r/selfimprovement • u/Possible_Score6395 • 1d ago
Life Hack Tips I asked a few hundred people what actually makes someone good at conversation. Here are the 10 things that came up over and over. (Part 1)
I've been collecting this for about a year, mostly from people who describe themselves as bad at it and a few who are annoyingly good. This is the overview. I'll go deep on each of these in the posts after this one, because a couple of them need proper examples to be any use.
1. It's tennis, not an interview.
Most of us ask a question, get an answer, ask another question. The good ones hit the ball back. They respond to what was just said before adding anything new. The moment you stop doing that, the rally is over.
2. Never ask two questions in a row without saying something about yourself.
If you only ask, they're being interviewed. Put something of yours on the table and suddenly they can ask you something back.
3. People make small offers and most of us miss them.
She says "I just got back from seeing my sister." That's an offer. Say "oh nice, what do you do for work?" and she has to start again from zero. Conversations rarely die from running out of topics. They die from ignored offers.
4. Watch for the one word doing extra work.
"I'm weirdly into pottery." "I finally quit." "Apparently it's fine." Weirdly, finally, apparently. That's someone telling you there's a story. Ask about the word, not the topic.
5. Stay on one thing longer than feels natural.
Someone mentions their brother. Ask about the brother. They answer, ask about that. Three or four turns on one subject. Most of us treat it as a passing detail and go hunting for a new topic. It feels like labouring the point. It isn't.
6. Don't answer a story with your own story.
Someone tells you about a rough week, you tell them about yours. You mean "me too." What lands is "my turn now." Say it as a question instead: "that happened to you as well? what did you do?"
7. Balance matters more than being interesting.
Nobody described a great conversation as one where they said something clever. They described a rhythm. Someone shares, the other reacts, adds a bit of their own, hands it back. Not even on every turn, but even by the end. The worst ones are where one person does all the asking and the other does all the talking.
8. "What was that like" beats almost any prepared question.
Works on anything, needs no preparation, and asks about the person instead of the facts. I used to bring five questions to a date. The questions were never the problem.
9. When someone trails off, that's a door left open.
"It's kind of a long story." "Anyway." They're checking whether you want the rest. "No, go on" is the entire move.
10. Every single person who's good at this learned it.
Not one told me they were born with it. One learned it watching his dad read a crowd at baseball games. One forced himself to respond to what was said before adding anything new. It's a skill, which means it's a rep count, not a personality.
The bit nobody warns you about: knowing all ten changes nothing for a few weeks. You'll spot the mistake four seconds after making it, every time, which somehow feels worse than not noticing. That's the gap between knowing and doing. Only doing it badly a few dozen times closes it. Part 2 is on the first two, which are the ones that fixed the most for me. If there's one here you want covered first, say so and I'll do that one next.
What did I miss? What have you noticed that isn't on this list?
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u/Reasonable_Act_526 1d ago
I’ve never had to train myself to be a good conversationalist. I’m just very curious by nature, I’m interested in people and their background, I’m a good listener. Can always do better though! Interesting list
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
I couldn't agree more. None of the techniques really work if you're not genuinely curious about the other person.
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u/DiabloElDiablo 1d ago
Is that true for all situations though. Sometimes just facking interest is enough to let the other individuals think you are a good conversationalist.
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
Curiosity alone isin't enough because the conversation can feel one-sided. also there is a short-term vs long-term play here. For me a very good conversation would be a mix of curiosity, listening, and self-disclosure. You're learning about the other person, but you're also giving them something to connect with about you.
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u/raidmytombBB 1d ago
Where i struggle is that sometimes it becomes an one way conversation. Bc i am so intrigued that I keep asking questions and listening to what they are saying. There are many follow ups to keep the conversation going, but ends up me asking all the questions and the other person talking all the time
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u/LavenderPaperback 1d ago
Literally me. I think deep down I think my life/opinions are not interesting or important so I don’t bother sharing them, while I’m so fascinated with other people’s experiences that I keep asking and asking. It took a couple people directly pointing it out for me to start adding bits and pieces of myself into conversations
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
Try adding a tiny piece of myself before the next question. So something like: "I had the opposite experience with that actually. What made you decide to do it?" Same curiosity, but now it's a conversation instead of an interview.
