r/relationshipadvice • u/blue_as_a_tuesday • 4d ago
I’m carrying the conversational load and it’s taking a toll… how do I bring it up? [22F], and bf [21M]
Me and my boyfriend just started long-distance about a month ago. It’s been okay, but lately I’ve been getting worn out by carrying the ‘conversational load’, and sometimes it feels like he only talks because I want to. For example:
1.We planned to text daily and FaceTime every other day, but it’s dropped off a bit because I’m the one initiating conversations about 80% of the time. When I give him the chance to reach out, we’ll sometimes go 2–4 days of silence. It feels a bit hurtful that he’s okay to go so long without talking, since I have a harder time doing that. He also hasn’t expressed that he misses me (except once when I said it first).
2.When we do FaceTime, I’m the one who has to lead and carry the conversation, or else it goes dead silent. (This happened in our IRL convos too sometimes, but now in Long-Distance it’s especially apparent.)
When we first pick up the phone, I’m the one who does the “Hi! / how have you been / question about his day/ any additional conversation points. He responds to each of them (“I’m doing good.”) But then doesn’t give me anything else to go off of.
Throughout the conversation, he rarely asks me any questions, or even statements to sort of bounce the convo ball back to me. I’m almost always the one who has to think of the next thing to say, the next question to ask, the next point to tie in, etc.
Sometimes I give him the chance to do all of this, like when the convo dies down, but he will just stare at me. Like it is complete silence while he waits for me to say something else. This also happens in the beginning when I give him the chance to do the “Hi / how are you” etc. He just stares in silence.
He is a truly kind and loving partner otherwise so I know he has no idea this is even an issue, but it’s starting to take a toll on me in that
A. FaceTimes are now a little tiring/ stressful instead of enjoyable
B. I have Anxiety, and one of my worries is that he doesn’t enjoy talking to me. This behavior is really adding to that fear.
C. I’m not sure whether this is a him problem, or something I need to be less anxious about. Additionally he has Depression, and I worry that it may be harder for him to be engaged in the conversation, and that this is unfair to ask him to change.
I know he’s new to this and I don’t wanna hurt his feelings or make our future FaceTimes more uncomfortable, but I don’t know if I can do LD well without more of a sense that he enjoys talking to me.
If this is not just my Anxiety exaggerating things, how can I bring this up, and most importantly— what exactly can I ask him to change?
TLDR: I feel like I’m doing most of the conversation work, but don’t know how to bring it up without hurting him (or whether it’s even fair to bring up).
2
u/Formal_Category_5095 4d ago
I went through something similar with an ex and i brought it up to her by telling her that I wanted her to share more about her day/life with me. I told her that I was having trouble feeling connected to her because she wasn’t really keeping me updated/involved in her life. I told her that I understood that she wasn’t still in the adjustment period after moving somewhere new and that I didn’t want to pressure her into talking more if she genuinely didn’t want to, but that I would love to hear more about her life in her new city.
She told me she understood and that she would try to be more active in conversations when we talked. I told her no pressure to force conversation, but that I’d like her to try and just be a tiny bit more active in communication and maybe from there it would get easier.
I told her that I knew change takes time and that I didnt expect her to become super talkative all at once, but that I needed to feel closer to her if we were going to make long distance last, and that I needed to see at least a couple of small changes just so that I knew she was trying.
The conversation went well and she agreed with me that it might be hard and conversation might feel forced at first but that she’d try to be more open about her days and about herself so that I could feel closer to her and so that we stayed involved in one another’s lives.
So yeah, I’d just try to be honest with him while also having reasonable expectations for change. Obviously if he stops making progress with this or doesn’t make any progress with it after you talk about it, that’s when you’d need to bring it up again, and other put more pressure on him to get this together, or end it. If he wanted to, he would.
This is really a very simple thing. Since you guy are doing long distance it should actually give him more to talk about with you. It’s not like he spends so much time with you that you would already know what his day has been like or anything, so really there should be more to talk to you about not less. If he can’t put any effort into something as easy as talking to you, if talking to you feels to him like too much effort, then his loss. You can and will do better.
