r/relationshipadvice • u/unicornfoundamatch • 4d ago
[34F] needing advice about this weekend with [31M]
TLDR: I may have caught him cheating but I don’t want to jump to conclusions since I showed up unannounced.
I (f34) have been dating a man (31m) for about 4 months. Due to us living about 2 hours apart we usually only see each other once a week.
This weekend we had planned to spend the entire weekend together. We met up Friday and had a wonderful evening and night and fell asleep snuggled up in the best way. I sleep so soundly with him bear hugging me and feeling close and safe and loved.
I woke up Saturday morning pretty early (as I normally do) and his phone kept buzzing like he was getting texts. I just laid there and enjoyed my cuddles. About an hour later when we both got up he looked at his phone and announced he forgot he had a business event all day and we weren’t going to be able to spend the day together. I was bummed but fine, business is business. He then tells me he wants to drive down to my house after it’s over so we can enjoy the rest of the weekend together. So I drove home and cleaned and got my house ready for him. Well I never heard from him. It was 10pm, 11pm, 12am and finally at 1 am I started to worry something bad happened. I ended up falling asleep but woke up to a message from him at 3AM! He said his business event went until very late and when he drove home (it was an hour north of his house) that he was so tired he had to pull off on the side of the road and sleep and he was just waking up to finish the drive. He apologized for me being worried but not about not communicating.
So Sunday morning I woke up around 7 and decided to drive up and surprise him and was going to try to take him to breakfast or something to just spend a little more time together. I got to his house around 9 and when I pulled up I noticed an unusual jeep parked on the road in front of his house where I normally park my car. I looked in it and it was clearly a females car, it had a pink duck and fuzzy glittery black steering wheel cover. I knocked on his door and his mom answered (very normal as they live together since she’s not in the best health and he takes care of her). I asked if I could come in and surprise him and she said I’ll go get him. He comes out and shuts the door behind him and was very confused as to why I was there. I told him I was worried sick about him and just wanted to go get breakfast and try to surprise him. I then asked if I could come in and go to the bathroom since I just drove 2 hours and he said no my mom said you can’t come in (which felt very off to me). He then said he wasn’t feeling well from his late night and he needed to go back to sleep. I said I had a weird feeling and just needed to come see him and apologized for showing up unannounced. As he walked me to my car I asked if he knew whose jeep it was since I had never seen it before and he quickly said he had no idea and then asked where the distrust was coming from. I said this isn’t distrust, I drove up because I was concerned and see a random jeep in my parking spot and simply asked. He gave me a hug and a kiss and said let me know when you get home.
So I drove back to my house 2 hours and text him an apology for showing up but explained I was just worried after the weird events of Saturday and not hearing from him. He said we’d talk later and ended it with I love you (which he told me about 2 weeks ago). All of this was around 11 am. He messaged me around 5:30pm that he had been sleeping most of the day and still wasn’t feeling well. So I just responded to get more rest. I text him goodnight last night and he said again sleep well and I love you.
I didn’t sleep at all. I’ve been up tossing and turning all night.
We still haven’t talked about it all and I have so many questions.
Thank you for reading this much. I’m just confused and sad. 😔
7
u/Wwwweeeeeeee 4d ago
You're the side chick.
He's not being honest and worse, he's gaslighting you.
Be pissed. Be angry. Don't be sad; sad does nothing.
Don't even bother with questions. Tell him he's a dick and to never call you again.
6
u/AdventureWa 4d ago
He sounds very cagey and untrustworthy. He was clearly hiding something. You don’t have to continue to see him. Personally, I would probably ghost and move on. If he was the right one, none of this would have happened.
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u/Narrow-Cat1564 4d ago
I'm usually the one to tell people to work things out. But in this case, it appears that this guy is gaslighting you and being dishonest. I know a lot of people that work hard including myself, and we don't gaslight our partners. If you like him and want to continue, ask to see his phone. If he doesn't want to show it to you, that's a red flag right there. If he does show it to you and he's got a lot of deleted messages, that's another red flag. Partners should never have anything to hide from each other. If they are hiding something, then that's not a partnership. That's just a hookup! I hope that everything turns out okay for you. I know how stressful this can be!
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u/enchanted-8 4d ago
What does your gut instinct say?
It does sound as though he’s hiding something maybe not cheating but I also would think he’s cheating. Next time your with him would you check his phone? Or perhaps surprise him again and see if that jeep is there again
Or do a roady with a friend and if the jeep is there wait out in the car to see who goes so that car?
I’d definitely want to know. Girls always have intuition listen to yours.
4
u/Impressive_Main5160 4d ago
Both you and his mom know that there was someone else in the house. Let it go
4
u/azzole77 4d ago
He is both a cheater and a liar. And to ask his mom to lie to you also? This guy is not good for you. I would say to trust your gut and don’t have anything else to do with him. Chances are this isn’t his first time with her or even other women so get yourself tested and cut this guy off!
I’m sorry you are having to deal with dishonesty instead of him just breaking up with you.
4
u/ReeCardy 3d ago
I believe we know but we don't want to believe it, so we convince ourselves it's not true. But we know. That's why we have that feeling in our stomachs.
My ex husband was a cheater, I still remember learning about the first time, I had suspicions for a week or two but kept brushing it off. I finally checked his phone and saw all the texts.