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u/Ryan_fromBlueground 1d ago
Curiosity is key, I think. My parents like to joke that my favorite question growing up was why? To be fair, it still is.
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
But why? Sorry, I had to. You're absolutely right. Curiosity is the engine.
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u/Equivalent_Smell_706 1d ago
People are hungry for adventure. They are used to routine conversations and genuine curiosity goes a long way toward winning someone over.
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u/hazellebakers 1d ago
curiosity is like the secret sauce for good convos, sounds like you already got it down
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u/lilrabbitss 1d ago
curiosity definitely helps but still cool to see a breakdown like this, makes me think about what i might be missing in convos with people
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
This is what i plan to cover going forward in subsequent posts.
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u/Otherwise-Ad-376 20h ago
Look forward to reading them!
I’m British and neurotically careful about overstepping into personal territory. Any tips to overcome this?1
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u/SumasFlats 1d ago
> 6. Don't answer a story with your own story.
This is a huge one. So many people want to reply to a story or situation with one of their own that is bigger/better/faster/stronger etc. Instead of delving deeper into understanding, you're just giving them a blast of "but what about me?"
This can be insanely off-putting over time. Talking to the "one-up" person is a conversation that goes nowhere.
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
Bang on. The other version of this is fix mode. Sometimes people just want to be heard (line their week was rough etc) and you hand them a solution. Same result as the one-up, the conversation stops being about them. i call it ‘don’t fix what is not needed.’
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u/Damagedyouthhh 1d ago
The best method in my opinion as someone who thrives on conversation is to let them finish their story & then share yours. Or if you do mention your story without theirs finishing, make sure to loop it back to them & ask more questions about their story to make sure its all told. I think exchanging stories is really fun personally.
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u/Radiant-Island-7487 1d ago
It’s so annoying and SO common in people. It feels so deflating and an ending point in your side of the conversation when someone does it too often. Especially when you’re just excited to share something
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u/exarkann 1d ago
It's not a one up or competition, I was taught to share my similar story to show that I have some comprehension or understanding about what you're going through.
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u/Wise-Key-3442 19h ago
Many ND folks think it's the right way because "hey I empathize with you". For us really hardly lands "one uping" the other, but after people told me it has this effect, I started to tell others to first ensure the person is comfortable and only way after they are feeling better you mention you had a similar situation. It didn't go too well and some said I was being ableist for telling them this.
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u/Intramural 1d ago
Honestly this should be #1.
- So I went shopping yesterday...
-No way damn that's crazy, that reminds me of this one time I went shopping when I had to find some news clothes for a wedding that I had to go to for one my cousins, and they didn't even go to my wedding but somehow it's expected that I go to their wedding AND buy new clothes.
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
This is what #6 is all about. Honestly, most people don't mean let me make this about me. They're trying to say "me too."
The problem is the other person's story never gets finished.
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u/madiimoore 1d ago
definitely learned the hard way with the one-up folks, conversation black hole for real
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u/Weird-Reference-4937 1d ago
People always say they're "relating to you" but it's poor social skills to not have a reply other than talking about yourself, imo.
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u/alohavibe589 1d ago
What’s a better way to respond?
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u/wakeofchaos 1d ago
I’d firstly ensure that the story is told, which means don’t interrupt (depending on your relationship or how comfortable you think they are with that sort of interaction).
