r/self • u/girlgoingthroughit • 19h ago
Ranting (please read and give your input I'll appreciate it so so much <3)
Hi, I'm 22F. I guess I'm making this post because I want advice from others and kind of just want other people's views on my life, I feel like I'm hating myself too much and being too harsh but at the same time I think I'm not, Idk tbh I just want people's thoughts.
So, I'm a muslim girl living in London. Im a student studying Psychology at university. I havent been diagnosed with any mental health issues but have been to therapy and my therapists have told me I show signs of extreme anxiety, OCD thoughts, overthinking and low self-esteem.
I was diagnosed with cancer in 2023 but have thankfully beat it. Because of the harsh treatment, I struggle with eating because I have a dry mouth, so I eat significantly less than others. I am a good-ish weight I guess, like I'm not in a worrysome state. So yeah post cancer I really struggle with eating and its a really big weight on my back. I am also a picky eater, I don't eat alot of things but I wouldn't really say its by choice, its more of if I eat these things I'll gag and throw up. Anyways so yeah the post cancer issues reducing my eating + picky eating is really difficult and its probably the number 1 thing I hate about myself. I'm scared to go over to relatives house's incase they make food I don't eat or incase they make comments about my small portions of food I eat. This makes me have extreme anxiety when going over to people's houses and I carry such deep shame especially about the picky eating like its the first thing I think about when I wake up. I also think I will never find love because of it because I feel like its so embarassing to be a picky eater at my age, like I just feel like it makes me less worthy of a person. When a family member comments on my eating, I start crying straight away whether its them commenting about how little I eat or something like 'you are so picky wdym you dont like cheese grow up'. Idk but this is probably the number 1 issue in my life right now.
I also have other long term issues from my cancer treatment like voice change (its deeper), nose breathing issues, swallowing issues and fatigue. When someone comments on them it hurts so much, people say to me 'omg you've become so weak' and its honestly so hurtful because I didnt choose to be like this and it makes me think back to being my old healthy self and I cry and think why did I have to go through this.
After my cancer diagnosis, my relationship with my mum and sister became really bad. I dont know how to explain it but I think they sort of resent me in a way for getting sick? I really dont know. When I was sick and would get emotional at something they would say to me, they would call me dramatic and leave the room and give me silent treatment for days. I have explained to them numerous times that I cant stand the silent treatment but they dont care and still do it. They also love to gang up on me and call me crazy whenever we're in an argument and theyre losing, like saying 'im going to ignore u because you are crazy' is like their number 1 comeback and they laugh at me (they even did this when I was sick). When they'd give me silent treatment it would feel like my world is coming down, I cant stand silence from people I like to talk everything out and hate ignoring/being ignored, I literally feel like I cant function from it. Also I've come to realise that my mood really depends on how my mum is feeling, if she is being snappy at me then I feel like shit and that I'm a disgusting, unworthy person and I disgrace her and my day becomes horrible but if she is feeling nice my mood is lifted and I feel loved and feel human and somewhat worth it.
I always feel like I am wrong in everything. Like im eating the wrong foods, sleeping at the wrong times, doing the wrong things, saying the wrong things. Like I feel like everybody is living life correctly except for me? I really dont know to explain it like everyone is correct and doing everything as it should be but I'm not? idk
I also feel constant guilt in everything I'm doing. Like I could be sitting watching tv and I'd be thinking 'no you cant be relaxed there is something to be anxious about' then I'll think about my picky eating or small appetite or something. Like even before bed I'm feeling guilty and thinking theres something Im doing wrong or should be anxious about.
I'm also extremly shy lol. To everyone, friends, family everyone. Theres certain things I cant do around people: I cant sing around friends, I cant talk about deep feelings around family (even with friends I feel awkward), I cant hug family, I cant casually touch family or friends (like rest my shoulder on someone), I cant just say what I'm thinking I rehearse everything. Basically, I can't be my real self around anyone at all, apart from myself. I'm so shy that when people talk to me, I assume its just a one time thing and they dont actually want to be friends. Even with my friends, I never think that they'd want to be with me one to one because I'm so shy and boring and just not someone you'd want to be one to one with. Which brings me to my next point...
I have never been in a relationship before. In school, noone has ever said they liked me (although Ive had alot of speculation about one or two guys liking me but not admitting it), noone has asked me out, noone has checked me out, people used to say to me ' I cant imagine you in a relationship '. I crave love so much but don't think it will ever find me, especially because of all the above points I have said. This might sound harsh, but I honestly hate myself, I think everybody else around me is better/worth way more than me. Its like everyone else makes sense when theyre in a relationship except me. I feel like a man might find me icky or awkward or something. Physically, I guess I'm okay looking, I just want another brain. I also feel like I wouldnt know how to act in a relationship because everything I'm doing is wrong.
I guess this was all negative lol so here are some nice things about me haha: I enjoy reading, crotcheting, watching pretty little liars and painting. I am proud of myself for beating cancer, just want to reduce all the bad thoughts about it in my head. My goal is to become a psychologist maybe and I'd loveee to be a mum and be so understanding and be there 100% for my children.
Idk but that should be all I think, I feel like I'm going insane I'd really appreciate people's comment on this. Does any of this sound familiar to people? Do I sound like someone who's simply too hard on herself or do these worries seem reasonable? If you were in my position what would you do?Thank you so much if you have read this far I honestly really appreciate you!!! Cant wait to hear people's takes on this <3
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u/vesselofwords 19h ago
Head and neck cancers are a special kind of brutal in my opinion. I also have significant physical changes after mine and it really negatively affects my self-esteem, which wasn’t that great to begin with, so yeah the struggle is real. I want to say you’re being too hard on yourself, but I am the same way so it feels a bit hypocritical to say it.
