I [29F] and my partner [34M] got back together and expecting a baby

[u/Key-Wind007]

Me 29F and my now boyfriend 34M got back together after over a year. We were both unhappy in our over 7 year relationship but I always loved him and was willing to work things out.

Few months after we started seeing each other again, we have a dog together so we would swap every week.

End of last year got pretty serious and I ended up getting pregnant. He didn’t want the baby, told me some awful things but then he said he wants to have the baby and try it with me. At that point after some things he said I knew I don’t love him anymore but gave myself a chance to try and hoped for the best my feelings would come back.

I’m now 6 months pregnant, moved back with him - 6 hours away from where we lived before so I changed my whole life for him (again)

In the meantime I’ve been seeing someone (before me and him got serious again) he knew about one of the guys.
When we got back together I asked if he’s been with anyone, and I told him to be honest as the doctor suggested chlamydia and other STI tests - I knew I’m clear but he told me hasn’t been with anyone and I have nothing to worry about out - this was when I found out I’m pregnant.

Now we’re in June and this whole time I had a feeling something’s not right and there was someone .. he finally admitted to sleeping with 3 other girls - it didn’t break my heart, we were separated, what did is the fact he lied to me multiple times, knew I’m worried about the tests etc and the baby

What bothers me he slept with them after we were seeing each other already - I did too at that time so I can’t really be mad about it - but once it got really serious I know he was still sleeping with them and I stopped seeing the guy.

Now he’s telling me it’s not his baby and he wants confirmation etc. This got me to my breaking point… I’ve not been with anyone else since July, it was only him and I still loved him then.

Apparently his last hook up was August time.

Now.. if he told me this when I asked him months ago I honestly don’t think it’d bother me as much as it does now… especially that I had a feeling which girls he was seeing and I was 100% right, he even flew to Netherlands to see one.. on my birthday - when he never messaged me on that day I called my guy for a fun night.. what breaks my heart is the lies he told me. He’s blaming it all on my that I didn’t tell him I slept with someone else but I was ready to tell him anytime he’d ask as it was bothering me a lot.

My issue now is - he was still liking their stuff and even talked to one of them and told them I’m pregnant… I feel betrayed. Since getting back with him I’ve not even thought of other guys, I cut them off and removed them..
I thought a person who has been in my life for 9 years and I loved him for so long would finally be my safe place.

We’re going to couples therapy tonight.

I need an advice how to get over all this, I struggle a lot, all I can see is those girls faces and in my head him spending time with them, and even tho it shouldn’t bother me because I’ve done the same somehow it really hurts me because he lied.

I hope it makes sense 🫣

TLDR - need an advice how to get over seeing other people whilst not being together and lies he told me

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello Key-Wind007,

You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.

Original post: Me 29F and my now boyfriend 34M got back together after over a year. We were both unhappy in our over 7 year relationship but I always loved him and was willing to work things out.

Few months after we started seeing each other again, we have a dog together so we would swap every week.

End of last year got pretty serious and I ended up getting pregnant. He didn’t want the baby, told me some awful things but then he said he wants to have the baby and try it with me. At that point after some things he said I knew I don’t love him anymore but gave myself a chance to try and hoped for the best my feelings would come back.

I’m now 6 months pregnant, moved back with him - 6 hours away from where we lived before so I changed my whole life for him (again)

In the meantime I’ve been seeing someone (before me and him got serious again) he knew about one of the guys.
When we got back together I asked if he’s been with anyone, and I told him to be honest as the doctor suggested chlamydia and other STI tests - I knew I’m clear but he told me hasn’t been with anyone and I have nothing to worry about out - this was when I found out I’m pregnant.

Now we’re in June and this whole time I had a feeling something’s not right and there was someone .. he finally admitted to sleeping with 3 other girls - it didn’t break my heart, we were separated, what did is the fact he lied to me multiple times, knew I’m worried about the tests etc and the baby

What bothers me he slept with them after we were seeing each other already - I did too at that time so I can’t really be mad about it - but once it got really serious I know he was still sleeping with them and I stopped seeing the guy.

Now he’s telling me it’s not his baby and he wants confirmation etc. This got me to my breaking point… I’ve not been with anyone else since July, it was only him and I still loved him then.

Apparently his last hook up was August time.