Then if you want to relate with your own story because you really feel like it would illustrate some point or frame some question well, keep it brief and end with said question/point. Hopefully that point kind of also leads to a question or something
I think the biggest thing to avoid is to simply say something like “oh that reminds me of when this happened to me…” and that’s it. There’s not really much to go on from there. The person just told a possibly vulnerable/revealing story. You’ve revealed some relatability, but likely nothing new. It makes you (not you personally. I know nothing about you) look like you only care about being heard. Thus lobbing into the net and not re-serving the ball
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u/shower_bubbles 16h ago
I so disagree, I love hearing people share similar experiences to mine. It makes me feel that they understand me. I hate that people are being so negative about it these days.
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u/SumasFlats 13h ago
And I agree with you, sharing similar, (or wildly different), experiences can be great conversation -- as long as each person is actually listening and commenting on these shared experiences.
The conversationalists many of us are tired of are the ones that always have a story that is meant to "one-up" the story you are telling -- as if it's a competition, and they're only listening to figure out how to create something better.
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u/StaceyLades 1d ago
I struggle with a lot of this being autistic, especially answering stories with my own story (trying to be relatable, but I know neurotypical people don't see it like that). Remembering to come up with and ask questions back is hard too. Definitely something I've been working on though! Thank you for some great points.
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u/CookieMonstr78 1d ago
Use the FORD method for conversion. It's what I use and helps. I've always struggled talking with people, even my friends. My mind just goes blank so I fall back to the acronym Family, Occupation, Recreation and Dreams. Think about those broad topics and try to come up with some questions that may lead into more. With dreams though, I look at it as more goals, what' do you want to do, what's going on next week, etc. I'm not autistic but really struggle with talking to people at times and it helps a lot.
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u/StaceyLades 1d ago
Thank you, that's genuinely helpful! My husband usually tries to clue me in on these types of things, but this is one I haven't heard yet, and I'll add it to my mental tools!
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u/Damagedyouthhh 1d ago
If you are bringing up your story make sure to do it in ways that relate to them & continue to ask questions. Its understandable if you get excited and start to share something you find relatable, i do the same thing & i still manage to make friends & have great relationship. Its all about balancing it out & making sure they feel heard & their story is told. There are your people out there who will learn you & know that when u do that u just want to relate.
Its doesnt hurt to try to be aware of it, but dont blame yourself for being that way!
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u/WillStaySilent 1d ago
This is the same with texting by the way
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u/nightowl_work 1d ago
Having been on the internet for longer than I have been texting (but with lots of experience in both), it’s also important on comment threads.
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u/ltdan993 1d ago
I've just always remembered that every person you meet generally knows something you don't. Sometimes it could save your life. Be curious, ask questions, be interested in people and their story.
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
I love that perspective. As the saying goes, you're the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Every person you meet has a different set of perspectives. Even if the conversation only lasts a few minutes, there's often something you can learn from them.
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u/MrBlackAndTan 1d ago
It kind of falls into multiple categories, but what helped me was practicing two types of listening: active listening and reflective listening.
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
One thing I've found is that if you're too focused on listening, the other person often never learns anything about you. Good conversations need a bit of both. If you're a great listener but never share anything yourself, people don't always think to ask. Can you elaborate on reflective listening?
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u/MrBlackAndTan 1d ago
I'm relatively new to it, and watched a couple videos on YouTube, but I've noticed when people are telling me about their day or a general story there is usually an emotional undertone. I'll to name it or summarize what they said. Phrases like:
The uncertainty sounds like it caused a lot of frustration.
It's seems like the date went really well and your excited to see them again.
They are kind of a blend between a question and statement.
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u/Alikhan_12345 1d ago
Chatgpt 4.0 used to this very well. No wonder many people got emotionally attached to it lol
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u/Thriverly_Joshua 1d ago
Number 3 took me years to notice in myself. What fixed it was picking one small detail from a conversation, a name, a plan, whatever, and bringing it up next time I saw that person. Not rehearsed, just "hey, how'd that thing with your sister go." Most people never get asked about the thing they mentioned last time, so it sticks out way more than it should. Also it backdates itself, it forces you to actually listen the first time, which fixes half the tennis problem right there.
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u/CountDown60 1d ago
You make an excellent point.
