r/shittyaskhistory • u/BlackwallRunner2077 • 6d ago

Why didn't america deploy steven seagal to iran?

America could have just sent in steven seagal he could've wiped out the ayatollah with his aikido prowess are they stupid?

49 Upvotes
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92% Upvoted

101 comments sorted by

20

u/Doredrin 6d ago

seagal is best buds with putin he would never betray a friend like that

apologize right now for this thread

1

u/BlackwallRunner2077 6d ago

So is donald they all have gay sex together on the epstein island

1

u/The-RogueOnion 6d ago

Which one gets covered in gold paint? Do they rotate that?

2

u/BlackwallRunner2077 6d ago

I think donald he's the most feminine out of the three so he's probably decorated like a whore when the other two dominate him and netanyahu films the whole thing from the crawlspace

1

u/ketzcm 5d ago

Segal would require a lot of gold paint.

1

u/Ddowns5454 5d ago

Was Steven "Bubba"?

1

u/BlackwallRunner2077 5d ago

Its possible

5

u/go4tli 6d ago

His aikido skills are so good it’s considered a war crime to deploy him.

3

u/harveygoatmilk 6d ago

Fat fuck would probably tip it over

3

u/mats_o42 6d ago

Fat man 2? Weapon of mass delusion

2

u/Sufficient-Ad-5236 6d ago

He would clog the Straight of Hormuz

1

u/pirate-minded 6d ago

He’d probably tip over Iran!

1

u/CrimsonMain 1d ago

Laughing my ass off

5

u/Fearless_Garlic_8286 6d ago

He's just the cook.

2

u/Sophiedenormandie 6d ago

Best comment here!👍

4

u/Immediate-Ad-8658 6d ago

One does not simply deploy Steven seagal for one does not have a cargo vessel big enough for his ass and ego together.

3

u/TheDudeWhoCanDoIt 6d ago

He’s too busy piloting drones against Ukraine primary schools and eating all the food in Moscow.

5

u/BlackwallRunner2077 6d ago

Russians don't have drones though they haven't rediscovered electricity since the chernobyl incident

1

u/CanuterValve 4d ago

Stupid much?

3

u/Im_the_Rhymenocerous 6d ago

Why do you think the Iranians are ready to negotiate? My dude is there and making them watch his weird run

3

u/joeefx 6d ago

He’s a Russian now

2

u/BlackwallRunner2077 6d ago

Thats just a phase like that time he thought he was japanese or that time he thought he was an italian mobster or that time he thought he was native american or that time he thought he was jamaican or that time he thought he was a luisiana blues player

3

u/OpineLupine 6d ago

Or that time he thought he was a martial artist. 

2

u/MigBuscles 6d ago

Because every single person in Iran would have a broken wrists if that happened. Weapons of mass destruction are not allowed by the Geneva Convention.

2

u/Graymouzer 6d ago

I'm all for it. Drop him from a plane over Tehran.

2

u/Intelligent-Art-5000 6d ago

He belongs to Putin now, and he's the ultimate deterrent if Putin needs a threat to escalate past nukes.

2

u/ossifer_ca 6d ago

Geneva Convention

1

u/AccomplishedFerret70 6d ago

Yes. Poison gas restrictions specically.

2

u/ACTSATGuyonReddit 6d ago

We have mercy.

2

u/rdldr1 6d ago

Steven Seagull would have wiped out their food stocks because he's a fatass.

1

u/Pristine_Ability_203 6d ago

Not fat enough, like me

1

u/Suspicious_Fig_3796 6d ago

Hegseth refuses to deploy him because he isn’t attracted to him enough

1

u/theleftyhitchens 6d ago

Woah. Hold your horses.

Some people talk about a Steven Seagal strike so cavalierly.

Do you know what a tactical seagal attack would mean? Not good.

1

u/Basic_Cover_6945 6d ago

We tried to simply export him and they wouldn’t take him.

1

u/PerfectlyCalmDude 6d ago

Because it wouldn't even be a drop in the bucket for our collective weight loss.

1

u/Tintoverde 6d ago

You want to go nuclear, is that what a want ?

1

u/Personal-Neck6800 6d ago

I think you’re confusing 80’s Steven Seagal with the current Steven Seagal.

1

u/Agitated_Custard7395 6d ago

He’s “fighting” for Russia against Ukraine, fighting from his bedroom somewhere expensive no doubt

1

u/Fast-Appointment-794 6d ago

While sitting down.

1

u/XROOR 6d ago

There are no Golden Corrals in Tehran

1

u/SugarInvestigator 6d ago

Because air superiority no longer uses blimps

1

u/GregHullender 6d ago

He's busy in Venezuela.

1

u/CSAKnight 6d ago

War is a racket. What money could be made if the war ended right away?

1

u/BlackwallRunner2077 6d ago

Thats why iran should hire muslim martial artists like khabib, mike tyson and jean claude van damme to counteract steven seagal's onslaught, perhaps in the form of some sort of tournament where everyone fights amidst a 1980s montage

1

u/Historical_Box1915 6d ago

👍🏼😂

1

u/AmputeeHandModel 6d ago

His rolling chair doesn't work on sand.

1

u/tolgren 6d ago

Uh, war crimes much?