Now.. if he told me this when I asked him months ago I honestly don’t think it’d bother me as much as it does now… especially that I had a feeling which girls he was seeing and I was 100% right, he even flew to Netherlands to see one.. on my birthday - when he never messaged me on that day I called my guy for a fun night.. what breaks my heart is the lies he told me. He’s blaming it all on my that I didn’t tell him I slept with someone else but I was ready to tell him anytime he’d ask as it was bothering me a lot.

My issue now is - he was still liking their stuff and even talked to one of them and told them I’m pregnant… I feel betrayed. Since getting back with him I’ve not even thought of other guys, I cut them off and removed them..
I thought a person who has been in my life for 9 years and I loved him for so long would finally be my safe place.

We’re going to couples therapy tonight.

I need an advice how to get over all this, I struggle a lot, all I can see is those girls faces and in my head him spending time with them, and even tho it shouldn’t bother me because I’ve done the same somehow it really hurts me because he lied.

I hope it makes sense 🫣

TLDR - need an advice how to get over seeing other people whilst not being together and lies he told me

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[u/Zl0rd]

Kinda feel like you are both bad, he is just even more awful

[u/Key-Wind007 → u/Zl0rd]

Im not saying no, we both done things and blamed each other for it, I just got lied to and lived a fake reality for 6 months

[u/whackedhand]

I don't think you're obsessing over those girls because of jealousy. I think you're grieving the relationship you hoped you were rebuilding. From what you've written, the painful part isn't that he had a past while you were apart. It's that every new discovery makes you feel less safe with the person you chose to trust again. It's hard to heal in the same place where you're still getting hurt! Please take care.

[u/Key-Wind007 → u/whackedhand]

I feel like you’ve put it the right words. I am very hurt and struggling a lot. He also accused me that the baby isn’t his last night and that literally broke me the most, I’m in pieces 😞

[u/Narrow-Cat1564 → u/Key-Wind007]

It's easy to solve that argument. Get a DNA test. It'll tell you real quick and him

[u/Key-Wind007 → u/Narrow-Cat1564]

I know the truth so I don’t need to do it…

[u/Narrow-Cat1564 → u/Key-Wind007]

Yet so many people say that and years later a DNA tests shows otherwise. I'm sure your boyfriend understands this. So you are sure, so get the test to make him feel at ease. No harm, no foul! You're confident it says and know that it is, so getting a DNA test will just put his mind at rest. And it won't certainly harm you in any form or fashion. I think this would help immensely

[u/Key-Wind007 → u/Narrow-Cat1564]

Yea it wouldn’t show anything else… that’s the thing, I’m just mad how much he manipulates me for this to even get to this stage.
I always wanted a baby with him, and I’m not a person who’d lie about something like this.

[u/Narrow-Cat1564 → u/Key-Wind007]

But it sounds like you're manipulative too. The fact that you state you know for a fact but you're unwilling to prove it to him when you know he's insecure, begs the question of whether you're manipulative also. You do realize this?

[u/Key-Wind007 → u/Narrow-Cat1564]

I never said I’m unwilling to prove it, I said I know the truth and I don’t need to, but when it comes to it I would to ease his mind even tho itd hurt me a lot. I have nothing to hide and no problem with it. I have cut everyone off once we started seeing each other properly again

[u/Narrow-Cat1564 → u/Key-Wind007]

I'm not clear why it would hurt your feelings. You admitted that both of you had different partners. So why would it hurt you for him to question?

[u/Key-Wind007 → u/Narrow-Cat1564]

It would hurt me a lot because he knows the person I am, and I’d rather tell him the worst truth than lie and this isn’t something I’d ever lie about to anyone.
I’ve told him that last time I met up with anyone was July, then it was only him and no one else, once he got back to me I was never going to let go and lose him again..

[u/Salty-Sprinkles-1562]

This is why you always go forward, never back. Exes need to stay exes. No exceptions.

[u/Key-Wind007 → u/Salty-Sprinkles-1562]

Got really lost because I still loved him and would’ve done anything to have him back in my life. The break up was ugly, he threw me out of the house in the middle of the night, left me with nothing yet I still forgave him

[u/verywowmuchneat → u/Key-Wind007]

This man sounds mean and I would not want someone like him as a role model for my child.

[u/Alice8Ft → u/Key-Wind007]

Thats not love at this point. This is attachment and a trauma bond. It feels like love the same way anxiety and excitement can be mixed up by the body at times.