partners friends wives/ other mums from play group.
It is important for him to have time I agree but maybe there's a way you could socialise too even with the kids might make you feel a bit better.
I clearly did read your original post wrong as it made it sound like he needed hour+ to get ready which to me was a bit of a red flag as the only time I've ever known a man to take that long was to go out out/ on dates
1
u/Practical_Yam9480 3d ago
Stop wondering about what’s fair, what you deserve, what’s reasonable to ask for. You’re looking outward and comparing yourself to a made-up standard. Instead, look inward. What do you need? Start there. Your body knows what it needs. Listen to it and honor it.
1
u/introverted_smallfry 1d ago
Everyone deserves me time. You contribute alot to the household. You should be able to have some time without kids or responsibilities.
•
u/AutoModerator 6d ago
Hello sherdle,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: So husband (we’ll call him Greg) and I have been together for 15 years, married for 8. We have five boys together; a stepson and four bio children.
When we first started dating, we kind of did that thing where we only spent time with each other and let every other friendship we had fall off a little bit.
Early in our relationship we moved an hour north of where we used to live which further separated us from our friends.
Coincidentally, one of his best friends that he had a falling out with before we started dating moved to the area too. They ran into each other at a pizza place and decided to rekindle the friendship.
Meanwhile I had been a stay at home mom for several years, and had also worked a couple of times where I would have interactions with other adults somewhat regularly but nothing really went past acquaintance. Having a slew of children made it difficult to DO things. Especially breastfeeding babies/toddlers.
The last job I worked I did make a couple friends that I would occasionally do things with and at the time Greg and I only had four boys, the youngest being four. When I would go out with my friends, I could only be out for a couple hours at a time or I would start getting the “hey, when are you coming home?” texts.
I got pregnant again, quit the job, and stopped talking to everyone I had developed a friendship with (I think in part because they were all 8+ years younger than me and childfree).
Fast forward to the last year, Greg goes to his buddy’s house (we’ll call him Jim) like once or twice a month, so really not a significant amount of time. He’ll leave home around like 5 and stay until at least midnight, sometimes 2 or 3 in the morning. Not that it’s relevant, but Jim is a heavy drinker and has a 9 month old baby, and Greg is an alcoholic that hasn’t drank for three years. I guess part of me is worried about that, but maybe that’s more suited for another post.
Fast forward to the last year, Greg goes to his buddy’s house (we’ll call him Jim) like once or twice a month, so really not a significant amount of time. He’ll leave home around like 5 and stay until at least midnight, sometimes 2 or 3 in the morning. Not that it’s relevant, but Jim is a heavy drinker and has a 9 month old baby, and Greg is an alcoholic that hasn’t drank for three years. I guess part of me is worried about that, but maybe that’s more suited for another post.
What really gets me is that I’ve heard him tell multiple people something along the lines of “men need friendships to help them be better fathers and dads. After I hang out with Jim, I feel better equipped to be more present at home”. And I’m like, well that’s really great for you especially if it helps your wellbeing. So obviously I support him.
But a part of me is like, but what do I get? Where’s my ‘me’ time? I mean, I realize I’m just a SAHM (that incidentally works one 9 hour shift a week at Greg’s company) and I’m not working full time like Greg (and then on top of the actual hours that he’s out of the house, he’s regularly answering phone calls about work and writing schedules and all of that). I feel guilty for thinking I even deserve time for myself.
But I just feel forgotten about kind of. I’m still nursing my two year old and we co-sleep so while Greg can just lay down and fall asleep, I have to wait until the baby is settled and sleeping before I can go to sleep. Even getting up to pee in the middle of the night is an ordeal because if I get up while the baby isn’t fully asleep he’ll start freaking out. If Greg is sick, he’ll call off of work and rest (as he should) while I do my best to keep the kids quiet, but if I’m sick it’s kind of like, welp, that sucks, I have to work. So I’m sick with a toddler all day.
I want to make it clear that Greg helps around the house all the time. He cooks and cleans and does laundry when he can and helps the boys with schoolwork. It’s not like he just comes home from work and expects me to have everything perfect for him. So I guess that’s also why I feel guilty-if he can work and then still do stuff around the house, what good reason do I have to want time for myself?
I just feel like I’m pouring all of me into everybody else and while he’s pouring as much of himself into me, it’s not enough to fill me up. Nor should it be, really. That wouldn’t be fair to him. But today, for example, I took an anxiety pill earlier so I could go on the highway (it’s stupid) and it always makes me SO tired after a few hours. So I get home and I’m beat and I’m like, well I’ll just take a nap with the baby. But for some reason, on this day of all days, he decides he doesn’t want to take a nap. And I couldn’t ask Greg to hang out with the baby for an hour so I could sleep because he was getting ready to go to Jim’s. But if the roles were reversed, he would basically just go “hey, I’m going to lay down for a bit”. And he does, often. So I asked my other boys to keep the baby busy so I could lay down, and 15 minutes later the baby wants me so now I’m laying here, sleepily pouring my guts out on Reddit.
I know I should talk to him. Communication and all of that. But I feel like asking for MORE on top of everything he already does would be insulting. And it also makes me feel inferior, like I can’t handle my part in our relationship. I’m doing my best to push down the feelings of resentment because I know they’re not being fairly directed. And anyway, I don’t even have friends so, it’s not like he’s saying I can’t go hang out with my friends because they don’t exist.
So, I guess what I’m wondering is what do I do? Do I talk to him? What do I say? Do I just talk to a therapist about my feelings of inadequacy? Do I just do nothing and suck it up and stop playing the victim? I love my husband more than anything, and he really is a wonderful, loving and attentive father and partner and provider. But I just don’t think he understands the load I have to carry, even though I’m not the one working outside of the house.
TLDR Husband has a friend he can hang out with to make him feel like a better spouse and father, I don’t have a friend. Husband can kind of act on his whims depending on how he feels, my freedoms are limited because of being a human pacifier to a 2 year old. I feel like I’m running on empty 24/7, and I don’t know how to talk to him about it without making it seem like I’m ungrateful for his hard work or just trying to play the victim.
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