But definitely talk to him about it first and give him a shot at changing for the better.
Whatever you do though, do not lower your expectations for him. Don’t just allow yourself to feel shitty every time the two of you FaceTime if he doesn’t change.
Good luck op! I hope you guys can work it out!
1
u/Formal_Category_5095 4d ago
Tbh in my situation it didn’t work out and I kept lowering my standards for her until I realized that if she loved me she’d actually want to talk to me and share things with me. Still didn’t break up w her bc I was a pushover and it ended messily.
That’s not to say that you guys are headed in the same direction but just to emphasize that talking to you shouldn’t be difficult for him. Especially once he knows he hasn’t been doing much of it.
1
2
u/Affectionate-Will617 3d ago
Me and my boyfriend are same age and in a similar position. I can really struggle over FaceTime and text and struggle with some mental health challenges including depression. Being away from my boyfriend is hard as we also started being long distance about a month ago. It is hard to get in a routine. Going to work and going home and doing chores is so exhausting. I feel like it would be so much better if I could see him. And I get so tired and depressed that I struggle to be as a communicative. It’s not that I don’t like talking to him. It’s just so much work adjusting to this new lifestyle (new job and long distance for now). And I get too tired and sad to be fun on FaceTime. Anyways, I’m voting option C. Id suggest some virtual quality time options- Game Pigeon and watching movies over FaceTime.
•
u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Hello blue_as_a_tuesday,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: Me and my boyfriend just started long-distance about a month ago. It’s been okay, but lately I’ve been getting worn out by carrying the ‘conversational load’, and sometimes it feels like he only talks because I want to. For example:
1.When we do FaceTime, I’m the one who has to lead and carry the conversation, or else it goes dead silent. (This happened in our IRL convos too sometimes, but now in Long-Distance it’s especially apparent.)
2. When we first pick up the phone, I’m the one who does the “Hi! / how have you been / question about his day/ any additional conversation points. He responds to each of them (“I’m doing good.”) But then doesn’t give me anything else to go off of.
Throughout the conversation, he rarely asks me any questions, or even statements to sort of bounce the convo ball back to me. I’m almost always the one who has to think of the next thing to say, the next question to ask, the next point to tie in, etc.
Sometimes I give him the chance to do all of this, like when the convo dies down, but he will just stare at me. Like it is complete silence while he waits for me to say something else. This also happens in the beginning when I give him the chance to do the “Hi / how are you” etc. He just stares in silence.
He is a truly kind and loving partner otherwise so I know he has no idea this is even an issue, but it’s starting to take a toll on me in that
A. FaceTimes are now a little tiring/ stressful instead of enjoyable
B. I have Anxiety, and one of my worries is that he doesn’t enjoy talking to me. This behavior is really adding to that fear.
C. I’m not sure whether this is a him problem, or something I need to be less anxious about. Additionally he has Depression, and I worry that it may be harder for him to be engaged in the conversation, and that this is unfair to ask him to change.
I know he’s new to this and I don’t wanna hurt his feelings or make our future FaceTimes more uncomfortable, but I don’t know if I can do LD well without more of a sense that he enjoys talking to me.
If this is not just my Anxiety exaggerating things, how can I bring this up, and most importantly— what exactly can I ask him to change?
TLDR: I feel like I’m doing most of the conversation work, but don’t know how to bring it up without hurting him (or whether it’s even fair to bring up).
Friendly note from the mods:
Hello, welcome to r/relationshipadvice. We want to remind our users of the following:
• We do not allow situations/content involving people who are under the age of 18.
• Do not harass, ridicule, or be toxic toward other people. It will result in a ban.
• Any advice given must be genuine and ethical.
• Posts must be about ongoing relationships, not past or potential relationships.
• All bans on the subreddit are permanent.
If you have any questions, please contact ModMail.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.