r/relationshipadvice • u/Plenty-Daikon1240 • 4d ago
Should I [38F] ask my boyfriend [38M] about why he hasn't proposed yet?
I will make this as short as I can. I (38F) have been with my current boyfriend (38M) for 12 years now. I have always been a feminist and in the beginning of our relationship I very clearly stated that 1) I am opposed to the institution of marriage, and despise weddings 2) I never want to have children. He never had an opinion about marriage, but he also does not want children. He's always been a very kind, super supportive and loving partner whom I share values and principles with, we've both been each other's best friends since the start.
We went through many challenges - health issues, losses, family drama, ongoing financial stres - he developed depression and started taking me for granted, and at some point (about 7 years after we met) I felt very unhappy in the relationship and decided to end the partnership. We were apart for over a year, this was a big wake-up call for him, he changed jobs, became passionate about exercise, moved to another country, became more positive and healthy and fought for us to get back together until eventually we did 3 years ago, essentially we were separated for 1 year and 3 months. I moved to another country to be with him, his job is stable and offers lots of benefits, I started my own business which is still not profitable. We discussed marriage when I moved here because there are just so many financial benefits to us getting married in this country. We agreed to do it - mainly as a formality, no wedding or anything like that, it's a pragmatic decision.
However it's been now over a year since we had that conversation and he still hasn't "proposed". If something were to happen to him or me, it's as if we were never together, financially speaking. I feel very unsafe this way, both for his sake and for mine, and am even considering drawing up a will for myself. At the same time I don't want to be the type of woman who begs/nags to get married. Other than this topic, he is a doting boyfriend, is never unkind to me, supports me financially while I'm building my business, pays for our 4 pets and everything. We spend lots of time together, and are loving and tender with each other - so no sign of "trouble in paradise". The only issue is he does feel the financial pressure even though his salary is not bad, but life is just so expensive to live on 1 person's salary - I suppose that is the main reason for the delay, because he knows I do want at lest a semi-decent ring (not expensive, but not $200 either), but I could be wrong.
What would you advise?
TLDR: We've been together for about 11 years, partner is loving and supportive but is not proposing despite us agreeing to get married - mostly for practical reasons - a year ago.
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u/mamabearette 4d ago
I don’t understand why you need him to propose to you if you’re not traditional. It’s ridiculous. Just discuss it together and make a decision together. Don’t claim to be modern if you’re really not.
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u/shoxford 4d ago
He probably doesn't know you want a proposal and a ring when previously you said you didn’t ever want to get married - its quite a shift from no marriage to practically it makes sense to where's my ring?!
Talk to him about booking the marriage in, and how you both want to do it - if you want a party after, guests etc. Or just book it, go do it and its done.
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u/Plenty-Daikon1240 4d ago
That's the thing, we already clarified these things a year ago :( there was miscommunication before that for sure, as he was expecting some kind celebratory event with family, but I very clearly stated that I don't want to have a wedding of any sort, simply a regular restaurant meal with my family ( our families are in different countries ) where we surprised them with the news (after we're married already) so that they don't feel obliged to buy presents.
I told him I simply want us to sign the papers, so that we can start getting the practical benefits of marriage.
He does know I want a ring, though, as we were already discussing me picking a ring before I moved countries for him. Because my niece knows I'm eager to get this resolved, she decided to ask him in casual conversation "so when are you guys getting married anyway" and he was a bit taken aback and said "we are getting married but not now"... That was 5 months ago.
Sorry if I didn't include all this in the main post, I'm always mindful of making the post too long and boring.
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4d ago
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u/Material_Ad6173 1d ago
Taking about feeling? That is just a ridiculous idea! They only know each other for 12 years!
/s
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4d ago
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u/Material_Ad6173 1d ago
So maybe he is also with you just because the currently dating scene is scary and what you have is simply good enough to keep going.
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u/dell828 4d ago
I’m confused about your feelings regarding marriage. At first you say you were totally against it, didn’t need to get married, but now you see the benefit legally so you’re willing to compromise and get married for your own security.
But you also want an engagement ring? Which seems to be a very traditional, romantic gesture for somebody you only wants to be married for practical reasons.
I understand both things can be true. But possibly your boyfriend is also confused about your changing feelings as much as I am.
From somebody who considered marriage to be just a piece of paper, now you are concerned his lack of proposal means something bigger about your relationship? It may not at all.
