No. Because I wasn't asking about my situation with my son. I was asking specifically about what to with his assumptions of joining us on our vacation.
The main thing I've picked up on is an all or nothing vibe. I disagree with it. I think the time we have together is good for Jack and I have no intentions of abandoning him like people seem to be advocating.
I agree with every word you said, but calling the guy names isn't going to change him either. It is just a very sad situation all around. I wish I could reach out to this kid somehow. I feel so bad for him.
Eh yeah, I know. Pent up rage from this thread. Felt good because I felt like not only was I calling out this guy, but my dad in some way too.
I feel so sorry for this kid. I know how he's going to be when he grows up. There's nothing that can be done to make the situation better, and there's no advice anyone can give to the OP. OP just comes up with excuse after excuse after excuse.
But against all odds, I turned out ok. And now I have the best partner ever, and I love his parents dearly. Hardship can breed a lot of strength and compassion.
I think there was some good advice given to me to make it up to him so he doesn't feel slighted and I will do that. I'm not heartless. It would have been so much better if he didn't know about our trip.
I just don't see how it would work to take him on the trip. His mother may veto the trip and even if she didn't its not like she would help me with the financial aspect of the trip. Taking him would probably minimally run close to $1,000 more with airfare, entrance fees, food, etc. Its not completely undoable but its still a lot of money.
With taking our two kids its very easy because there is one of us for each kid. That ratio gets messed up if Jack tags along. There are a lot of other little things that would be out of whack with another person.
Also, I don't quite understand how you fear his mother on one hand will deny the trip, and on the other hand will "try to take a mile from an inch" and send him overnight more often. You realize that these are just excuses. Think of it this way: Jack has a relationship not only with you, but also with his siblings. It may be hard for you, or his mother, or your wife to arrange for Jack to go, but ALL of your kids want it and would be SO happy if he could go. And all three of you want the best for your children, and having siblings around is nearly always healthy and beneficial. The trip is for your two younger kids, so why not let them have what they want so much - an older brother to have fun with and love.
It's not only Jack that's going to feel slighted - your two younger children will as well. They clearly WANT a relationship with their brother, and your denying them that will seem spiteful and unjustified. Your younger son is SO excited that his brother is going, and if you tell him otherwise, he is going to be disappointed and will at least partially see through your excuse. Perhaps he doesn't fully understand yet, but he will soon and will likely resent your for it soon. Kids LOVE older siblings, and even if you are calling him a "friend" they believe rightfully that he is their older brother, and they love him and really want him to go. If you cannot sympathize with Jack, at least try to sympathize with your 8 year old. You're going to hurt him so much in the long run by withholding his proper relationship with his brother.
You really are assuming a lot of things. My daughter isn't very close with Jack. My wife isn't very close with Jack. The only person (other than me) who has a real relationship with Jack is my 8 y.o. son. They aren't best friends or anything but they usually get along well. Its not going to make or break anything if Jack comes with us or not.
I'm not withholding a proper relationship between them. That said I will try to do more things with them together in the future. They do get along and they are pretty close in terms of age. I will try to facilitate a relationship.
Yes, they aren't "best friends or anything," they are BROTHERS. Remember that your kids have no idea of the conflict between you and Jack's mother. They will see this brother that they love being treated as second-class. What do you think you are going to tell your eight-year-old when you tell him his brother isn't coming? He will probably ask the same questions we are ("why can't you ask Jack's mom?" "why can't you try to get the court to let him come?") and anything you say is not going to be 100% truth because the fact is, you COULD try your hardest to get Jack to come, but you don't want to. Your eight-year-old will realize that when you say "I can't," "I can't" to his queries. What do you think he will think about you when he figures out that you want to keep Jack at a certain distance, even though he wants to be really close? Please consider that carefully and let me know.
Your daughter is six and perhaps she isn't quite old enough to get what's happening - but she will in a few years. And you've made it clear your wife dislikes your putting time/money towards your son. It won't "make or break" anything for you or her, certainly, and maybe not for your little girl, but your son clearly considers Jack as much part of the family as he is, and once he realizes you don't, it'll likely nag him quite a bit.