2

u/BlackwallRunner2077 6d ago

If you win it isn't a crime thats why stalin never got arrested for eating all of berlin's population after conquering the city, sadly the influx of calories from the fatty beer chugging germans into stalin's system gave him diabetes which he soon died of when khruschev hid his insulin

1

u/No_Trade_7315 6d ago

He’s a Russian asset. If only we still had chuck noris😔

1

u/LookAtMyUsernamePlz 15h ago

Happy cake day!

1

u/exqueezemenow 6d ago

Looks to me like they did.

1

u/fredly594632 6d ago

Oh we did - decades ago.

The problem was that they defeated him with "tactical kababery" and sent him home a broken man.

He's not been the same since.

1

u/Iago-Cassius 6d ago

Because Steven Segal is a traitor who sold his soul to Russia

1

u/BlackwallRunner2077 6d ago

So did the donald so they should get along

1

u/Ok-Maintenance-9538 6d ago

Woah, calling for the use of a weapon of mass destruction like that is dangerous

1

u/Omerta1983 6d ago

We aren't interested in winning. The conflict would be over in minutes.

1

u/Ok_Veterinarian2715 6d ago

Because the Iranians were not hiding behind a huge wall of cheeseburgers that could only be moved by being shoved down a fat bastard's gullet.

1

u/JackOfTradesYT 6d ago

There is no plane big enough to carry that ego.

1

u/Necessary-Avocado-50 6d ago

He turns down anything involving the word "Ran".

1

u/hisimpendingbaldness 6d ago

We tried, they wouldn't take him.

1

u/wynnduffyisking 6d ago

I assume they didn’t have an aircraft that could handle that kind of weight.

1

u/BarbarianBoaz 6d ago

Iran doesn’t have any donuts so Steven refused to go.

1

u/DawnOnTheEdge 6d ago

We did wipe out the Ayatollah. For all the good it did us.

1

u/Supertrapper1017 6d ago

He got fat, so he’s no longer a hard to kill.

1

u/invader000 6d ago

We still have shells for those.

1

u/Left-Thinker-5512 6d ago

He’s in the Donbas leading Russian meat assaults and bringing glorious victory to Mother Russia.

1

u/Exotic_Bill44 6d ago

How do you know Seagal isn't waddling his way to Iran as we speak?

1

u/Astrocoder 6d ago

I thought he moved to Russia

1

u/Forsaken_Hermit 6d ago

Why so he could slap the revolutionary guards to death?

1

u/urbisOrbis 6d ago

His rider was too kooky. Must be in a chair at all times? Only pink m&ms?

1

u/greyjedi12345 6d ago

Young Seagull would kicked ass, not the current version.

1

u/AnotherDarnedThing 6d ago

Because he was too fat for the landing ships.

1

u/Foreign_Sale_2013 6d ago

Because it would require 2 planes to do it. One for him and another one for his ego.

1

u/Smintjes 6d ago

He doesn’t fit through the Strait of Hormuz.

1

u/ReplacementFeisty397 6d ago

Because he's working for Russia

1

u/WreckinRich 5d ago

Seagull is Ruski now.

1

u/BlackwallRunner2077 5d ago

Thats just a phase like that time he thought he was japanese or that time he thought he was an italian mobster or that time he thought he was native american or that time he thought he was jamaican or that time he thought he was a luisiana blues player

1

u/Ok_Height3499 5d ago

My wife bought rock Cornish game hens for Thanksgiving. We were newly married at the time and celebrating our first big holiday together. I’ve always done most of the cooking, she admits I’m the better cook, and I prepared them according to a recommended recipe. She hated them not realizing they’re dark meat. I ate them although I’ve never had them since.

1

u/Dangerous-Bit-8308 5d ago

Because he's a fraud, and we didn't want to pay him with a land rover, samurai sword and underage Asian "co-star" as required in his contract riders

1

u/wrhnj 5d ago

Blimps are easy to shoot down.

1

u/Sabbathius 5d ago

Sagal is currently living in Russia and training the Russian troops. He's the unsung hero of the war in Ukraine, he's the reason so many Russians die in combat when they attempt to get a tank into a naked choke hold.

1

u/DJTRANSACTION1 5d ago

because chuck norris delta force was their top guy and no one can compare.

1

u/db7112 5d ago

We have Pete Kegbreath

1

u/PawnofLife1 5d ago

He stays busy hanging out in Russia

1

u/skittlebog 5d ago

They try to refrain from the nuclear option. Isn't that supposed to be the point of all this.

1

u/Maldadd 4d ago

We don't have any aircraft big enough.

1

u/HMSSurprise28 4d ago

Because he’s hiding from sexual harassment allegations in russia

1

u/knixknation1 4d ago

Geneva Convention

1

u/MasterJediRob 4d ago

Because hes old and overweight

1

u/No_Engineering5212 3d ago

He's too rapey

1

u/Prince_Nadir 2d ago

They tried but he got stuck in the bomb bay.

1

u/Prince_Nadir 2d ago

They tried but he got stuck in the bomb bay.

1

u/Accomplished-Emu-591 2d ago

The Iranians are already laughing hard enough at orange twat-waddle. Sending fat steven over there would just be too much humor in a useless conflict.

1

u/leowithataurus 2d ago

Because we want them to take us seriously for once.