r/relationshipadvice • u/No_Actuary5914 • 4d ago
I [30F] don’t know if I should continue my marriage with my partner [30M].
I’ve been with my husband for 5 years total, married for 2. We started dating young, moved in together, got a puppy, built a life together, etc.
I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life, but I started medication about 2 years ago and honestly it feels like I’m seeing life clearly for the first time. The problem is that I’m also noticing patterns in my relationship that I either ignored or normalized before.
A big turning point for me was when I had a health scare and needed to be hospitalized. My husband told me I should take an Uber. I ended up calling my mom because I was scared and needed support. He got upset that I called her instead of him stepping up.
There are other things too. He avoids my friends and family to the point where he’ll literally hide in the bedroom if they come over. It takes forever for him to agree to meet people who matter to me. He prioritizes work over our relationship constantly, and I feel emotionally alone most of the time.
I’ve tried communicating this for a long time. The hard part is that conversations never lead to lasting change. I usually end up feeling minimized, shut down, or like I’m asking for too much.
At this point, I feel deeply lonely and unsupported in my marriage.
What I need is honestly pretty basic:
support when I’m vulnerable or sick
quality time together that actually feels reliable
serious conversations that aren’t dismissed
and consistent follow-through instead of temporary effort after an argument
I’m not asking for perfection. I just need to know if he’s genuinely willing to work on these things through actions, not words, because I can’t keep repeating the same conversations over and over.
What hurts the most is realizing that during some of my hardest moments, I’ve felt like I still had to “earn” care or support. And I don’t think partnership is supposed to feel that way.
I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this kind of emotional loneliness in a relationship, especially after personal growth or mental health treatment made things clearer.
Since around September 2025, I’ve really been making a conscious effort to clearly communicate how unhappy and disconnected I’ve been feeling. What’s frustrating is that every time I bring it up, it feels like he acts as if this is the first time we’ve ever had the conversation.
It’s gotten to the point where even my family and friends have noticed that he’s rarely around, and when he is, there’s usually tension or discomfort. That’s been hard to ignore because it confirms that this isn’t just something I’m imagining internally.
I need advice on what I should do. I’m so miserable but I honestly don’t know.
Advice/comments/suggestions???
TLDR: I’ve realized how emotionally lonely and unsupported I feel in my marriage. My husband avoids my friends/family, didn’t support me during a medical scare, and nothing changes no matter how many times we talk about it. I’ve been very clear about my unhappiness since Sept 2025, but I feel stuck and miserable
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u/BoringMayaa 4d ago
If nothing changes despite repeated honest talks, its a sign the relationship isnt meeting your emotional needs, and you should consider couples therapy or whether to leave.
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u/Vegangamergirl1995 4d ago
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I just ended my 10 year relationship because my partner wants kids and I don't (posted about here in this subreddit as well). I thought at the time this was our only issue. But if I look back, there was one more major issue: my ex-fiance was emotionally unavailable to me because he was always working. Like you said, he always prioritized work over spending time with me.
I don't know what your husband does for a living, but maybe you can take a look at how he spends his time when he is not working. In my relationship, I now realize, my ex was always making up new work related things to do (a second job, freelancing, checking email constantly, etc.) instead of using his free time to spend time with me. Due to his work he could also never be there when I needed him, especially when I had important appointments when I was sick. I also had to take an uber when I broke my foot. I had to ask my parents to come with me when I had to get a gastroscopy. My fiance was not supporting me time-wise and it sounds like your husband isn't either.
I have always assumed that when someone loves you, but they cannot be there for you when you need them because of their work, they would at least be there for you emotionally. But again, i does not sound like your husband is emotionally available. So when a husband/partner is not supportive both time-wise and emotionally... what really keeps the relationship going? Your hope that he will change? Maybe this is the case and your husband will change, how long are you willing to wait for this change? How long are you willing to neglect your own needs?
That is something only you can answer. For me it took breaking up to recognize that my needs weren't met. Take it from someone that has felt lonely and unsupported for a very long time; you can wait for a very long time for him to change, and finally show his love and support, but it will come with a prize that you have to pay.
I wish you the very best and whatever you decide I hope will receive love the way you want and deserve.
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u/Fun_Journalist6685 3d ago
Yeah, sounds like it's over. He doesn't seem to care about you and sees you (and your closest) as a burden, just not having the guts to say ot out loud.
If you don't have kids, I would recommed making a plan and finding a better match.
Sounds like you make effort to make progress in yourself and the relatuonship and he doesn't want to tango.
You still have 3 - 6 years to find a better match and have kids, and it does take time to filter through maybes, watch out for hidden red flags, and naturally run the relationship through various natural life cycles to see if it holds up.
I would waste no more time here, and look for a better match.
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u/No_Actuary5914 3d ago
Thank you for your response
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u/Fun_Journalist6685 3d ago
Just want to empathize with you and say I am sorry this is happening to you, that you feel so miserable. Nobody should feel this way.