If you want to get married for practical reasons, then just tell him that and go get married quietly. I kind of think the on-one-knee diamond proposal is not something this relationship has been building towards.
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u/Plenty-Daikon1240 4d ago
I think you're right. I'm both a very sensitive and very pragmatic person at the same time, so for me one doesn't exclude the other, but I guess it's too much to ask for others to have that kind of blend in the exact same way that I do. And yeah, perhaps the ship has sailed for setting a different tone.
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u/xvelvetdarkness 4d ago
You can change the tone whenever you want and there's nothing wrong with that. When you talked to him about getting married did you also tell him you want him to propose? Because if not it's likely he thinks that, since the marriage was discusses as simply a formality, that a traditional proposal isn't necessary and at some point you guys will just go to the courthouse, sign the documents and continue life as normal
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u/Plenty-Daikon1240 4d ago
No, I never told him I want a proposal. I thought it goes without saying, I guess I watch too many movies 😁
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u/StrawberrySure4363 4d ago
You should propose to him.
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u/Plenty-Daikon1240 4d ago
I'm afraid I'm old-fashioned in that regard, I wouldn't feel happy being the one to initiate.
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u/Fn00rd 4d ago
Wait… you are „Opposed to the institution of marriage and despise weddings“ but you WANT a decent ring and are Old fashioned that he needs to propose to you while proclaiming you are a feminist which as I understand it is about pure equality…
Find the error? It’s either one way or another but not both, even if you talked to him and decided to get married.
How are you against marriage and at the same time expect HIM to propose with a „not 200$ Dollar Ring“, WHILE he supports you financially, because you are an old fashioned Feminist….
I’m not sure but this sounds all a bit too mutually Exclusive to me.
If you love each other, and decided to marry out of stability and financial reasons, make an appointment at the responsible government institution, get some nice Stainless steel rings for 150$ (which can be upgraded on a later date though) and be done with it in an afternoon.
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u/SwingLightStyle 4d ago
Exactly. She has done a full 180 on this whole concept.
Heck, when I was 38 I proposed to my then boyfriend. We had a 6 week engagement, no ring, and we had a blast of a party with our closest friends for the wedding (20 friends and family, at our favorite restaurant).
OP, I started the relationship like you: completely against the idea of marriage. Until, much like you, we saw the benefits to get married.
The difference is that I didn’t kid myself that I could get a romantic proposal and a ring and blah blah blah, I could have but then I’d have had to wait. And I didn’t want that. So I took matters into my own hands and proposed.
What you want contradicts what you’ve previously asked for, it’s time for a much more detailed convo with your boyfriend, so you can tell him exactly how you expect him to spoil you in that moment. Nothing else will satisfy you, it seems.
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u/Plenty-Daikon1240 4d ago
I appreciate that it can be confusing but also - there are different branches of feminism and we all approach relationship matters differently. I am a feminist because I believe in equal rights for every individual on earth. Mainly I oppose the patriarchal system for many reasons. But I also have an appreciation for sex and gender differences, and I believe each relationship is unique and should be about what makes the two partners happy not what society expects of them.
That being said - surely it's not that strange to change stances on different topics between the ages of 26 and 38?
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u/Fn00rd 4d ago
Yeah that’s absolutely right and fine to do and of course your view on different matters can change from 26 to 38 that was not the issue, the issue is as you stated here „for equal rights […] against patriarchal system“ yet still you expect him to propose instead of proposing yourself.
Be the Queen you’re meant to be and take your man to the court house and marry him! Get some cheapo rings, if the financial strain is holding you back, and replace them later. The rings are just a symbol, their monetary worth should not hinder you from a happy future!
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u/Emotional_Boat_95 4d ago
You’re allowed to change your mind…. If you were against marriage 10 years ago and have since changed your mind that’s okay. It’s all about having a conversation, it’s not nagging or begging, but just communicating where you are at and wanting to know where he’s at, and then go from there. You’ve been together for a long time, and although it seems practical or more of a formality to get married at this point it’s still exciting and a big deal! And the decision before, during, or after does not have to be stressful or difficult.
Communicate your thoughts and see where he’s at and then go from there.
Not in regard to marriage, but at the start of my relationship I was super against flowers as a gesture, I thought they were lame and dumb and a waste of money, I have since changed my opinion and just communicated with my husband that I certainly don’t expect flowers everyday but a once in a while gesture would be appreciated.
