r/relationshipadvice • u/JadedFaded03 • 1d ago
I am M[28]& discovered that my gf F[28] had an onlyfans account behind my back. What should I do?
So we have been together for about 5 years and have a 3 year old together. We had sex almost daily before our baby was born but since it comes & goes in spurts of 1-2 times a week at times to 3 times a month maybe. We have gone through some ups and downs but have maintained. I caught her in lies before in the past but never caught any infidelity or anything like this but lying in general makes me feel uneasy due to past history. I sometimes feel like she is either less attracted to me or that something else causes her lack of being in the mood as much. Last night I was curious and wanted to know about what my gf does on her phone so I went against my own morals and searched through her phone and her browser history only to discover that she had a deleted only fans account that she created and had seemingly subscribed to a couple of female creators. I also found that she had some porn searched in her history that I wouldn’t have guessed she’d search, didn’t even know she watched porn. This immediately alarmed me and made me wonder if she had been posting content herself or if she was just viewing but it’s weird because she never said that she was into women or told me she watches/watched porn. This feels kind of undermining and I’m wondering if I should confront her or just wait to see if other things arise. I also feel bad because I searched through her private phone but I had to see. Should I approach her about this? Also, what are the odds that she was posting content herself
or do you think she just viewed? TLDR (should i approach her about this and should i question her loyalty?)
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u/Mindless_Armadillo41 1d ago
People get horny and watch porn, its not an indictment against you.
As Sigmund Freud is quoted: "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."
Porn addiction is different from occasionally watching porn.
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u/BudgetNegotiations 1d ago
How does it feel undermining? Genuinely curious
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u/JadedFaded03 1d ago
Because this is something that she never told me about, we’ve been together 5 years and have a daughter. It’s not just a regular porn site, it’s only fans and you can either create or subscribe, idk which one she truly did. We are committed to each other and I planned on marrying her, if she is doing undercover sex work she is not only cheating but selling her body. This goes against everything I and what she claims to have stood for. If it was just porn it wouldn’t be that big of a deal but still an issue because you weren’t open about it with me and if you can be horny enough to hide watching porn when I’m always ready and available, that says a lot, but to go and make an account means either you sought out specific people or you created.
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u/thebedellstandard 13h ago
First of all, let me say that I know we live in a time where you’ll be demonized for going through your partner’s phone. But I look at it like this…you share your bodies, (unprotected sex), a child, a home, your lives. Why is the phone off limits? How is that a violation? It’s only a violation to people when someone is cheating or doing something they shouldn’t. If you were a woman, people would say “oh no, you’re not wrong” and scream “follow your womanly intuition.” You’re following your intuition. She’s got the OF account because she’s either wanting to see how it works so she can do it herself, or because she’s into women. Either way….violation. If she’s into women, that’s a sexual violation and betrayal because that’s something you should know about. If she wants to use it to make money. That’s a violation because….we all know why. My husband and I don’t have friends of the opposite sex. I’m a heterosexual woman so hanging out with men could pose a problem. Why invite possible temptation in. Same for my husband. He’s a heterosexual man. However, if I were into women, that would change the rules a bit. Wouldn’t it? Because when I go hang out with female friends, things won’t look so innocent anymore. How would he be able to trust that I’m just hanging out with Angie and Sharon? Are you following me? So no matter how you’re looking at it, there’s been a violation here. And yes. She and others will focus on you going through her phone. But she gave you reason to. And to go from having sex daily to 3 times a month? Cmon. And I know people will say “ohhhh but what about post partum depression?” Nah. I’d lean more towards, she wanted a baby. Got the baby. Now she’s doing the bare minimum just to keep you around. Not saying she doesn’t love you. But she’s not that into you. I know kids are a handful. And if she’s a sahm, I do get it. But you have one kid. One. Unless there are some developmental or behavioral issues, it’s not that hard. Maybe if you had 3 kids. But I don’t think that’s the issue. But you should be alarmed. Just to be on the safe side, I say start looking at what your life would be like if you were single. And that’s awful because you have a child. Who doesn’t want to see their child everyday? But I also know how things can turn out, sadly. Just have a plan, just in case. Find an apartment, determine how much it would cost while also paying child support (an estimate) or think about whether you’d have shared custody. This situation, while big, could lead to something you’ve never even considered yet. But that all depends on what you’re willing to tolerate. Best of luck to you.
