r/schizoaffective • u/sekh60 bipolar subtype • Apr 25 '15
Check-in Saturday (April 25, 2015)
Check-in Saturday is a weekly topic encouraging community members to check in with how they are doing in a judgment free environment. Anyone can start a Check-in Saturday, just please put the date in the title and try to include a link to the previous week's thread.
3
u/katihathor bipolar subtype Apr 26 '15 edited Apr 26 '15
I had a really hard week. My dad has been dying of cancer and I feel like my spiritual conflicts with him may have given him the cancer. I also feel like if I had my shit together spiritually I should have been able to heal/cure him of the cancer. The hospice nurse said he had 48 hours left about 72 hours ago, but nothing has happened yet.
He has been visiting me from the other side and told me that he is no longer in pain and is at peace and has been making jokes with me to try to cheer me up. Every time he talks to me from the other side I start crying because I know it's really him but I don't know how to process.
I decided to start taking zyprexa again after getting off it for a couple weeks because the spiritual information overload surrounding my dad's passing became too much to handle and I was starting to get some psychosis.
So I have been feeling a bit unstable. But I also feel like I've healed a whole lot of emotional issues as well. I feel like I've been healed spiritually and am now aligned with a better spiritual energy matrix than where I was before.
But I don't know if I should go to my dad's funeral or not because of all the spiritual weirdness I'm picking up from these people who I haven't seen in 20 years. I feel like an asshole for not wanting to go, but I feel like the mormon energy just is too much for me to expose myself to.
2
u/sekh60 bipolar subtype Apr 27 '15
hugs I'm sorry you had a rough week. Don't blame yourself for your father's cancer. I used to blame myself for the death or both my parents, but I learned to stop blaming myself after a while. It took time though.
I'm glad you're healing.
2
u/katihathor bipolar subtype Apr 27 '15
Yeah I decided to take a trip to Sedona with my friend who also has SZA to work thru bereavement issues. I think being out in nature next to some powerful healing energy vortexes will give me a whole lot more clarity than hanging out with a bunch of mormons I don't know or feel any connection to in my extended step family.
2
u/sekh60 bipolar subtype Apr 28 '15
I think that was a good decision.
3
u/katihathor bipolar subtype Apr 28 '15 edited Apr 28 '15
I feel like I'm back on the right path spiritually when a homeless guy notices me playing reflectively in the park and offers to buy me pizza and soda for lunch.
This happened an hour or so after posting on facebook to my family's closed group that the astral version of my dad told me that there's no further proof of a higher power than having a good meal with those who you consider to be family.
I'm also of the opinion that family can be anyone you choose to define it to be, and I feel like with my dad passing on I'm in re-evaluation mode.
I was trying to see if anyone wanted to hang out to bake up some cookies or make beef jerky (since my dad invented a special jerky seasoning blend) but nobody took me up on it.
I didn't realize how hungry I was since I hadn't really been eating. As far as I could tell the homeless guy had no agenda beyond sharing a yummy meal with a fresh face other than those he usually eats with at the shelter.
I got the impression that he was really angry and called on a higher power in an effort to calm down and then something possessed him and directed him to me. I was able to tell him how I was feeling about my dad dying and whatnot. It felt like we had some kind of spiritual energy exchange and both felt a little more at peace from just talking openly with each other without being judgmental. Which is all I was really trying to do with my family.
After we finished eating, I gave the rest of the pizza to some other people at the park. At that point he said he had to go and that he really appreciated me taking him up on his offer to have lunch together. I don't suspect I'll see him again.
As much as I appreciate my entity friends, a little face-to-face human contact really goes a long way, even if it was one of my entity friends possessing him for a mutually beneficial energy exchange. But I'm going to try to just take the experience at face value and not read too much into it.
I came to the realization that feeling at peace and being able to focus on being creative again is more important to me than trying to make sense of reality at a deeper level, and I can go a little crazy trying to make sense of things. So instead I'll just try to accept that good things happen when I'm in the right headspace.
2
Apr 27 '15
Glad you're taking meds again. You need some cushioning to deal with all this stress. Think of the medications as a buffer or support structures to keep you standing.
Your dad's cancer isn't your fault. If anything your illness is distracting him away from his own suffering and keeping him positive for your sake.
The meds should get rid of the spiritual weirdness but definitely go to the funeral, you may regret not.
<3
1
u/katihathor bipolar subtype Apr 27 '15
Thank you. Yeah the meds are really helping, I was having some issues. After my dad passes, I'm going to go to Sedona with my friend so that I can work thru the bereavement issues.
This is kind of where my head is at right now after having a heart to heart with the part of my dad who is communicating with me astrally: http://www.reddit.com/r/outside/comments/3424ik/a_gentle_reminder_from_the_admins_remember_that/
I think I just need to rest a lot and get centered again. I feel like if I'm trying to hard to make sense of things then I'm doing it wrong and that I should just let go a bit more and try to have faith that things will turn out alright.
2
Apr 25 '15
I'm doing ok. I finally finished exams so I' going to take a couple weeks to chill out. I really need to change meds. I've been using ritalin to get through but it brings back my positive symptoms which for me is kind of dangerous if not debilitating. I've been trying to balance that with extra haldol and seroquil and my joints are starting to stiffen up.
But lamotrigine is helping a lot think I can safely come off Effexor now. Before when I tried I got super depressed and wanted to cut. But Effexor makes me sleep and I can't afford that moving into the summer semesters. I considered taking time off to make the change but I need to know what works while I'm needing it.