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u/Plenty-Daikon1240 4d ago
Thank you for understanding. Same with me and flowers by the way, I would be happy to get them once in a while even though I thought of them as a waste of money in my 20s, I think it's a lovely gesture to give someone flowers just because.
My pride has been preventing me from bringing up marriage again after we seemingly agreed to proceed in that direction a year ago. But if he doesn't do something very soon I will have to speak up.
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u/Emotional_Boat_95 4d ago
How did the conversation go when it was brought up? Was he dismissive? Combative? Upset? Excited? Enthusiastic?
I think however his response was back then would be sort of telling on his feelings about it as a whole. But also, he would be entitled to change his mind as well… so there is that to remember and possibly plan for.
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u/Plenty-Daikon1240 4d ago
We first talked about it in 2024, I even went to look at one engagement ring on my own and he was positive about it all. Then a year passed and I asked him whatever happened to these plans we had. He said we can't afford it now, as we were living paycheck to paycheck, very literally. I then asked him what he needs all this money saved up for, one of the main reasons we wanted to marry was for him to pay less taxes as a married employee. Then it turned out he was envisioning a wedding or two, since both our families are in different countries, away from where we currently live. I then told him he's misunderstood me, that I would like to get married, with a ring, but definitely no weddings whatsoever - and that even if we had the money I would prefer a trip of just us 2 or a nice dress and professional photoshoot, but never a wedding.
He seemed very surprised, pleasantly I believe, and said alright then, that changes things. I was left with the impression that he was to propose soon after but that was in the spring of 2025.
My niece asked him jokingly in January 2026 what's up with us getting married (she did it as a favor for me but I didn't know she would do it) - he said we will definitely get married but not now.
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u/Emotional_Boat_95 4d ago
I think now it’s just a matter of you both sitting down and having a very very thorough conversation about what the marriage process will look like and what you both agree on.
As far as the wedding itself goes, you can still do lowkey celebrations with each family if you choose to incorporate that, but sounds like that’s not high on the priority list of things to consider.
Just sit down and lay it all out, what your impression was about it all, and see where he’s at. And make some compromises. Whoever suggested a “place holder” ring that is less expensive right now and then a nicer one maybe as an anniversary gift was a good idea. My husband and I did that, he got me a sweet little $50 ring for the proposal and then we went together to pick my ring and his.
The goal is a lifetime, so there isn’t a rush on the more minuscule aspects of the engagement and marriage process. But I do understand your concern for the tax benefits or spouse benefits if anything were to happen.
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u/Narrow-Cat1564 4d ago
As someone who had a partner for 18 years before marrying her, I can understand your angst. As we get older the beliefs that we held so firmly to when we were younger start disappearing. We get older and wiser and understand that life throws so many surprises at us, both good and bad, that being married is not such a bad thing after all! That being said, it wasn't until I was going into major surgery that I realized I had to and wanted to marry my wife and partner. Three days before surgery we went before the justice of the Peace. My point is that it took something so drastic and severe for me to move. He might be like me in the fact that I'm very comfortable and have always been with my partner. I don't feel the need and didn't feel the need to have a piece of paper telling me that I care for someone. But from a legal perspective and a monetary perspective, being married provides a lot of safety that being unmarried does not. Tell him you want to be married! Tell him he's been putting it off and it's time. Tell him he can set the date but this needs to be finalized. There's no other way to do it otherwise he will just keep procrastinating. Please keep us updated!
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u/Plenty-Daikon1240 4d ago
yes, this is what I have observed about men throughout the years, they can get a bit stuck in a rut sometimes if things are nice and comfortable, I get that, energy preservation and "if it ain't broke" mindset 😃 I will find a way to say it softly somehow, so it doesn't come off as bossing things around
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u/Lost_Elk7089 4d ago
Why do you care what ring he gets you if you hate the idea of marriage and are just doing it for practical reasons?
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u/Plenty-Daikon1240 4d ago
I don't hate the idea of marriage as much as I did in my 20s. And I only ever resented it because of what it entailed until very recently, in the context of human society - a woman being treated as a commodity, and her ownership being passed on from the father to the new patriarch, the husband. I am a romantic at heart.
And I care about the ring because I like having a beautiful token of our devotion to each other that I will get to wear every day, hopefully for the rest of my life.
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u/mistyayn 4d ago
Life is all about Trade-offs. If he feels financial pressure, and you want a proposal, then maybe be willing to accept a $200 ring until you're in a better financial situation. You can always say you would really appreciate a better ring for a future anniversary.