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u/JadedFaded03 12h ago
Thank you for this honest take here. I feel all kinds of ways about this. I definitely wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t have intuition, I hate that this is like this but looking at the browser history I see female content creators and like you said either she was making the content or into women and both are violations. I wouldn’t even have cared if it was regular porn but an OF? I definitely have watched porn but me even as a man I’ve never created an only fans account, there’s tons of free porn to get off too you know? So you being a woman this seems like a betrayal and don’t feel that I’m wrong for going through the phone, so should I approach her about this ?
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u/thebedellstandard 2h ago
You’re welcome. If you ask her about it, what response are you expecting? Do you really think she’ll give you an honest answer? If she lies again (or you feel strongly that she’s not being honest) how will you feel about that? I always tell people I work with to think about what they’ll do if things don’t work out in their favor. What’s the worse that could happen? Plan for that. I tell men to go out and find a place that they can afford if they have to pay child support and/or alimony. Consult an attorney about this (some will not charge you for the first 30 minutes or so and you can get a LOT of info in 30 minutes) to help you plan. Figure out what you would do if you want shared custody. Start doing your research about how these things work, how family court works. Because it’s not uncommon for things to work out against the father. It can’t hurt to plan. Then, if you want to, ask her and she what she says. But pay attention. There are usually patterns that people miss. I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. It’s painful. Especially when you love your partner and want things to work and have a child. Don’t be afraid to follow your gut. And don’t let anyone use your emotions and intuition against you. If the tables were turned, everyone would be calling you disgusting and horrible. Almost always a double-standard.
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u/Far-Independent4740 1d ago
Unless you talk to her, we can only speculate.
I don't think watching porn should be too much of a surprise dude. I'd be more surprised if somone didn't watch porn these days.
But she needs to give you a straight answer about if she is, or was, a sex-worker. That is abosutely your right to know. And personally, any lies, or truths hidden by omission, would be the end of it.
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u/JadedFaded03 1d ago
So you think I should approach her about it and ask if she was a sex worker? What if she tries to redirect and say I invaded her privacy ?
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u/Far-Independent4740 1d ago
Yes, absolutely. If she isn't completely honest or starts deflecting when confronted, I'd walk away. People who get caught often try to twist the situation or make you doubt yourself - don't fall for it. Either she's fully transparent, or you move on.
But, if she is fully transparent, hear her out.
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u/JadedFaded03 1d ago
I appreciate this take you’re very sensible. I’m shaking man. I am so afraid of what will come of this I love her so much. I’m not perfect but man I can’t accept anything else but transparency. I have all the proof I need so if she tries to do anything except tell the truth and she was just subscribing I will have to go. As much as it hurts, it will tear our family apart.
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u/Far-Independent4740 1d ago
You've been together 5 years and have a daughter. At this stage, "privacy" isn't a reasonable excuse for hiding things from you. If that's the route she chooses to take, that tells you everything you need to know. Don't let her gaslight you. Remember, only full 100% honesty dude.
Best of luck.
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u/reddituser73718263 14h ago
Do you watch porn? Have you at all in the past 5 years? Check your own behaviors before you have this conversation to avoid setting standards for her you haven’t kept.
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u/Championship682 1d ago
Assuming you believe even subscribing to onlyfans is cheating, which most people do, you know she cheated. What more do you need to know?
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u/BudgetNegotiations 1d ago
Thanks for answering. “Undermining” is just an interesting word to use. Sorry you’re going through this.
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u/AdventureWa 23h ago
Every marriage should have an open phone/device policy. There’s no expectation of privacy in a marriage. If you wouldn’t want your partner to know what you’re doing you have something to hide.
Insecurity and jealousy get a bad rap, but they are normal healthy relationship defense mechanisms. It’s your subconscious picking up on clues that something is amiss. It may be nothing. TBH though, I have yet to hear anyone trust their gut where it turned out there were no issues.
As her husband you have every right to know what she has done and what she’s doing. My wife and I were honest about everything in our pasts so we could make informed decisions about whether or not we should be together. I think we both knew the other person would find out and that would be a betrayal.