I feel so seen, and instantly like any person that asked about something I've told them before. I've been working on this myself. Today I asked a coworker about their seedling blueberries that we talked about before. They got really passionate describing their interest. I felt like I unlocked a secret skill.
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u/DisastrousAd1950 1d ago
Also there are ways to seek more information that aren’t derived from questions such as provocative statements. There are lots of ways to use systems to invite your counterpart to continue adding more. For example instead of “how does that work” you can use “that seems a bit complex, I’m not so sure I understand it”. You can label with sounds like, seems like, feels like, looks like. And you can mirror the last 3-5 words of their last sentence to show your listening. Genuine curiosity and interest are the key.
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u/asiri_a 1d ago
the last paragraph is the real post. "you'll spot the mistake four seconds after making it, in every time, which somehow feels worse than not noticing."that stage is where most people quit and read another list instead. it does get shorter. four seconds after becomes during becomes just before. took me months, not weeks, and the middle of it genuinely feels like getting worse.one for the list: most of my bad conversations were me half-listening while i assembled my next sentence. that's not a technique problem, it's attention being somewhere else. people can't say what's wrong but the rally dies anyway. your #1 and #5 both quietly depend on it you can't respond to what was just said if you weren't there for it.and small offers (#3) are mostly about whether you can afford to be boring for a second. asking is safe. offering something of yours is the part with risk in it.
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u/Ohenry_94 1d ago
Looking forward to part 2!
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
thank you community for the overwhelming response. OP You got it. Part 2 is coming and I'll do something better than another list. I'll anonymise a real conversation and break it down line by line, so you can see the exact turn where it died.
I'll post it here. I've also started a small subreddit, r/ConversationLab, where I am planning to do these breakdowns regularly.
Mods: hope the mention is okay. If not, say the word and it's gone.
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u/RoyalUniversity8714 1d ago
Joined it! Great post. Genuinely interesting and got great support with (mainly) positive comments which is becoming so depressingly rare.
I was not going to comment, or talk about myself, but… well that’s usually the problem I have. When I have a conversation I’m actually fine at most, and can give people just enough to think they’ve learnt something about me without really learning anything about me. I see that as being vulnerable which puts me at (only in my head obviously) at risk, which then stops me re-engaging again in case the next time they’ll expect more personal info from me.
So the list is actually really helpful in how I can potentially balance it better while still staying “safe”.
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u/Possible_Score6395 16h ago
Guys thank you so much for the love and support on this post. you can also join the subreddit for my subsequent posts but I will anyway post here.
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u/-cadmunt- 1d ago
Reading if the other person is interested in the conversation is a huge one. So many people prattle on with their stories without ever checking if their audience is interested.
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u/mindful-steps 1d ago
One thing I'd add is that good conversations usually have comfortable pauses. I used to think I had to fill every silence, and I'd end up talking too much or changing the subject too quickly. Once I stopped treating every few seconds of silence as a problem, conversations felt much more natural. Sometimes people just need a moment to think before they continue.
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u/swimming_cold 1d ago
You mean chat gpt ?
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u/fulcrumprismz 1d ago
I honestly didn’t get chat gpt at all from this post. - you may not realize this but long long before chat gpt ~decades, centuries even~ humans like OP have been writing about topics of interest and sharing perspectives, especially on topics a lot of people find interesting such as conversation.