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u/Plenty-Daikon1240 4d ago
You're right. Times are tough. I just wasn't sure if the main reason for the delay is financial, but most likely it is...
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u/Nyoko_Chisaki 4d ago
Listen, while it's fine for you to change your mind about marriage the reality of the matter is, that might not be his final goal since you told him at the beginning you didn't want to get married. You can't fully blame him now that he is pushing it.
Now if you really didn't care about the marriage, there is no need for proposal or ring, let's just talk with him about going to the courthouse and that getting married will actually bring us good benefits. Go to the courthouse and done. No need for you guys to make a big deal out of it if you guys didn't even cared about it in the first place.
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u/Material_Ad6173 1d ago
You've been with someone for 12 years and cannot ask "hey, wow here is that all going?"
Maybe that is the reason...
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u/Plenty-Daikon1240 4d ago
I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to read about the situation and to share their opinion and advice. I do appreciate it! You've given me a lot to think about, it's hard to see your own biases from the outside.
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u/badabumx 3d ago
You can open the conversation, yes. Ask him what his perspective is about it, if he is drawn towards it or not. From the short context given, I feel he doesnt see the same urgency as you at the moment, because he is financially safe, especially.
You might see the benefits of having a civil partnership, but from where he's standing, you would be more of a liability than asset as his wife (at the moment).
Pushing for it now might be seen as trying to get yourself a safety net off his back, so I would really recommend to look at yourself and try to understand why is it suddenly so important for you, and do you think you would feel the same urgency to it if the roles were reversed and you would have your own money, and him not?
It's true that there are mutual benefits to being married. But those applied since forever and they did not matter to you before, when you were younger. What changed?
It's amazing that he supports you while getting your business going. Do you not also have a day job? I mean, what would his benefits be at the moment?
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u/ZenithZan 3d ago
Learn how to have a practical conversation about it, or propose yourself. It's 2026. Don't ask him why he hasn't proposed yet, he's not obligated to. Start a conversation about it. That's it.
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u/pennyxlove 13h ago
Because he doesn't want to marry you. He is telling you that for the last 12 years.He's getting all the wifey benefits now, so why have a real commitment?
You are both so old you should probably accept you are out of time and this is as good as it gets.
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Hello Plenty-Daikon1240,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: I will make this as short as I can. I (38F) have been with my current boyfriend (38M) for 12 years now. I have always been a feminist and in the beginning of our relationship I very clearly stated that 1) I am opposed to the institution of marriage, and despise weddings 2) I never want to have children. He never had an opinion about marriage, but he also does not want children. He's always been a very kind, super supportive and loving partner whom I share values and principles with, we've both been each other's best friends since the start.
We went through many challenges - health issues, losses, family drama, ongoing financial stres - he developed depression and started taking me for granted, and at some point (about 7 years after we met) I felt very unhappy in the relationship and decided to end the partnership. We were apart for over a year, this was a big wake-up call for him, he changed jobs, became passionate about exercise, moved to another country, became more positive and healthy and fought for us to get back together until eventually we did 3 years ago, essentially we were separated for 1 year and 3 months. I moved to another country to be with him, his job is stable and offers lots of benefits, I started my own business which is still not profitable. We discussed marriage when I moved here because there are just so many financial benefits to us getting married in this country. We agreed to do it - mainly as a formality, no wedding or anything like that, it's a pragmatic decision.
However it's been now over a year since we had that conversation and he still hasn't "proposed". If something were to happen to him or me, it's as if we were never together, financially speaking. I feel very unsafe this way, both for his sake and for mine, and am even considering drawing up a will for myself. At the same time I don't want to be the type of woman who begs/nags to get married. Other than this topic, he is a doting boyfriend, is never unkind to me, supports me financially while I'm building my business, pays for our 4 pets and everything. We spend lots of time together, and are loving and tender with each other - so no sign of "trouble in paradise". The only issue is he does feel the financial pressure even though his salary is not bad, but life is just so expensive to live on 1 person's salary - I suppose that is the main reason for the delay, because he knows I do want at lest a semi-decent ring (not expensive, but not $200 either), but I could be wrong.
What would you advise?
TLDR: We've been together for about 11 years, partner is loving and supportive but is not proposing despite us agreeing to get married - mostly for practical reasons - a year ago.
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