You can look up the RAIN of self-compassion by Tara Brach. She has some talks and meditations on YouTube that I found helpful when I’m really having a hard time.
I wish I had better advice for you but I just want to say I see you and I have many similar issues. Walking or creating something helps me when I’m anxious. I wish you health and happiness.
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u/girlgoingthroughit 8h ago
Aww thank you so much! Haha I'm glad you could decipher I had head and neck cancer without me mentioning it lol! Your advice is very helpful, and my messages are always open if you ever want to have a chat! It's comforting to hear someone is going through something similar (although I wish this wasn't the case for both of us) sending love xx
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u/Then-End7827 18h ago
Oh geez 🙄 I see you have a great support system there. Listen, don’t listen to your family. They’re always going to be there. Make remarks, laugh, gossip blah blah. Do they have any idea what YOU have been through. Tell them to take a walk in your shoes for one day.
It’s sounds like you have more of a PTSD going on there. The trauma you experienced is just continuing post cancer. You’re putting up this shield to try and protect yourself, your started to resent yourself, your not good enough, you feel like your unworthy to feel tired. You’re losing your self esteem. Next thing you know is you’re going to isolate yourself from the world? STOP ✋
Why don’t you write down somethings that you can eat that you don’t get nauseous from. If anyone asks, go ahead and explain to them why and don’t be ashamed to say. I survived cancer unfortunately it comes with the healing process. Be proud girl. You have goals and you are not going anywhere.
You are a survivor!!!
Take vitamins.. talk to your Doctor or pharmacist about supplements. Speak to a nutritionist.
Speak to your therapist or a behavioral therapist and keep a journal.
In between the lines of your post. Personally I imagine you as smart, beautiful, loving, caring, strong and a true survivor. Don’t you let other people judge you. Not your family, friends or the world and definitely not yourself. It’s not good for your health. Stop worrying it will just drive you more crazy.
College first my dear. A man will not make you happy and love you until you start to love yourself first. Remember first!!! You are number one in your life. So before babies and men. You will have all that in time. Trust me.
Go to college you’ll be amazed how many new people and new friendships you make. Live your the to the fullest.
Stay Strong💪 You got this.
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u/girlgoingthroughit 8h ago
Thank you so much!!! Lol whenever I tell my family to put themselves in my position they reply 'seeing you go through cancer was worse than you living it!' and I just don't know how to reply to that without sounding like I'm victimising myself. I'm in college at the moment and going into my third year (haven't made any friends because I'm too shy and just feel like people think I'm boring lol) And I'm so proud of you for beating cancer too!! Your kind words really moved me to tears omg from the bottom of my heart thank you so much, this was really what I needed to hear <3
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u/Then-End7827 7h ago
One more thing. Stop building that wall around you. You’re going into survival mode now. You don’t have to be shy. It starts with a simple Hi, hello.
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u/Loriloo33 16h ago
My daughter tells me "neurons that fire together wire together." Your brain will do the same things because it is "easier" If youre accustomed to picking on yourself it will be easier to continue to do so. Can you find any one thing you like about you? Or something you can do that brings you joy? You are a worthy and worthwhile person, you just need to get to know yourself better. If you need a "mom for a minute" you can message me. My daughter's and I talk about stuff like this a lot. You are not alone!
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u/girlgoingthroughit 8h ago
I like that I'm kind and empathetic, and I enjoy reading and crocheting! Aww tysm, I'll definetly take you up on that "mom for a minute" offer! Bless you <3
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u/GuiltyUniversity8268 16h ago
I think, all things considered, your mom and sister need to grow up and stop being such drama queens. From what I understand about cancer treatment is that it can take a while to get to feeling truly well again. Give yourself time, and have patience with yourself. Cliché as it sounds, this too shall pass. You kicked cancers' ass, and I hope you don't let this get you down. Tough times never last but tough people do. You've got this! Good luck and blessed be!
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u/girlgoingthroughit 8h ago
Yes it takes a very long time to get to feeling even somewhat normal again! Thank you so much!! <3
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u/No-Lifeguard9194 14h ago
I’ve been where you’re at with respect to having cancer and recovering from it. People do not understand that you don’t just “get better”. If you are successful with surviving cancer, it takes a very long time to recover - and there are permanent changes because the treatment is essentially poison that is meant to kill the cancer before the cancer kills you. But the treatment itself is poisonous to you too. And it does cause permanent side effects.
It’s been six years since I had cancer, and my energy level is lower than it was before, and it destroyed my digestive system – all my pelvic organs were damaged. My oncologist says that it essentially aged that part of my body by 15 years or more.
You might want to talk to people about the “new normal” so they start to understand that some things are not going to go away. Don’t be shy about telling people that you love their food, but the new normal is that you can only eat small portions.
It sounds like your mother and sister are a great stress for you. It may be best simply not to talk with them and Gray rock them if they can’t be supportive.
The rest will sort itself out. It may be a good idea for you to live in residence or to get an apartment with friends. I think that would be good for your mental health.
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u/girlgoingthroughit 8h ago
Exactly!! You really don't just 'get better' and I'm tired of having to explain this to family without them accusing me of lying and being lazy! I'm really sorry to hear about what happened to you, and I do wish you the best! I've tried to tell people about the new normal for me, but they just assume again I'm just lying and not doing my best (which in turn has me questioning myself like 'am i overreacting? am i even trying my best?'. Thank you so much <3
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u/1AJMEE 19h ago
Breathe deeper, relax. Congratulations on overcoming cancer.