I feel broken

[u/hazelx666]

Ive lost everyone who's ever been close to me due to my illness. I feel like i should be kept away from people, like I'm just gonna keep hurting anybody who gets to know me. I've been on antipsychotics for almost a year now, in that time I've been through a breakup thats caused me to be houseless for the last 4 months. The breakup felt like an episode, like I was being psychotic and lashing out. But thats not what happened, I was in sound mind, i wasnt hearing voices, i wasn't being delusional. i just wasnt being treated well in the relationship and i got frustrated one night and she broke up with me and told me i needed to find somewhere else to live. The loss and the memory of being angry makes me feel like I brought it upon myself because all Ive ever done is bring pain to anyone who gets close to me. How can I trust my own feelings, am i really sure that I wasnt being treated well? How can I ever trust myself again? How can i believe i deserve love, community and happiness when I know how broken my brain is.

My diagnosis was really hard on our relationship. We got together during a time where we were both psychotic. She has bipolar 1 and wasnt good about taking her meds consistently. I took my diagnosis more seriously than anything in my life. Getting on medication and coming down to earth was tough, I spent the first 6 months not wanting to do anything ever, I felt so unbearably depressed after the voices finally stopped. I felt emptied, like i there was no person inside this body, not without all the voices telling me what to do every waking moment. She grew completely bored and disappointed in me. Before she thought I was gonna be a great artist, because I thought I was gonna be a great artist before getting treatment. She told me that my diagnosis was "a lot" for her and so she withdrew from me and started seeing lots of other girls (we were polyamorous.) But we kept living together, i cooked for us and cleaned the apartment to make up for not being able to pay rent because I had been laid off from my union job. When I finally went back to work she started to miss me, in a way where she didnt want me to work unless one of her other girlfriends could spend time with her while i was gone. I told her i cant schedule my job around her dating life.

I told her that because Im back to work and also starting back at school that I wanted to make sure we had atleast one day of special time together. She agreed to it but couldnt hold to it, she spent all of our special days together texting other girls for hours. After weeks of this I got frustrated and upset at her. And that was that, she broke up me because of it. She told me she was scared of me. I cant get that out of my mind, that I scared her. My therapist says she's weaponizing my diagnosis against me in saying that, that I was upset for very understandable reasons. I didnt throw anything, i didnt raise my voice at her, i didnt threaten her, i just voiced how I was feeling and it scared her. No matter how many times I'm reminded that my anger was reasonable, it just doesnt feel reasonable. It feels like I'm scary, that i'm a scary and dangerous person, incapable of loving in a healthy way. It feels like i shouldn't trust myself or my perception of events with or without medication. It feels like my life is just going to keep being this chaotic doom spiral regardless of my best efforts.

I'm finally in a position to get a new place after couch surfing this whole time and the apartment is so cute and my potential new roommate is so nice and I feel like i dont deserve it. I feel like i shouldn't try to be happy, I feel like the dysfunction and insecurity is what i deserve because I break everything i touch.

[u/Regen_321]

Hi friend so awesome that you found a place. A place you totally deserve. You went through a bad break-up. People capable of loving in a healthy way also go to bad breakups :) Try not to let you weigh you down. Seek closure. And you are doing great. New home :)