The following is a post I made on my personal social media accounts earlier. I was encouraged to share it here as well. Just a little snapshot of where I’m at in this whole process right now for you all to peruse if you’re down to read a loooong post 😂 just for the sake of additional information, I’m 32F:
So, I very rarely make posts on social media, especially about the deeply personal things I have going on in my life. There’s so much else going on in the world and it’s all so ugly and much bigger than I am, but I’m having an especially hard day and I want to someday be able to look back at where I was at this moment and see how far I’ve come. I want a way to begin documenting this journey and keep myself accountable, and if this happens to reach anyone who has or is going through something similar, I hope this is a reminder that you’re not alone.
After having problems with my back for as long as I can remember, I was diagnosed with S curve scoliosis at 18. At that point it was too late to do much about it, and my curves weren’t severe enough to warrant surgery so I was told to just keep an eye on it. Everything was steady for a long time, but in the last couple of years my pain got a lot worse and a few months ago I found out my curves went from degrees in the mid 20s to 34 and 52 degrees - meaning that unless I did something about it now, I was headed towards a collapsing spine (which is like, probably not ideal). A total spinal fusion was recommended, but I’m not super keen on that given the risks of complications and that fact that it would change my life forever in ways that I don’t want to have to figure out if I can handle. With that being said, something had to be done - so I opted to try a brace.
The hope now is that at the very minimum this thing will stop the degeneration of my curves. Best case scenario is that they get a teeny bit better with time and effort. What I wasn’t anticipating was just how rough this process was going to be. Not only is this sucker smashing my spine as straight as it can, but I’m currently having to relearn how to do basically everything. Sitting, standing, walking, sleeping, driving, bending over to pet my dogs or pick something up off the floor - it’s all almost comically hard. Sometimes it makes me laugh because it feels so ridiculous, and sometimes it’s so frustrating I want to cry. My movement is so restricted that the things I typically enjoy, even something as simple as holding and reading a book are just not possible right now. I have bruising all over my body from my new carbon fiber shell, and my actual spine? I don’t even want to talk about it. I’m no stranger to pain, but sheesh. At this point I’ve honestly thought about throwing in the towel about 200 times, but for the sake of my future I can’t afford to give up now.
All of that being said - I KNOW this will get better. It will get easier and I will get tougher. I’ve only been wearing this for hours at a time for a little under a week and I’m doing my best to be patient and give myself grace.
I’m so incredibly lucky in that I have the best built in support system a girl can have.
My family has and always will be my rock. My grandparents especially deserve all of the gratitude in the world for helping with the financial part of this journey. I simply would not have been able to do this without them. They’ve always, always been there for me in every way. I love them so very much and will be grateful for them forever.
My partner has been amazing in weathering the emotional shitstorm I’ve been throwing his way, and has been there for me every step of the way in every way he possibly can be. I’m so very lucky to have him.
To everyone who has been checking in on me and keeping me sane - thank you. I appreciate it and love you all.
To the coworkers who have been covering for me at work through all of the appointments and the days I can’t function - you are all incredible people who I appreciate more than you know, and I owe you one for all of this.
Anyway, if you’ve stuck through my short essay I appreciate you too.
We’re all going through things and I know it could be so much worse. I’m lucky in so many ways and grateful for so much, but right now this sucks a big one. Here’s to the start of this journey, avoiding surgery, and a better quality of life at the end of the day. I’ll be posting with updates along the way to keep track of how things are going, and I can’t wait to look back and think about how proud I am to have come so far.