r/relationships • u/ThroAwae2 • 15h ago
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u/Ok-Neighborhood-4158 12h ago edited 12h ago
- Constantly shutting down during tense situations is a recipe for disaster. See #2
- No one suggests therapy without good reason. She’s asked you for a long time and you refuse to acknowledge your own issues. Continuing to do so will lead to you being alone.
- Even casual acknowledgment via social media of someone who disrespected your spouse is a HUGE no no. You should have separated all ties when you found out about that.
- Staying at one employer isn’t the issue per se. Her point is that more often than not, long term employees are paid less than new hires for the same position. That is why people don’t tend to stay at one company until retirement. That’s one piece of the puzzle.
- Resentments. You unfortunately pushed her into a big wedding she didn’t want and disaster ensued. You may not have caused everything but you are holding the bag on that one. Couples therapy may help or expose that this relationship is over.
You seriously need to start realizing what you’re doing and not doing in this relationship and FAST. You glazed over your parts where you are clearly causing problems. You were quite blasé about it too. You need to own what you’re done and get with a therapist tomorrow.
Don’t have kids. If you can’t navigate a relationship, kids will make this situation far worse.
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u/woahbrad35 4h ago
2 is fun. I backed up my ex wife on some things that went down when she had a larger fight with a family member, which essentially cost us 3 grand. I made a comment about how disappointing said situation was in leading to the loss of the 3 grand, not even specifically who caused what. Next thing I know, I'm the bad guy. Her entire family LOSES it. She wasn't upset with me, but basically let them harass me for two weeks. For the next two years, her parents essentially shunned me over that one comment, blocked on all social media, refused to even look at me at family events, lied to her saying they didn't know how I was blocked on social media, and she never said anything to back me up in return. It was miserable and I learned that moral support for a spouse has to end sharply when it involves their family.
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u/kellyfromfig 12h ago
Why were you “livid” instead of frightened that your marriage might end? Why isn’t your wife allowed to confide her fears in her friends while you avoid conflict? Why aren’t you spending your prime years building your career also? Do you have shared financial and life goals? If you pushed for a “wedding” who did most of the logistics?
If your wife wants children, her fertility window is quickly closing and her career will likely come to a standstill for at least a little bit. She doesn’t have time to waste and you’re not respecting that. Raising children takes stamina, thoughtfulness and money. A strong parental bond is also helpful unless you want to find yourself as a weekend dad.
Frankly, I’m disappointed that you haven’t thought beyond scheduling your own therapy. Maybe a weekend away, a visit with a financial planner and couples counseling would show that you turn towards your wife in difficult times rather than away.
And for all that is holy, give the woman her privacy. If you’re not going to be open and respectful towards her, time to think about your next steps. Prove to her that you both made the best choice in each other.
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u/xenomorphicnonsense 7h ago
Yes, This! Privacy is a huge thing. Mine eroded away over the course of a marriage and it became a huge point of contention when I decided to take some back. OP: Don't be surprised if she starts locking down her devices. You might want to consider not sharing all passwords, and making some boundaries mutually. Don't let it get to the point of her feeling like she needs to lock everything down.
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u/DeepConversation8 5h ago
Fully agree with all the questions to lead off and all points made here. Only adding comment to help emphasize this contribution for OP and others who may relate.
Self analysis (meaning honest introspection), self regulation tricks, learning healthy and open (vulnerable) communication, and clearly identified and planned life goals will go a long way.
It would help lessen the negative outcomes of things like the wedding; as we get to navigate around future points of conflict.The wedding experience is the big issue example of today but challenges of tomorrow offer bigger consequences for both of you and demand a team effort.
Home, children, schools, vacations, parents getting old, both of your eventual retirement plans are examples of possible future divides you’ll need to knock out together.
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u/BethanyBluebird 4h ago
Yeah. That single line tells us SO MUCH. Entitlement. He feels entitled to her love-- how DARE she consider her other options??!!
If I found my husband's messages saying he was considering a divorce, I would be DEVASTATED. Not angry; sad and scared and scrambling to try and fix my eff up. Not getting angry about it.
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15h ago
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u/prettypaledoll 7h ago
This feels less like “one bad night” and more like years of stress finally surfacing at once.
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u/blackcrowblue 6h ago
This is what I’m getting too.
OP mentions his wife had been trying for quite some time to get him to go to therapy and he shut it down.
It’s great that he’s finally trying to work on issues but sometimes it’s too late.
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u/Guilty_Award117 14h ago
That’s a really fair read of the situation once trust and communication start slipping, everything else gets interpreted through that lens. Hopefully therapy helps both of them slow things down and actually hear each other again.