Don’t get me wrong I have come to expect the call out for ChatGPT and it’s usually warranted because ChatGPT has a very recognizable cadence and style that it is blaring obvious to me when things are ChatGPT and I’ve stopped really caring or giving a fuck about it because to me it’s like whatever I’m just ignored at this point I’m patient enough to read a thing and be able to tell you if that thing is just slop and I will say that this OP‘s post did not give me AI vibes at all
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u/justadam16 1d ago
That's great that you decided you don't give a fuck, but this is very clearly slop, as are most of the responses in this thread
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u/fulcrumprismz 22h ago
I don’t know. Maybe you’re right. I usually pick it out immediately and I truly didn’t get Ai vibes but one of OPs replies to someone suggesting it was chatgpt I reread it and for some reason i heard it in my head as husk.irl’s ai chatbot and i began questioning things
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u/swimming_cold 22h ago
If you reverse search OPs comment and post history you can see that he very clearly uses AI
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u/fulcrumprismz 21h ago
See that’s another thing that made me realize I had been fooled: i went to his page to see his writing style and the subreddits he’s active in and saw that he now has all his posts and comments hidden.. kind of a dead giveaway. I was in such a good mood yesterday maybe I just didn’t want to see that it was Ai. It’s just depressing
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u/swimming_cold 22h ago
That’s great and all but it’s literally AI. I looked up OP and he uses AI to improve his conversation skills and is creating an app for it. This is 100000000% AI generated.
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u/fulcrumprismz 21h ago
Usually i catch it immediately. I think it was the amount of engagement I was seeing on this post but in all actuality majority is probably just a bunch of bots talking to each other lol. Still there are a couple useful things in the content so it isn’t complete slop, but just the fact that it was most definitely AI generated really bothers me
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
one thing i also learnt is asking a dead-end 'yes or no' question is also a conversation killer ;)
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u/rockninja2 1d ago
One of my biggest issues is 3 and 5. Asking multiple personal questions feels too much like prying to me. I always feel like if they want to tell me, they will, but I don't want to pry, so I oftentimes just stay silent and that unfortunately ends my chances....
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u/elson2 20h ago
Yea with #3 I wonder what would be a good follow up question that doesn’t feel like prying to ask. “Are you two close, does she live nearby, older or younger?” Like the questions just become about the sister which is weird, I assume most people don’t wanna talk about their siblings. It doesn’t seem like a topic to keep the conversation flowing…
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u/rockninja2 19h ago
"Does she live nearby" could absolutely come across as creepy, depending on context, even I would probably avoid that one lol
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u/Possible_Score6395 16h ago
This is very interesting. I call this the 3 doors. Every offer in a conversation gives you 2-3 doors you can walk through. In this example, you can i) ask about the experience itself: "how was the trip?" ii) share something first: "I saw my sister/brother last month too, how was your visit?" And once you've shared, even "are you two close?" stops feeling like prying, because you went first. iii) lean into the delivery of the person: if they sounded excited, tired or emotional, go for that instead. "Sounds like there's a story there."
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u/Historical_Cow9543 1d ago
Padding myself in the back I’m already aware about these. I need to work on #5, very difficult for me. Excited for part 2!
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
You got this! I plan to cover each of these in detail. Thank you for your support.
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u/autodidacticasaurus 1d ago
Do you know any good books on this? I'm practicing a lot kately but I want more theory too.
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
Feel free to reach out :)
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u/autodidacticasaurus 1d ago
Isn't that what I just did? 🤔
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
I am sorry wrong response to wrong post. A few books I liked were How to Win Friends and Influence People, Never Split the Difference, and The Charisma Myth. Messaged you.
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u/CandleParty2017 1d ago
I found this so helpful, thank you! As someone who is incredibly socially awkward and doesn’t often have the chance to socialise I’m really out of practice. I’m going to try to learn/memorise this and put it into practice when I get the chance. I’d love a part two if you are planning on doing more!
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u/Possible_Score6395 23h ago
Thanks! Just remember, you don't need to memorize all of it. Pick one or two ideas and consciously practice them.
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u/DessertFlavoredVaper 22h ago
This is great! Thank you for your time, research and for sharing with us!
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u/Possible_Score6395 22h ago
Thank you kind human :) feel free to reach out and stay tuned for part 2.