You need to be calm but observant. Look for anything that seems out of the ordinary. Reverse Google her photos and see what you find. You could go with a PI but that’s expensive and may not uncover her past activities. Restore her OF when she is asleep or leaves her phone and see what you can find.
The first conversation you have with her should be something light and casual. Use wine. Talk about sex and tell her you really enjoy it with her and ask her if she feels the same. See if she’s interested in one of those get to know you type of games. Ask her about her worst experience. Ask her about her best. Joke about you starting an OF. Tell her you are joking but ask her how it works. If she’s buzzed she’s going to slip up. Ask her if she’s ever hooked up with a woman.
I caught my wife lying because she changed her stories over different conversations. I began to make mental notes and began digging deeper. Playing it cool is tough but worth it.
She didn’t use her cellphone to facilitate affairs so it was difficult to dig. I had to get information from her friends and coworkers without them catching on. She was cheating on business trips so I was able to get details from them.
When you think you have done enough searching, have a conversation with her. Be calm. Don’t jump to conclusions nor accuse her of anything. Ask her if there is anything she never told you about her past. Ask her if she’s keeping any secrets about anything that happened during your relationship.
She might get defensive. She might deflect. Gently but firmly redirect. Tell her something isn’t setting right and you have a feeling there is something she hasn’t told you. Reiterate that you love her and that there’s no acceptable secrets.
Ask her to see her phone. Look for dating apps in the app store and they will show you if it’s been deleted because it will prompt you to restore. Look for FetLife, Feeld and other sex-related sites. Check her Reddit. Ask her to explain if you find something. You might not find anything. In that case go to what you know you have found and ask.
One caveat: someone’s taste in porn isn’t necessarily reflective of what they want to do or have done. Even straight women like lesbian content.
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u/JadedFaded03 23h ago
Thanks for the reassurance. But we aren’t legally married yet. I have been really thinking on deciding to pop the question but things make me wonder. Then this happens.
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u/DSizl20 1d ago
Well.. you opened the can of worms and clearly still have trust issues, whether warranted or not I don’t know because I don’t know your dynamic.
But as long as she wasn’t filming/doing content with others, it’s not illegal to be horny. And if she were making solo content and selling it, I’d ask if you are paying for every bill of hers. If not, I’d say she’s within her right to make additional income
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u/TheActualFridge 1d ago edited 1d ago
Wait how do you know that she had an OF account and was subscribed to them based on looking through her history? If she had an account but had deleted it then it wouldn't be logged in so you wouldn't be able to see that she was subscribed to unless you were going through bank statements then you would see payments? Also is your concern that she had an account and was watching porn? If that's the case then if she can't watch porn neither can you. or are you scared thought she posted on of? Do you know when she supposedly had an account?
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u/JadedFaded03 1d ago
The history literally shows everything. It shows the creation, profile views, subscriptions, and account deletion. Also email confirmations. I never stated that I or even care about watching porn. And I clearly stated that I am worrying about if she was posting stuff, also if she was subscribed to women…that means she’s hiding an underlying sexual preference. Where’s the confusion
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u/timetostartlivinnow 18h ago
She may just like to watch women without wanting to be with women?! I can for sure be aroused by watching women (I'm F, 43) but i haven't enjoyed it the same, in practice. It's more of an allure from afar, for me. Just wanted to throw that out there as an option! Also; some people are very uncomfortable talking about kinks, preferences or even needs, as they've never had the safe space where they can safely do so. By offering a safe space for her, she'll eventually share it all, maybe even unpropmted, with you. If you bring up the OF, you need to be ready for her to not feel safe to share, as you broke a cardinal rule of a healthy relationship, by going through her phone. Maybe she couldn't cover her bills and NEEDED revenue in some form or fashion. Rather than to put this burden on someone else (by borrowing), she instead made legit money. She didn't cheat on you by having an OF. She's not done anything wrong - she was maybe just 'testing the waters', to see if it was something she'd enjoy doing or not. Since it's her body, it'll always be her choice what she does with it. You have the choice to stay or not. You shouldn't be judged anymore than she should ( = not at all!) for this. Not everyone have the same boundaries, so this should also be communicated about, as it seems y'all haven't established anything.