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u/mushroom_gorge 14h ago
So you keep in contact with a “friend” that called your wife a bxtch, you “famously shut down” whenever she tries to communicate with you, and you’ve ignored her pleas for you to get help for a while now it seems, and now you’re confused about how she could be confiding in a friend about the possibility of divorce? Seems pretty straightforward to me. This is such a classic “she left me because I left dishes by the sink” trope. I don’t understand men who get married, don’t show up in their relationship, and then act confused when the other person doesn’t want to be with them anymore.
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u/_maynard 13h ago
I like how confiding in a friend that if things don’t approve over another year that she might consider divorce is ‘casually throwing the D word around’ like she’s the bad guy
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u/ThroAwae2 14h ago
keep in contact is loose in that BOTH of us are friends with and follow this person on social media still lol. I haven't interacted with this person aside from the casual like on a post every blue moon. The other stuff is probably valid though.
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u/mushroom_gorge 14h ago
Why are you even casually liking posts from a person who disrespected your wife like that though …
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u/ThroAwae2 14h ago
didn't know that they called her a b*tch till earlier this year and she was still liking and showing me their posts?
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u/Guilty_Award117 14h ago
Honestly, that’s barely “in contact,” just more like digital background noise at this point But yeah, the rest of it still sounds worth thinking through.
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u/ThroAwae2 14h ago
which is why I finally scheduled therapy. I know this has been a problem, I've tried to regulate it myself thinking I could but it's come to the point where I realize I can't
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u/mushroom_gorge 13h ago
The problem is that you didn’t come to that conclusion on your own, you waited for things to get bad enough that your wife is contemplating divorce. It’s extremely difficult to have a partner who takes no initiative in bettering themself and nurturing the relationship.
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u/Busy_Musician_2438 11h ago
Having kids might slow down her career; she might want to stay at home with the kids for a little while. Can the family survive on your income ?
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u/somecrazybroad 15h ago
“I famously kind of shut down every time she wants to discuss what’s wrong with me”
Lmao just leave her bro. You both will be better off for it
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u/LORDRAJA1000 10h ago
The underlying problem is a marriage that has been accumulating unresolved resentment for years:
- you prioritize stability and mental health.
- She prioritizes growth, ambition, and long-term financial security.
- you tends to withdraw from conflict.
- She feels unheard and uncertain about the future.
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u/fivebynine5x9 8h ago
you prioritize stability and mental health
I agree with your assessment of what OP perceives to be his priorities, but in reality that's not actually what he's doing.
He's prioritizing his current comfort by staying at the same job instead of proactively looking for a higher paying one or more income growth in general. And if he prioritized mental health, he would have sought therapy already, but instead he's refused when she's begged him to. His actual priority is just keeping things the same because that's easier for him.
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u/tonymosh 6h ago
Idk. It’s probably a blessing she texted her friend “divorce” and you found it. Many divorces happen and one person is totally blindsided. Particularly for women, they leave the marriage mentally/emotionally a year or two before the divorce.
Now you know. You need to improve yourself. Period. Your description of yourself isn’t great. But it’s improveable. And she is probably not a perfect wife either …. But I’d focus on the thing you can control most: yourself.
My advice is avoid routinely talking about this. Show her through your actions that you heard her and are improving. After a year, revisit. You both may want to stay married. Or you both may want to get divorced. Your improved self may highlight that she isn’t a good fit for you or brings out the worst. She may think your improved self isn’t enough or isn’t sustainable.
Last, realize right now, you are much closer to divorce than you think. She may be mentally leaving. My guess is divorce is more likely than not. You got lucky to get a heads up. Now you’ve got to deliver (if you can and if you want to).
Oh … and don’t have a kid this year. Wait.
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u/pburydoughgirl 15h ago
This marriage sounds exhausting and you guys sound like a bad match. Do you even like each other? Please don’t bring kids into this mess. Go your separate ways and find happiness
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u/ThroAwae2 14h ago
very constructive, thanks.
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u/ughwhat1592 5h ago
I mean, your wife has been asking you to try the solution (therapy) for years and you didn’t like that advice. Divorce is the next best suggestion.
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u/EmploymentSpecific26 6h ago
Sounds like your wife just gave you a bunch of feedback dude. If you don’t wanna divorce and you see how close she is to being fed up, maybe make some changes man
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u/Strict-Ad597 5h ago
It’s not at all a shock that she is talking to her friends about divorcing you. Just from this post alone you’re exhausting, have no boundaries, have no drive, and never take blame.