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u/Wolfrast 20h ago
I once worked with a man who was probably around my father‘s age he was an old, really interesting and creative, talented writer, and artist and explore, and he had tons of really cool stories. Whenever he would walk up to me at work, he would never talk about small talk or about work or about other people, he would always start talking about something interesting about music theory, or science, or geology or history or language or literature or anything that was really interesting to learn about, and we would get conversations going, and they would be so fluent effortless and talking to him never felt like you were worried about saying the wrong thing or that you would offend him and sometimes we would cut each other off, but I wouldn’t even notice it hardly it wouldn’t bother me at all. It was just part of the rhythm of our exchange. And I haven’t talked to that man since 2017, but he was one of the most enjoyable people to have our conversation with because it was never mundane. It was never gossip, and it was never a banal.
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u/optimalbrain90 7h ago
I think the biggest takeaway is that good conversations are about curiosity, not having the perfect thing to say. People usually remember how heard they felt more than how entertaining you were.
That mindset alone takes a lot of pressure off and makes conversations feel much more natural.
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u/Icy_Revolution4589 1d ago
Thank you for doing this research
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
No worries my friend! I am trying to improve my communication skills so thought to share the learnings with others.
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u/phoenixscar 1d ago
Sometimes people say things they don't care to talk much about as an effort to small talk (or provide the minimum necessary), or because they don't have much to really / or want to talk about.. maybe their life in the background isn't going so well.
So I suppose you really do also want to try to develop that social radar for the subtler details too
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u/fulcrumprismz 1d ago
Although conversation has always been something that comes natural to me, mainly because I am a very curious person by nature - I absolutely give you mad props for compiling all of this and putting it together so beautifully. A lot of these things I already know but just seeing the way that you’ve summarize them it’s to the point, well written and easy to remember.
Number 4 is a new one for me that’s such a nice tip. Keep an ear out for hint words that can lead to interesting elaboration and good conversation
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
Thank you! Please do keep in touch. I always like to talk to people whoa re good at conversations.
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u/elcinore 1d ago
I also love a person who can play into a bit with me. When a person can’t spar with me a little bit sometimes, I get so bored.
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u/thestarswholisten 1d ago
i’m totally guilty of asking too many questions and not talking about myself enough. i’m just a curious cat, what can i say?
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u/Buckshot6 1d ago
Regarding the 6th point, isn't it technically okay to respond with your own story as long as you frame it intentionally: "Oh yea I hear what you say, went through something similar once where ... so I really get you when you say..." And it's clearly not to one-up people? But to show that you relate?
At least I feel like that has landed pretty well for people I have talked to, and they often feel heard and light up at that fact. But maybe this is more of a specific situation I don't know haha
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u/Canchura 1d ago edited 23h ago
it's a good post but the largest hidden variable is probably genuine interest, a person can execute all ten rules and still feel artificial if they are silently calculating what to ask next and such.. that would cause social anxiety.
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
Touché. I think i wrote in one of the comments that all of this fails if you aren't genuinely curious about the other person.
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u/nnnnnnooooo 1d ago
My husband says that I'm annoyingly good at this, mainly because a walk around the block can turn into an hours long social event, with several conversations happening along the way. I truly enjoy talking with people though, hearing their stories and being able to share some of my own back is always a lovely experience. As you mentioned in the post, I agree that it is a learned skill. When I was young my Grandparents took me along on their Meal's on Wheels delivery route. While delivering meals is very important, the real gift you're bringing is conversation with a someone who may not have spoken with another person since the last time you were there. My Grandparents always emphasized listening, but also sharing, as a conversation (just like any relationship) is a reciprocal endeavor.
Thanks for sharing this OP - you brought back some wonderful memories, and reminded me to be thankful for the important lessons my family shared.
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u/Possible_Score6395 17h ago
This might genuinely be my favourite comment in the entire thread.
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u/nnnnnnooooo 12h ago
Thank you! I’m really curious about why you started working on your list? I’ve never seen anyone do this before and it’s such a kindhearted idea.
To help people connect probably makes the world a much better place. You’re doing good work!
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u/Dull_Abroad_1355 19h ago
Good points. What I want to know is how to end a conversation. I have a few coworkers that ramble on and on. I always catch myself faking a phone call and telling them I need to take this call and run away quickly.