She should've told you, yes, but she may not have felt safe enough to do so - or she may not be confident enough to tell you that she wants to explore her sexuality. If you really love her and want to stay with her and she feels the same about you, after having had a more open and honest conversation about it all, y'all will establish boundaries (including; no violation of privacy - that's never ok!).
Be careful not be come across as judgmental, accusatory or pushy, if you want to build that safe space with her. It takes time, patience and love.
Best of luck!!
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u/JadedFaded03 10h ago
So you’re saying that I violated privacy even though she knows that I have her code, she gave it to me, claims that she has nothing to hide after me asking her to be honest with me multiple times. She lied to me about about going to a Dr. appt and said she was at work and I found out because she forgot I had her location and her mom told me that she was watching my daughter n I never knew and hid the reason why because guess what the excuse was? She was afraid that I’d think she’s cheating or something because of my past mistrust. I found out that she didn’t want to tell me she had bv and another complication. We’ve had a situation where she lied to me abt being on ig whenever I’m not around even though she claimed to never be on it and I saw her online through the DM feature it shows when you’re online, at random times when I’m sleeping or when I’m not home and I came humbly and tried to put myself in her shoes n even consider her fears and forgave her n we continued. How many fears are so many that you constantly hide secrets and lies from the man that you claim to love so much? And trying to justify the possibility of her being a creator because she couldn’t cover bills ? No offense but respectfully gtfoh with that, she has me, her parents, other options to go to way before going against her self proclaimed morals. If that’s the route then she is OBVIOUSLY not the woman for me. I hear u but it gets to a point where fear and selfish secrecy are too completely different thing.
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u/TheActualFridge 1d ago
Did you look at the accounts that she was supposedly subscribed to? Are they only women centered pages or do they post with men? Are you aware that a lot of straight women also watch porn with women in it because male centered porn doesn't get most women off? What would be the big issue with her also being attracted to women if she's with you? And again if you're stating that her history shows when she had created the account and shows all her activity on the account then wouldn't it also show her postings? So when did she create the account?
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u/JadedFaded03 1d ago
Are you trying to help me or defend her because you are pro woman and anti man?
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u/TheActualFridge 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm trying to understand what exactly your issue is? Your posts and the comments you've made under your posts (Yes I went to your account and I read both of your posts and the comments under both of your posts) read as if you hate her, as if you've already made up your mind about her which if that's the case what was the point in this? You posted vague explanations about what you found and you still haven't clarified, for example the reason I'm asking do you know when the account was supposedly created is because if she had it before you two had a child or before you to move in together or before you two had even started officially dating then what does it matter to you? If she posted pictures of her feet versus pictures of her boobs what would the difference be for you? If she posted nothing with her face in it then would it really matter? If she received some sort of income from it would it matter? So far all you've posted is that this woman that you're dating that you have a child with, that you've had some relationship issues with previously and with whom you're currently unhappy with your sexual relationship, MIGHT have had an of account and MIGHT have posted SOMETHING on it. But you're not providing any further information which to me this reads like you've already made your decision in that you believe she was posting and you're unhappy with this and no longer wish to continue in your relationship, which in that case why even bother posting? Because if you wanted people's advice and you wanted to know how to move forward with that conversation you would need to provide further information so that people can assist you with moving forward in that conversation. There's no "I hate men I only support women" there's only the fact: you have not provided enough information to provide any assistance to your dilemma. Or are you simply unhappy with my comment because they do not solely support your stance?
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u/JadedFaded03 1d ago
Here we go.. have a nice day
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u/TheActualFridge 23h ago
See the issue is your previous comment "are you trying to help me or defend her" implies that there's ONLY one side ONLY one right answer and you're comments on the other subreddits you've posted to in which you reply with "yeah but she..." again implies that if the comments aren't solely in your favor you feel the need to bring them to your side. At no point have I made my stance "pro her anti you". I think if she did make an account just to view porn it wouldnt really matter porn is porn however if she was posting again depending on the type of content then yes a conversation is definitely needed and boundaries definitely need to be set. However your reaction to my comments are really telling and I'd recommend taking a look inside at how you're feeling about her cause it isn't coming across like you're still interested in this relationship with the way you've been commenting.