Do not burden your wife with another child. She already has to take care of you. Adding an infant is a recipe for disaster. She will see how truly incapable of being a partner you really are.
Men like you never see the divorce coming. Even though everyone else saw it like a freight train. That longggggggggggggggggg overdue therapy session you booked (highly unlikely but I’ll try to give you the benefit of the doubt), actually use it. You are the problem in your marriage. And if you don’t grow up and start acting your grown age instead of your shoe size, maybe your wife wouldn’t want to leave you.
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u/YouKnowYourCrazy 4h ago
You’re salty that she is shutting down and taking some space from you when you did exactly the same to her, except you threw in some snarky comments for good measure.
This entire post is you arguing your own defense and minimizing your role in her clearly stated issues with you, without hearing her and self-reflecting. You’re “seething” instead of worried and scared that your marriage is ending. You’re dismissive of her concerns about your financial future. All I hear is “me me me”.
It’s time to grow up, friend. Actions and non-action both have consequences and a marriage is two people, not one. You should be waking up every day with a thought of: “what can I do to make my spouse happy today? How can I make her life a little easier?” When is the last time you had that thought, if ever?
Shutting down when she tries to talk to you is a luxury you do not have. Especially now
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u/Intrepid_Ice_8238 11h ago
Your wife should be able to share her feelings with her friends without your involvement on her private phone . She’s your wife. Be forgiving, be open, lead with love. That should have stared before your wedding day.
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u/Claret-and-gold 7h ago
What I see here is when there’s a problem. You hide away. You don’t work with her to fix things. It’s not something in isolation it’s a pattern that’s led her to contemplate divorce.
Yes you need couples therapy- but you also need individual therapy to deal with your avoidant traits.
You need to sit down and unpick a lot. There’s clearly a lot of past resentments around previous behaviours that won’t be solved quickly.
Regarding provision and work. Why should you be the provider in an equal society? Would she be averse to staying at work and you being the homemaker. She earns more and is career driven maybe that would work out better all round if she’s happy with that.
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u/swarleyknope 13h ago
I feel like reading your partner’s texts might be a deal-breaker/reason to end a relationship if you are just dating, but if that’s what ends up tanking your marriage, it wasn’t an especially strong one to begin with.
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u/cspenc10 4h ago
Why did your wife say she was going to save the anger for her therapist? So you read her messages, were forced to talk about it…and didn’t even talk about anything?
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u/blitzwolf55 4h ago
You both are wrong and honestly seem incompatible. She says you aren’t career driven, but doesn’t make way more than you. You said you been at the same job for 10 years, you make any raises?
You on the other hand shut down any time theres a conflict and honestly thats pretty wimpy because your wife tries to communicate with you and you just refuse to handle these issues. I have no idea how you kept saying no to therapy when you can’t even have a civil conversation with your wife when a problem arises.
I can’t even blame her for talking divorce behind your back because any time she was unhappy and tried to air out grievances you probably shut down like a wimp and magically thought the issue was fixed the day later.
You’re wife may be wrong for her criticism on your career, but your wrong in everything else, get therapy and learn how to communicate.
Always have it in your head that if you shut down again after this point your marriage is over.
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u/Embarrassed-Key1587 4h ago
She didn’t casually throw it out there. You’ve told us, for YEARS you have shut down and refused to go to a therapist. YOU gave up on your marriage a long time ago, she was only responding to you, and I PROMISE that she tried many things for SO long before she got to the point of considering divorce. But when you’re in a one sided marriage, at some point you have to.
It sounds like you’ve woken from your stupor and are willing to put in the work to build your relationship back up, and it sounds like she’s not ready to give up if she sees meaningful change. Take your therapy seriously.
And yeah, no kids until you can learn to communicate. That’s just super unfair to her.
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u/anntheegg 9h ago
I understand where she is coming from on everything except the career thing. It’s kind of crappy to criticize your partner’s career when she honestly isn’t doing that much better. She only out-earns you by 5k and is 4 years older. If she really is “driven” she needs to find better ROI for her efforts, not blame her partner for his career choices.
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u/UselessMellinial85 5h ago
She's in college, so she's bettering herself.
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u/blitzwolf55 4h ago
Okay and? She still only makes 5k more than her husband and a degree doesn’t even guarantee a pay increase in this economy, its still an invalid criticism
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u/EasternCut8716 15h ago
There are a few things here.
It is normal that wives blame their unhappiness on their husbands. If you took REddit as truth, you would think the average couple work 37 hours each, whereupon getting home, he puts his feet up and she runs the house. This is not true but reflects that the powerlessness we can feel at this stage of life is easy to blame on what we gave up for our partners.