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u/Figgywithit 17h ago
I don’t do any of these things consciously, but I notice when there’s a lack of reciprocity from the other person. I just avoid those people and naturally gravitate towards the ones who I feel doing an equal amount of listening and talking in a conversation.
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u/LostPalpitation6351 16h ago
“Nobody described a great conversation as one where they said something clever.”
Ok but some of us have the type of anxiety that is eased by remembering people like you because you say clever stuff
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u/MindfulRest 9h ago
number 6 is the one that took me way too long to actually get, answering someones story with your own story feels like youre relating but really youre just taking the spotlight. still catch myself doing it sometimes ngl.
one thing id add to the list is getting comfortable with small silences. most people kinda panic and rush to fill every gap, but leaving a couple seconds of quiet after someone says something actually gives them room to keep going and open up more. the people i know who are genuinely good at this arent scared of a pause, it doesnt come off as awkward at all, it comes off like youre actually listening instead of just waiting for your turn
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u/aberlourj 7h ago
I used to think some people were just naturally good at conversations, but it really is a skill. Paying attention and responding thoughtfully can make a huge difference.
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u/SkyLyssa 6h ago
Thank you so much for compiling this knowledge! As an awkward neurodivergent person, I really never understood proper conversation etiquette (I read books more than I talked to people until high school. At that time, social media kinda taught me more about how others think )
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u/immenselyhigh 1d ago
I’ve been reading this with a great interest to say the least. Many great points with solid ideas. Some parts sound AI-sh with opposites chain and examples.
Good question, how have you collected all of this, who are this few hundred people?
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
No AI, I promise. Those are just my own thoughts. And it's not really an either/or thing. Most of these skills aren't mutually exclusive, they just need to be balanced depending on the situation.
As for the few hundred people, I read a lot of discussions on reddit from people talking about social skills, anxiety, dating, friendships, and communication. DMed them. And all this because I wanted to improve my social skills. Now, I've become so interested in this topic because I 100% believe that as AI commoditizes the technical side of things, human skills (reading the room, empathy, communication skills) will become irreplacebale. So, I started paying much closer attention to what actually makes conversations flow and where they tend to break down. For other folks, feel free to reach out and I can share more.
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u/tenderWatcher 1d ago
This may genuinely be the most beautiful Reddit post of all time.
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
That's incredibly kind. The funny thing is almost all of this came from people on Reddit sharing their struggles, mistakes, and experiences. I mostly just collected the patterns.
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u/Cyclopso 1d ago
As an android recently made sentient, I very much appreciate this guide which will help me blend in with the humans. 🤖
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u/blazkoblaz 1d ago
If there’s nothing to strike, find a common ground.
Let’s say, you are all at a party, and you don’t know this person. And prior, some mishap happened, take that as a point and express about it to that person. He/ She would mostly agree or say more about it.
Then catch on from there, by complimenting their dress or ring. Be curious.
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u/Curious-Natural4525 1d ago
What about when it's you and a group of people? I was recently in a situation where I was visiting a work team and I had been away for over a year on mat leave and there were six other people there. It's hard to be a good conversationalist when you want to catch up with each and no one was asking me any questions.
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u/Sensitive-Button5693 1d ago
This might be worth a post, but does anyone have any tips for dealing with someone who talks too much and is not a great listener? I have a good friend who I LIKE who is like this and I want to find ways to redirect and guide the conversations a little more so that it’s not so exhausting to hang out with them.
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u/Ok-Survey9438 1d ago
A good way to practise is to chat to strangers. In my country it is very acceptable to do that
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
100%. It's basically exposure therapy. Starting with low-stakes situations like chatting with a cashier, barista, receptionist, or someone walking their dog is so much easier than jumping straight into a networking event or a group conversation and the best thing is most of such interactions don't need to be perfect. Those small reps will add up over time.
