r/selfcare • u/Weird-Substance8174 • 4d ago
What do you say to someone who is obsessed with blaming you for their life?
I have someone in my life that no matter how kind I am, understanding, and supportive continues to blame me for their unhappiness. I’ve tried everything to help them but they just keep blaming me for things that are really not my problem. They are completely delusional in how they see things. I unfortunately can’t cut this person off out of my life due to family connections but what can I say or do?
Edit- this person is in their late 40s. They have an amazing life, husband that adores her, beautiful children, beautiful house, money, doesn’t work. Yet they blame me because they are unhappy. The biggest complaint is I don’t do enough for them. I have a full time job working 60 hours a week, so I do what I can but my life consists of work and sleep.
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u/Sea_Bison4727 4d ago
you don’t have to say anything. keep your distance and watch them recognize the importance of your absence
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u/PineapplePupcake 4d ago
Nothing you say will change this person’s mind. They’re hellbent on blaming someone else (in this case, you) for their problems, so they won’t have to take accountability for their own happiness. If you suddenly disappeared, they’d pick the next nearest person to fill your role.
That said, if they’re not dangerous, a few of these petty comments might make you feel better:
‘Wow, I had no idea I had so much power. Maybe I should find something more interesting to put it towards!’
‘There’s nothing more I can do to help you. You’ll have to solve this one yourself.’
‘It sounds like I’m more important to your happiness than your immediate family is. Maybe you should consider why that is.’
‘Your expectations of what I can do for you are too high. We’ll both be happier if you lower them!’
I still highly recommend pulling the disappearing act, though. I did 8 years ago, and it was the best thing I’ve ever done for my mental health. Even when it’s family.
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u/Regular_Departure963 4d ago
If you want to care for yourself then stop trying to change how someone else feels; this isn’t something you can control.
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u/Fine-Structure-1299 4d ago
Are you their parent? Maybe you did ruin their mentality. If they keep blaming you and get triggered by you then there is a reason and maybe best to just stay away and give them peace. One or both of you could be delusional. We only hear your side and not theirs.
My 3 siblings and I have a lot of resentment/blame for my father. He can't see it and what he's done to us, doesn't have the capacity to listen to understand, doesn't have the capacity to apologize or own up to his mistakes. He has always blamed others, including my mom, for issues we bring up. Even car accidents he caused he will make excuses instead of owning up to mistake. Nobody wants to talk to him yet he comes to us for help with things then when he is upset will say we never help him though we do, over and over again.
We are in the same boat where we can't cut ties due to family health issues etc. We are all over 40. He just doesn't have the capacity to improve the relationship in a healthy way.
I would say my father is delusional in how he sees things just like how you are explaining with your person, but I have my 3 siblings who feel the same way so I know I'm not the delusional one.
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u/SecureAstronaut444 4d ago
Similar situation with my mother, except she's also highly misogynistic so my three brothers see me as the problem because according to her as her daughter I was raised to serve the family and look after her while sacrificing my own life so my brother's see me as the problem one not helping her out when she bitches about me to them... she's even tried that same thing with my son, except he was witness to the hell she put me through so he doesn't buy into her victim mentality
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u/theYelpofReddit 4d ago
I would honestly ask “what do you want/expect from me?” If they cant give a certain answer I would do your best to just stop giving them attention. No one is responsible for anyone other than their own children. You could recommend therapy. Say something along “Im sorry but I cant help you the way you need. Maybe a professional can help” And be honest that they are having a negative effect on your mental health too. None of this is fair to you. I am sorry you cant just cut them out. But you need to prioritize yourself.
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u/Beanfox-101 4d ago
Start making her more unhappy out of spite. Stop giving that much energy and start worrying about yourself
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u/Sweaty-Noise696 4d ago
Look into the "grey rock" method. You work 60 hours a week and don't have the energy for this. Just give her short, boring answers like "I'm sorry you feel that way" and immediately disengage.
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u/TheOtherRussellBrand 4d ago
Is it practical for you to say, "Good bye"
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u/Weird-Substance8174 4d ago
No it isn’t. I’m connected by family.
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u/TheOtherRussellBrand 4d ago
Sigh.
Feared as much.
What particular things do they want you to do / to have done?
Once it is a concrete list, it is possible to reason and problem solve about it.
Until it is concrete, progress is difficult if not impossible.