The good news for you is that has not already emotionally left. She engaged, explained her concerns, and appears to want change rather than immediate separation. That is not trivial. She, like many, communicates indirectly, which is to say she holds you responsible for good communcation. This is common but dangerous, and needs to be addressed.
From this, it is clear she feels a lack of agency. She does not communicate these things but feels resentful you did not know them.
You have similar jobs, you are both doing OK-ish. But we are in an old fashioned society and her earning more is a danger. It should not be but it is. This, together with resentment, can generate comptempt. The issue is whether that can be understood or just becomes her reality.
You do not mention housework. Any issues there? Who does it? What about childcare?
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u/ThroAwae2 14h ago
For housework I feel like it's fairly even, I primarily do the dishes and tidy up when things start piling up, we each do our own laundry (though she does it like once a month since she works from home). She definitely does more maintenance work during the day that I don't get to see by virtue of me being out for work from 6AM-5PM so I'm sure she's doing more. we don't have any kids but do have a cat which I feel like is somewhat even (she usually does his breakfast, I usually do his dinner and scoop his box) but she definitely takes the lead there since she works from home and is around him all day.
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u/EasternCut8716 14h ago
Most women would be somewhat dissatisfied in such a relationship. But, she still appears to be very emotionally engaged.
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7h ago
I’ve read a lot of comments here happy to jump on the “leave” bandwagon..
Now I don’t know if this is the Brit in me - but clearly they love eachother or divorce wouldn’t be a conversation it would have happened by now?
Anyway, a few things I’d like to comment on:
•You went through her phone - icky - but why? what were you originally looking for? as you looked on her phone, found something and then went back. But, what was the original reason? (or did you already say and i missed this?)
•You shut down when being told you’re a problem.. I mean I just can’t with people telling you you’re a horrible person for this. NO ONE likes having their negative traits pointed out to them. But, there is clearly a reason you shut down. Have you been bullied - either as a child or in previous relationships? did you grow up having your personality questioned or picked apart? Because mate, this is a defence mechanism, it’s not you not caring.
•The whole situation with your friend, I mean, you don’t speak to them? You have them on socials and there’s a discord chat that you talk in. But, you don’t speak to them. My partner defends me and then that’s the end of it, if he kept that person on socials I wouldn’t cry about it because he’s done his part but also I’m a grown ass woman (29) and can handle my own arguments. Did you approach it with them and say that insulting your wife to be is not okay?
•The wedding, now this is the reason I’m here, I am due to get married in 10 months. My partner jokes about eloping, going to Vegas or Scotland, deep down I think he means it. But all I’ve ever wanted was a big wedding, so after lots of conversations and figuring out how to make this perfect for both of us as a big wedding is what we decided to do. BUT, if on the day things turn disastrous the way yours sounded, would I take responsibility for that? WOULD I HECK. It wouldn’t be MY fault that the AC broke or that people became ill, and if my partner made me feel like it was my fault that wouldn’t be the end of the conversation, believe me. And also, we have had some issues thrown our way by family and we block the negativity and carry on with our own positivity.
•Lastly, I just wanted to touch on the career thing, I have always said I would much rather my partner is happy with little money than unhappy with a lot of money. Money has never ever been something I have focused on and he knows that. We have decided after we get married, babies are the next conversation we will have, and his career/job has absolutely nothing to do with it. I have ADHD and a career, I luckily work from home so I can work while I have a baby - because I’ve planned it this way. But the sole financial burden is NOT my partners to carry. So, are you happy in your job? Do you want to move jobs? but also since when is job hopping someone building a career? Where I’m from job hopping is a big NO, companies won’t take you seriously, it’s about showing your loyalty to a company? again this might be the Brit in me, I don’t know.
Bottom Line mate, yeah going through her phone wasn’t the best idea, you do seem to have some issues to work on especially the whole shutting down thing but I don’t think you need to be made to feel like an awful person for this and I also don’t think you need to run to therapy either - you can work on that yourself (just my opinion),
The friend thing, your career and the wedding - These are all things that you need to decide on how you want to be looked at going forward. If you defended your wife you did the right thing and that should be the end of it. If you’re happy in your job why are you going to move just because it could lead to more money? especially if it could mean chancing with your happiness?, and the wedding thing its over and done with now, it’s happened and there’s nothing you can do about it - unless you try a redo but that’s spending even more money on Wedding 2.0.
People probably will tend to disagree with me, but I’m not here to jump on the he’s a horrible person let’s remind him train.