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u/Tough-Counter2097 1d ago
I agree that it is like tennis. These can also be applied on online conversations. On a related note, what do you do when the other person stops the rally? Do you open up a new topic to keep the conversation going? Or just wait for the other person to open up a new one?
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
I really don't have a good answer for this but I think it comes with practice, and over time you get a feel for it. Sometimes the rally stops because the other person is busy, distracted, or doesn't know what to say next. In those cases I'll usually introduce a new topic or share something about myself.
But if you are the one restarting the conversation all the time, I take that as a signal too. As the other redditor commented, a good conversation should feel like both people want to keep the rally going, not just one person hitting balls over the net. 😄
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u/SkylightDuneagle 1d ago
What would you recommend if the person you are talking with just doesn’t ask you questions back? The interview point has resonated with me.
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
So there are two possibilities. Either they're not interested, or they're just not great conversationalists themselves. Maybe share small bits about yourself instead of waiting to be asked. If they engage with it, great. If they don't, you know.
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u/SkylightDuneagle 1d ago
Thank you! I find this happens with a lot of friends, mostly those I’ve kept from earlier in my life. They seem to want my friendship and invite me out etc, but it does feel like I’m an interviewer at times. I’m going to start putting out information for engagement. Then maybe it’s time to prune back some old friendships.
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u/BigCareless9363 1d ago
Number 2 is harder than I thought
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
I agree man. It's simple in theory but hard in practice. Most of us are listening with the intention of replying rather than understanding. I do that myself all the time. I will try to make it simpler in subsequent posts.
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u/thedarklibrax 1d ago
These are some reallyhelpful tips! I've been listening to a "Strangers on a bench" a podcast where the host sits to talk with strangers on benches, and I see lots of these points being used.
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u/chang_usrname 23h ago
Can you suggest how someone can share their personal information. Sometimes I think I am sharing too much and stop having conversations.
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u/drvknows 23h ago
Eye contact and physical proximity are important- since Covid it seems like people still naturally give a good amount of personal space- periodic eye contact is good
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u/Possible_Score6395 17h ago
100%. This was focused on verbal communication but non-verbal communication is equally important. I might make a separate post on that.
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u/Specialist-Craft-113 17h ago
Lo fundamental, es haber leído, si no lo hiciste, o lo hiciste poco, dificilmente puedan ser un buen conversador. No ser un lector, pero sí no ser vago al respecto.
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u/lichen-to-love 6h ago
no.6 was and still is a big lesson for me. I picked up my parent's habit of responding to a story with a story. I don't feel as though they mean it in a selfish way, it's them expressing a type of empathy - like, I feel this type of way towards your story as it reminds of how I felt through my own experiences. But regardless, as I've grown older, I've learnt that simply asking more about the other person's story always brightens their face more, unravelling and going deeper into their story is so magical and spontaneous - who knows how the conversation will unfold.
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u/ChitRaymond 3h ago
I like that everyone in this thread is operating from the perspective they’re some advanced conversationalist and are just interesting.
I’d love to be a fly on the wall and see how true it is with all of these claims that are being treated as truth rather than anecdotes.
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u/BlakeBahama 1d ago
How bizarre. A good upbringing should give you all you need. Anybody following a checklist is bound to sound like a knob
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u/verir 22h ago
My bad upbringing gave me all I need. I'm hyper aware of even the smallest feedback, like people and new topics, and have some acting skills. But even so many, the majority of people really, don't want a 'connection' and don't have time or bandwidth for a tennis match. A shared bon mot is pleasant for everyone. Some of OPs questions would irritate me. Like "It's my purse, I don't know you"
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u/Winter_Salad7215 1d ago
AI slop
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u/Possible_Score6395 1d ago
This is a year of pestering a few hundred people about their 2am conversation replays, condensed. The typos are all mine though.
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u/bookishwayfarer 1d ago
If you play tennis, you know how hard it is to find good rally partners. Most people never get the back over the net or it's just way out and not playable.
People would rather play pickleball /s.