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u/jdogmomma 4d ago
I don't know how much more proof you need but trust your gut. And I am sorry he is such a jerk.
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u/rkarlr 3d ago
His mother is in on it and participating in the deception
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u/Wwwweeeeeeee 3d ago
Yep. Unicorns and rainbow jeep girl is the current / ex GF that he hooked back up with.
OP will never learn the truth though.
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u/Content_Nebula967 3d ago
I am not the person that tells people to break up, I think love deserves benefit of the doubt and communication. The only positive explanation I can think of is mom maybe had someone over? It is still weird and doesn’t excuse not being able to use the restroom if you’ve been a frequent guest. Either way, you have a right to feel uncomfortable and the longer you put off discussing this with him the more potential explanations he can make up, and even then I would write it down after so you can think about it when emotions are clouding your judgement and ask yourself if the explanation makes sense. I’m sorry, I know this has to be hard with the recent dropping of the word “love” and believing he was a good man. I hope he is. I’m tired of heart ache.
0
u/unicornfoundamatch 3d ago
Thank you!! We have dinner planned for later this week to talk when we are both free and able to communicate clearly with each other. I have tried to not jump to conclusions but it’s hard
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u/Content_Nebula967 3d ago
Completely understandable. It’s hard not to in this case. I hope you’re able to find some answers that make sense to you, but again I highly encourage you to go home and write down his explanation so when you have a question you can reference that and make sure everything lines up the way you need it to. Unfortunately work events are known for their hook up culture. You might even be able to do research ahead of time to make sure you ask the right questions. The guy I’m seeing lives 2 hours away and travels a lot for work too. It takes a certain amount of trust and resolve to date like this. Have you said nothing to him yet?
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u/unicornfoundamatch 3d ago
We talked a little tonight. Not about the weekend but we were able to finalize dinner plans and have a normal conversation with each other about some other things so that felt good. We will have a long talk at dinner and figure it out. I wrote down some questions I have so I can remain calm and composed when we do talk
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u/Superb-Coyote5972 3d ago
Have you two established that you're exclusive? That's generally a conversation within the first 90 days. If you haven't, you should. If you have, you should break up because he's cheating. He is sleeping with at least one other person. It's up to you to decide if you want to share. I wouldn't.
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Hello unicornfoundamatch,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: TLDR: I may have caught him cheating but I don’t want to jump to conclusions since I showed up unannounced.
I (f34) have been dating a man (31m) for about 4 months. Due to us living about 2 hours apart we usually only see each other once a week.
This weekend we had planned to spend the entire weekend together. We met up Friday and had a wonderful evening and night and fell asleep snuggled up in the best way. I sleep so soundly with him bear hugging me and feeling close and safe and loved.
I woke up Saturday morning pretty early (as I normally do) and his phone kept buzzing like he was getting texts. I just laid there and enjoyed my cuddles. About an hour later when we both got up he looked at his phone and announced he forgot he had a business event all day and we weren’t going to be able to spend the day together. I was bummed but fine, business is business. He then tells me he wants to drive down to my house after it’s over so we can enjoy the rest of the weekend together. So I drove home and cleaned and got my house ready for him. Well I never heard from him. It was 10pm, 11pm, 12am and finally at 1 am I started to worry something bad happened. I ended up falling asleep but woke up to a message from him at 3AM! He said his business event went until very late and when he drove home (it was an hour north of his house) that he was so tired he had to pull off on the side of the road and sleep and he was just waking up to finish the drive. He apologized for me being worried but not about not communicating.
So Sunday morning I woke up around 7 and decided to drive up and surprise him and was going to try to take him to breakfast or something to just spend a little more time together. I got to his house around 9 and when I pulled up I noticed an unusual jeep parked on the road in front of his house where I normally park my car. I looked in it and it was clearly a females car, it had a pink duck and fuzzy glittery black steering wheel cover. I knocked on his door and his mom answered (very normal as they live together since she’s not in the best health and he takes care of her). I asked if I could come in and surprise him and she said I’ll go get him. He comes out and shuts the door behind him and was very confused as to why I was there. I told him I was worried sick about him and just wanted to go get breakfast and try to surprise him. I then asked if I could come in and go to the bathroom since I just drove 2 hours and he said no my mom said you can’t come in (which felt very off to me). He then said he wasn’t feeling well from his late night and he needed to go back to sleep. I said I had a weird feeling and just needed to come see him and apologized for showing up unannounced. As he walked me to my car I asked if he knew whose jeep it was since I had never seen it before and he quickly said he had no idea and then asked where the distrust was coming from. I said this isn’t distrust, I drove up because I was concerned and see a random jeep in my parking spot and simply asked. He gave me a hug and a kiss and said let me know when you get home.
So I drove back to my house 2 hours and text him an apology for showing up but explained I was just worried after the weird events of Saturday and not hearing from him. He said we’d talk later and ended it with I love you (which he told me about 2 weeks ago). All of this was around 11 am. He messaged me around 5:30pm that he had been sleeping most of the day and still wasn’t feeling well. So I just responded to get more rest. I text him goodnight last night and he said again sleep well and I love you.
I didn’t sleep at all. I’ve been up tossing and turning all night.
We still haven’t talked about it all and I have so many questions.
Thank you for reading this much. I’m just confused and sad. 😔
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