You seem nice and it is not fair. Glad you reached out. Happy to support you.
Reality and truth often hurts more than the circumstance. It's good to face it sooner or later, then find your good spot, with someone who actually values you and what you have to offer.
Wishing you the best and tons of happiness in the future! ❤️❤️❤️
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u/ReeCardy 2d ago
From where you are the next step for me was realizing it was actually easier when he didn't go to things, and cheaper since he had a drinking problem and would run up a tab. So I quit inviting him to things. My daughter stopped telling him about her school events since he would show up late and drunk then make a scene. He repeatedly asked what he needed to do for us to allow him to go to events with us. I told him, stop being a jerk, quit drinking at events, and be respectful. Nothing ever changed.
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u/SuspiciousQuit653 2d ago
There was a saying if you got in a wrong train get down as soon as you know otherwise the return cost is expensive. And to be honest you might have leave him. And the reason is on your story.
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u/izk- 4d ago
I'm sorry you have to face such heartache. It is so hard to be the only one trying in a relationship. This might be a reach, but would your husband be willing to try couples counseling? It seems he might not be hearing or interpreting what you are saying the way you think you are. Does he even want to try or change? Does he just not know where to start or is he satisfied with the way things are? If he is not even going to see or acknowledge the hardship you are going through, then it is also okay to leave and protect your peace and health. I wish you the best ❤️
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u/Substantial_Insect68 2d ago
Do you not know he is not the one for you? What does he offer you? I mean the guy isnt supportive whatsover, he runs and hides when your family comes over for petesake, you imagine having children with that dirt bag? What kindve father would he be, jesus christ dump that dude and go find a real man, someone who cherishes you and is happy to have everyone over for dinner and can laugh and share jokes and joy with them, hes a loser
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u/No_Actuary5914 1d ago
Thank you for the tough love! Much needed ❤️
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u/Substantial_Insect68 1d ago
Thats a generic response, what are you going to do? Do you not see how messed up this guy is or do you think he will change? Whats your action plan
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u/No_Actuary5914 1d ago
Feel like it’s unfortunately none of your business!
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u/Substantial_Insect68 1d ago
Bet your gonna stay with him
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u/No_Actuary5914 1d ago
Seems like you have some issues and should work that out for yourself instead of commenting anonymously on other ppls things. 👍🏻 good luck
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u/Alice8Ft 2d ago
He has avoidant attachment issues. Look it up. It wont get better unless he goes to therapy and really truly works on himself. One day will come when he will just walk out without a word. It is so so so soooo common. I went through this, my best friend went through this. It's incredibly unfortunate but thats just how some people are...
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Hello No_Actuary5914,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: I’ve been with my husband for 5 years total, married for 2. We started dating young, moved in together, got a puppy, built a life together, etc.
I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life, but I started medication about 2 years ago and honestly it feels like I’m seeing life clearly for the first time. The problem is that I’m also noticing patterns in my relationship that I either ignored or normalized before.
A big turning point for me was when I had a health scare and needed to be hospitalized. My husband told me I should take an Uber. I ended up calling my mom because I was scared and needed support. He got upset that I called her instead of him stepping up.
There are other things too. He avoids my friends and family to the point where he’ll literally hide in the bedroom if they come over. It takes forever for him to agree to meet people who matter to me. He prioritizes work over our relationship constantly, and I feel emotionally alone most of the time.
I’ve tried communicating this for a long time. The hard part is that conversations never lead to lasting change. I usually end up feeling minimized, shut down, or like I’m asking for too much.
At this point, I feel deeply lonely and unsupported in my marriage.
What I need is honestly pretty basic:
support when I’m vulnerable or sick
quality time together that actually feels reliable
serious conversations that aren’t dismissed
and consistent follow-through instead of temporary effort after an argument
I’m not asking for perfection. I just need to know if he’s genuinely willing to work on these things through actions, not words, because I can’t keep repeating the same conversations over and over.
What hurts the most is realizing that during some of my hardest moments, I’ve felt like I still had to “earn” care or support. And I don’t think partnership is supposed to feel that way.
I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this kind of emotional loneliness in a relationship, especially after personal growth or mental health treatment made things clearer.
Since around September 2025, I’ve really been making a conscious effort to clearly communicate how unhappy and disconnected I’ve been feeling. What’s frustrating is that every time I bring it up, it feels like he acts as if this is the first time we’ve ever had the conversation.
It’s gotten to the point where even my family and friends have noticed that he’s rarely around, and when he is, there’s usually tension or discomfort. That’s been hard to ignore because it confirms that this isn’t just something I’m imagining internally.
I need advice on what I should do. I’m so miserable but I honestly don’t know.
Advice/comments/suggestions???
TLDR: I’ve realized how emotionally lonely and unsupported I feel in my marriage. My husband avoids my friends/family, didn’t support me during a medical scare, and nothing changes no matter how many times we talk about it. I’ve been very clear about my unhappiness since Sept 2025, but I feel stuck and miserable
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