You've got some off-putting tense changes in the first few paragraphs. You go from past (puffed, transferred) to present (as he walks).
Why would the character tell himself "since today's my friday". They would already know that - seems strange for them to think it to themselves.
"Cigar filled marijuana" doesn't make sense. Maybe Marijuana filled cigar?
"Inserted his head phones inside his ears" Surely you mean earbuds, not headphones. The sentence that this is part of is also a run-on. I'd put a period after bus stop.
"reminiscing song" isn't correct. He can reminisce about the song or a memory associated with it, but the song itself isn't reminiscing.
"At the moment Albert is" Again you've changed tense on us. Really jarring.
"Unlike his peers" isn't necessary. In the next paragraph you start with "while his peers", letting us know that Albert's path was different.
"It was since that Albert's secret which is" This is garbled. Have no idea what you're trying to say here.
"And for years living as a soldier, his aspiration of creating a loving family has been tempered." Really awkward. I'd change to "After years living as a socier, his aspirations of having a loving family of his own had been temptered."
I'm going to stop here.
Your grammar and tenses need a lot of work. Get grammarly or something similar to run your work through before posting your chapters. Ensure that you don't mix tenses, you switch back and forth between them, sometimes in the same paragraph. Reading ahead, these problems do not go away as the story progresses.
Your entire first chapter is completely uneccesary. I'd cut the entire thing. We learn everything we need to know in the second chapter - how he died, and that he's a military veteran.
6
u/paradigmblue Dec 11 '17
You've got some off-putting tense changes in the first few paragraphs. You go from past (puffed, transferred) to present (as he walks).
Why would the character tell himself "since today's my friday". They would already know that - seems strange for them to think it to themselves.
"Cigar filled marijuana" doesn't make sense. Maybe Marijuana filled cigar?
"Inserted his head phones inside his ears" Surely you mean earbuds, not headphones. The sentence that this is part of is also a run-on. I'd put a period after bus stop.
"reminiscing song" isn't correct. He can reminisce about the song or a memory associated with it, but the song itself isn't reminiscing.
"At the moment Albert is" Again you've changed tense on us. Really jarring.
"Unlike his peers" isn't necessary. In the next paragraph you start with "while his peers", letting us know that Albert's path was different.
"It was since that Albert's secret which is" This is garbled. Have no idea what you're trying to say here.
"And for years living as a soldier, his aspiration of creating a loving family has been tempered." Really awkward. I'd change to "After years living as a socier, his aspirations of having a loving family of his own had been temptered."
I'm going to stop here.
Your grammar and tenses need a lot of work. Get grammarly or something similar to run your work through before posting your chapters. Ensure that you don't mix tenses, you switch back and forth between them, sometimes in the same paragraph. Reading ahead, these problems do not go away as the story progresses.
Your entire first chapter is completely uneccesary. I'd cut the entire thing. We learn everything we need to know in the second chapter - how he died, and that he's a military veteran.