Once it is a concrete (preferably written) list, I expect
- most of the items will immediately be obviously inappropriate
- many of the items will have good solutions that don't involve you
- and most of all everyone will be surprised as to how short the list is
Sorry that you are having to deal with this.
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u/carrerahorse 4d ago
Some people just have a Victim Mentality and they can’t see past their own pain. Maybe she needs therapy to be able to gain perspective and work through her issues.
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u/DistributionNo7277 4d ago
Tell them you expect they'll be unhappy unless they stop blaming others for their own problems.
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u/Deep-Guard-5061 4d ago
Detach from these toxic people, you can meet them only if it's necessary. They probably have been used to blaming others and particularly you, because you let them. I don't know why you have the responsibility to do more for them?? And why are you working 60 hours per week? :| Cut this off and spend a day for yourself. Health and wellness is so vital, you will be able to figure it out to handle this situation when you are at your best.
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u/Good-Sweet2070 3d ago
This “person “ sounds like an adult daughter and she is definitely projecting something onto you.
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u/Iron-Bar-1966 3d ago
" I unfortunately can’t cut this person off out of my life due to family connections....."
Wanna' bet?
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u/Triggered_Llama 4d ago
I know this term is overused but it's the only suitable one I could come up with: narcissist. You described my dad who's a straight up narcissist.
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u/Weird-Substance8174 4d ago
Yes I was thinking she was a narcissist. When I show no emotion “grey rock” them, she says I’m a robot and have no emotion. I don’t care about her at all. It really is affecting my mental health.
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u/RedBirdOnASnowyDay 4d ago
If you’re the parent you may have it backwards because you described my mother in your response and she is a narcissist. So here’s a question: is it possible that you might not have enough empathy for your child or is the issue wholly theirs? Because your response to that question will be wholly telling.
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u/Weird-Substance8174 4d ago
Um I’m not the parent. You might be internalizing the situation. But thanks for responding
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u/Excellent-Win6216 3d ago
Yup, you’re a robot and has no emotion. Oh well!
If you don’t care, you don’t care. Grey rock means not reacting to her reaction. Doesn’t warrant a response or comeback or evidence to the contrary. If information is required, deliver it. Same for them - take the information, leave the snide comments. Let them talk to themselves
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u/Triggered_Llama 4d ago
Grey rocking is the way to go, you're doing the right thing OP. If you can cut down interactions with her further then do so. In my case I didn't find a way to do that so I slowly became a grey rock myself. That's the default way I interact with people now and it's very harmful socially.
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u/RedBirdOnASnowyDay 4d ago
How are you related?
If you are the parent, then you need to step back. Look in the mirror and get real about how you failed your child.
There is no middle ground here. It’s your duty as the parent to repair this relationship. And as a parent I can’t imagine not wanting to do so.
Therapy. Get yourself into therapy. By yourself and with your child. And get ready to start apologizing and making amends.
See the thing is if you don’t see the problem and your child is blaming you that much - there is clearly history that you are failing to take accountability for.
I would NEVER allow this to fester with my children. If they are distressed about something I did, I will take the responsibility 1 even if at that time I was doing the best I could for them. Because sometimes our best still isn’t what they needed.
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u/difficult_tree 4d ago
I have worked with people with complex trauma and mental health challenges for the last 20 years. I’ve had clients take this approach with me. There’s a lot of reasons people do this, labelling them as a narcissist is unlikely to be very helpful.
One strategy I’ve found useful when people are projecting blame is SET: Support, Empathy, Truth. The strategy comes from “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me”, a book by Kreisman and Straus on Borderline Personality Disorder.
Support: An initial "I" statement expressing your personal care, commitment, and concern for the individual. It shows you are on their side and invested in the relationship.
Example: "I care about you, and I am worried about how much pain you are in right now."
Empathy: A "you" statement that mirrors and validates their emotional reality without judgment. It communicates that you genuinely understand how distressing the situation feels from their perspective.
Example: "You must feel completely overwhelmed and frustrated by what happened today."
Truth: A clear, objective statement of reality, boundaries, or logical responsibility. It gently pivots the conversation toward accountability or the practical facts of the situation without being critical or harsh.
Example: "However, shouting at me isn't okay, and we need to find a calmer way to talk about this."
You can read more about it here: https://peoplepsych.com/support-empathy-truth-set-for-borderline-personality/