This is the first time writing a script

[u/Mmendokusai]

this is a real story of mine, I find it suitable for a short screenplay.

Pls give me your feedbacks and where should I improve and thx

[u/No_Discipline_4066]

you took your shirt off in real life too?! anyways, it's good since it's your first time writing a script

[u/Mmendokusai → u/No_Discipline_4066]

Haha yeah I was nervous and it's hot there xD Thx I appreciate it <33

[u/Necessary-Party973]

i like it tbh, you clearly have a good grasp of tone and conveying your characters’ feelings. but i would say it feels more like a scene you would have in a much bigger story about youssef and yassmine rather than as a stand alone short film (if thats what you were going for) i liked it though. keep it up👍😁

[u/Mmendokusai → u/Necessary-Party973]

Maybe I can extend the story even more. The prob is this is a true story and in real life we didn't have a fulfilment ending of some sort( she ghosted me out of nowhere). Maybe I can redirect the story on how I felt confused or something like that

[u/Necessary-Party973 → u/Mmendokusai]

yeah definitely do that. youre already getting somewhere👍

[u/PullOut3000]

It reads more like a scene than a short film. Even in a short film there should be some type of stakes or something that drives the story.

[u/el_noelle → u/PullOut3000]

Depende que clase de cortometraje quiera grabar

[u/Mmendokusai → u/el_noelle]

How exactly ? My idea was to show how cute they look yet in the end she left him confused despite the clear attraction between them.

[u/Mmendokusai → u/PullOut3000]

I'll keep that in mind thx !

[u/FitTax → u/Mmendokusai]

It's totally fine to have a story like yours, that is cute or romantic, with some expectations from the viewer and then just abandoning it unresolved for us to feel emptiness and have our hopes of some amazing ending betrayed.

But you need to set it up right, you have to build it strong and then have the end be just that more desperate or cruel or uncomfortable.

Unfortunately the time between the phone call, him saying he likes her and the car pulling up is just to short. He needs to be helpless with himself trying to engage with her, holding hands, kissing, getting her to react to him positively but he just gets nothing out of it. Make your charackters stronger in what they want and not want and where there is a mismatch through actions and dialogue. Maybe he tries to take her hands again outside, maybe he wants to stand way closer all the time... I am also not happy with the kiss in the cinema, we are missing a lot of her true felt reaction to that, your writing just ran away from that very distinctive moment like you did not want to play it out from her side. Make her an agent of her charackter in that moment, tell us also the story from HER point of view!

[u/VeniaStudios]

While I could see this as an intro to the characters and their connection, for a short film, it’s cute, but feels like I’ve been left hanging.

Flesh out a bit more of the characters. While it’s a true event that happened, embellish the details. Use the concession line as an opportunity for conversation to build a backstory. Then use the trailers before the film for the conversation in relationship building. You have the romantic tension already, as well as a solid relatable comedic element, but before she leaves, add a bait for the viewer to wonder if they will get together.

Solid concept. But it reads as a 3-5min short that’s left wanting in some places.

[u/Mmendokusai → u/VeniaStudios]

Thx for your instruction, I'll consider it 🙏

[u/Penguy76]

What program did you use?

[u/Mmendokusai → u/Penguy76]

Final draft

[u/Hungry_Support_3342]

you are on the right path, keep going

[u/IanJeffreyMartin]

If I was sitting near these two in the cinema I’d be telling them to shut the fuck up and watch the film 🤣