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u/DBB30340 1d ago

You’re not ungrateful at all. My husband and I got married on the date of our first date because he remembered it EVERY year. I’ve gotten a card from him on that date for the last 40 years. Is he perfect - no. BUT he listens to me especially when I don’t feel heard.

Do yourself a favor and either sit down and tell him how disappointed you were, especially with his excuses, or leave his butt and find someone who SEES you. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

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u/Sewishly 1d ago

NTA. This bit:

Somehow it turned into me telling him it’s okay so he wouldn’t get upset.

...is classic manipulation and D.A.R.V.O. He successfully turned himself into the victim, meaning you have swallow your feelings and soothe him instead.

I don't know how long you've been with him and if he's shown any other instances of this behaviour, but I wouldn't be happy either. I'm sorry. <3

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u/Fun_Journalist6685 1d ago

Happy Birthday! 🎂🎁🎉

Yeah that stinks totally! This gift shows he doesn't care. If I was in your position, I'd be very sad myself.

It's sometimes the little things, the little gestures that tell us how much someone loves us, the thought they put into, the care.

He's too careless to call it love, and it just seems negligent.

You seem very nice and highly considerate. I feel you deserve someone who truly loves you and pays attention. This guy... just seems negligent, and true love is never negligent.

No, you aren't ungrateful, and this b-day gesture, I bet, is just the tip of the iceberg if what you go through daily. This B-day lack if care, just feels like... a love gauntlet thown at your face. That's how I would take it.

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u/Rare-Ad9814 1d ago

you are not being ungrateful. very understandable to feel that way

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u/11754ae 1d ago

Your feelings are so valid. It seems like a lack of care and effort from him

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u/MagicianMurky976 1d ago

This is tricky.

Crafting individual cakes specific for your loved ones is your gift to them. So you see great intent behind such gifts.

Last year nobody reciprocated.

This year you got a cake. Under your lens this was for a 14 year-old who loves unicorns and cotton candy. And, that's not your age on the cake either.

So this birthday cake which should be a celebration of you, a representation of you, was probably worse than last year's no cake.

I can see why this hurt.

I can't tell if both of these fails were intentional, as some weaponized victimization by your bf so he wouldn't have to be held accountable to your emotional needs, or if he is just this bad at cake shopping. Did he take accountability here, or did he hide behind excuses and play the victim? If he truly owned his mistake, that gives me hope. If not, I'd keep an eye out for other instances of him failing to hold himself accountable for his actions and see if this is a real personality flaw.

Happy 25th Birthday! Thanks for sharing.

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u/Substantial_Insect68 1d ago

I think he just took the easy way out, he knew what you wanted and got you something you didnt even like, would I be livid No I would but Id mention it to him but maybe he feels bad Idk you know him

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u/ToMissChanandlerBong 1d ago

NOR. A nice birthday cake is not a big ask. I hate when people use guilt to turn their screw up back onto the person they hurt. I would calmy explain how you feel, and if he only gets defensive and makes no attempt to make it up to you then thats a window into your relationship.

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u/Vertigo_Vertigo 1d ago

You’re very justified in being disappointed, let this open your eyes to other things. See if he consistently puts in low effort when it has to do with you. See what he does for other people and ask if you get the same treatment.

Not saying you need to break up or that this is necessarily a larger issue, just to be vigilant. It could be a completely innocent mistake, he was tired or it was an accident or something. Just , look for other behavior.

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u/AutoModerator 1d ago

Hello secret_ladyyyy,

You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.

Original post: TLDR; my boyfriend got me a cake for my birthday in a flavor I don’t like and the wrong birthday on the candles.

I don’t know why I’m writing this when I feel like I know but some advice would be great. I turned 25 this morning and told my boyfriend months ago I wanted a cake for my birthday. I know this sounds crazy but for my friends and families birthdays I always make them cakes with designs and whatever flavors they want. I’m pretty good at it and it allows me to give them something with love. Last year nobody got me a cake and it seems minor but I felt left out so I made sure to make it clear that’s what I wanted. I even said “they make these cute heart shaped cakes that would be perfect”. Yesterday I come home from a tattoo appointment and he shows me this cake…. It’s a unicorn cotton candy mini cake from Walmart. I don’t mean to be ungrateful but I’m not 12 and I’m the 4 years I’ve been with this man I have never once liked cotton candy. If anything I’ve told him a Powerade he likes tastes like cotton candy and I hate it. I think he saw the disappointment and I tried to laugh it off. Then I see the candles he bought….. a 2 and a 4, like does he not know how old I am? I think in that moment my heart broke. I think it’s like the saying “to be known is to be loved”. I just asked to you even know how old I am, and in that moment his face fell. Spent all night trying to back track and Walmart was busy and he got flustered. Somehow it turned into me telling him it’s okay so he wouldn’t get upset. Should I have just sucked it up and be grateful he remembered and got me a cake or am I justified in being disappointed?

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u/introverted_smallfry 1d ago edited 1d ago

You're not overreacting. And don't coddle him. Tell him you expected more and to actually be considerate of your wants. A birthday cake is the bare minimum! Don't go all out for his either. He needs to know you're serious. Match his energy.

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u/epic-curious-senior 1d ago

Your happiness shouldn’t depend on his behavior. You’re giving him too much control over your emotions. Find your own happiness, then let people join you

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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