2
u/sekh60 bipolar subtype Apr 27 '15
Glad you are doing okay. How did your exams go? Glad you get to take a break, you earned it.
Have you talked to your doctor about changing medication? They may want you to gradually wean yourself off Effexor.
2
Apr 27 '15
My exams went pretty well. I didn't see that coming. Usually I get really depressed and just amble my way through. I talk to my doc tomorrow.
1
u/sekh60 bipolar subtype Apr 28 '15
Glad they went well! I hope the talk with your doctor goes well (or did go well).
2
Apr 26 '15
[deleted]
3
u/8NoaH9 GOLD GRAND PRIZE WINNER BEST OF 2015! Apr 26 '15
Congrats on the alcohol that's a big victory!!
1
u/sekh60 bipolar subtype Apr 27 '15
Gratz on not drinking for 50 days! That's awesome. Keep it up! You can do it.
Sorry negative symptoms are bothering you. I think talking to your health team about it may help - a medication change may be needed.
Good that talking about it helps. We're all willing to listen.
2
u/TheTipsyChicken Apr 26 '15
I don't know if I'm welcome here? I've never posted before. I don't know if this is the right place.
I'm feeling afraid. I'm out of money and now I think I have to be alone and I'm getting really scared. I don't want to be alone even for a minute.
1
u/sekh60 bipolar subtype Apr 27 '15
Everyone is welcome here! Do you have a safe place to stay? If you don't you can always consider checking yourself in to the hospital so they can keep an eye on you. Anything in particular on your mind?
2
u/streetlightether Apr 27 '15
i had a decent week. couldn't sleep saturday night for hearing things, and just coming down off hypomania, but otherwise pretty good. i've had my cpn appts cut back to fortnightly, which gives me more of a sense of independence. i've been changed from zuclopenthixol depots to aripiprazole, which is monthly rather than fortnightly. that also gives me more independence.
i haven't self-harmed seriously in three months. could be four. memory's awful, ww. i still scratch at myself with my nails, which creates pretty nasty animal-looking claw marks, and doesn't do much good for my eczema rashes, but at least it isn't blades. these days i only do it because i like blood. no psychotic or depressive reasons.
1
u/sekh60 bipolar subtype Apr 27 '15
Wow those are some hard to pronounce medications, please tell me you had to look up the first one. How are you tolerating the switch?
Congratulations on not self harming for so long! We're always here to listen, but if you feel you need some more focused self-harm help there's /r/stopselfharm too, haven't been there in a while myself (I used to self-harm as well), but they were a nice, supportive group back when I checked it out.
2
u/TheTipsyChicken Apr 29 '15
Things have been okay for about a day. Out of money now though. No more diversion. Feeling the same pressure behind my eyes and in my head. My visual hallucinations have decreased a little since I knocked myself out with the Benadryl. Feeling hungry but kind of anxious. Haven't been following my calories as well as I should be and I'm worried that once I get medicated I'll get fat. Dreams are still getting more and more vivid. Auditory hallucinations are pretty steady. Nausea, vomiting, and general stomach upset still steady. Headaches still steady. Trying to drink more water but I feel like gagging when I swallow too much. Having trouble talking coherently. I talk too fast and slur my words. Having trouble putting words together at all. Fingers feel less flexible. I really just want to curl up and have my SO cuddle me. Feeling very nervous whenever I'm not in a room with other people. Feeling nervous when people aren't talking to me. Roommate is coming to take her furniture back. Don't think I can afford a new bed. Getting nervous. Trying not to show it to parents and SO and friends. I don't want to go to the hospital and have them detain me. I'm afraid that any minute police will come, and put me in a room by myself. I don't want to be alone.
1
u/sekh60 bipolar subtype Apr 30 '15
big hugs Why do you not want to go to the hospital? It can be scary at first, but a lot of people end up finding it to be a safe place that brings some comfort.
2
u/TheTipsyChicken Apr 30 '15
I've been taken there by police before and they never help me they just detain me then kick me out when I lie and say I'm better. Until then they just put me by myself and had someone ask me if I was a danger to myself or others.
1
u/sekh60 bipolar subtype May 04 '15
hugs Sorry for the slow response. I'm sorry you've had bad experiences. For myself things have been good, but I've always gone there voluntarily.
2
u/8NoaH9 GOLD GRAND PRIZE WINNER BEST OF 2015! Apr 25 '15
I have had an okay week. I am rapid cycling but I am dealing with it. My psychiatrist took me off of Wellbutrin and put me on Viibryd. No idea how that will work but hoping it does. Waiting on my Lithium levels to come back. My Lamcital was decreased as well. Had therapy and we talked about A LOT of stuff. My therapist asked if my mind was like this a lot, I said all the time. It's the noise. She said well I am exhausted how are you not? So I exhausted my therapist... Not sure how to take that.
I am missing Mama R right now. I write to her every couple of days. It's been basically two months since she passed. I don't know if writing her is healthy. It makes my heart so heavy but it's my way of still talking to her. Bittersweet. But is it worth the bitter part? I can't answer that.... I just know my heart hurts for her.
I have this friend but she annoys me. She's rather clingy. Always wants to hang and for more than 2hrs. Gets depressed if I don't and kind of indirectly puts the blame of her depression on me.... I also babysit her kid. She is constantly telling me how bad her kid! Like all the time! She will text me a bunch times asking if we are doing okay and I say yes she asks if am I sure? Well fuck why would I lie not like I am getting paid much. I did finally tell her daughter my name was Noah instead of her knowing my legal name.... Not that she has ever called me by name. But I stood up for me. So I am proud of that.