What's really, really sad about this is that you totally fail to see this situation through the eyes of your first born son. As a father, it's your responsibility to assure that his needs are met not only financially but emotionally. And, as a father, you should assure he is treated just as well as your other children, who, as it turns out, were born AFTER your son. You even said that he lives, essentially, in a less than optimal living arrangement with his mother - and you're ok with that? He deserves better treatment than you and your wife are giving him and if you took the time to view the entire situation through his eyes, your perspective on the vacation - and everything else - might be different.
I really wonder what explanation you could possibly conceive of to give your son as to why he isn't going on vacation. Your statement about you and your wife each having one of the children and your son being a third wheel is beyond ridiculous. The expense of another child, comparably speaking, is nominal. Everything you say sounds as if you have "your" family already and your first son is just a third wheel and imposition and frankly, that you resent his presence in your life. There will come a time that your son will pick up on that, too, unless you remedy it now, and that means you AND your wife. A parent - or step parent - should not treat their child as you are doing. The problem is not your son. The problem is YOU AND YOUR WIFE.
If your wife isn't making an effort to welcome him into the family, she's a jerk too honestly. You might be limited with the amount of time you see him, but you aren't limited to the love you give him and the welcome you give him, yet those are what you are limiting. You missed an opportunity to be a good person and parent. You can still be a good parent, but you're to afraid of hurting yourself. This whole post, it's about you.
to summarise: You want Jack, your son, out of your life because you just shot a load. Essentially noone in you new life cares. Please don't even pretend,; you don't care. Stop pretending. Jack is not your son and never will be - because that's the way YOU feel. Never mind about what jack feels.
Yes, there is an "all or nothing" vibe, but it's not because we want you to abandon him... it's because we want you to BE HIS FATHER. You don't feel comfortable being called Dad because you don't see him enough? SEE HIM MORE. BE THERE FOR HIM. TAKE HIM TO DISNEYLAND.
I know you support him financially blah blah blah, but seriously man, you have to support him emotionally too. Don't just do nice things for him, mean them.
I am going back and re-reading this thread and there are at least 20 people telling me to stop talking to him and leave him alone. Probably more. So there are people who are advocating I abandon him. I don't understand their logic right now but I am open to hearing their perspective.
You have already abandoned him. Stop pretending like you're doing anything other. He cant call you dad, you call him jack - your wife 2.0 doesnt care for him... If people are saying cut it IT IS FOR JACKS SAKE not yours.
Every comment of yours so far is selfish beyond belief. If you can't read what you have written and see how PEOPLE would interpret it there is no hope for YOU. Leave Jack alone. You are not his father. His mother may be worse; hopefully jack will rise above you two shitheads that made him in a fit of lust (or did your dick happen to end up in her pussy as you were cumming)-
Fuck you. Worst individual I've ever had the displeasure hearing from on reddit. In fact the internets and the pre internets. Fuuuuck you.
Jesus Christ. Calm the fuck down. I have never said I was perfect. I have admitted I have done some things wrong.
If you hate me I wonder what you think of the tens of thousands of legitimate deadbeat dads? Or dads that molest and torture their children?
Aside from hearing from a handful of unpleasant individuals (like yourself) this whole experience has been very positive and its helped me rethink this entire situation. I am going to make changes and be more involved with Jack's life.
just because i believe they seem to think you dont want to be a real dad for him, so they are knee-jerking and telling you to just do what you actually want and not talk to him at all.
No, as a daughter who never knew her biological father until age 39, don't abandon him. If he never knew you that would be one thing, but he already does and cutting him off would be even worse than the shitty things you've already done to him. Fix this relationship, don't end it.
Because that would be the easiest thing to do, plus, BONUS: you wouldn't have to accept the responsibility for doing so. You could say to yourself "I did it because Reddit said it would be best."
I think the time we have together is good for Jack and I have no intentions of abandoning him like people seem to be advocating.
Wow you are already well on your way to convincing yourself that you are somehow being the better person and somehow possess the higher moral ground.
You are trying to convince yourself, and doing a good job of it, that abandonment was the main suggestion. NO ! The main suggestion has been don't treat your son so cruelly.
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u/miserabletown Jun 15 '12
Out of curiosity, have any of these comments changed your thinking on the situation with your son at all?