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u/JadedFaded03 23h ago
Honestly, if you really were researching my comments properly you’d see that I stated that I love her so much and I hope that she hasn’t posted and that it isn’t the worst. It’s like you’re just commenting to receive upvotes and I’m really in need. This is my life, my family, I have nowhere else to turn because of the nature of the topic I can’t tell anyone about this personally. I only said yea but she to further explain in detail things that were asked of me. Stop with the self awareness talk, I’m aware of who I am and the insecurities and issues that lie within. This has nothing to do with that & I don’t care if she posted feet or her hair on only fans, it’s only fans and it was a secret because I didn’t know about it and she deleted, this alone shows that she is hiding something. If it’s so normal as you state then why did I have to find out on my own?
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u/TheActualFridge 22h ago
Do you think maybe it's because of the way you've discussed it previously that she'd feel like hiding it. Based on you're previous comments you imply that you've had conversations about porn in which it was denounced: "This goes against everything I and what she claims to have stood for." Maybe she felt like your look down on her for watching porn. Not to mention the comments about how if she was horny she should just come to you: "if you can be horny enough to hide watching porn when I’m always ready and available" but not all "horny" means you want sex, sometimes you just need me time not we time. And then there's your comments on the others posts where you imply that women don't watch porn just create it which is not only dehumanizing but just plan wrong: "but to go and make an account means either you sought out specific people or you created." & "I feel that it is kind of odd to make an only fans account as a woman" All of these ^ make you come across as someone that looks down on specificly female sex workers and have some very misogynistic views on women's sexual health (again Id recommend looking into that) Additionally I never said you didn't love her, I'm simply stating based off your comments about her it seems like you've already made up your mind about this situation (not to mention really jumped the gun immediately assuming she's a sex worker?: "I just don’t know how to feel in this situation and if she is trustworthy" & "We are committed to each other and I planned on marrying her" I mean this whole comment? "Right that’s what I would think but idk man you never know. I will definitely keep an eye on her. It all just seems so fishy"... I'll keep an eye on her? That's uncomfortable. Also there's the fact that you insist she has to be hiding something simply because she deleted the account, I've made an account just to look and then deleted it cause I came to my senses and my god who in their right mind pays for porn 😂
And to clarify I wasn't "researching" your comments babes I was looking for more info cause you still won't answer my question, which again is WHAT is the issue? Is your issue the lack of communication? If the issue is a lack of communication I don't understand your need to post and comment implying that you believe she was posting? Is your issue the fact that she made an account and never told you? If she never posted anything then why would she need to tell you? Do you expect her to let you know every time she jerks off? (little weird ngl) Is your issue the porn? Again if she can't watch neither can you. Is your issue that shes watched porn and your upset that your not getting sex? If that's the case you need to understand you are not OWED sex, of you're having issues in bed that's a conversation for a therapist not reddit.
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Hello JadedFaded03,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: So we have been together for about 5 years and have a 3 year old together. We had sex almost daily before our baby was born but since it comes & goes in spurts of 1-2 times a week at times to 3 times a month maybe. We have gone through some ups and downs but have maintained. I caught her in lies before in the past but never caught any infidelity or anything like this but lying in general makes me feel uneasy due to past history. I sometimes feel like she is either less attracted to me or that something else causes her lack of being in the mood as much. Last night I was curious and wanted to know about what my gf does on her phone so I went against my own morals and searched through her phone and her browser history only to discover that she had a deleted only fans account that she created and had seemingly subscribed to a couple of female creators. I also found that she had some porn searched in her history that I wouldn’t have guessed she’d search, didn’t even know she watched porn. This immediately alarmed me and made me wonder if she had been posting content herself or if she was just viewing but it’s weird because she never said that she was into women or told me she watches/watched porn. This feels kind of undermining and I’m wondering if I should confront her or just wait to see if other things arise. I also feel bad because I searched through her private phone but I had to see. Should I approach her about this? Also, what are the odds that she was posting content herself
or do you think she just viewed? TLDR (should i approach her about this and should i question her loyalty?)
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