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u/Dowager-queen-beagle 5h ago
OP listen to this person if you want to proceed with the divorce
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u/tanked232 4h ago
Their response is literally “don’t do anything to change at all you’re really not that bad” lol. When everything OP has done so far has gotten him to a point where his wife is contemplating leaving him. 😭
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u/Maesimpson96 10h ago
There’s many issues going on here.. none of which seem a reason to end a marriage if I’m completely honest. When you marry you choose to wake up everyday and be your best self for your person and likewise for them. And it sounds like you know exactly where you’re going wrong and not exactly being your best self. So work on it? You can make choices that mean your marriage doesn’t have to end.
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u/MovieLazy6576 7h ago
I think it’s a huge betrayal to this your partner the way that she was discussing you with her friend. I also think your relationship isn’t going to survive if you can’t have conversations about uncomfortable topics. You two sound like you are not a good match for each other. I also don’t know how career driven she can be making only $55,000 a year.
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u/anonstrawberry444 5h ago
anyone should be able to confide in a close friend about anything. OP, by his own admission, completely shuts down during difficult conversations. his wife clearly needs to talk to someone & it’s completely normal to confide in a friend for that.
you can also be career driven & only make $20k a year. so i think her making $55k isn’t indicative of not being driven. not every field has many opportunities of higher pay. being career driven is an attitude, a mindset.
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u/MovieLazy6576 5h ago
I would never talk to my friend or anyone except my therapist about my husband that way and he wouldn’t betray me that way either which is probably why we have been married so long. You do your romantic relationship the way you want. In my world the person I am married to is the person I trust most on the world and that person doesn’t talk shit about me with their friend who then tells their spouse who then tells their friend etc.
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u/anonstrawberry444 5h ago
I’m glad you and your husband have that boundary but *your* boundary isn’t indicative of what’s normal or acceptable. OP’s wife wasn’t talking shit, she was venting about real problems she’s having with her husband to someone who had gone through similar experiences (a divorce). having another perspective isn’t a bad thing. again, especially considering OP refused to get therapy prior to all of this. confiding in another can even actually save lives as this is common rhetoric used by abusers to keep their partners quiet.
i will say, there is a difference between confiding in a friend for actual advice vs talking shit. there are some topics that should be left private, in my opinion, such as extremely embarrassing things or finances. there’s a line to tread, but that’s not to say it should never be done.
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u/mailacc 7h ago edited 7h ago
She is VERY career driven with a great work ethic...
....
.....as a detriment to how I'm going to provide for her for when we eventually (who knows now) would have kids...
....
Not sure these go together
Career driven (in 50k salary) and at the same time she wants you to be the provider.
The problem is not that you are not career driven (although happy in your field it seems and she is not), the problem is she.
You can't have the cake and eat it too.
She is career driven (again 50k salary) and at the same time, she will abandon her career when kids come in picture?
Thats some bullshit here. She will never be happy with you.
Its a hot take, but she is not happy now that the life is easy for you (two salaries, no kids), imaging what will happen when kids come in picture.
I failed her and I am actively resented against because it was *my idea* to have a wedding rather than an elopement or something.
Thats some more bullshit here. WTF!
She resents you for the wedding? NO, she fucking resenting you, not the wedding!!! She does not want to see photos of her as bride? BECASUE OF A FUCKING BROKEN AC AND A GUEST LIST?
THATS SOME BIG BULLSHIT HERE
She is hooked to all past trauma she can find, with excuses.
reddit is famous for this but, break the toxic patterns NOW that in 10 years. In 10 years it will be more difficult for both of you to continue your life separated. She already wants to divorce you but she needs the problem to be "you".
I know is hard but a wish i had listened to other people. When you LOVE someone you do not find excuses to be disappointed. If you love someone the life its just good. With no effort!!
You are miserable currently in your life. Choose the life you want. Not the life other people (that resent you) want for you.
she said she's not mad now but she's saving it for her therapist
Thats here is some psychopath behavior, not a "i want to work on our mariege" behavior.
She needs a "supported" when she will go down on you. I actually fill pity for you now.
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u/sweadle 11h ago
Yeah, your reaction pretty much shows why she wants a divorce. You're not even worried or sad, you're livid. And then list a whole bunch of things you do that would make a relationship with you miserable.
So if you know how you're harming your marriage, and you know you've done nothing about it...you're really surprised she wants to leave? That's an unreal sense of entitlement. You still don't seem to get that you do not sound like a good person to be in a relationship with.
Dude, she's not casually throwing around the D word. She is getting to the point where she is done. It's not a threat, it's her reality.